Losing the same person, twice...

by Emily
(Oklahoma)

Emily & Adam Murray, Christmas 2005

Emily & Adam Murray, Christmas 2005

Emily & Adam Murray, Christmas 2005

Click on each picture to enlarge

At 25 years old, I don't have a single friend or family member that has been through what I have experienced. 2 years ago, my husband was hit by a car on his bicycle, which threw him off the overpass bridge he was riding on, and he fell 40+ feet to the concrete highway below. He survived, barely. He totaled around 20+ hours of surgery, and 6 months of rehab. We were both so thankful that he was even alive. The doctors said they'd never seen anyone live through such trauma.

After he came home we tried getting back into our regular lifestyle. But it was different. HE was different. We both suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but neither one of us sought counseling from the accident. We, as a couple, managed to get through it okay, but each of us were battling our own depression. My husband, the love of my life, the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, was now a completely different person than the man that I married. He looked different, he acted different, I still loved him, but I couldn't help but cry. WHY?? My husband was ALIVE, I should be filled with happiness and grateful that we got a second chance together. But I lost MY HUSBAND that day on the bridge. The man that I fell in love with was gone. Our life together was never going to be the same. And I missed it. I missed HIM, even though he was right there next to me every night.

It eventually got better, for a while. He was happy to be alive and I learned to love my new husband. We tried so hard to live a normal life. He started riding his bike again, but the severity of his injuries left him slightly disabled for the rest of his life. Although I still loved him more than anything in the world, I started to feel like I was losing myself and my happiness. 6 months ago I told him that I needed some space to figure things out and that I thought we should get separate apartments for a few months. We had a pretty civil conversation about it, there were some hurt feelings, but no fighting or raised voices. I didn't want to end my marriage and I told him that. I loved him, I wanted to grow old with him, but I needed to get right with myself. I left our house to go to practice (I'm the coach of a sports team) and when I returned several hours later I walked in to find him hanging in the hallway.

Now.... I am an empty shell of the person I used to be. I tried filling the gap with alcohol, drugs, sex, I even ran away to freaking Mexico for 5 months after I got fired from my job for just not giving a shit anymore. (Thankfully, no more promiscuity or drugs, and I only drink socially on occasion).

I am okay most days, but I still feel this unbearable pain, and overwhelming guilt that it's my fault my wonderful loving husband is not alive anymore. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't breathe, it literally feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I want him back, I want my life back. I don't know what to do with myself.

My parents (thank God for them) have been supportive, but sometimes they're so suffocating that all I want to do is get away from them. It's been 6 months now, and everyone else has gone back to their normal lives, moving on with their jobs, their friends, their spouses, and I'm left here to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.

I'm not looking for attention, I don't want their pity, I don't expect my friends and family to begin to understand how it feels. I just want to know that I'm going to be okay after this. Because right now, I feel like my soul is dying inside. If it's possible to go through all 7 stages of grief at once, I think I'm there.

Comments for Losing the same person, twice...

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Mar 09, 2011
Sending you lots of love...
by: Maxine

Emily my partner also took his own life...do not blame yourself in any way! That decision was his alone. The best thing can do for yourself is fill your heart with love, fill your heart with love for yourself and love for Adam. Love IS the great healer.

Love, love, love. Not the wishy-washy romantic kind. But a deep spiritual love that never lets us down.


Dec 20, 2010
There are others
by: Anonymous

I know two people who have been through this. One with his wife and another with her husband (and, no, they didn't wind up with each other). It seems to me men have an easier time of it; he remarried within a year. The woman still hasn't over two years later because she had a harder time not having her man around; she even tried another one for awhile but it just wasn't the same even though he had developed problems that had turned him into a different person as well.
Hang it there; glad to hear you are doing better than you were.

Dec 17, 2010
Sorry for your loss
by: Ms Mack

Emily,

You are still in shock from the events that unfolded due to trauma you both endured. The left over pain will leave you feeling hopeless....I know. However, you must realize that in time regardless of how crazy things were, you will sort it out and make sense of it. Evidently Adam had to be highly medicated while going through this. I am no expert but very possibly his mind couldn't see the glass half full instead of half empty. Therefore, he couldn't make it right no matter how hard he tried.

You need to think, cry, mourn as part of the process and understand this was not your fault. He needed help and was lost. In time, you will have perspective and no one thing you could have done would have been enough if he was traumatized.

Keep writing and pray for strength. There are many other people out there that feel your pain and I am one of them. Pray strong, take it day by day, one breath and you will survive.

Dec 17, 2010
It will be o.k
by:

I know what it is like to lose someone twice. A lot of people here know what you mean we lose them when they are ill, They become a different person and though we somehow manage to maneuver through that, when we lose them once and forever it is grieving for the old and new husband.

I know that you are filled with guilt but please know that he was not the same person and had a difficult time dealing with it. It is NOT your fault. We all have guilt here, it seems to go with grief hand and hand. We coulda shoulda woulda done this and that differently.

And we all try to run from grief. In different ways but in the end find out that there is no getting around it but to face it. I wish that there was a magic bean that we could plant and climb to get past this some how.

You will find strength day by day that you thought you did not have within you. Come here often read and write when you like and know that we are always here to listen to you.
HH

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