Loss my brother

by marcel
(florida)

today like all days feels so weird. It's been 38 years since his death and I am hear to tell you, time doesn't heal wounds.My brother was my father,my best friend,my everything.One moment I am in the cafeteria freshman year at college with my roomate, when i get this over powering feeling to go home. My roomate followed me and took the 8 hour bus ride back home with me. I called my family at the bus station when I arrived.The first thing I asked was where is my brother? My mother response was" he's in the hospital".That was on a friday,by Sunday he had passed. I chose not to go to the hospital that day.....i had a premonition the night before and sat outside the hospital all night. I new my life would change from that moment..not in a good way. There were years of blaming myself for not being there. Years of pure anger and rage of"why me" ,years of swearing family and people were looking at me , but seeing my brother. When taking pictures it seemed like a ghost was missing without my brother in the picture.His death was sudden, he wasn't sick or anything, I think I developed PTSD. Our whole family and extended family was distraught and we have never recovered . Holidays aren't the same, birthdays are hard.No one got counseling and I just continued to put on a good face. What do I say when someone asks me "how is your brother".I recreate that summer over and over only with me being there to prevent my brother from dying.I was 16 when he passed. I am 55 now and the hurt feels like yesterday.I can honestly say it destroyed my family.

Comments for Loss my brother

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Nov 07, 2012
Roy Anthony Gonzales (30 years old ) r.i.p Bub
by: Jennifer aka Sis

Oh and one more thing I am glad u r feeling better and also that u r going on with ur life . I don't wish this feeling upon anyone one day we will over come it , but of course we will never forget them no matter what day it is . Once again thank u again and may ur brother r.i.p with my brother they r with god know . He is watching them now .

Nov 07, 2012
Roy Anthony Gonzales Aka Bub
by: Jennifer aka Sis

Thank u :) I think we all have 2 cause it seems like no one is getting better or moving on . I was feeling like that also that I wanted 2 die but I am feeling a little better with prayers 2 god . But counseling is a good choice I am going 2 takn 2 my family and push them 2 that . Its crazy cause I always lived all my life in Texas then I moved 2 Arizona and only a day in half had gone by and my mom called me that he had passed . I had 2 fly back 4 a funeral and my brother was on a plane when I gave him the news that r brother had died . We were both gone and not there 4 him it's so weird how he died when we left . So it's like my mom lost me also I cant b there in person 2 comfort her I've always been there all my life I am 34 years old . So it's just crazy how he died when we were not present we always looked after him even though he was 30 years old I always worried about him :( thank u 4 ur advice we really all need help . Everyone is depressed :(

Nov 07, 2012
In Memory of ~ Bub
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, I am sorry for your loss 2 months ago and how it is still affecting your grief. PAIN like this is so awful it is unbearable. I often feel that no one should suffer hurt like this. BUT WE DO. DEATH even though associated with LIFE is the most painfull experience we have to bear. Years ago I had so much pain in my SOUL that life was so unbearable I didn't want to live. THANK GOD. A counsellor came along who was right for me. I fought hard against the pain and also what I had to resurrect from my life that pain was oozing out of me that almost was OBSCENE for one to suffer this. I was skeptical. I said to myself WHY AM I HERE? "I don't believe this is going to work." "I don't feel I will ever survive this pain." I kept going back for another dose. I was so cynical that I felt that this counselling was punishment I deserved. I must have done something wrong in my life to suffer so much. WRONG. Days after a therapy session you feel unstable as if you have been turned inside out. THEN. A MIRACLE starts happening. You wake up and feel like a new person. It is as if someone switched on the light inside you and you can see things clearly for the first time in your life. You start to feel better. The pain gets less and less. You will still have the memories of things that got you here in the first place. But all the anger, pain and sorrow goes. The clouds have rolled back. You enter life as a new person. You start to think differently. Anonymous. YOU and every other person on this site in PAIN. Owes it to themselves to do something for yourself to get yourself out of this pain. In life we will go through much that will add to our pain. Better to resolve things early and not let them build up till life becomes unbearable. Every time you face a crisis in life you will have become much stronger and be able to cope better. You will also develop coping strategies that will get you through life. THIS IS WHAT I WISH FOR EVERYONE. A Safe and more comfortable passage through GRIEF. That will allow you to not be in so much PAIN. That it makes no sense to live like this. I am sorry for your loss. May you be comforted and supported in your GRIEF & SORROW.

Nov 06, 2012
Bub
by: Anonymous

We can get comfort on here cause we all feel the pain . Don't get embarrassed we can't help it , only we know how we feel not others that have not lost someone close . So keep it up I feel u on the memory stuff everyday I get different thoughts also :(

Nov 06, 2012
thank you
by: marcel

Thank you so much Doreen and others for your compassion and comments. It's easier to express myself on here than with people I know.Everyday there's something new or different I remember involving his death,as far as the actual funeral,how someone was distraught or who was there.It's like my memory is still thawing out from what happened.Sometimes i feel embarrased when I speak of my brother and get so emotional, when i think people are saying "all this time and you still get so emotional".I think of what my grandmother told me that, we were so close because he wasn't going to be here very long.I will try grief couseling.

Nov 06, 2012
Loss of my brother
by: Doreen U.K.

Marcel I am sorry for your loss of your brother 38yrs. ago. You all as a family seem to have been affected greatly by this sudden death and loss that you all have not gotton over. 38yrs. ago counselling was not as widely used as it is today. Since you are so badly affected as if it was yesterday is reason enough to take yourself off to a grief counsellor and start the hard work of grieving your loss with the support of a specialist in this area. Who would hold the pain for you whilst you worked out your feelings. A specialist counsellor can also work at a deep level to bring to the surface things that have been locked up for years and forgotton but still affect your life today. This can all change. Put in the hard work. Go through the Pain. You will still have the scars but minus the awful pain of grief.
For me years ago I let my depression go on for years whilst bringing up children. I passed on a lot of my depression to my children that affected their life, education, and happiness, and Adult relationships. I came out of counselling a more integrated person. I reclaimed my life back and I could never go back to the same emotionally unhealthy place I was in. I also learned skills that was able to benefit everyone I related to. I see the expensive counselling I paid out for ~~~ for many years as the best INVESTMENT ever. I wish you well in your life and future and hope that you are able to resolve the Pain you still feel over the loss of your brother all those years ago. You owe it to yourself to at least have happier years ahead. It won't be demeaning to your brother. It will HONOUR your brother as He should be HONOURED.

Nov 06, 2012
In memory of Bub
by: Anonymous

That is exactly how we feel and it's only been a little more then 2 mths . My family feels different now I already know it will never never b the same . We were so close all of us my mom had 5 children now it's 4 he was only 30 years old , I don't think he had a clue he was leaving :( died in his sleep at my moms house . There is more 2 the story but I'd rather not talk about it cause it gets me really upset . His bday is coming up nov 21, I so am not looking forward 2 it or Thanksgiving :( I feel ur pain and it's only been so little in time I lost happiness and my soul feels empty . I have a big hole in my heart that will never heal no matter what time in life it will b I will never heal tell the day I reunite with him . The only comfort I barley have is that he is with r dad which died when my brother was only 4 years old so know they r together . I just wish We could have grown old together everyday I wake up
And he is in brain day and night . I cry everyday and when I see his pic it hurts so bad it's like he is staring at me . I dream of him a lot so it feels like a visit he hugs me in every dream practically and he knows he is gone in the dream . Thank u 4 sharing ur feelings on here I feel the same way and I have a long road ahead of me :(

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