Loss of my ex-husband

by Marla
(Evanston, Il)

I lost my ex-husband twice. The first time when I divorced him 3 years ago. And again when he died 1-14-11. I rushed through the divorce and was so angry with him for his narcissistic behavior. The anger drove me, I could not be stopped. Anger can drive you to do things that you regret later. I loved him so much, but he didn't have empathy for me on certain levels.
It broke up our marriage, because he would not validate my feelings, just told me I shouldn't feel that way. Our main issue was that he was retired and I still had to work. He didn't have much of a pension, so I was supporting his retirement with lots of traveling and adventure for him, but not me. Anyway, I wanted to be with him so much and it didn't seem anything I did would change the situation. I chose not to see him after divorce, because I knew him well enough to know that I was the one who was still in love with him. I couldn't stand to see him going off and enjoying himself and maybe take up with another woman. After all that's what broke up our marriage to begin with.......him going off and enjoying himself and leaving me behind. So for over 3 years, I have not talked to him.
Then the call comes in January from his brother. He had suddenly died in his sleep at 62 of heart disease. AND, he had been living with another woman for the last two years.
Suddenly, my whole world turned upside down. I had not allowed myself to think of all the positives between us and there were many wonderful times and years. I did feel very close to him and I know that I knew him better than any other person in this world. He revealed much to me. He always thought that he would die young, because his father had. He wouldn't go to the DR for much of the time I knew him, even though he had been on heart medications. He took himself off one of them and we argued about it about 7 years ago. I wonder now if he knew how sick he was and just chose to ignore it? He was a dare devil to some extent. I suddenly felt like I had somehow let him down. Why did I give him such a bad time about maybe getting some kind of part time job to support the sail boat we owned and which consumed so much of our income? It was a huge issue between us and I suddenly felt guilty since he had so little time to live. Why couldn't I have been more understanding and just worked a bit harder at making things work? A thousand questions as to why I couldn't have been kinder to him and accepted him for who he was. I did love him, but felt for self survival, I couldn't live with his behavior at the time. And I had missed him from the time I divorced him. I have dated a bit, but not had any relationships, because I just couldn't find anyone who I was interested in like I was interested in him. So for the last three years, I have pining away for him on several levels AND being angry with him for what he had done to me. Such a mixed venue of feelings have consumed me. To know that I will never be able to resolve any of the problems between us is heart breaking. And I am so jealous of the other woman who he was with. Did he think about me? Did he regret what he had done or did he think he was the victim? MANY questions I will NEVER know the answer to........
It hurts on SO many levels.......

Comments for Loss of my ex-husband

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Sep 20, 2012
deal?
by: Anonymous

try having your baby daddy murdered in the first 8 days oF bein there, with 3 kids 4 months 3 yrs and 9 years,,, WE HAD A DEAL! YOU ARE TAKIN YOUR ANGER OUT ON A NATURAL CAUSE??????????? how could you'!

Mar 15, 2011
I just lost my ex husband too
by: Melanie

I dont even know where to begin, he was in prison, with a mandatory four year sentence, he was due to be released sep. 4 2012. And Wednesday i stop over to check in with my kids, find them solemn and depressed. The prison called and asked if and when dads heart stops do we want him resuscitated? WTF? Friday nite my son and his granny make the 2 hour car ride down to the prison, the warden had called and said if they wanted to say good-bye to come now, my daughters, the daughters he had raised from 18months old and 13 days old, well those two aren't technically his, so they weren't allowed to go. Saturday morning March 12, 2011 @ 7:10 am he passed. Are you kiddin me. I'm soooo confused and angry. We are divorced yes, but we had a deal, he wasn't supposed to go yet, we don't have grandkids yet, he has two daughters to walk down the aisle, we had a deal... Now what do I do? From Wednesday when the prison 1st called, i was doing everything i could to get them to let him come home to die, we had a deal. Does anyone hear me? this wasn't supposed to happen, we had a deal!!!!

Mar 06, 2011
Loss of your x
by: M Mack

Maria,

I wish we could all go back in years to fix everything we did and said when they were alive. Unfortunately, it's too late for fixing and now we are stuck with guilt, sadness and regret. Our emotions take hold and drive us in many directions. Try not to blame yourself for everything that happened. Don't forget that you are a human being who is not perfect and neither was he. You had your reasons and it sounds like you just wanted your relationship to be fair. He felt entitled to more and I can understand your frustration. The other women never took your place and never could carry the torch to you. You had a bond with him and I'm sure he had a lot of regret. Many men have a problem with pride but deep down in the soul......they know better. My prayers to you and hope you can gain some consolation knowing you are not alone here. Take care of yourself.

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