Loss of my father and my marriage..
My father was very ill and dying last year. He suffered from end stage congestive heart failure, strokes, blood clots, low blood pressure, an arrhythmia and dementia. My sisters were unable to care for him and so we had a family meeting. My husband offered to have him come to live at our home for the end of his life. At the time we asked him if he was sure and he assumed me and the rest of my family that he had thought long and hard about it and it was the least that he could do for someone who had given him so much.
We rearranged our home and my father moved from Ohio to Oregon in April. He was immediately hospitalized for his heart condition and then went to rehabilitation. He came to our house on 10/30/13 and stayed until his death on 2/13/14. He had great support and love here. I cared for him 12 hours a day and had a caregiver to help me for the other 12 hours. My father faded daily over those 3 1/2 months but he had a sweet and lovely end of life, enjoying good food, his dog, my son and his friends and his beloved hummingbirds and garden outside. I live on a walking path and people waved to him when he sat on the porch. His quality of life was as I would hope for myself when the time comes. He died peacefully in his sleep in bed without struggle. I was sleeping at his side, my head on his shoulder.
On 1/22/13 I discovered that my husband was having an affair. This came as a huge shock. I asked him to end it and be honest with me going forward. He stayed for two weeks but I discovered that the affair and contact were continuing. I hid all this drama from my father and son who had no idea. However, I asked my husband to leave. We made up a story that he was leaving town for work. He said that he had ended the affair and was going to work on our marriage.
2/12/13 was our 10th wedding anniversary. We had been together for 16 years. On that morning my husband told me on the phone that he was not in love with me and that he didn't think that he could be faithful to me. My father had taken a bad turn about a week earlier and was unable to breathe at night. That afternoon I signed the hospice papers to start hospice care the following day. My father died in his sleep at 4 am that night. My 12 year old son and I were home alone with him.
My husband came home "from New York" later that day. Two days later while at storage looking for my father's will and for pictures for the funeral reception we were planning, I discovered evidence of a Valentines Day date in his truck, complete with erotic massage oil candle, hearts wrapped cookies and a receipt for a hotel for a week. He had told me that while he was gone he was staying with his friend Joe.
The next day I discovered that he joined a sex meet up site on the day before, right after we had returned from storage where I discovered his deception about the hotel and evidence of the continued affair. Since then I have found evidence of various sex sites and credit card charges.
We all went out of town the funeral and buried my father. The funeral and reception were beautiful and it was such a comfort and blessing to see my family. I haven't told them anything about my marital problems.
We are in therapy and I am on Xanax to keep from falling apart. I am mostly numb but cry a lot . I have had some terrible outbursts at my husband and am traumatized by his lies mostly. He continues to lie, I think, as he is unwilling to admit any more than I actually have physical proof of. So I am assuming this is the tip of the iceberg. He is very remorseful sometimes and very callous at other times. He has taken a job out of town for 4 months which is somewhat upsetting and a relief too. He claims we will work on the marriage in therapy long distance. But I suspect he is running away because I will find out more and also to continue his double life ..
I don't know why any of this is happening. I feel like a tsunami and come and washed away and turned over what was my whole life. I can't function and am paralyzed ..I can't seem to do anything and get lost driving to the store. I am in shock still but also a lot of pain which gets worse every day. I am so sad and miss my Dad. I feel guilty and hope that he didn't at all sense what was happening. He seemed so sweet and happy even during his last week. I don't think he had any idea but I will never know.
I was looking online and found all kinds of grief support, but was actually most interested in the stories on this site. I find hope in others' struggles and stories of strength and reading about lives and people changed by life's biggest challenges. It's not so much that misery loves company but rather that I would rather share my grief and connect with those who have their own story and a need for connection. Maybe I can find strength and depth that will make me a better person.