Loss of a son

My beloved son will not speak to me anymore, he lives out of town and I must somehow come to terms with possibly never seeing him or hearing his voice again. He is 23. I loved him more than life, but now I sometimes feel I hate him more than I could ever hate another human being.

This scares me, I don't want what is left of my life to be filled with anger and hate for him. I hate him for his meanness and insensitivity, that his actions have broken me and destroyed even the sweet childhood memories I treasured in my heart.

He is gay and accuses me of being homophobic because I needed time to tell aunts, uncles, and grandparents about his orientation at his graduation party. He would not give me time, I gave him 23 years of my life, he would not give me a few months to tell our extended family individually, on a one to one basis.

I have known he was gay before he even knew what the term meant; I loved him then although I feared for his future, that he might be hurt by an unaccepting society. I would have stood by him no matter, but now I am not sure I would ever want to.

Gay or straight, he is not a good person and I am ashamed that I raised him to be so unfeeling. I cannot tell anyone of this shame; I have told everyone he is gay, but I cannot tell them of my loss. I am so ashamed, I wanted to be a good mother, to raise beautiful, caring human beings, but I feel a total failure.