Loss after 26 happy years together


It's been three weeks, family and friends are back home, today I am just alone. The empty house, and nothing to fill the hours.
I had the best husband, and my last words to him were " l love you"
My friends told me I spoiled him, I realize now that it just meant being a good wife. He always bragged about having the greatest wife in the world, I always knew I was loved.
The doctor said he had about a year to live, but he was gone five days later.
I have paperwork to deal with, things to sell and transfer to my name, I can't do any of it.
I can't get started on anything, I just sit and cry.
Will this change? If i didn't have my daughter I don't know what I'd do. She is grown and out of the house, but she is grieving, too.
I envy every couple I see, walking together, holding hands, chatting. Every day I wake up and my heart breaks all over again.

Comments for Loss after 26 happy years together

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Mar 18, 2012
Grief therapist
by: Anonymous

I may try a counselor, it hasn't even been six weeks yet, maybe next month. You are probably smart to return to work, just to make yourself do something. My husband was diagnosed only six months after we moved here to DC, I had just gotten our daughter off to her freshman year of college, got all unpacked and settled in, them the world changed. I'm not working, and I don't have my friends nearby. I miss them very much, this place doesn't feel like home, and there are nothing but sad memories in this house. I don't think I'm capable yet of getting a job, or volunteering somewhere, but I hate the empty days. I'm not ready to get rid of his clothes and things either. I'm doing a little each day, but I wonder if that's like a "death by a thousand cuts", maybe I should just get it done. Easier said than done.
Thank you so much for the input, nice not to feel so alone.

Mar 18, 2012
to
by: Anonymous

I have found a grief therapist has really helped being able to cry and express and say what ever I, need to say. She says to grieve in your way everyone is different. I went back to work right away, but cutting my hours back so I have two afternoons a week off, so I can keep going through the grief process and meet with my grief counselor. She is really good. My insurance covers the sessions. I have thrown out my husbands clothing early on and now I don't have to deal with it at this point. I play basketball on Monday nights,just to get out on Monday nights and yoga on Tuesday nights. When ever you are ready force yourself to get out, even if it is just taking a drive somewhere, talk to family, go to a movie with a friend. I hope this helps you all.

Mar 16, 2012
I know
by: Anonymous

It's over a month now. I'm still forcing myself to just put one foot in front of the other. I keep thinking of things I need to tell him, a new movie he would like, a book i saw in the store window, the cherry trees are blooming. And then it's all fresh pain again. When he was sick and I got discouraged he would say " don't worry, God is on our side". I guess he wasn't after all. I miss him so.

Mar 09, 2012
I know
by: Joanne

You don't have to do anything with his belongings, until you are ready. I organized Tim's and that is where it will stop, I need his things with me. I know about buying things for them, you will probably find your grocery bill goes down a lot. I hardly buy anything but milk and cereal and bread.

This whole thing is wrong and I say that there are terrible people in this world every day, why wasn't it them, and leave my sweet husband alone!!!!! Why him!

Mar 08, 2012
I know
by: Anonymous

I talked with my best friend today on the phone for three hours, she must be so tired of hearing me talk about it, but she is so patient with me.
I had to leave the supermarket yesterday, I realized I didn't need to buy his favorite cereal anymore, I can't get rid of any of his things, I pick things up, and then just set them down again. He is everywhere, but not here with me. It really sucks.
So many evil people live, my Rick struggled so long, and still lost the battle. He was brave and unselfish, I'll never understand.

Mar 06, 2012
I know
by: Joanne

Every day does get worse, sorry to tell you that. To know this is it, he isn't coming back is horrendous. I wake up in the morning and think 'another day!'. I have friends and my parents and 1 brother close by.

Mar 05, 2012
Getting tougher
by: Anonymous

Yes, Joanne, you are so right. I don't really get out much, trying to force myself so my daughter doesn't worry. I finally said to him out loud today " you're really gone, you're never coming back" and cried and cried. Am I just realizing it now? Will it hurt more? It gets a bit worse every day, doesn't it?
People ask how I'm doing, and they don't know what to say when I tell them I'm feeling awful. I'm sorry, not gonna put on a happy face to let them feel comfortable.
Do you have family and friends nearby?

Mar 05, 2012
I know
by: Joanne

You're right, you do feel like saying "How the hell do you think I'm doing?" I know that is a universal thing to ask, but I will never say that again to anyone that loses somebody.

I avoid going out of the house as much as possible, hardly buy groceries because I hardly eat - who cares? I don't answer the phone unless I feel I have to, everything seems pointless anymore. Only thing is, we have to keep going for our kids; if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here any longer either. This is the worse thing to have to go through, and I still go through every day asking why did it have to happen to him - he never did anything to hurt anyone, ever. All he did was work every day, all day for long long hours; and just when he was going to start slowing down so we could finally start spending time together, this happens. Now, I get to sit here every day by myself for the next how many years until I pass away.

Mar 04, 2012
My husband of 30 years
by: Anonymous

I understand about being in the house alone. my brother said after everybody leaves it is the hardest time. It has been about three weeks for me too. I have my dog and cat that keep me company...It's the phone calls of people whom knew my parents and they aren't around to talk to. Then the questions of how are you doing? I want really want to answer back "How the hell do you think I'm doing?" I understand about seeing others with their significant others and I don't have my husband to chat with about day to day things. I get teed about people who say they are unhappy with their marriage....I feel like saying really??? Just be thankful you have each other. I wanted to grow old with my husband and do some more traveling with him. This is just not fair!!!! He was a great husband, father, friend, and grandfather!! It is just not fair!!! IT SUCKS!!

Mar 04, 2012
I know
by: Joanne - Canada

2 months after my husband has passed away, I still don't sleep well. I wake up during the night and lay there and think about what a mess our lives are now, and the life that he got taken away. It is not fair or right. No, tears don't stop, I cry every day, numerous times a day - I dn't think I will every quit. I wish I could tell you some magical thing, but there just isn't anything. All I know, is that I am miseerable without him and every day is a struggle to get through.

Mar 04, 2012
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much. It helps to know I'm not alone, not crazy! For the most part people have been kind, I haven't heard too many "helpful" stupid comments so far.
It's hard to believe he won't walk in the door any moment. And do we ever run out of tears?
I'm having lunch with a friend today, but I'm forcing myself, going thru the motions. I miss him so much, how do you get to sleep at night? And what do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night? I can't pray right now.

Mar 04, 2012
I am so sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss words dont seem to be enough do they. i lost my husband 8 weeks ago today and we had been together 30 years he also died suddenly it was dreadful the pain never stops. i understand how you are feeling everyone is now saying i should go back to work and get on with it but how do you?Its being alone is the worst.I wish i could say it will get better but at the moment is so raw for both of us all i can say is try and stay strong and take comfort in anything you feel helps we all grieve differently i am going to see a councillor to see if that helps.You are right the paperwork is never ending and you just dont want to face it but do it we must!This website has helped as i find it helps to write things down i have just started writing a letter to him and i add each day how i feel try it i cry mind you all the time i do it.
Please take care of yourself i know it is so hard your world has turned upside down be kind to yourself and take one day at a time,
Hugs

Mar 03, 2012
I know
by: Joanne

Reading your story is like reading my own. I know exactly how you feel. My husband of 27 years (he passed away 3 weeks before our 27th anniversary) passed away December 29, 2011 after fighting an aggressive brain tumor (cancer) for 1 month. He got sick November 29th and was gone December 29th. I cry every day and still can't believe this has happened, our 2 kids are devastated and want their Dad back so much, just like I do. Like you said about yours, my Tim was the most loving, compassionate, sweet person ever, we adored each other, the silence is our house is deafening. The house is empty even though I am still here, his presence has left and every feeling in the house is gone. You will have a lot of people making totally maddening comments, I get the all the time. "He's in a better place", "Your lucky you had him for 27 years" and so many more. I know Tim would have wanted to still be with us, and also know we both wanted 30 more years to be together.

I know what you mean about nothing to fill the hours except trying to get things changed over. I'm still doing that after 2 months and running into road blocks constantly. Every day is just a struggle and challenge to get through. I am told by others you take the day moment to moment, hour to hour - that is all you can do, and even then you will wonder if you will make it.

Mar 03, 2012
26 Years of Happy Memories
by: TrishJ

What you are going through is completely normal. I look back on the first 30 days after my husband died and it's all just a blur. Your heart and soul have been ripped from your chest. You are really in a state of shock still.
You're doing good at this point just to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. Everything seems overwhelming ~ things you have to do seem to be so burdensome. It probably doesn't feel like it now but things will get a bit better. It's a constant work in progress.
I had a wonderful husband too. It's actually 15 months ago today that he passed. I miss him every day. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when the day ends. I will never stop loving him but I have learned to appreciate what remains in my life and cling to the beautiful memories. I hope you can find a little something to smile about today. Remember your husband loved you and always will. He's watching out for you.
God bless.

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