Loss of my ex-husband
I lost my ex-husband twice. The first time when I divorced him 3 years ago. And again when he died 1-14-11. I rushed through the divorce and was so angry with him for his narcissistic behavior. The anger drove me, I could not be stopped. Anger can drive you to do things that you regret later. I loved him so much, but he didn't have empathy for me on certain levels.
It broke up our marriage, because he would not validate my feelings, just told me I shouldn't feel that way. Our main issue was that he was retired and I still had to work. He didn't have much of a pension, so I was supporting his retirement with lots of traveling and adventure for him, but not me. Anyway, I wanted to be with him so much and it didn't seem anything I did would change the situation. I chose not to see him after divorce, because I knew him well enough to know that I was the one who was still in love with him. I couldn't stand to see him going off and enjoying himself and maybe take up with another woman. After all that's what broke up our marriage to begin with.......him going off and enjoying himself and leaving me behind. So for over 3 years, I have not talked to him.
Then the call comes in January from his brother. He had suddenly died in his sleep at 62 of heart disease. AND, he had been living with another woman for the last two years.
Suddenly, my whole world turned upside down. I had not allowed myself to think of all the positives between us and there were many wonderful times and years. I did feel very close to him and I know that I knew him better than any other person in this world. He revealed much to me. He always thought that he would die young, because his father had. He wouldn't go to the DR for much of the time I knew him, even though he had been on heart medications. He took himself off one of them and we argued about it about 7 years ago. I wonder now if he knew how sick he was and just chose to ignore it? He was a dare devil to some extent. I suddenly felt like I had somehow let him down. Why did I give him such a bad time about maybe getting some kind of part time job to support the sail boat we owned and which consumed so much of our income? It was a huge issue between us and I suddenly felt guilty since he had so little time to live. Why couldn't I have been more understanding and just worked a bit harder at making things work? A thousand questions as to why I couldn't have been kinder to him and accepted him for who he was. I did love him, but felt for self survival, I couldn't live with his behavior at the time. And I had missed him from the time I divorced him. I have dated a bit, but not had any relationships, because I just couldn't find anyone who I was interested in like I was interested in him. So for the last three years, I have pining away for him on several levels AND being angry with him for what he had done to me. Such a mixed venue of feelings have consumed me. To know that I will never be able to resolve any of the problems between us is heart breaking. And I am so jealous of the other woman who he was with. Did he think about me? Did he regret what he had done or did he think he was the victim? MANY questions I will NEVER know the answer to........
It hurts on SO many levels.......