Loss of husband

by MaryAnne
(California)

I am giving an update on how I am coping since the loss of my husband. It will be 4 months on March 22.

I miss him something terrible. I think about him all the time.

I pray a lot. One day while driving I was asking God to let me know how much my husband loved me. A feeling of love filled my being and I realized that I was feeling the love he had for me as well as my love for him.I said, "Thank you Lord".

I have made some changes here. I bought a little table with a lamp attached and placed it beside "grandpa's chair". I also made changes to our room and it looks pretty. The thought that came to me when I finished the room changes was, "My husband would like this room". He always made a fuss over my decorating and would grab me in a big hug and say,"Sweetheart, you did all that? That looks beautiful".

I had some rough moments doing the taxes by myself. I realized I was truly on my own now. It wasn't a good feeling. But I always ask God to help me get through these things and to help me do a good job like my husband always did. It is the same running the complex too. I tend to the needs of the people here promptly as he did. He always said that taking care of the needs of our tenants would encourage them to stay here a long time. I call the same people he did for any repairs needed. He was sure respected and well liked.

The grandchildren seem to be doing well and they talk about him a lot, remembering his kindness and generosity.

I am realizing that I will always miss him but I stay busy and it sure helps. I realize that I have to go on for whatever reason God wants and I realize the sad times are part of the healing process. I am thankful for the love we shared.

Comments for Loss of husband

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Nov 21, 2014
I MADE A DECISION
by: LONELY

My husband died 30th August, 2014, he had been ill for many years with COPD and for the past three years I was his 24/7 care giver. I am so lonely and cannot get the day he died out of my mind, it is like a tape re-winding itself over and over again. He was a hard-working man, who lived for his family always putting us first and I miss him so very much.

My sons and I were discussing the scattering of my husbands ashes one day and the discussion led to when was I wanting them to sort their dads clothes out. I told them never, I had my wardrobe and drawers and my husband had his, all his clothes will stay exactly where they are, I have no inclination at all to want to open his wardrobe doors and see them stood empty, what is the point. I will keep his books in the book cabinet and his CD's in the CD rack, again, why do I want to see them stood empty, they are furniture. We lived in our family home from the birth of our sons for over 40 years and even when my husband was so ill he always said 'I love my home'. I decided to keep his ashes as well and when I die my sons can go through the house and empty everything at the same time and scatter our ashes together. I made the decision because I just don't want to live with memories alone, I want my husband to still be a part of my life and if that means leaving everything as it is then so be it. With everything being the same as the day he was taken into hospital before he died it is as if I am waiting for him to come home, I know he never will, but it gives me comfort knowing that everything is the same as the day he died and I am not removing him from his home.

You may think I am wrong to do this but if would break my heart all over again to see his beloved belongings being taken away as he took pride in the way he dressed and was a collector of books and CD's which was his hobby and helped him so much when he was housebound as it kept his mind occupied. All he needed was me, his television, laptop, books and CD's and the other love of his life, his German Shepherd dog who adored him.

So, here we are, everything as it was apart from my husband not being here. I hope he is looking down on us and knows that he is still a part of our lives and that he could still walk through the door and everything would be as he left it.


Nov 19, 2014
LOSS THE LOVE OFMY LIFE AND BEST FRIEND
by: Karen

My husband passed away 15 months ago. He was diagnosed with Lung cancer on Jan 23, 2013. We were in disbelief at first but knew we would fight and fight with all we had. After Chemo and radiation started he started experiencing more and more problems. He was scoped a total of 6 times and ended up in the ER almost weekly. He was diagnosed from pneumonia or blood clots on a regular basis. He started to spend weeks and weeks in the hospital at a time. My children and I were up on a regular basis. As soon as he would get rid of one problem another would develop. We spent 91 long days in the hospital out of the 141 days that he survived. The last 6 weeks I never left the hospital, my work was great, they allowed me to work at nights from his hospital room via laptop. I never left unless to shower from 4-5 AM in the morning and had to be back before 6AM for the round of doctors to come in. He was eventually put on breathing machine and started to get better and was just about to be taken off the vent when his body started to shut down. He was no longer able to fight. Me and my children had a difficult decision to make but in the end we knew it was best for him. His was taken off the vent @9AM once all the family arrived and passed away quietly @ 1:59 on June 13, 2014. 2 days past our 25 wedding anniversary. ITs hard to believe he gone after such a short battle and his determination to win the battle. It hard for me and my children, he was very close with all of them and we struggle to get through it, but we do our best and we do it together. I am fortunate to have had him with me for 31 years, we meet in high school at age 16 and married shortly out of school and had 3 amazing kids and 2 granddaughters. My four year old granddaughter sends balloons to heaven all the time. It helps keeps his memory alive with her. He will never be forgotten and is a very hard lose for us all. Someday are harder then most, but we know he around us. I miss him tremendously and some days its hard to move forward, but they tell me one day at a time. I'm so lonely without him. The upcoming holidays are rough without him.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Nov 14, 2014
I feel attracted to another Man
by: Anonymous

My husband passed away 15 months ago, I loved him dearly, we had a happy life & raised two children, I missed him so much & feel very lonely, now, I don't know what's happening to me, I met this man through a friend of mine & I feel attracted to him, I have this feeling inside me, I just can't take him off my mind, he doesn't know that I got this feeling for him, but he seems to care about me, now, I don't know what to do, I keep thinking, I'm hurting my husband by feeling like I am.
Could someone give me some advice what to do please?

Oct 28, 2014
How do I stop crying.
by: Anonymous

3 weeks ago I lost my best friend and lover.
We were married for 51 years. God never gave us any
Children.
We both knew we would not live forever. He was 77 years old,
But still an active vol fireman, responding to call, doing drills.
He had been doing that for 57 years.
In May he was told he had penis cancer, he did everything to
Live. On sept 23, 2014 he died. I held him as he took hi last breath. My only regreat is I could not get him home. I had it set up for him to come home on Thursday, he passed Tuesday
Afternoon. I do not know to live. I want him to hug me, to take
The blanket. I want to tell his a silly story. I want to laugh with him over the silly pictures I have found. I can not cook for 1, I cannot sit at the table alone. I do not know how to live by myself. I don't know how to clean the bathroom grout, to run the snow blower.
I cannot stop crying, I cannot stop screaming for him to come back.
My head knows that cannot happen. But, my heart will never hear the truth.

When I go to his grave, I keep telling him to come home.
I want him to have peace in heaven, I want some peace on earth. I am lucky, I always knew I was loved. He knew he was always loved. We were lucky, we were friends before we were married, and it was like that until the day he died.
How do I keep living without him?
How do I want to live without him?

Oct 08, 2014
the love of my life
by: Anonymous

My best friend, lover and husband of 53 years passed away on July 1st of brain cancer. He had never been sick accept a little bout with ulcers back in the 60's which makes this entire ordeal seem like something out of the twilight zone. I still feel him near me and without fail everytime i hear something funny or see something he would like, i turn around and say Honey….. and then realize he is gone. I wish there was a pill for loneliness but i realize he would want me to be strong. Our 53 years were wonderful and we were perfect for each other…….total opposites. He was so organized and me, well, lets just say, if i can find it, then its ok…….why am i writing this, because i am hoping it will help take this pain away. Thank you for listening.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 06, 2014
I miss my husband
by: Tammi Henderson

My husband of 4 years and best friend of 12 recently died on Aug 23. Every day that passes seems to just get harder. I miss him more an more. I try to keep busy but sometimes I just can't do anything... He & I ran a karaoke side job. So what has been helping me is listening to his recordings. He talks and sings to me all day. But he isn't there... the reality tears me up at night, when I see I am alone. No one to hold me...
Brian was diagnosed with brain cancer and within 83 days he died. He was eighteen years older than me, he was only 61. He was the most beautiful man in the world. I have lost many family members but his death is so different, and still so painful.

Oct 02, 2014
randy was my life
by: oct.2 2014 laura

Randy was my life and we truly had what most people dream of , but that doesn't help I feel like I am losing my mind most days and the others I just walk around not really knowing what I am doing. On march 12 2014 I found my beautiful man dead in the driveway, it was the last big snow of the year, I gave him CPR for ten minutes before the ambulance got there and every day I replay that over and over in my head, I have two girls and I know they need me but I don,t have any thing left to give I am tired all the and cry 24-7. My youngest had to get married just 2 months after and it was the hardest thing in the world to see her walk down the ilea alone.I found later he had coronary artery disease. He was only 46 years old.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 01, 2014
randy was my life
by: laura

my husband randy died march 12 2014,no worning nothing he was 46 years and so full of joy,and now that is all gone.We found out later that he had coronary desise.I wake up ever moring thinking it didn't happen iam so lost without him most days I just wonder aound not really knowing what I am doing. I have two girls and my one had to get married without her dad it was the hardest thing I ever done.iam sad from the time I get up to the time I go to bed.i don't want a life without him but I know that's not possiable. No one understands and now reading all your stories has really help and every one is saying exactly how I feel.I am never going to be the same as long as I live. Thank you to every one who has been brave enough to say how they truly feel! We were married 24 years and together almost 25 and and a half and I will hold on to that for the rest of my life.,
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Sep 14, 2014
I MISS HIM SO MUCH
by: Lonely

My wonderful husband died August 30th 2014 after a long battle with COPD/Emphysema. I was his 24/7 caregiver for the past three years and he was in and out of hospital many times with pneumonia but he always pulled through and came home again. Just a day before he died he asked me what was for tea then 10 minutes later I was calling an ambulance, I was with him all the time and he struggled all night and the rest of the day until the afternoon and waited until my sons and daughter-in-law were around his bed and died peacefully, it was not expected, we thought the antibiotics would make him better and he would pull through again but it wasn't to be, I could not have a conversation with him from the day he was taken into hospital until he died as he was having to wear a special oxygen mask to take the CO2 from his body. After three years of looking after him for him to die so quickly is breaking my heart, we should have had a warning, but it happened so fast. We were all with him telling him we loved him very much but what if he never heard us. I will never get over this, I feel lost, empty, cold, alone and completely devastated, we were together 50 years from age 18.

Aug 25, 2014
Jim died too soon
by: Anonymous

I knew that the lung disease that Jim was diagnosed with would take his life.
But I didn't expect it this soon.
I expected more time. I wanted more time. I felt I had more time.
I don't miss him yet, because time is standing still. It has been 2 months. I should still be his caregiver.
We had a funeral. I come and go from home and work and spend time with my children and grandchildren...but when will I realize that he is really gone.

Aug 02, 2014
David died on 1/1/14
by: Kathy

On new years eve my husband was fine. He did some yard work went out with our little girl paid the house bills. We had dinner his favorite, then we had our new year eve fire in the back yard. banged on pots at midnight sent our little girl to bed and sat and talked by the fire till 1am. He went into the house. I stayed outside another 1/2 a hour. Put the chairs away came into the house and heard something off. His c-pap machine was wrong so I went into the bedroom and he was in bed just like every other night,except the noise coming from his machine. I said his name and nothing so I went over to him, he had a nice smile on his face, but he was not breathing right. so I took off his mask and called his name again. nothing so I hit him hard across the face because I knew he was dead but I would not except it. he opened his eyes looked right at me now with a don't bother me look. closed them and never opened them again. I called 911 and started CPR, the policemen were there very fast and told me to leave the room. I said NO so one of them helped me out of the room I called my mother and friend and told them what was going on and then my husband Dr. came out of the bedroom and said he is gome. I do not remember much for the next week. It still feels like that day everyday when I wake up. Will this ever get better?

Jul 20, 2014
Love and miss my husband
by: Dawn

Loss my husband in March 2013. Lossing a spouse doesn't get any easier. I was there when he took his last breath. I seem to relive the nightmare everyday. I am doing the best I can day by day that is all I can do. We was married for 17 years and together for 21 years. He was my everything, my soulmate, best friend, lover, husband. I still don't know what to do with life without him.

Jul 04, 2014
IT WILL BE TWO YEARS IN SEPTEMBER
by: Phyllis

I don't know how I've come this far without Robert, but I have. I've gone from complete devastation to deep sadness; from loneliness to no feeling at all; from fear to moments of unbelievable strength; and from confusion to acceptance. These are all valid feelings and I no longer deny them or try to make judgments about what they mean. They just "are". The "new new" is ahead of me and I'm trying hard to not reject opportunities for adventure, friendships or something untried. Whether it's food, or entertainment, or travel or whatever, I'm trying to be open to it all. I've not run away and I continue to embrace my life without my darling husband because I feel that this is what he would want. He was not a quitter, he was not a complainer and I want to follow in those footsteps. When I see him again, I want to be able to give him a long list of what I did while we were apart. And most of all, I remember what a dear friend said to me just after Robert died: "Do whatever you can to keep from feeling sorry for yourself", and as another friend said "It's okay to visit Pity City, it's just not okay to live there." I keep my husband close to me in my head and in my heart. I'm surrounded by his pictures, have some wonderful video of him (so I can enjoy hearing his voice), and visit him at his resting place often. I will get through this until we are reunited again. I will love him always.

Jul 02, 2014
I lost my love
by: Ginger

I lost my husband on April 6, 2014. It was a third marriage for both of us. Neither of us were proud of that but we always knew how lucky we were to find each other, to find true love, to enjoy living and we appreciated every moment together. We did everything together. We had so many routines and everyday things that were just ours. He was diagnosed with Leukemia and 8 hard months later he died. We weren't even home during those 8 months except for short visits. His care had to be out of town. We went from a healthy happy normal life to almost dying, chemo, more chemo transplant, more chemo, radiation, then death. I am not doing so well without him. I am a Christian but am having trouble finding comfort from the one that took him. I know it's not my place to question but it doesn't make sense to me that God would help me to find true love/ happiness and for my husband as well, then take it from us. I'm so overwhelmed with sadness and heartache, I have to remind myself I'm not having a heart attack. The pain is that bad and that real. I have family support and my children and grandchildren in my life but have trouble finding joy in anything. I get up and go to work, I got a puppy to keep me company, joined a support group and I still feel like I'm only showing up for life and not really participating. I really don't care about much and I can honestly say I don't fear death like an emotionally normal person should. I don't feel suicidal, I am on antidepressants but really don't think there is anything that could help enough to do more than survive. I feel like I don't know my purpose, I'm not sure if I'm not supposed to be happy or could ever be again. I do know that a once fun loving, happily married woman has been destroyed and I don't even know who I am anymore much less who I'm supposed to be. I have no motivation, no energy, I'm tired all the time. I dearly love my puppy and she has helped me a lot with the bedtime upsets and I have her to come home to but nothing will ever be the same in life again including me. I don't know what else to do. I have always prided myself on being tough but I'm so broken there is no fixing it. I really just want to cry and sleep all day. I know the only way I will survive this is to start a new life and I don't have the strength or desire to do so. I can't even think straight. Have trouble finding the right words, difficulty remembering things, feel so deeply sad all the time and yet have a sense of immortality because nothing in this world could hurt me more than I am already hurting now. I know no one probably has any advice but would like to hear it if so. I know it has not been that long and that it will take time and that I will feel better in time. I just don't know how long that will be.

Jun 28, 2014
Missing my beloved Bill
by: Anonymous

On March 1st 2014. I lost my best friend, my devoted husband and the Joy that filled my heart. How I miss his smile that he not only wore but radiated from every fiber of his being. It will be 4 months this coming Tuesday that my sweetheart Billy was taken home by my heavenly Father. I have read many of your postings and tears haved ran down my face as I truly know how many of you feel.

I know exactly the heartache expressed by so many, the tears flow when going to a place where my husband and I would go to. Some places I still can not go to.

Coming home to an empty house is so hard. Getting up in the mornings I make myself go on with living all while inside I feel dead. My heart hurts so badly I cry out to God to please stop the pain. God is good. I may not know the reason he chose to take my beloved Bill, but since know I will one day see him again.

So by God's grace I will go on living, and each day I make every effort to choose to be happy even though my heart is broken. My mind tells me I have much to be thankful for and hopefully one day God will grant my heart to heal. May each of you who are grieving know you are not alone. Right here you are surrounded by many who understand your brokenness and the great loss you are suffering. And better yet, a loving Heavenly Father awaits to wrap his strong arms of comfort around you.

Thank you for opening your hearts to me. How God used you to show me I'm not alone and all the emotions I'm feeling are all part of the healing process. We're wired to cry so don't hold back the tears let them flow so the healing can take place. Big hug to each of you.


Jun 18, 2014
Trying to cope
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband in Feb. 2013 after 32 years of marriage. He fought a valiant battle against colon cancer and was optimistic to the end. For the first year I dealt with everything as it came along, but am finding in the second year things seem to be more difficult and I miss him more than
ever. Still in a fog and mornings are the worst, I wake up in a panic when I realize what has happened and feel exhausted most of the time. Hopefully, for everyone who has posted here, there will be calmer times ahead eventually. I am just grateful for the time we had together and trying to stay positive.

Jun 14, 2014
emotional roller coaster
by: laurinda

this is the first time i wrote about it. I lost my husband leon to lung cancer. This was a second marriage for me, and for us both it was like life handed us a second chance for happiness. We loved each other so much, and both wanted the other happy and would do what we could to make it happen. Then after 5 years, a lung cancer diagnosis. All the dreams of future just evaporated and it was now radiation, and he was at such an advanced stage that chemo was out of the question. We were devoted to each oher, we both were a team in this and i couldn't believe when it ended. I think i have been on the whirlwind of not getting a chance to just to grieve. I came home, and dealt with funeral arrangement, and then i have dealt with my kids. and it is like i am in some denial now in my relationships. i am finding i react to things and don't want to get close to my friends. i just am sad and do not feel i have any time to myself now to be me and think. it is my mom or my kids it just doesn't stop and i just want to be alone and think of what it was like with leon and how happy we were

May 26, 2014
Lost my best friend
by: Marciana

I lost my sweet precious on April 15 2012. Does it ever get better? He was the best person I have ever known. He was loved by his children, my children and 14 grand babies. They called him Paka or Pakey. His 7,000 patients adored him on and off post in Clarksville, Tn. He was the most generous man ever. When persons of any creed or race could not afford dental care, he would help them no matter what. Some soldiers paid him a dollar a week until his bill was paid ( which wasn't very much to begin with). He always said "it is always better t charge something, so the person can have self worth" God I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him in the next room for I know he is waiting for me. I pray all of you can feel a sense of relief knowing they will be there to great you also. I believe this with every fiber of my being.

May 17, 2014
Trying to deal
by: Anonymous

I just recently lost my husband on May 4, 2014 after only being sick for a few days. We had been together for 15 years and we have 3 beautiful daughters together. I have been so wrapped up in making sure our girls are doing okay that I haven't had the time to think about how i am feeling. I wake up feeling lost and confused. Our kidsgive me the strength and i am grateful to have them as i probably would have tried to go with him in the grave. I miss his smile, his laugh and even him asking me to fix him something to eat. He such a wonderful soul and personality. He was my true love, my best friend and soulmate. It is hard to deal with all this and raise our 3 daughters who's ages are 16, 4 and 1. Just wish i could go back to hug him, kiss him and tell him i love him so much.

May 07, 2014
Miss my husband
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband April 24th 2014 I also feel alone, lost and fearful.I miss him so much. He got sick and passed in 2 weeks. I never got the chance to speak to him again once they took him into surgery.I know he knew he wasen't going to make it, but I was sure he would be ok. I never had to do anything, he was just so handy and smart he took care of everything and everyone. I don't know how to deal with this awful grief I feel. I also feel guilty because I didn't see he was so sick, I just thought he would be around so we could grow old together. I just want more time with him.This is the the most terrible time in my life. I just don't know how to go on, if it wasn't for my children I would want to be with him now!

Apr 23, 2014
Broken and Useless
by: Anonymous

On March 30, 2012 I lost my everything. My husband of 21 years died of a brain hemorrhage at the age of 44. It all happened so fast, one minute we were in bed watching T.V. and then he tried to talk and couldn't, and tried to get up and fell. I called 911, and kept telling him I loved him and it was going to be ok. He tried so hard to talk, but I couldn't understand him. Then the paramedics came and asked me to move out of the way while they worked on him and put him in the ambulance. They wouldn't let me sit by him in the ambulance, I sat in front and talked to him because he was still conscious, but by the time we reached the hospital, he was in a coma and never came out of it. They said he was brain dead, and was only alive because of support. I and our 4 sons chose to turn off the life support as he would have never wanted to lay in a hospital bed a vegetable. Him and I had the conservation of what we would want if something like that ever happened, and that was his wish. After reading all of your comments I realized I was not alone in what I am going through and my thoughts. Its true after a certain time people expect you to get over it, they don't even seem to want to hear my husbands name. I too have thought about not living, but I don't believe in suicide. How does a person get up every day and go on when they have lost the person who was the reason they got up every day. Tom was, is, and will always be my life. He was the most amazing person, friend, son, brother, father, and husband. How am I suppose to feel when I am told that he is not my husband anymore because he's gone and I have to start moving on? If it were not for God and our boys, I would not be here. I have been in love with Tom since I was 19, and I love him more every day. The pain I feel every moment is indescribable, I still look for him to come home from work, or call me on his lunch break like he use to. I think I was angry at God too, but I know there must have been a reason for taking Tom. I am very thankful for all the comments I was able to read, my heart goes out to all of you, and my prayers. I guess all any of us can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving even though its the last thing we want to do. God bless you all.

Feb 20, 2014
Grief forever
by: Kelly

I lost my husband to Colon cancer on 1/18/2012 and the pain is still as intense as it was two years ago. Even though I try to turn to God for strength it just seems that I have lost my connection to him and prayers don't seem to help. I try to stay busy but we always did everything together so whatever I do is a constant reminder of his absence. For the first year my friends were really supportive but after a year it was as if they felt like my grief should be over and have continued with there lives and marriages. When I do see them it's a reminder of how complete there lives are and how empty mine is. My daughter helps but does not live close. No one seems to understand how hard it is. I would rather be dead but I know that taking my life would selfish so I take it a day at a time and try to find little bits of happiness when I can. It has helped me to read other posts as I don't feel alone with my grief.

Jan 19, 2014
Miss you always
by: Anonymous

In June, my husband got sick and almost died when his large intestine died. After 6 mo in hospitals, he worked really hard in rehab to be able to come home (his heart's desire), he was discharged on a Friday but by Tues. night he was sick & developed uncontrolled pain. His small intestine had died due to loss of blood flow (same thing happened again) but this time they couldn't do anything. He officially died Wed morning. He and I are Christians. I'm glad he doesn't have pain anymore and is enjoying eternal life with his new body. He's been through gastric bypass resulting in malabsorption and extreme weight loss, both hips had been replaced and due to severe scoliosis he'd just recovered from total spine reconstruction surgery prior to the event in June. He worked so hard to recover each time to have a normal life with me. I grieve for the life we had and the life we wanted here. I miss him so much. He was always here for me, even in hospital with me visiting him or him calling me from the hospital. It was just the two of us. We had no kids. I miss his love, his guidance, his caring and worrying about me. I just miss him so much but no one seems to want to talk about him much. He's gone and they've all gone on with life but it's really lonely and quiet here without him. He was so talkative with a very strong presence. He was my world and I was his. He was always interested in everyone and everything, looking out for everyone and so kind. I miss him and always will. I feel very alone and his stuff is everywhere. Somehow I have to go on but there's a huge hole in my life and inside me. I work full time which helps fill my days but the rest of the time is hard.

Jan 06, 2014
46 yrs of love
by: Anonymous

On Nov 7, 2013 I lost my husband of 46 years in a two week roller coaster ride from diagnosis to death. The week before his diagnosis we did yard work, getting beds ready for the winter as always, his appetite began to lessen and after many attempts to see his dr., the nurse gave a phone diagnosis of dehydration. We began treatments as prescribed. On the third day went to after hours clinic when symptoms advanced despite our following protocol. He was immediately diagnosed as jaundice and we were sent to local ER and after a CT scan was told a tumor clot was blocking left portal vein to liver, liver had extensive damage, and spleen was swollen as toxins had no where to go. Sent to a nearby hospital, after CT scans, MRI, Biopsy was diagnosed with cancer that had metatisized from another organ (probably pancreas) . A diagnosis of days was given. He wanted to come home and there was no treatment plan available. We came home with hospice and we were able to keep him peaceful and nearly pain free for one week, a miracle we were very great full for. I was told he wouldn't know me in the end. Just prior to his death I told him how much I loved him and he said"I love you more" and then peacefully passed away.i am so great full for the small miracles. I too can't Imagine my life without him and await the answer to why I was left here alone. He was a father and hero to three children and never more than a phone call away to three grandchildren.
There are days when I function almost normally, Other days I can't pray another word or cry another tear. At those times I lift myself up to God and lay in His arms till he gives me the co fort and strength to go on. Our God is truly an Awesome God and He sends us what we need. You only have to ask. That is the secret. Ask. I will pray for all of you that God sends you his comfort and strength and ask that you do the same for me.

Dec 30, 2013
Loss at Christmas
by: Anonymous

My beloved husband died after fighting graft verses host disease after a bone marrow transplant. It was a brutal death. I found myself shocked that his organs began failing
and there was no chance of survival for him.
For months we fought this wicked disease together.

My grief for him feels like I have had open heart surgery without anesthesia. I wake in deep sorrow,
and weep most of the day. I feel so all alone in my sorrow. I go in and out of grief stages and wonder if I can survive life without him.
I curl up with his blanket from the volunteers.
I find things he had been doing the day before we left for the hospital and feel more pain. I wanted to crawl in to that box with him. I don't want to live without
him, but that is not a choice. I didn't realize how much I loved him until he died.I know I am not alone in grief,am I going crazy?


Dec 18, 2013
I miss him so much
by: Heidi

I know I won’t ever be able to recover from the loss of my soul mate and true love. He died 10 weeks ago and each day gets harder. No one understands the depth of the soul crushing pain I’m in unless they’ve gone thru it themselves. Everyone seems to think I should be getting better…stronger by now. They don’t realize that when you love someone more than anyone else in the world and that person loves you just as much back and more – and you spend every single day together for the last 15 years – how on earth can you possibly ‘get over’ missing him and move on? Why would I want to? I love him so much.

He was ill but he was taken so suddenly and unexpectedly that I wasn’t prepared. I know he was looking forward to so many things with me and his family. And then God took him away. I don’t know why and I don’t know why he had to suffer so much. He was such a good man. It’s just not fair.

I am so envious of others that have their significant others. I don’t even want to be around anyone. I have no joy. I used to be a happy and optimistic person. My heart is buried with him in his grave. This holiday season was supposed to be special for me and him. Now it’s just unbearable.

Oct 31, 2013
Trying to Live a Life Without Him
by: Phyllis

I've tried to stay positive and to think of my Bob as just being away. I have some wonderful videos of our vacations and some others with him and I interviewing each other and some with just him talking. They really help! Hearing his voice, imagining myself in his arms - helps me. I have pictures all over the house and enjoy looking at his smiling and wonderful face. There was a 20 year age difference and although he seemed to know he would die before me, I seemed unwilling to accept that. The constant optimist, that's me. There are so many things I would love to ask him, things I would like to talk to him about, and just to be with him for an hour would be the greatest gift ever. Until we are together again (and I really hope we will be, as we meet on the "other side" of this life), I will just continue staying busy, continue spending time with family and friends and trying to smile. I often wonder if I will ever REALLY be happy again. He's been gone just over a year and I will continue to celebrate and remember his birthday, our wedding anniversary (after all, we are still married), and the date of his death. Valentines' Day, Christmas and so many other holidays are so empty without him. It helps to keep a diary and put down my thoughts, to have close friends who don't tire of me talking about him, and to be there for other women who lose their husbands. Perhaps I can, in some small way, help them. It does help to reach out to others! And most of all - I try not to feel sorry for myself. That is sometimes hard! But Bob would be disappointed in me if I sat around moping and living in self pity. That keeps me going too.

Oct 14, 2013
Loss of husband
by: Kathy

I just lost my husband 41 days ago after 38 years of marriage. He was my best friend, my rock, my soul mate and I hardly know life without him. He was 58 years old, too young to pass. We still had things to do. Our daughters both had gotten married last year so no grandkids yet. I know the only way I have gotten through this time is through the grace of God. I look at it in this way, there are two paths, the path of the "Did haves" and the path of the "Did have nots". The "did not have" path is dark and that to me is where the misery and sadness lies. I choose to stay on the "did have" path where it is light and happy. Those are where all the memories are and I think about all the things that we did over the 38 years. I am not saying that sometimes I start to wander down the dark path but I quickly try to get off. Where does that path take me? No where but to the sadness. I know that my husband is resting in the arms of God with no more pain and sickness. I still miss him like crazy and always will. Everything reminds me of him because we did everything together but I will not allow myself to wallow in the darkness. Am I saying it is easy, no that is not what I am saying because I have tears but not as many as I thought I would. If I start to get sad, I get out of the house, go out to eat with a friend or one of my kids, neices, nephews, cousins, someone to help me get the sadness out of my mind and it does help. Each day is a process and I take it one step at a time. Prayer is a powerful thing and I challenge those who have lost someone,if you don't know God, find Him and get lost in His love.

Oct 07, 2013
I've lost my dear husband and my faith
by: bb

My husband battled advanced colon cancer. He tried every remote treatment, just trying to buy time. It's just too heartbreaking to write about, but there is a huge impasse for me. All of you talk about God helping you. God is the one who took him. If he's there, I curse him. How do all of you embrace the power that stole his life ? I don't get that. I don't get God. And I don't how you can love, pray to or believe in a loving God, when he is responsible for the suffering and death of your loved one ? I don't read anything about others who feel as I do. With no where to turn for comfort, or even meditate to ? I'm so full of despair, no hope, joy, energy or relief from my heartache.

Sep 15, 2013
3 weeks today
by: his kitten

I lost my husband and best friend. It was sudden after our camping all summer We had always wanted to travel. We were together for 37 years and I miss him so much. I have to move and have been blessed to find a house with my son and his new wife and child. I hurt so much, I miss everything his voice, his touch, his breathing. I'm trying to be practical and downsize, but all I want to do is cry and sleep. Reading your comments help I don't feel so alone. I'm glad to know I'm not the only who wants to die also. I will be strong for my kids who are wonderful. But thank you for letting me say how I really feel.

Aug 22, 2013
Loss of my second husband
by: Anonymous

Lost my first husband after 26 years of marriage 16 years ago. It was very difficult but I had friends and family to help and three wonderful children. I was very fortunate to meet my second husband three years later. We had so much in common it was unbelievable. Although I was not eager to marry because I did not know if I could ever go through the loss of another husband, I changed my mind and we married. I had 12 wonderful years with my second husband. He helped me through tough times at my employment and all three of my children's marriages and my five grandchildren. Such wonderful times. Then in August 2012 I lost him to a stroke. Just did not seem fair and I was hurt, angry and cried all the time. I could not believe I lost my soul mate. But here I am one year later and I am surviving the loss. It is not easy, but I have always been a determined person. I have so much love for both of my husbands, but after my retirement I spent 24/7 with my last husband. Really hard to fill the void. I stay as busy as I can being retired. I have learned to drive a tractor which is better than having to sell it. I have started to run some 5K marathons. Provides some social contact and stress reduction. I have good days and bad days. There are more good days than bad. I plan to find more activities for the winter months. It definitely helps to stay busy.

Aug 02, 2013
hugs from here
by: Anonymous

My life has been different since my husband of almost eight years passed of a mitral valve prolapse on Jan 23, 2013. Everything keeps breaking down..and all the things he use to do is sometimes overwhelming. We have six children all but one has grown up and moved away...my son who is ten did everything with my husband. He talks about his dad all the time and sometimes we tear up or just smile while thinking of him. We both have attended a grief group and it has helped quite a bit. There are days that are a struggle but I find myself keeping busy all the time. Since my husband passed at our work I really don't find time away from the fact that he is no longer with us. I miss and live him with all my heart and soul and know that he is watching over us! I wish heaven had visiting hours...I really need his hugs and great smile! Hugs from here babe!

Jul 18, 2013
Lost him
by: Anonymous

My husband! My beautiful Edwin married 21 yrs two wonderful children! Lost him seven months ago my heart hurting still very much! Not sure what to say yet I am alive ! I don't know why?


Jun 12, 2013
I understand
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I read your comment posted on may 11th about your husband who died from lung cancer. I wrote several months back and check in now and then. Maybe if I share my situation it might help you realize THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

My husband of 45 years also died from lung cancer and lived for less than a year after his diagnosis. My heart goes out to you. Doing taxes by myself was frightening too, as have been so many firsts since he died. I work and am well regarded as a professional so it is incongruous to others that I struggle with simple things like paying the bills. We had a great division of labor over those 45 years as we managed both of us going to graduate school, developing careers, and raising our children. We pretty much let each other handle the things we preferred to do and did better than the other. I manage day by day but feel totally lost without him. I recently realized that I have an existence, not a life, and he has been gone for almost a year.

I have reconnected with girl friends from high school and college, since I went to an all girls high school and then nursing school. We are planning a fiftieth high school reunion so I am looking forward to that. our "couple" friends have stayed in touch and always urge me to come visit. Our closest couple friends have all moved out of state for sunnier places so a trip would be a vacation but I can't get myself to go without him.
My kids are terrific. They live locally. One stops by almost daily, the other calls daily (she lives a little further away) and is always asking me to come over and to go away with them on every trip they take. They have a boat and I am always welcome. My brother and sisters have been there for me if I ever need them and are always trying to get me to visit and go to lunch and dinner. I have an elderly aunt who lives alone and is always in touch. I function well at work but then I just want to come home and be alone.
The problem, clearly, is me!!
I really had to chuckle today when an old high school boyfriend tracked me down through my e-mail at work (nearly impossible to do!!) to express his condolences (he really liked my husband and kept in touch with us well after we were married) and invited me to visit.
Doesn't this all sound so rosy?
It's not.
I talked to my doctor and take an antidepressant that actually is working. I don't cry, I get dressed, put on makeup, cook, etc.
It's me. I really do not want to let go of my past. Has anyone out there experienced this need to hang on to the past? I have pictures of my husband strategically placed in my bedroom, sleep best on his side of the bed, and still have his ashes, flag, favorite sweater (that I knit for him), and his Docksider shoes are in front fireplace in the family room.
hope it helps to know you are not alone in what you are going through and I wish you peace.

May 24, 2013
lost WITH OUT MY SOUL MATE
by: DEBBIE

I lost my husband on jan 7 2013 ..i am so lost so empty ,lonley ...i snuggle every night with his pillow ..My husband was sitting with me age 57 and went to drs 2 weeks prior ...said he didnt feel good call 911 ,by the time they got here ,he was code blue ...our 14 year old grandson that we raised ...was doing cpr and trying to save him ...My husband worked with me for 30 years and drove me bk and forth ,never did i do any bills or use a credit card nor did i even know how to use a debit card ...i have been home from work i was very depressed ...I am recieving grief counciling and trying to take baby steps to improve each and every day ...i pray alot ....My husbands mother said she will never talk to me ever in her life time and walked out of my life ..god will take me thru this also ..

May 11, 2013
lost
by: Anonymous

My husband of almost 46 years passed away 2 months ago from lung cancer. It had spread when he got diagnosed to his brain which was causing him to lose some of his vision. He only lived 7 weeks from the time he was diagnosed. It was so fast I still havent wrapped my head around it. We had been together since we were 16. We have two girls, grown, and 5 grandchildren and one great granddaughter That I love dearly and yet ive never felt so alone. Im 65 and part of me feels like a lost scared child. I miss him so bad I can hardly stand it. The nights and early in the morning are the worst. I know that God has gotten me thru these months. Thank God for my Church family too. I have friends that have lost their spouse 12 years ago and longer and they say it doesnt ever get easier really. I guess Ill miss him until I die and see him in heaven one day. God bless you all and I pray for all of us.

Apr 20, 2013
It's been 20 months
by: Bonnie

It has been 20 months since my husband of 44 years passed away from leukemia. I know the grief will never go away, but I thought I would be better by now. I am not! I know that everyone in the world has lost someone they love and that some didn't get 44 years of marriage or time with their loved ones. I am so selfish that I think I feel worse about this that anyone ever could. The grief comes in waves and I am at a real low point. I pray for strength and pray my husband will send me a sign to keep me going until I can join him again.

Apr 04, 2013
The Loss Of My Love
by: Darlinda

I Lost my husband (Jerry) February 21, 2011. The pain and grieving is hard to this day. We met at 13, went to school with one another...and fell in Love. Married him when I was seventeen. Married 42 years and then he gets pancreatic cancer and passes 3 weeks later. It was so fast I had hardly time to think. I Thank God, but do I mean it, I would rather have him here with me. The emotions of anger, at God, at Jerry for leaving me and the pure loneliness of sleeping alone after 42 years. In my eyes I am still married, he is just waiting on the other side for me.

Mar 20, 2013
It doesn't get better
by: Kay

Eleven days ago the love of my life (55years),my best friend lost his battle with dementia. I think as time has passed, it seems harder to deal with. He was in a care facility for 6 months (I took care of him for 6 years) and I did little to deal with his clothes. His drawers are still full of junk, closet has clothes and shoes, garage has medical equipment, old glasses, hearing aids. I am afraid if let it go, he will go. I know this is not rationale. I am dreading opening each sympathy card, yet so many have heartwarming notes, they all remind me he is gone in body. My heart has a hole. I have groups to get back to, quilts to finish, and other things that have been on hold. I am not as strong as I used to be. I had been journaling,volunteering, etc. Just not me any more. I just ramble some days.

Feb 02, 2013
lost
by: nan

I lost my husband on november 25th 2012 .We were married 48 years.I have read all your coments and all I do is cry because you all feel the same way I do.I cannot write much,so maybe mext time. god bless you all.

Oct 30, 2012
I want him bck
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago and I'm in so much pain it takes all my will to breath. We have three young children and his death was sudden. I'm lost without him. I know that we will be fine, I have amazing friends and my husbands family is very supportive. I just want him back.
Please send you prayers out for us.

Oct 17, 2012
Recent Loss
by: "linda"

I lost my husband in july and seem so alone as we were together over 38 years,since I was 16.I came home from work and found him.We did everything together.He passed at 56 years old-? heart attack.I feel at this time I can never get over this tragedy.

Aug 22, 2012
Loss of Husband
by: Kelly Wetzel

I lost my husband October 2010, 2 days after our only son got married. It was so unexpected, he was only 48 years old. I don't think I can ever accept it. We were together for 28 years and had celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in April 2010. I miss him everyday, some days I feel so lost and broken. I am so sorry for all your losses.

Aug 14, 2012
Loss of husband
by: Mari

I meant to say it would be 3 yrs in Nov and I put 4.
Tina your loss is quite recent and I know it is especially hard for you right now. We are here for you.
In due time you will find yourself wanting to do more. Remember that God is always with you and understands how you feel.
As for me I still my miss husband but am coming along.I have my job and my family. My grandchildren still miss him and my parents miss him. I think of him often.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted on how you are doing. I have had a lot of memories to deal with. I well remember driving from one of my ROP classes and it occurred me to press onstar and let my husband know where I was. I always did this and the thought was fleeting.Those kinds of things can happen. I suppose I will always miss him but the pain eases with time.

Aug 14, 2012
Loss of husband
by: Mari

I am truly sorry for your loss, all of you who have posted. Some of the losses are quite recent. I can tell you that it takes time to get through these things.
We have loved and taken care of sick spouses and it leaves us with no where to turn. We spent years with them and they were a part of us.
I am on my third year and the anniversary is Nov 22.It will be 4 years.
I am much better but still miss him and the grand children miss him. I feel comforted that I had a dream of heaven and he was there and Jesus standing there. I do not think we have those kinds of dreams for no reason.
Anyway just ake things a day at a time. There will be sad times and good times. Remember God is with us every minute and we can make it through.

May 01, 2012
Broken
by: Tracy

I lost my best friend and husband, Tom, 2 weeks ago, but it feels like an eternity since I was last able to see or touch him. We had been together for 28 years, since I was 16. I have never been on my own and this is very scary for me. He lost a very short 8 week battle with cancer. We spent all our time before and during his illness together, he did so much for me. We have 2 grown children to help me, but just not the same. I already feel so out of place around others. They all have that other person, and then there is me. I have put pictures of him up everywhere so I can always see his face, and wear a necklace with his ashes in it every day. I worry every day about how I will face even every day things. Haven't even made it back to work, just going out in public is hard. I know this will be a long road, but hoping by keeping my faith, and keeping family and friends close I can make it though a little easier.

Mar 19, 2012
loss of husband
by: Mari

My heart goes out to all who have lost their husbands. They are with the Lord and we are here to carry on as best as we can. My husband passed away on Nov 22nt 2009. I still miss him but have faith I will see him again.
God has sure stood by me. He has provided. He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider. Not only comfort but in many ways.
When the weather changes I miss him. When I come home to an empty house I miss him. But God compensates. I have a little great granddaughter who is one yr old.I have 18 other grandchildren and my mom who is 85 so it is 5 generations now.
To all of you who are in grief I encourage you to stay close to the Lord. He is always there for you. And we are here for you too on this wonderful board. Take care. Mari

Mar 18, 2012
My husband is gone, but I will see him again.
by: Anonymous

I loss my husband suddenly Jan. 2011 of a heart attack. I came home found him lying on the floor next to the computer. I'm sure he was planning our next trip! My husband and I did everything together. We were best friends. It's been over a year seems like yesterday. I miss him so much!!! I've been missing alot of work...I wish I could stop working all together..I'm not a lazy person as a matter of fact lazy is far from who I am. Lord please continue to help me through this time in my life.. My best friend is gone, I have to do everything by myself..it's just alot Lord..I believe one day we will meet again..can't wait until that day :)

Mar 04, 2012
missing him
by: Anonymous

My husband died of a heart attack in Jan 2012. I am lost without him. I know life goes on. We have a 14 year old daughter and she keeps me busy. It is so hard to see people laughing and enjoying there families when I am dying inside. Your friends don't know what to say and eventually stop coming around. You do find out who your true friends are during difficult times.
When your spouse dies suddenly it is easy to have regrets- why did I say the things I said or why didn't I say things, did he know how much I loved him? these thoughts run through your mind daily. I am coming to realize that I can't change what has happened and know that he is in heaven. But, I am left here to raise our daughter and have to find a way to keep going. The bills have to be paid the yard has to be mowed and life keeps going. Everywhere I look in the house brings back memories of him..good and bad. There are days I don't think I can stay in this house, then realize I could never leave.
Faith in God keeps me going knowing one day I will see him again. Love and Miss you SHB

Sep 16, 2011
Loss Of A Husband
by: carol vicente

I lost my husband on 5-17-11 and it"s so hard for me i have four girls and i don"t know to start anything in my life....we were married 13 years... and if any body knows the road i need to go in god"s name i need heelp...my e-mail is jesussaidforevervicente@yahoo.com...

Jun 08, 2011
lost
by: Tina

My husband passed away in April and I can't seem to get past the notion that I am alone. I have the added extra stress that I am in a foreign country by myself. I am looking at pictures of us together. He battled cancer for two years and I tended to him for that time and I couldn't do anything else but think of him. He was a warrior during that time and didn't fear death. My bad days and good days seem to fuse together. Lately, I can't eat first thing in the morning like I used to. My son is visiting and will leave soon and I dread that day.

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