Loss and Mistakes
My husband and i married at a very young age. We were young and inexperienced, but we learned everything together. We finished growing up together and were very very happy. We waited six years to have a child so we were both very excited when we had a little girl. My husband was a wonderful daddy and loved his girl so much. She was the apple of his eye. Since we had been married so long and were so secure in our marriage there was no jealousy we just changed from the two or us to the three of us. We were complete - just the three of us.
Life went on very happily until 15 years ago when my husband was in a terrible accident. We didn't think he would survive, but he did even though he continued to have health problems and had to have many surgeries and was in the hospital off and on many times. Then 10 years ago trajedy struck again and my husband became unable to walk. He was very brave about this and we both had faith and hope that he would overcome this and be able to walk again someday. Life was hard, but we persevered. He was in constant pain and the doctors had him on painkillers. Over the years they kept giving him stronger and stronger medication and nothing was helping. He began to lose hope and became a very angry man.
i tried to get help for him as i had to continue working to support us. The doctors helped me get home health workers to come out then my husband would not like that and would fire them. There we were again with no help. He was hurting so badly and was so angry, but he wouldn't allow anyone to help him. He wanted to be independent so much.
The last year was the worst, he had to have a surgery that kept him in the hospital/rehab for two months. He was in such pain and was so angry - he would be mad every day when i went to see him. He began verbally abusing me and our daughter and everyone else around him. He accused us of all kinds of terrible things. After he came home he would get so angry i was actually afraid of him physically. It was like it wasn't my husband in that body, but a crazy man. He had guns and other weapons in the house. i left one night after he chased me in his power wheel chair. i tried to go back several times and every time had to leave again because of something scary he did.
He told me he wanted a divorce and i immediately went and filed and then he was so angry at me and couldn't believe i filed for divorce. After the divorce was granted i tried once again to live with him, but he threatened me again and i had to move out.
He was able to live by himself for a few months, but started getting sick and was in and out of the hospital all the time. He ended up in a skilled nursing facility. i was with him Thanksgiving and Christmas and we were talking on the phone often - sometimes good visits sometimes not so good. Then in February he was back in the hospital - he had a stroke - i was able to see him and talked to him even though he was in a coma. i told him over and over how much i loved him and how proud i was of him and how strong he had been. Finally after a week they took him off the ventilator and he was somewhat awake. He did know me and i was able again to talk to him and told him we were going to play like to last year didn't happen and just remember the good times. He smiled at me and smiled at our daughter when she came in. i talked to him about all the fun years we had and told him how much i loved him. Thank God he was able to tell me he loved me too. He passed away two days later.
Now i am grieving so much for all the hard years he suffered through. i feel so guilty that i left him alone even though he asked for the divorce. i think about our marriage vows and i feel like i broke them. i have talked to different people about this and they all assure me i did what i had to do, but i just keep thinking about how sad he was. i have been reading about the grieving process and have been trying to follow the steps, but i am just so sad and lonely. i can't seem to quit crying. i know he is in a better place and i know he was ready to go so why am i crying?