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loss and empty

by cassnadra mirisola
(delray beach florida)

July 31 i remeber sitting on the couch and saying im sick wish i could find a way not to go to work. Ten minutes lter i got a text from my cousin telling me to call my aunt lisa.. Unusual so i did and i couldnt understand one word she was saying and i remeber thinking what the hell she never sounds like this.. so i asked if she wanted to talk to my dad and she said yes..i hear him scream and thinking its my grandma i run into the room waiting for hm to tell me whats wrong..and he kept yelling at me to get out of the room and he continued talking to my aunt really upset i was holding my 3 month old son and think what the hell happened..then he comes out five minutes later and looks at me and my mom and says he cant do this walks away and comes back and says cassie put the baby down and i said no thinking it was my grandma i could deal with that..so he sat down and said Ambers dead..i remeber falling to the ground and screaming...

Amber was my 17 yr old baby sister..my best friend someone i talked to every single day..my oldest sons godmother.

i couldnt breathe or stop screaming..and i kept telling everyone they were lying..and then when it finally did e how it hit me i couldnt believe how it happened..they said she drowned and im thinking how the hell because she knew how to swimm we taught her at age two..The next day though we found out she was crossing a water fall and fell 15 ft and got stuck under the rapids and between two rocks and drowned...

omg that was even worse...

i remeber thinking the the other day that the best feeling in the world was seeing my son after they were born and now i feel the worse feeling ever every single day i keep feeling the same feeling i got when i found out about my sister died..it doesnt go away..i wake up and its there i work and its there...i look at my sons and its there i just miss her so much..i dont know how to cope anymore..i dont even talk to my friends who i have been friends w for 17 years..i sleep 3 hours a day if that i work 45 hours a week just so i keep busy...i started taking sleeping pills so i can sleep and not think or dream..i just dont know what to do sorry venting..

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loss and empty

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my thoughts are with you
by: Jillian

I lost my brother four days after christmas. car accident. Died instantly. It's been only 3 weeks and I don't feel like I am here. I am outside myself, watching myself do all that has to be done; work, cooking, helping my 12 yr old with homework, talking with my older son about his college. I am numb. I cry every night. I go for drives in the car so I can scream out loud. He was my baby brother, 12 years younger. I felt more like a mom than a sister. He lived with me and my boys for 6 out of the last 7 years. Only recently moving out to his own place. We spent loads of time together. He had depression though, bi-polar and was on a low and started taking it out on me and the kids. We hadn't talked in over 4 months. He moved back home with our mom in September...not even telling us he was leaving. I got the phone call the morning after he died. I drove 4 hours on auto pilot to get to my mom's. I am still in shock. still not believing its real. I am surrounded by his belongings, his memories, our memories.

I hope you are healing. I hope the days and nights are getting better for you and your family. I know in time they say it gets "better" but I can only say I think it gets "different" not better. how can live without them be "better"? maybe slightly more bearable then the pain I feel now. but never better, never something to "get over".
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS
by: REBEKAH ARNOLD

I LOST MY TWIN SISTER THE 19TH OF NOVEMEBER THIS YEAR AND ITS ONLY BEEN A LITTLE OVER A MONTH AND IAM SO LOST HURT ANGRY AND FEEL LIKE NOONE UNDERSTANDS. I WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO ME AND TELL ME THEY KNOW HOW I FEEL, I TALK TO HER KIDS ALMOST EVERYDAY AND THAT HELPS , I DONT HAVE ALOT OF SUPPORT AT HOME BECAUSE MY HUSBAND SAYS LIFE GOES ON, I SLEEP VERY LITTLE WORK ON THE DAYS IAM SUPPOSED TO AND SPEND ALOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT HER , TOO MUCH I GUESS I YELL AT EVERYONE WHICH ISNT FAIR TO THEM, I DREAM ABOUT HER EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES , DOES THE PAIN EASE IAM SURE WITH TIME IT DOES DO YOU FORGET NEVER! JUST TAKE IT DAY BY DAY AND UNDERSTAND ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE FEELING ARE NORMAL OR SO IVE BEEN TOLD.

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