Loss and Mistakes

My husband and i married at a very young age. We were young and inexperienced, but we learned everything together. We finished growing up together and were very very happy. We waited six years to have a child so we were both very excited when we had a little girl. My husband was a wonderful daddy and loved his girl so much. She was the apple of his eye. Since we had been married so long and were so secure in our marriage there was no jealousy we just changed from the two or us to the three of us. We were complete - just the three of us.

Life went on very happily until 15 years ago when my husband was in a terrible accident. We didn't think he would survive, but he did even though he continued to have health problems and had to have many surgeries and was in the hospital off and on many times. Then 10 years ago trajedy struck again and my husband became unable to walk. He was very brave about this and we both had faith and hope that he would overcome this and be able to walk again someday. Life was hard, but we persevered. He was in constant pain and the doctors had him on painkillers. Over the years they kept giving him stronger and stronger medication and nothing was helping. He began to lose hope and became a very angry man.

i tried to get help for him as i had to continue working to support us. The doctors helped me get home health workers to come out then my husband would not like that and would fire them. There we were again with no help. He was hurting so badly and was so angry, but he wouldn't allow anyone to help him. He wanted to be independent so much.

The last year was the worst, he had to have a surgery that kept him in the hospital/rehab for two months. He was in such pain and was so angry - he would be mad every day when i went to see him. He began verbally abusing me and our daughter and everyone else around him. He accused us of all kinds of terrible things. After he came home he would get so angry i was actually afraid of him physically. It was like it wasn't my husband in that body, but a crazy man. He had guns and other weapons in the house. i left one night after he chased me in his power wheel chair. i tried to go back several times and every time had to leave again because of something scary he did.

He told me he wanted a divorce and i immediately went and filed and then he was so angry at me and couldn't believe i filed for divorce. After the divorce was granted i tried once again to live with him, but he threatened me again and i had to move out.

He was able to live by himself for a few months, but started getting sick and was in and out of the hospital all the time. He ended up in a skilled nursing facility. i was with him Thanksgiving and Christmas and we were talking on the phone often - sometimes good visits sometimes not so good. Then in February he was back in the hospital - he had a stroke - i was able to see him and talked to him even though he was in a coma. i told him over and over how much i loved him and how proud i was of him and how strong he had been. Finally after a week they took him off the ventilator and he was somewhat awake. He did know me and i was able again to talk to him and told him we were going to play like to last year didn't happen and just remember the good times. He smiled at me and smiled at our daughter when she came in. i talked to him about all the fun years we had and told him how much i loved him. Thank God he was able to tell me he loved me too. He passed away two days later.

Now i am grieving so much for all the hard years he suffered through. i feel so guilty that i left him alone even though he asked for the divorce. i think about our marriage vows and i feel like i broke them. i have talked to different people about this and they all assure me i did what i had to do, but i just keep thinking about how sad he was. i have been reading about the grieving process and have been trying to follow the steps, but i am just so sad and lonely. i can't seem to quit crying. i know he is in a better place and i know he was ready to go so why am i crying?

Comments for Loss and Mistakes

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Mar 08, 2012
To Judith from California
by: Anonymous

Wow - your words are so positive and helpful to my. I can tell you are speaking from experience. Thank you so much for taking time to write. I am so sorry for your loss too. How long has it been since you lost your husband? Have you found peace? I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you, LL

Mar 08, 2012
What you do Now
by: Judith in California

You grieve a hard as you can for as long as you can and anytime you feel the need until you come to peace with all of it. You are strong and will be okay eventually. When you grieve, grieve for the the young couple you two once were for the good times. Then grieve for the troubled couple and the hard times you had and remember all the unkind things said and done. Then lastly grieve for the total loss and know God has taken him home. I pray for you to come to the peace you need.

God bless you on this journey and please read more of the letters we have all left here for you to find you are not alone in how you feel and will get through it one breath, one minute, one day at a time.

Mar 07, 2012
Reply to others comments
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much Janet, M. Mack and Judith for your kind words. It just feels so different than I expected it to feel. I thought I would be so glad he was out of his pain and misery (which of course I am), but instead all I can remember is our younger years when we were so happy. I just cannot believe I will never be able to touch him or kiss him again. How will I ever get over that? I was 15 and he was 17 when we first started dating and we never looked at another. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself being left behind by myself. How could he change like he did then how could he just leave me? How will I survive without him? What do I do now?

Thank you again for your support - your words really meant a lot to me - -

Mar 05, 2012
Try to Let Go of It
by: Judith in California

There is a common factor when some people become incapicated and have to rely on otheres for help in their daily lives. They turn on the very ones who love them and because of thier illness just can't see it even when we cll it to their attention.

I became a full caregiver for my husband . He had gotten Parkinsons Disease and began falling. He fell and fractured his skull and after a week in the hospital the Doctors released him to a care facility for rehab they said he would be okay but after a month in a care facility I borught him home and he flourished for a while then the angry spellls began and I was called every name in the book, was told to get a divorce because he didn't love me then he would change and say he loved me and the roller coaster ride of emotions was on. I finally got angry back and told him off. I still could not/would not ever leave him . HE needed me and I vowed to be there for him.

HE passed 18 months ago and I've gone through the angy at him stage, the guilty at me stage . I wrote it all in my journals, volumes of every sinlge thing I was angry about he did or did not do in our 35 1/2 year marriage and everything I felt guilty about and sorry that I did. I talked with God and prayed on it Then made a decision to forgive him all thosse things and most importantly forgive myself. I just did not know his meds coould change him and I was human and had to defend myself. This helped me to let him rest in peace and me to live in peace. Sure, I won't forget them but I won't have the anger for him because I will always love him even tho he wasn't always loveable.

I hope you can do the same for we can't move on until we let go of all of the negative things.

We are human, not perfect and we ask God to forgive us as we forgive them. Some of us had perfect imperfect marriages.

Take care and hopefully you will find the peace you need.

Mar 05, 2012
Loss and Mistakes
by: M Mack

You must know that he was not the same person you had at one time in your life. I feel for the pain he suffered but more so I'm sorry you had to go through it. You are a survivor and did what you could. Don't blame yourself and understand that some people who go through this need support to get back on tract. Divorce is not easy but you are grieving the loss of your past, someone you shared your love. Take care not to be hard on yourself and know you are not alone. It will get easier as you travel this journey in time.

Mar 05, 2012
Loss and Mistakes
by: M Mack

You must know that he was not the same person you had at one time in your life. I feel for the pain he suffered but more so I'm sorry you had to go through it. You are a survivor and did what you could. Don't blame yourself and understand that some people who go through this need support to get back on tract. Divorce is not easy but you are grieving the loss of your past, someone you shared your love. Take care not to be hard on yourself and know you are not alone. It will get easier as you travel this journey in time.

Mar 05, 2012
Loss and Mistakes
by: Janet

Hi,

After reading your story I can understand why you did what you did. You lost a part of yourself when you lost him. Divorce is really only a word, it is what you feel in your heart that matters.

Pain and the lack of independence can do strange things to a man.

May God Bless you. One breath, one Step and one Day at a time.

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