Loss of husband of 42 years, my true love and best friend

by Mary Loar
(Keizer, OR 97303)

Last March while my husband of almost 42 years was in hospice, I had emergency back surgery. He thought I had abandoned him and was divorcing him as I would go into the rest home about three times each day, then of course I could not be there. My friends and neighbors were wonderful (no family in area) and stayed with my husband while I was in hospital I got a two hour leave of absense to see him the day before he died. He was unconscious by the time I got there, but I think he knew I was there. He was a WWII vet and retired firefighter so we buried him with Fire Dept and Navy honors in Aug. At first I seemed OK. He had been sick for a long time as he lost his balance system to an antibiotic in 1998. The last, almost a year, has been terrible I have had so many medical problems (probably put on back burner with him sick -there was 13 years between us.) I take one day at a time and just enjoy my home and my two poodles. I do not like to be in company much as it hurts to see couples. I thought I was getting better but in the last week all I seem to have done is cry and it seems unbearable without him. I am fairly strong and I thought I would always be OK, but his death has been awful, and I wonder where I will go from here. I am going to see my family in UK in June for the first time in 11 years. Bob could not handle the trip, I feel so bad I was not wth him in those final days but I could not be there and my friends would tell him that. My daughter has been to visit two separate weeks which is good, but I know only I can start my life again. I understand exactly what you are all talking about. I had no idea and if I hear of someone locally who has lost a loving spouse, I will try to help. One will survive but I know it is going to be a long, lonely road ahead. Even being with a lot of family at Christmas did not help, and was hard. I try to put on a brave face but my heart is broken. I am glad I found this site.

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Jan 28, 2014
Loss of husband of 42 years, my true love and best friend
by: Doreen UK

Mary I am sorry for your loss of your husband. What a hard and difficult time you have had. It all seems to come at once. The timing was so hard for you because you missed those moments you wanted. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 20 months ago. I nursed him for 3yrs. before he died of a painful cancer. Even if we are accepting of losing a husband it is still the hardest battle we will go through. It is hard to pick up one's life again. There are still days I have to question if I really lost him. It is still surreal. Living with someone for over 40yrs. is not easy to recover from losing them. Every now and then a thought or feeling will come back and I will feel the rawness of grief all over again. Just when you think you are moving forward you get knocked down again with grief. This seems to be on going. Coming to the UK for a break will help you. This is what I wanted to do after losing my husband. To go for a break somewhere. Now I can't move from my comfort zone. My home has become my haven. I just don't want to become a recluse. I am still taking one day at a time. So perhaps one day I will wake up with a spurt of energy and everything will fall into place. It is still a hard and tough road to travel. It is early days for you. Try and remember that for every bad day you have there is a good one just around the corner. This will somehow get you/us through the bad times.

Jan 27, 2014
Your grief
by: Lawrence

Dear Mary,
I’m so sorry you have had to join this web site with so many widows and widowers still deep in mourning like yourself, we all know only too well the hell you are in and the overwhelming pain of your loss.
The image of your husband’s funeral with Navy and Fire department honors moved me deeply, what a wonderful ending for a brave and gallant man; you and your family must have been so proud through the tears.
There are no words to help you get over this nightmare of being alone after being married for so long, the nights will be endless and the house so empty, but that is the lot that has been left to us who are bereaved.
I guess I was lucky, you saw your husband suffer for so many years which must have been agonizing to watch, whereas my beautiful wife died in the blink of an eye, one minute talking the next dying thus ending a seventy year love affair.
The memory of Christmas Day 2012 will never fade although the anguish and heartache has lessened the tears are never far away and I miss her like hell.
I feel like half a Siamese twin even after a year.
Yet, here I am offering you comfort and the knowledge that you will come through it, remembering all the happy times and thanking God for them.
Which just goes to show, if I can do it you certainly can.
Having a family is wonderful and a great comfort but they can never replace the magic and love you had for each other.
Come back and let us all know how you are doing.


Jan 27, 2014
Loss of Husband
by: Judith in California

Dear Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss. When you had to go through your surgery and not be with him it must have torn you apart . I know I would have been terrified to think my husband would be alone and feel abandoned.
My husband of 35 1/2 years was in a care facility nd I too visited him 3 long visits a day every day and on weekends almost lived there with him. We finally brought him home so I could care for him. He passed 3 years ,4 months ago and I am missing him more not less. We can't project too much into the future and just take it one day at a time and do the best we can. We learn to fake it so well. Smiling while our hearts are broken , crying when no one is around, feeling so empty, missing our loves.
I hope you have some women friends that you an go out to lunch or dinner with or just go sit in the mall and watch people. Please don't isolate yourself from others. We need to be around people a little bit.
I pray for you Mary, to take some time for yourself, do some things you like to do and be strong.

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