Loss of my father and my marriage..

by Debbie

My father was very ill and dying last year. He suffered from end stage congestive heart failure, strokes, blood clots, low blood pressure, an arrhythmia and dementia. My sisters were unable to care for him and so we had a family meeting. My husband offered to have him come to live at our home for the end of his life. At the time we asked him if he was sure and he assumed me and the rest of my family that he had thought long and hard about it and it was the least that he could do for someone who had given him so much.

We rearranged our home and my father moved from Ohio to Oregon in April. He was immediately hospitalized for his heart condition and then went to rehabilitation. He came to our house on 10/30/13 and stayed until his death on 2/13/14. He had great support and love here. I cared for him 12 hours a day and had a caregiver to help me for the other 12 hours. My father faded daily over those 3 1/2 months but he had a sweet and lovely end of life, enjoying good food, his dog, my son and his friends and his beloved hummingbirds and garden outside. I live on a walking path and people waved to him when he sat on the porch. His quality of life was as I would hope for myself when the time comes. He died peacefully in his sleep in bed without struggle. I was sleeping at his side, my head on his shoulder.

On 1/22/13 I discovered that my husband was having an affair. This came as a huge shock. I asked him to end it and be honest with me going forward. He stayed for two weeks but I discovered that the affair and contact were continuing. I hid all this drama from my father and son who had no idea. However, I asked my husband to leave. We made up a story that he was leaving town for work. He said that he had ended the affair and was going to work on our marriage.

2/12/13 was our 10th wedding anniversary. We had been together for 16 years. On that morning my husband told me on the phone that he was not in love with me and that he didn't think that he could be faithful to me. My father had taken a bad turn about a week earlier and was unable to breathe at night. That afternoon I signed the hospice papers to start hospice care the following day. My father died in his sleep at 4 am that night. My 12 year old son and I were home alone with him.

My husband came home "from New York" later that day. Two days later while at storage looking for my father's will and for pictures for the funeral reception we were planning, I discovered evidence of a Valentines Day date in his truck, complete with erotic massage oil candle, hearts wrapped cookies and a receipt for a hotel for a week. He had told me that while he was gone he was staying with his friend Joe.

The next day I discovered that he joined a sex meet up site on the day before, right after we had returned from storage where I discovered his deception about the hotel and evidence of the continued affair. Since then I have found evidence of various sex sites and credit card charges.

We all went out of town the funeral and buried my father. The funeral and reception were beautiful and it was such a comfort and blessing to see my family. I haven't told them anything about my marital problems.

We are in therapy and I am on Xanax to keep from falling apart. I am mostly numb but cry a lot . I have had some terrible outbursts at my husband and am traumatized by his lies mostly. He continues to lie, I think, as he is unwilling to admit any more than I actually have physical proof of. So I am assuming this is the tip of the iceberg. He is very remorseful sometimes and very callous at other times. He has taken a job out of town for 4 months which is somewhat upsetting and a relief too. He claims we will work on the marriage in therapy long distance. But I suspect he is running away because I will find out more and also to continue his double life ..

I don't know why any of this is happening. I feel like a tsunami and come and washed away and turned over what was my whole life. I can't function and am paralyzed ..I can't seem to do anything and get lost driving to the store. I am in shock still but also a lot of pain which gets worse every day. I am so sad and miss my Dad. I feel guilty and hope that he didn't at all sense what was happening. He seemed so sweet and happy even during his last week. I don't think he had any idea but I will never know.

I was looking online and found all kinds of grief support, but was actually most interested in the stories on this site. I find hope in others' struggles and stories of strength and reading about lives and people changed by life's biggest challenges. It's not so much that misery loves company but rather that I would rather share my grief and connect with those who have their own story and a need for connection. Maybe I can find strength and depth that will make me a better person.

Comments for Loss of my father and my marriage..

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Feb 28, 2014
Loss of my father and my marriage....
by: Doreen UK

Debbie I have to applaud you for the exceptional care you gave your father before he died. Just to take him in and care for him 12hrs. a day must have been such a strain even if you were alternating with the care service. You allowed him to have his home comforts around him and allow life to be as normal as possible.
I don't know why everything seems to come at the same time and as you say feel like a tsunami has come into your life.
Whilst my husband was dying of cancer I nursed him for 3yrs.39days with a horrendous cancer. My youngest sister Nora got Power of Attorney to care for our father who had dementia. My other sister Winnie was pushed out. Nora bullied Winnie. She must have been happy I was caring for my husband. She took All our Dad's money he left for us 6 siblings. Nora has been evasive and shut us out. I just asked her what Dad's assets were. She sent me a nasty email and told me if I want to know I can get a solicitor. I was nieve. I trusted her and didn't listen to Winnie. Now we have walked away. I won't tolerate her disrespect. Nora has taken the rest of Dad's money and put it into an Independent saving account in her name for 5yrs. She said she is not giving us anything. Winnie phones the care home our father is in and he is doing well his Dementia is not as bad as Nora made out. She had a plan to steal our Dad's money. All we wanted was for our dad to be cared for by his own children with all his home comforts around him. I know I could have done it but Nora wouldn't let me saying it would be too much for me. She felt she would have had to give the money back. To me it is not about the money. It is like what you did for your dad. I had to walk away. I have lost my husband and grieving and I don't want another war to deal with.
Then a relative does some work on our property. I trusted him and he stole most of my husband's tools and personal items given to me. My husband's 2 ladders have also been stolen. I am angry but I have no motivation to challenge this and have to let it go. Other problems intrude. But I can't deal with now. But what you are dealing with is a BIG ONE. Don't blame yourself for what has happened with your husband. Let him carry his own responsibility. Don't look for failings in yourself. Get good support for yourself. Choose carefully how you share your marital difficulties with your family, and what you share. Remember your boundaries are there to protect you. I did the therapy bit and was the best investment I made. You can do it. You will get your life back. Keep Hope alive. Write back if you need more support.

Feb 28, 2014
Loss of my father and my marriage...
by: Doreen UK

Dear Debbie I am so sorry for your loss of your father and also for the hard time your husband is giving you.
Once a man goes into this realm of Sex experimentation it somehow causes an addiction that your husband even with the best of intentions may not be able to kick the habit. Be aware of this so that your are not wasting your time doing all the work in therapy and he does nothing because he is working away.
It is possible to do the therapy bit yourself. I DID IT. I grieved my many losses in my 40's and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have healed in many places and I only grieve now for my husband of 44yrs. who I lost 21 months ago to cancer. You are in a very difficult place right now and it will feel as if your life has been turned upside down and inside out and you don't know which way to go. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't focus on too much. Don't blame yourself for failings. This is what happens when a man cheats on his wife. She starts looking for failings in herself and her husband is happy to let her take the responsibility. FOCUS ON YOU. Do everything you can to grieve the loss of your father, and then your loss of your husband to infidelity. It is true when one is facing illness which leads to death you also have other problems surface adding to your already grief and makes the pain more unbearable and twice as hard. Separate the two losses. You will then be able to see clearly what you have to do and how you move forward. DON'T GIVE UP.! Be careful what you choose to share with your family. Families can have a way of turning on you when you are already down. I have had this problem. I will have to end now due to space and continue Part 2.

Feb 27, 2014
Loss and renewal
by: Judith in California

Dear Debbie, I'm sorry for your loss of your father. It's very hard to to be a caregiver and watch as a loved one goes from full of life to death. You have to have character and strength to do that.

Your story of your husband proves what I keep telling people and that is that we never know anyone 100%. Even those who claim to love us. We only know a much as they are willing to tell us and show us.

I hope you know you are stronger than you realize and don't need to take Xanax to deal with this husband issue. So please stop taking it. God will help see you through this. You only need to look up and ask.

The reason this is happening is because your future ex-huband has no moral character. He is a narcissist and selfish. He turned your marriage vows into a joke and made himself a liar. It really is a shame that some men can't think past their anatomy and not rty to deal with any issues within thier marrige insted of thinking they will find answeres outside of it. Once in a while some of them find out they were the problem in their marriage, not their wives. Then they try to return only to find out it is too late bcause thier wives smartened up.

You will get through this as thousands of us before you have. Yes, You will.

Take care of you.

Feb 27, 2014
Sorry for your two big losses
by: Anonymous

Your story really touched my heart, I had to comment. I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. You sound like a very unselfish person to keep that all to yourself, I really hope you continue to see someone in therapy to keep sharing your grief. As you speak it, it will continue to get better and better for you. God is close to the broken hearted. He sees your pain. He is collecting every one of your tears. He will avenge for your pain. He loves you so much. May God bless you and if at all possible hopefully your marriage can be saved but if not, that is one reason that is listed in the bible that you are free to go if your husband has cheated on you and is not changing his ways. Praying for you...

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