Loss of my best friend

by Broken Amazon

I met my absolute best friend when I was already engaged to someone else and fell in love with him almost right away. He was in love with me as well but we didn't want to hurt our significant others and we thought we could handle just being friends. We have been through every major event in our lives together since then. 2 years ago, he stopped speaking to me suddenly for a year. Eventually, we started speaking again and he said he was afraid he was taking my husband's place emotionally and didn't want us to be as close as we once were so we tried to be a little less close but then,this year he survived a terrible car crash and we realised just how close we came to losing each other forevver. We became as close as we had once been and then, one day, he sent a friend to me with a message that he wanted to move on from me. We haven't spoken since. I feel he has left me twice and if I have any sense, I should just focus on my family. Everyone agrees this makes sense but I miss my friend terribly. I long to see him but I'm afraid that I will be in love with him all over again only to be rejected. It hurts to imagine that I meant so little that I could be so easily forgotten. But this conflicts with the way it was. So sometimes I'm angry and sometimes depressed and I feel so alone because anyone who hears it would judge me for loving him this much when I'm happily married so I grieve in secret. It's been two months and the pain is eating me up. I wish I could recover and forget everything we ever said or were.

Comments for Loss of my best friend

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Oct 17, 2012
Doreen's reply
by: Broken Amazon

I really appreciated Doreen's reply. It put everything in perspective for me and I must tell you that since that day, I have not cried, or felt sad. I feel like her words instantly spoke to me but I didn't know I could reply to her reply. Thank you so much.

Oct 17, 2012
A best Friend Always seeks the highest good of the other by a better friend than you've been to yourself
by: Doreen

I found this reply to be quite bizarre. Perhaps the person should not have posted her story in the way she did to warrant a totally honest reply.
I am glad you think you have been a better friend than I have been to myself.
You don't know me like you think you do.
But since this reply was taken the wrong way. I will delete this and ignore your reply.
This site is not structured for BATTLES. But SUPPORT. Good bye.

Oct 16, 2012
A best friend always seeks the highest good of the other
by: A better friend than you've been to yourself

The sympathetic advice given by the woman from the U.K. is deeply flawed.. but not for the outcome of its conclusion, i.e., that you should do the right thing for the true love that's actually in your life NOW. It's flawed because the mode of thinking has as the reference point a gross sense of self-indulgence and narcissism. Starting points such as these are foundations in sand and when the internal psycho-emotive winds blow, the self-indulgent are the ones without integrity. This, I believe, is the source of your "grief." A house (or a heart) divided will not stand. You suffer because you've allowed your heart to be divided; you've allowed an illegitimate desire poison your ability to give your whole heart to a husband who apparently has given all of himself to you! Sadly and pathetically, this phantom love is merely the hell spawn of your mutual self-indulgent imaginations. As "sweet" as the feelings and imaginings about him may be, they are lies which will undermine and further divide and wound not only your own soul, but the souls of your husband and children as well. Mark my words, indulging in them you'll only bring a foretaste of hell into this world. Sadly, too, for your loving husband, this "phantom lover" has thus far been a "third wheel" in your spousal relationship. Contrary to Doreen's advice, at this point he is the one at least trying to be the adult and demonstrate some measure of integrity by severing all communication. By all indications, your husband is a truly amazing man because he probably sensed something amiss in you from the time you became engaged! It doesn't sound like he discerned it enough to use the term "duplicity" in describing your feelings for him. But then, chronically duplicitous people are typically very deceptive and manipulative with themselves and others. However, to your husband's great credit he honored his own heart by honoring the commitment he made to you and now your family. What to do?.. you can BE the treasure that your husband knows you to be ONLY when you honor yourself by routing out of your heart this "phantom lover", and then reciprocate the long suffering single-hearted love of your husband. With time and practice the lies you've seduced yourself to believe will dissipate and evaporate as the flatulent they are. And what is this but just another way of restating the age old advice that remains forever relevant and vital: repent. Repent from what you've allowed into your heart and mind that truly is diabolic. Did you know that "diabolic" means to divide? Actually, I prefer the term "splintering" for the notion of breaking apart as well as the imagery and association of sharp seemingly innocuous "little" things that end up causing great pain. You have before you light and darkness, life and happiness, or self-imposed suffering and death... choose life and peace!

Oct 01, 2012
Loss of my best friend
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Broken, You took a risk. You were engaged to someone when another man came on the scene and stole your heart from your then Fiance. Of course it would be exciting. You had 2 men interested in you. You were like a bee in a honey trap. You went for the honey. Wouldn't any bee do this. Only in reality. You were unfaithfull to your then Fiance who You LOVE. It is a difficult place to be with high emotions and feelings that explode inside you. Stop for one minute and analyse the situation. What if your husband was the one in your place and he had a woman who he loved and stole time with. You had to share his heart and time? What then? Write down every conceivable feeling you have Good or Bad. All the reasons you want this man who treats you like a thing on the side to please him. To take up with you and finish with you when he wants without considering your feelings. TRUTH. This is what is happening. We can all make mistakes. But we all have the chance to do the right thing and walk away. Here is a man who sends a friend to tell you he wants to move on from you.(Couldn't he do it himself?) You don't speak for one year. He says it was because he felt he was taking your husband's place emotionally. DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THIS STATEMENT??. This man has shown no INTEGRITY. If he really loved you. You would be together and you would be divorced from your husband. But divorced from a man WHO LOVES YOU. This man you love from a distance is SECRETIVE. He has no substance. He wants to move on from you. THEN WHY DOESN'T HE DO IT AND LEAVE YOU ALONE to live with the man who is your husband and Loves you. You are a Happy Family. Why give it up. The sooner you get this man out of your head the better. Go see a counsellor if it helps get this man out of your head and heart. If you take this man over your husband you will probably live to regret it. There is no STABILITY with him. So he nearly died. this is not a reason to feel he was saved for you. He just got lucky. Write all your feelings on this paper. Then put it in a shredder and move on with your Life with your Husband. Learn from this. You have been given a lifeline. USE IT. Not many people get a second chance. Forgive me If I have sounded harsh. "Faithfull are the wounds of a friend."

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