Loss of my husband and soul-mate

by Mischelle
(Fountain City, WI)

Salmon Fishing Lake Michigan

Salmon Fishing Lake Michigan

I lost my husband Bill to a terrible work-related accident on Jan 3, 2011. 24 days shy of our 10 year wedding anniversary where we already had a trip planned to the Florida Keys. For the first couple of weeks I could not learn much of his death as I did not want to know if he suffered any pain or know that he knew he was going to die. Today I have found differently. The shock has now warn off and I can't stop crying. I tried to go back to work, but now can't function there either because its all I think about. This was my soul-mate, I knew the minute this happened because something changed in my soul and body. I have not been the same since. Since last Friday, I can't stop crying. I know that it upsets my co-workers and they understand what I am trying to deal with, but I just need the time away to regain my composure again. Waking up this morning, all I did was cry again. This hurt is beyond anything in this life I would ever have imagined. I have been reading a lot of books, but nothing has helped so far. The first couple of weeks I could feel him in our home, and now I don't feel his presence at all and that bothers me too. Being with someone for 15 years and the to have them ripped away from you just before a 10 year wedding milestone is heart-wrenching. I feel selfish. How do I go on from here?

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Dec 19, 2014
Missing my loved one
by: appsphyl

Like all of you, I lost my husband 2 years and 4 months ago. He had never been sick a day in his life. He felt bad on Sunday, around 3 in the afternoon, he asked me to come sit by him. He started praying, and heavy breathing, I called 911, and when they pulled in the driveway, I told him to hold on, help was here, he looked at me and said "I love you" and died. He had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine that put extra pressure on his heart and his heart just gave out. I, too, am still grieving, but have learned to go on with life. That is what Bill would have wanted. It is really bad during the holidays, especially, Christmas, as that with Easter was Bill's favorite holidays. But, I have to put my trust in the Lord and try to carry on and do what I feel Bill and God wants me to do. For some reason I was left and Bill is gone and I feel there is a purpose for me to still be here. I don't know what it is and may never know, but I do know that one day I will be with my wonderful husband again for eternity. That is what we all must look to and remember our memories of our lives together. May all have a Merry Christmas and know we are in God's hands and our loved ones are in a better place. Love and Peace to all. Phyllis

Dec 18, 2014
I HATE CHRISTMAS TOO
by: Anonymous

HE'S GONE, I'M ALONE, FEEL DEPRESSED, NERVOUS AND SAD WITHOUT HIM HE WAS MY LIFE, MY LIFE IS VIRTULLY OVER WITHOUT HIM. THE BEST OF THE BEST.
HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND ME.

WISH I WERE DEAD TOO. ANONYMOUS FOREVER ALONE

WHY DON'T WIDOWS/WIDOWERS WRITE HERE ANY MORE??
----------------------------

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Sep 14, 2014
To Anonymous
by: Cici

I too lost my soulmate of 20 years. He was only 42 and had a heart attack he survived 2 days and I never left his side. He never woke up and I never had the chance to say I love you one more time. I missed his last phone call and I will never forgive myself for that. It's been 185 days since he passed and I wake up and go to bed crying it still doesn't feel real. How can my best friend,soulmate,and love of my life be gone? He was so attractive,extremely confident ,and made me laugh everyday. I miss him so much. Every Sunday I pick up his mother and we bring fresh flowers to his mausoleum. I'm so lost without him and can't imagine a life without him. I will always love him and miss him. (luv u too forever sweetie).

Sep 08, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello to "Farewell Prince Charming" Listen 1st I would like to extend my condolences to you. I know you are just starting your grieving process, and I know this isn't going to be easy for you. I go by the "Lord is my Strength", but I notice you don't mention how he passed on, did he have an illness or was it something tragic, which I hope not, but anyways today is 9-8-14 and another month + marks exactly 2 yrs 6 months that my beloved husband passed on to better pastures. He died from CANCER - Lieukimia cancer in the blood. I know right now you are going through changes, you probably feel num, angtious, anxiety, angry, and all sorts of things are going through your head, but my advise is take it one day at a time, and mourn at your own pace. You will never be the same, but you will start a different journey, and this journey would be the hardest for you. I would start with HOPE, and that leads you to have faith, because that is the only way you will survive this. No I am not religious or anything like that. I am just spiritual being, whose husband was a very beautiful, loving, humble giving man, and his line of work was saving Life's even when he couldn't safe his, anyways you sound young, and it is sad when once our love one's are taken, but if you are strong with the Lord, and or just a strong being, you will be fine. You can take a look at my previous statements. I got to this site around January of 2013, but my husband passed away on 3-8-12 he was a Rehabilitation Counselor IV and that is what he did best especially for people who were not all there. His specialty was gangs, but I am telling you if anyone could save this troubled beings it was my husband Wayne, anyways I wish you the best and if you ever want to talk, just let me know. I haven't been in this site for a while, but I felt like writing today. and I hope by now your grief hasn't lessen, and I hope you are being kept busy on whatever journey GOD has plan for you. For now GOD bless to all of you.

Sep 01, 2014
to:Anonymous
by: appsphyl

I just read your post on the loss of your husband. My husband died very suddenly 25 months ago on the 12th of this month. We were always together as we had both retired 4 years before he died. He had never been sick, autopsy showed he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine, which put extra pressure on his heart and it just gave out. He was only 58 and it still today seems like a dream. I still cry, get angry and ask why, but never get an answer. The only thing I can tell you, it is not easy, but you must go on with your life. I have to get out with my friends and go places and do things. College football was our favorite pastime, so as hard as it is, I still go to all the games of our school and the great friends there have been wonderful. I want you to know you will be in my thoughts and prayers and if you want my email address, just ask me for it. Take care of yourself and know people care and so does God. Let me hear from you. Sincerely, appsphyl

Aug 31, 2014
farwell prince charming
by: Anonymous

I just lost my soul mate a week ago. We had 11 wonderful years and were so happy. I'm so lost without him. We did everything together. Our love was pure and beautiful. We were planning on having children. He just turned 31. I don't know how to live without him when I lost myself. All I want to do is close my eyes and be with him. I love him so much!

Jun 14, 2014
To Tommy's Teresa
by: Elisa

Together we have grieved so deeply for our husbands we lost to cancer. Together we shared thoughts, you shared photos. Felt like I knew you, never met you.

So much in common, yet we live different lives.
Maybe I am unable to understand because I am alone most of the day, and you manage to keep busy, though you struggle through the pain of this tremendous loss, as I do.

Hope we find each other's friendship again.

Always cared, always will, Love, Elisa

Jun 14, 2014
To: Appsphyl
by: Elisa (Lisa) Hugo's Babe

Dear Friend, always there.

I know that you know that I understand what you are saying, and you understand me, and it's not stubbornness, it' that I do not have half the faith you have about the afterlife; I thought I did, but you know I somehow lost it or it's in me, but I don't want to believe anything any more.

You know all the reasons

Cry in the car, cry to anyone who allows me to speak about Hugo, and probably cry in my sleep because I get up so tense, then I remember, he is gone, and the emptiness, the deep sorrow sets in and washes over me like a strong wave in the ocean when it is angry --- a storm inside my heart, hurting, whirling, stinging me and never going away. No pill, nothing will un break my heart. I hate not seeing him, not being able to talk to him, and just hate this entire death thing so much that I could scream, and I do at times.

I'd be joking around, and probably Hugo would say, "You're writing on there again, what do you write about?" Miss him too much for words.

Love to all, Elisa (Lisa) Hugo's wife who hopes she will join him some day.

Jun 13, 2014
To: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

Dear Friend,

Just read your posts; yes, the site looks nice with the dogwood tree painting.

Sorry about Jesus in Mexico. Lord Be With Him.

You are of such strong faith--I tell you all the time when I write to you on this site. I'm glad you feel your husband's presence around you. I'm not sure I do, but when I'm in a mess, it seems Hugo gets me out of it somehow. And a lot has been happening around this house that he managed so well, and I am trying to deal with it all.
At first, I said, everything bad is happening, I needed a new well pump, part of the roof needed repair after our terrible snowy Winter, and all other things. But, then I said to myself, stop thinking it's happening because I am alone without him to take care of it all--no, the house will need repair or something regardless, it doesn't say, "Oh, I think I will break over here now because her husband is gone." It just is something to do, get used to and the next "catastrophe" will be handled a little easier.

I miss Hugo so much that I don't know how I make it through the days and nights. Some days I don't want to.

So thanks for encouraging all of us as usual.
God Bless, Elisa

Jun 13, 2014
to: Mo Anonymous
by: Elisa

Dear Mo Anonymous,

I visit this site a lot and have been writing about my sad feelings for a long time now.
July 29, 2014 with already been 2 years that my dear husband, Hugo, passed away, and yet, it feels like last night. He held on and tried to keep breathing and stay alive, for me, he was so worried about me. I told him a big lie -- I told him I'd be OK, and to go to God, to Mom & Dad (my parents), and right after that he stopped breathing. His battle with pancreatic cancer was over. I thought and he thought he could beat it, however, we both knew we were hoping and praying, but logically our mind told us the truth.

I miss him so much, there is not a second he is not on my mind, only when I sleep do I get away from the pain, the agony of missing him. And I only sleep maybe 2 or 3 hours a night.

I miss him everywhere; we did everything together, and I miss seeing him mowing the big lawn, fixing things. He always kept our home maintained, never let things go. I think about when we first met, then everything else, but then I chase the memories away because they are too painful because they will not be made any more.
Life has changed so much; andI feel as though a part of me died with him. I can't even describe the pain, sometimes, I am so sad that I feel why bother going on, without him, I have no joy no matter what. People want me to smile, to get out, to do this, to sell the house. I just can't do it now, but I have been taking care of things like he would want me to (or would he, maybe he doens't really care any more about what he left behind, but I know he still cares about me and loves me). There were days in the beginning I would wait for him to come home. I know that sounds like I am insane but it's what I would cling to, him surprising me and saying he was told by God to come home to me because I am alone and need him.

So, today is a really bad day, and the only thing I hold on to is the little bit of faith I have left--to see him again. He, too, died before he could retire and live out his dreams for us.

Love to all, Elisa

Jun 11, 2014
To: Hugo's Lisa, The Lord is my Shepherd and all who have lost their loved ones
by: appsphyl

Like my wonderful fiends, Lisa and The Lord is my Shepherd have said, it is a long lonely road after the death of a loved one. My husband, Bill, died 22 months ago tomorrow and it still seems like yesterday. We had so much fun together and where you saw one, you saw the other one. This past year has been worse than the first year as reality is really sitting in and I not only lost my husband, but also my best friend. Bill was the kindest, wonderful guy in the world and he had the patience of Job. I still ask why and still get angry and am hurt, but I know in my heart, I must go on. I know that one day Bill and I will be together again, just like all this site will be joined with their loved ones. I feel God took our loved ones for a purpose that we may never know why and why we were left. I know Bill is my guardian angel and will always be there to take care of me. I feel his presence with me and I know he is watching over me. We all will go on with life, but we have to adjust to a new way of living. It is not easy and it is very lonely. But we all must remember we will be with them one day and will never be apart again. Take care all and know God loves us and will take care of us.
Phyllis

Jun 10, 2014
To grace
by: Mo Anonymous

Good morning Grace...embrace the day. Embrace it with your sorrow and memories. I'm trying to separate anger from deep sorrow. I too feel cheated, well not for me alone , for Tom not having a retirement that he worked so hard for too. I've never thought of my emotions as anger...perhaps they were. I know I feel so sad for Tom's life being cut short before he enjoyed time for us to do all the things we dreamed of doing. My feelings are all with pain, deep heartache, sorrow, sadness, longing, yearning, joyless, agony, loss of security, loss of love being held, being listened to, being laughed at/with. All I miss so much. How do we get rid of wanting what we don't have? We want our husbands. We want them to see the sunshine, do the garden with us, chat, laugh, hug, just sit in silence being together. Oh it hurts, hurts hurts. It's sheer agony. We will get confused with our feelings. Perhaps I'm angry. I'd never thought that's how I felt! I know our lives will never be the same. We can't stop giving. We want to give our husband life...sheer enjoyment well deserved after life's work. We can't. We try to fathom it all out. We are alone now..not one together. Oh Grace I feel for you so much. Will life get brighter without the man we love. I can't imagine so! I try each day. Life is a gift. Love is a treasure. We have memories only. Yes calm your soul. Feel joy through the pain. I try. Let me know if you can! My thoughts are with you. mo

Jun 09, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

The site looks different, actually like the cover page, and the colors very serene. Anyways folks for Elisa, Appsphyl and new comers just wanted to share that on the 8th my husband has gone to better pastures, and for me it has been 2 yrs. & 3 months, but our loves ones will always live in our hearts. I know mine does, and actually he did come to let me know his presence too. He never fails me. I just got goose bumps to let me know he was around. Anyways folks I hope all of you are doing as best, and well as can be expected of us, and hoping your grieve will ease day by day. I am so blessed I am working right now, or else I know my head would be spinning, in just thinking of the sad moments towards the end, but I have my sad moments, and my good moments. The good ones of us when he was good and healthy, but GOD is Good. Well till next time. The Lord is my strength.

Jun 08, 2014
To: Mischelle - re: Bill - his picture on here
by: Elisa

Dear Mischelle,

Everytime I visit this web page, your husband's smile lightens a bit of my pain and sorrow. It is so difficult to believe this smiling man had that accident and is no longer here on Earth.
My husband had a sweet smile too, and I miss him so very much. That is why I write here a lot; I am still crying every day, and I know for sure I will never stop missing him and wanting him to come back home to me. It's been a nightmare, worse.

Just wanted to let you know I am betting other people look at your Bill's smile and see what a sweet man he was. And still is--just someplace else where smiles are all around.

Sincerely,
Elisa

Jun 08, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Elisa, Appsphyl, and new comers. Today or better yet tomorrow is the 8th of June, and every 8th of the month. I celebrate my husband's death, as sad, or good memories of him. So tomorrow will be exactly 2 yrs. 3 months that my beloved "Bubbas" has gone to better pastures. I know he is in peace, but us widows, and male widows as well probably fine it hard to fine peace in our self's right! Well I am finding myself missing him every time the 8th of the month comes, but I know he is watching over me, and is always with me, rather by scripture, or just a simple thought of him, and in my memories of memories I laugh, cry, and remember him always. I ask my husband to watch and pray over me at the thrown of GOD, and recently there has been to many deaths on both sides of my parents family as well. Like 5 days ago my uncle was not feeling so good, and my aunt Licha took him to hospital, well when she return the next day, they inform her, my uncle Jesus (Wuero) died suddenly, and well this happen in Juarez Mexico. I tell you we are here one day, and gone the next. Need to be grateful for the time we are here, because we just never know. I just want to let all of you know I am thinking of you, and just take one day at a time, because that is all we can do to nurture ourselves back to life, and reality. GOD bless. The Lord is my strength.

Jun 01, 2014
to: Grace
by: Elisa

Grace, you said everything with grace.

I climb up a little bit, then I fall backwards; my emotions go from anger, to sadness to anger and back to sadness. Who am I angry with--I don't know, I suppose angry that I lost my husband and wanted to live out his dream for us which never came true. Angry because he worked so hard his entire life, and just wanted to enjoy a retirement that never came.

I think you're right, maybe I have to stay a little calmer and look around and see signs of him in the good things around me.

Thank you.

Elisa

May 27, 2014
grace
by: Anonymous

Loss is so very different for all that experience it. You cannot compare one situation to another. But, what I can say, is that I have too lost loved ones thru various situations. It is truly a roller coaster ride, just when you think healing has begun and you are on your way, something smacks you in that face to remind you that you have another gigantic hill to climb or fall down. Don't get discouraged, take each ride as it comes as its your ride to have and feel, in order to heel. I hope this is being heard the way its intended. It was really helpful to me thru those times. As the part of feeling his presence and now its been quite. Don't go there, he is with you. Especially as you guys were soul mates. He is there, just look around, be silent, he is there in ways you may not have first thought of. My dear friend did the same thing, and let me just tell you. She never left. She gives the few of us that are open to her spirit, signs along the way. And we just smile. cry, and then smile. prayers and thoughts of prosperity and joy for you and your ride in healing.

May 24, 2014
To Bluebird, "It's different for everyone."
by: Anonymous

Bluebird,

Your message makes sense logically to function as normally as possible, however, in my opinion, from my own feelings, nothing, no super busy day, hobby, or anything can erase thoughts of him in my heart and head. But for perhaps you and others, it is possible. Not being stubborn about it, just honest. My hurt will never dissipate for as long as I breathe.

Put together, torn apart; too difficult to deal with no matter what. Not even a billion dollar lotto win, or anything would create an un-fake smile on this face. Thanks for your ideas, though.

P.S. I do know of some women who blame their husbands for leaving them. How harsh. They (the deceased) were either sick, in an accident, or whatever, but to blame them and be angry they "left," is immature, and outright mean.

anon.

May 23, 2014
it's different for everyone
by: bluebird

Some people find ways to not give up that work for them, and some don't. For those who do, different things work for different people. Some people start a charity in the name of their dead spouse or partner, some people find religion helps them (whichever religion that might be -- Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Pagan, Buddhist, whatever), some people throw themselves into family or work, some people find that creating art helps (writing, painting, whatever), some people travel. Try whatever you think might work for you.

May 23, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Well how do you not give up? Don't get me wrong I was about to give up in the very 1st stages. My heart felt ripped a part, and finally what did it to me, was staring, and my dog (Lulu), which is a gift from my husband, and then (Blacky) my cat, boy seeing their hurt little faces, eyes with so much pain did it for me. I finally said "Lord" help me Jesus, I can't let this animals down, they depend on me, and I don't want to live my babies a bandoned or anything like that, but that is what did it for me, and this was like the 3rd month into my grieving, and then, around the 8th month I litteraly had to really wake up, because everyone around me. Like lawyers, people who are deceitful etc. etc. can tell when you are a widow, and boy there are like wolfs ready for the kill. The Lord woke me up, and they were trying to take my house away, and just literaly ugly,evil people were like preying on me, as if I had a sign prey on me, anyways listen 1st and for most, ask the Lord Jesus Christ to give you strength, and of course you have to have Hope to have Faith, but it is not easy. The Lord gives us trial & tribulations, and boy does he, but it is also a test, and how loyal you are to the Lord, and obediant. My husband was a rehab couselor, and his specialty was gangsters , but he also couseled all walks of life, from marriages, children who were of incest, and I could go on and on, but I learned so much from my husband, and the Lord gave him a task, not a small one, but a Big one, and that is why? he is and will always be known as one of the greatest legacy that ever lived now, and I was so honored to have been married to someone like him, with so much class, love, humbleness, and well I could go on, but that is how you keep going, you will one day be with your love one, not just yet, but when the Lord tells you it is your time. See we are here on earth, on borrowed time, and the Lord has a plan for each, and everyone of us, so start off by doing what makes you live each day you wake up, even if it is a minute, or second at a time, but listen. I don't know much about you, or how your loved one passed on, but try scripture, and just pray, and ask for you to get stronger every day, trust me he will listen to you. Hope that helps a little. I feel like I was led to inform this to you, and I know it is my husband, through me. The Lord is my strength.

May 22, 2014
How do you not give up?
by: Anonymous

Supposed to be "beyond" the terrible missing-grieving for him, but I'm worse off than the day he died. How do you not give up?

May 20, 2014
To Anononymous: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

Dear The Lord is My Strength,

I loved the cat and kittens (all 5) story; the Mom is protecting her brood. I hope they find homes to permanently be taken care of. For now, they feel comfortable hanging around there where they feel safe because of people like you.

Wish I had had the honor of hearing your husband speak, I am sure he was eloquent, yet warmth must flowed from his heart-felt words.

Where does time go? Am approaching the 2-year mark--it seems like yesterday that I first found this web page, and now look, we are all still writing to one another, keeping each other as good as we can possibly we.

Life is forever changed, however, we will hopefully have our lives back when we reunite with our guys in Heaven.

Did you name the kittens? I wonder if they are boys or girls. If there are boys, maybe we can name them after our husbands. Just a thought.
All life is precious.

Keep writing. God bless. Wish I were as strong and faithful as you are.

Love, Elisa (Hugo's wife) I miss him so very much. more and more.

May 20, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your kind words Appsphyl & Elisa I guess I will except what the Lord gives me as a gift, because it is he who is in control. I have been a little down, but it is weird, and I have been having this weird dreams that don't make any sense to me, but I wonder what they the dreams are trying to tell me. I told my sweet "Bubbas" to pray for me from the thrown of GOD, maybe he is trying to give me messages, but I am writing my dreams down, and then I look them up in my Dream encyclopedia dream book. Anyways ladies I was at work, and a moma cat had kittens, and they are about five, and there is two of them with blue eyes, they make my day. They are so precious, the moma cat is pretty, and has blue eyes too. I was trying to get them out of the pallets, which they are underneath, but I think mama cat is carrying them from place to place. They are so precious. I hear two people there give them food, and are trusted by them. I was cleaning up and one two three four five little cute faces come out, and they are so precious, but mama cat is around I try to touch one the other day , and mama cat growl at me. I just stay away and kept giving them TLC talk & they look at me with those precious eyes. The Lord puts those creatures in my way to give me a good day. See how the Lord works. Anyways ladies I was talking to my friend who worked with my husband, and also her mother died about 7 months ago, and she says I should go speak to the people at the GrieveShare, which she attends on Thursdays, and I said I will when I get a chance, because of my work schedule. Again it is my "Bubbas" who speaks to her friend through me, awesome huh. Well I am grateful to GOD, but I do miss my big bear. He is and was so amazing, and definetly a very good speaker too. You all would have really love his words, and his spoke from the heart, and definetly from GOD's words. Well for now GOD bless all of you, and I will write soon. The Lord is my strength.

May 19, 2014
The Lord is my Strength,Lisa and all others that have lost loved ones
by: appsphyl

Hey gals, just read the comments on the post and wanted to check in and let all know God is still with us. I know how everyone is feeling and I am about to hit the 2 year mark of Bill's death and it is harder than the first year. We are so busy the first year taking care of everything that has to be done that we don't have the time to really grieve. Now things have settled down and we have nothing but time and all our memories. I talk to Bill everyday and I still cry everyday and still get angry and mad, but I know I can't change things that have happened.
Lety, you have really helped me and you don't know how grateful I am to you. I think your purpose in life is to help us and help us understand that we don't know why our loved ones were taken, but we all must have a purpose. We may never know what it is or if we do touch someone else, but I know Lety has touched mine and I will always be grateful to her. Also, this site has given me the chance to meet other great friends and has brought us closer together.
It is not the way I would have chosen to meet the friends I have met, but God has a plan and even though we don't know what it is, we must trust and believe.
I pray all that read this message can find some solace and peace in their lives.
Love, Phyllis

May 19, 2014
It's a lovely sunn day.
by: Anonymous

The sun is shining today, but my heart is sad as Tom can't share the beauty! I know all you dear ladies have the longings and yearlings for your dear husbands to share life with you. I know I posted positive thoughts about living and making happiness in life, but the real truth is I am not happy. I've forgotten what the feeling is. Where is the joy, togetherness, laughter and love? I do get joy and laughter from grandchildren, but I ache for Tom to have it too. It was Tom's birthday my last posting and I was trying to be brave for him. That was the 3rd birthday without him. I sit here and sun is streaming into the house and I look and feel empty.the sun is warm and my heart is chilled. I have to live this life without Tom. Oh it is hard! All is still around me. The birds are singing and my heart is broken. I have looked outside, but not ventured out. I feel afraid to enjoy it, yet I know Tom would want me to embrace the day, feel the hot sun on my body, thank God for the day and live and breathe in the warm, fresh air.
I sit still and ruminate. This is a second in my time! The clock ticks on! Moment by moment I live. Last time I wrote I need to change and branch out to find new happiness. I am doing that. All with a heavy heart. As I drive along the country road to work in the morning, I cry silently. Here I am doing all the things I did without Tom. At lunch time I write to Tom to tell him how I feel and what is going on in the house, with his children and how much I love him. I tell him I don't want this life. Then I promise I will try to live the live God gave me and stop wishing it away.
This perpetual longing will never stop. Today I will see my friend who is sick. Take my sister to hospital appointment, feed the birds as Tom did every day, walk the dogs, tidy the house and dry my hair so I look nice for the day. What else can I do. I wrote a petition to Mother Mary and a friend took it to Lourdes. I feel she is with me. Since then my daughter, who had double mastectomy and is now clear has started work, my son who left for New Zealand has found a job. My garden wall, which is 8f feet high and very long is rebuilt and the worry about the cost has become less and all relationships with siblings are good. I do feel I am blessed by her. I will cling to that thought. So this sunny day is a gift! I must venture out in positive mood and embrace it as Tom would want. All my sister widows this is my story. I feel for you today. I know the agony of wanting him back to hear his voice speak your name, caress your face, hold your hand and cuddle you close. Have the best day you can. I care. My positive thought for today is: feel the sun on your face. It is a gift from God. X Mo

May 14, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hi there Appsphyl I wonder if you and I our starting to have that 2 yr. affect that people say happens to us, after our loves ones gone. I have already 2 yrs. 2 months, and your about 3 months, before your 2 yr. Anyways my point is that we are feeling the affects all over again, regarding anger, frustration, anxiety etc. but I know your keeping the Faith lady, just remember our conversations, because I know your husband is watching over you, but as I state we are of human flesh, and that is just how it is, but our love one's know we always have them in our hearts. I hope all is well, and I keep praying for you, and Elisa, because by prayer, and praying for one another is more powerful, because the Holy Spirit in us will always protect us. GOD bless you and for now The Lord is my strength.

May 14, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Continue ... Part 2 ----
I am telling you, even from the thrown of GOD my beautiful husband looks out after me, and because I keep the Faith, and Hope, even though I miss him so very much, but he lets me know even by scripture he is always with me, so lady start taking care of yourself, because your husband is trying to tell you, to stop hurting yourself this way, after all you will be with him one day, not now, but when the Lord says you will, for now GOD Bless you The Lord is my strength.

May 14, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Elisa & Appsphyl and all who have loss love ones. Elisa there is nothing wrong about having a funeral video tape, as a matter a fact, those folk who tell you that is gruesome, well they are simply afraid of death, but in some cases such as for example if a death came in a car accident, and or the person was disfigured in some way, than I agree, but my belove husband was very put together, and my sister, was the one who picked his shirt, pants, hat etc, but in my case there was so much love from all the people who he helped, and as a matter a fact in the wake I made sure everyone who was there, went up there to speak a word or two, and everything came as the Lord wanted it, and even my husband, he was there spiritually helping put things together, even looking for his D214 form from the Services, which my husband served the Air Force, as 1st class Airman, from all his peeps, from work, and inmates, and well I need not have to say much, so you can see there was so many people he gave from his heart, and saved life's, so really my husband's funeral, military ceremonial, and including going to spread his ashes at sea, where his brother served two tours in the Navy, but I guess I don't have to tell you how everything else went. Yes my husband is always around me, and I guess Appsphyl is right about something she said to me once. I told her this was in the early months of his death. I told her I wish I new what my purpose was or is here on earth, since my beloved beautiful husband has gone, is. She tells me I need not look no more my purpose is that I am continuing to do my husband's work here, but I will never be anything like him, he was the expert, and that is why he is a legacy, that lives in so many souls who he touched here on earth. You know some of them folk, sometimes call me and say that my husband visit them, and his spirit is everywhere I tell them Yes I believe you.

May 13, 2014
To: Anonymous Mo, and everyone who recently posted on here
by: Elisa

To all:

Your words of wisdom and comfort are refreshing, and helpful.

I go back and forth, bad days, worse days, and then not so bad days. I miss my husband so much; if you were to read all the old posts and the other web pages, I've written it over and over again in so many different ways.

I'm trying my best, that's all I can do. The only time my heart doesn't hurt is when I am asleep, and that's not through the night--I am up about 4 or 5 times a night. Some times I forget he is not here.

Thanks, and keep writing here. Love, Elisa

May 13, 2014
To: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

Dear The Lord Is My Strength,

I love to read your messages here; they are inspiring because your husband inspires you to write certain things that help people just as he always ministered to the lonely, hurt, needy people who are now better off because of the help and love he gave so freely to them.

I often think maybe I should have had a funeral video made, but everyone used to say it is gruesome. I don't believe it is--it is another milestone in someone's life to be memorialized and the video would make me cry, but it would also make me remember a lot of things I sometimes want to remember and then I want to forget.

My husband was dressed in his best, favorite suit, shirt, tie, cuff links, shoes, but he was so thin, so maybe it's best I remember the good-looking, strong man I married rather than what the cancer did to him.

I have tried to keep busy doing things around the house--outdoors, not half as good as he did them, but I try. I've been dealing with outside contractors to handle things, but they can be a nuisance with their not calling back, and their outrageous prices. What a difference going from a wife of a perfectionist who took great care of our home to people who just care about the pay.

Anyway, I hope you feel all right, and those funny feelings could be a combination of sadness, anxiety, etc. We will go through a lot of feelings, etc., until we meet them again, as Appsphyl believes so strongly.

Take care. Love,Elisa

May 13, 2014
To Appsphyl
by: Elisa

Dear "em friend"

You write so eloquently; I love to read your posts here and the ones I get. Sometimes I just plain out blurt that I cry and get mad, and I know you know all of that and have heard it all, and always listen or read with such an open mind and heart, and I appreciate it always.

One thing that is so wonderful, Bill said, "I Love You." What a memory in such a sad circumstance; and those words are in your heart forever. He knew and he had the strength and presence of mind to say it. I wish Hugo could have, but it was different that night. Maybe he tried, but couldn't.

I have bad and then worse days. Really no day or night is all right any longer. Today is a beautiful Spring day--the kind Hugo loved, and I picture him looking out at his green grass, the house, and then I'd go out and give him a cup of coffee, or a glass of water or juice. Just memories, wish I could hug him one more time.

Keep the faith--I try to, but I admit I fail. The only time I feel a tiny bit better is when I do work around here that he'd be doing, but better than I could ever do, or when I visit him at the cemetery. I miss doing for him, watching him, and his great smile--his lips smiled in harmony with his greenish/brownish eyes.

We'll talk soon. Love, Elisa

May 12, 2014
All who have lost loved ones
by: appsphyl

I have read the post on here and agree with most of what you say. It has been 21 months today that my husband died and today is our daughter's birthday, so it is bitter sweet. I still cry several times a day every day, I still get angry and mad and hate people some time. But, I know I have to live and know that is what Bill would want me to do. We were married 31 1/2 wonderful years and did everything together. We both had been retired 4 years and were constantly together. Bill had never been sick, just felt bad on Sunday and was dead in less than an hour. His last words to me were "I Love You". He had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine and it wore his heart down and caused him to go into cardiac arrest. I still feel sorry for myself and some days I don't want to go on and don't want to live. But for some reason God chose to take our loved ones and let us live. We may never know the reason, but I know our spouses want us to continue to have a life and live as they would if it had been us that died. I had my husband cremated, so a part of him is always with me. I talk to him and still ask his opinion about things. I am not saying it is easy but we must have faith that we will see our loved ones again and live for that moment. Without faith in God, we will be lost, so we must believe and we will see our loved ones again when it is time for us to join them. Just believe and have faith and enjoy life to the best of your ability.
Phyllis

May 11, 2014
Death is final;we are alive!
by: AnonymousMo

When I read your comments I felt despair. I too have felt your thoughts and thought death was the answer. We may be half dead, but also half alive. We did cling to our spouse and we may feel no one understands, empathizes, listens, cares or wants to hear our sorrow. However, this week I realize that changes will only come if I make them.
Some people do care...not many...it is us that need to open our hearts to trust and love. This sounds patronizing, but I have given it lots of evaluation and painful consideration. I am going to think a positive thought a day. Even through the agony of no husband to cling to. I told him I want peace, eternal rest and a wife that will try to live and find joy in something every day. I don't want him in constant worry about me. I ache for him. I plead and cry. I'm very alone, but I am going to seek friendship, give love, see beauty in flowers and praise his name. Live through the pain and find solace.

May 11, 2014
WE SIT ALONE
by: Anonymous

is it because we lived through our spouses that without them now we feel we are nothing, with no life ahead, alone, sad, lonely. we clung to them, they clung to us, and all the time we spent no time with any friends, not enough to make one lasting friendship that would be here in our time of aloneness. so, we made a mistake and put everything into one person who is now gone, we are left behind, and not one person, no family member, no friend, no one feels this emptiness on a holiday, on a birthday, on any day or night that we are left here in this life, wondering where are the ones we clung to now?

IS DEATH THE ANSWER?

ANON

May 11, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Elisa I received your message to me and Appsphyl. Listen I know sometimes it is hard, don't get me wrong, sometimes I too have it hard. Try to keep yourself busy, read a book, or I don't know if you have thought of volunteering for something, that you enjoy doing, or a hospital, or nursery, just examples. I didn't have a good day, after the 8th for some reason I was uncomfortable in my mind, and body, and a little agitated, and angry. I ask the Lord why all of a sudden I was feeling that way. Well I guess I was missing my husband, and feeling a little anxious. Yes it was, because I was really thinking of the good times, and then the sad times towards his death, and then I try to sleep, and was dreaming different things, that didn't make NO sense to me, so I got the Bible, and read some scripture, and ask the Lord to give me wisdom, and understanding to what I am feeling at the present moment. See Elisa, even when we have Faith, and Hope we still continue to have our off days, and I was realizing even though it has been 2 yrs., and 2 months I still miss him a lot physically, but I know he is in peace and in the thrown of GOD, and perhaps he was trying to let me know something, but I was uncomfortable in my own self. I haven't felt like that in a while, but I always watch the video of the funeral that his homies tape for me, and it was letting me know that he is a legacy that will never be forgotten. I come across a lot of the messes or you know his messes, which he counsel, and saved so many life's, and it was his humble doing's that were coming to my presence. I still have insomnia, and I have to take my Ambien, which I am still taking, because I can't sleep like normal, but because I took care of my husband for so long. I had to sleep when he went to sleep, because of his illness with Leuikimia, but it was all worth it, that is taking care of him. I would do it all over again. I know he knows I Love him very much, and always will. Sometimes people can say stupied things like oh you will fine someone you are still young. I feel like telling them, yeah it is probably you, who wants someone in your life, but I don't want to get ugly or nasty. I just simply say Lord forgive them, because they know not better. Anyways I hope you try to stay healthy for yourself, because sometimes we need to nurture ourselves, because remember we are now widow's and we have to depend on our self's only, but you are not alone. The Lord is always there to catch you, and keep you safe. Well I will write to you later. The Lord is my strength.

May 08, 2014
To: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

Dear The Lord Is My Strength,

Hope this gets up before Mother's Day. I already wrote it, but all of us are mothers one reason or the other; and I wish all of you blessings.

I visited Hugo yesterday because on Sunday it is difficult for me to get to the cemetery--bus is local, long trip, and my train is not running on weekend. Anyway, I do not like visiting him there; want him home, but I pray he is beside me.
I visited my Mother (for Mother's day) and my Father--they are buried together, and then I visited my Godmother who is in the same cemetery.
It is very sad walking through there without Hugo who used to drive there with me every week to see the 3 of them. Now, I see him first then I get to my parents, then aunt Mary's.

It's good you are keeping busy and feeling tired from the running around--it probably helps you sleep well; I don't sleep through the night at all--up a lot, sometimes i call out for Hugo.
Have not heard from Appsphyl because she is quite busy running here and there, but I am sure after the weekend she will write.

Stay well, and glad that you feel your Wayne around you.

Love, Elisa (Lisa)

May 08, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Elisa & Appsphyil well today is exactly 2 yrs. and 2 months, since my sweet "Bubbas" has gone to better pastures, and I know he is in peace now. He better visit me tonight. I was thinking about us in sad moments, memories, but also in good ones too, but you know time really goes so fast. I can believe it has been this long, but my beautiful "Bubbas" (Wayne) will always be in my heart. I have been meaning to go visit his or better yet Monterey, where I scattered his ashes, and also in Santa Nella Gustin where his plaque is and put flowers. I just have the weirdest hours in this job, and boy am I always tired. I am on my feet all day, and running around. It's fun, but boy that cement and running, and working all day, can really stress your feet. I am going to attempt to do both tommorrow, and or Friday, because I work on Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday, Tuesday. Okay just want to share this with all of you. GOD bless you all, hope all is well with you ladies.

May 02, 2014
Mother's Day
by: Elisa

To all the Mothers who have lost their husbands and to all the husbands who have lost their wives be they mothers or not--everyone is a mother to someone.

I miss my Mom, I miss my Dad, I miss my God Mother, and most of all I miss my husband. We had no children, but I gave love to many like a mother would.

God bless all of you. Love, Elisa

Apr 23, 2014
To Appsphyl
by: Elisa

Dear Appsphyl,

I already wrote to you but wanted to comment here; I am so happy Bill did, indeed, come to you through the chiming (re-chiming) of your grandfather clock. I wrote more and you will get it soon.

Love to you and to The Lord Is My Strength,
Elisa (forever missing Hugo so much,

Apr 23, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Well Mrs. Appsphyl/aka Phyllis you know that was definately Bill, especially, because he reminded you it was or would have been your 33rd anniversary on 4-18-14, and to top it off the same time you was married 2:00 p.m. I told you he would always be there, spiritually that is, and to remind you he loves you, and is stating to you, he never forgets you lady. I am not surprise, because once in a great while they just pop up, to remind us they are there, especially on important dates. Just like when I was constantly being reminded from my husband too, to let his ashes be spread in the ocean with his brother, and on our anniversary too, which is 11-17-14. He was letting me know that was our 14 yr. and he knows I will always visit him @ sea, espeically on our important date. It feels good huh!! Phyllis. I am so happy for you, that Bill came to visit & remind you, he is always with you, and yes our animals so do give us that comfort, that they bring to us. Just like me with Lulu (dog), and Blacky (cat). I was wondering where you have been. I am so happy to hear from you. You know you are also in my thoughts often, you and Elisa. I just try to keep the Faith w/our Lord Jesus Christ the Holy Ghost (Spirit) within us. GOD is being good to me, and well I too, am doing whatever purposes the Lord has here for me, until he call me to be with my sweet "Bubbas" you know I started working at the Garden Department, well he is part of the reason I am there too. I just know I am there for a purpose, and it always reminds me of my husband, cause he used to show me how to make flowers, and plants and create baskets. I realize one day this is what he used to do for his messes, and or people he counseled for therapy. Little did I know he was doing the same to me, when I would stress. That sweet husband of mine. I miss him alot, and always will love him, because I carry him in my heart always. They know. Well Mrs. Appspyl glad to hear from you. Finally, your friend always "The Lord is my strength" Stay in touch

Apr 22, 2014
The Lord is my Strength,Lisa and all others that have lost loved ones
by: Appsphyl

I wanted to take this time to write on this site as it has been several months since I have written and I want to share with all my Easter Blessing. As a lot of you know I lost Bill on 8/12/12. It was very sudden, he had never been sick and was full of health and energy and was only 58. He was here one minute and gone the next, his last words to me were "I love you" and then he was gone. After 5 months of autopsy they found he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine that no one knew he had and could not be detected and that put extra strain on his heart and it just wore out. Anyway, we were married on 4/18/81 and it was Easter weekend, except the 18th was on Saturday. So on 4/12 Bill has been dead 20 months and we would have been married 33 years on the 18th.
We have a grandfather clock in our foyer that we bought in 1989 and Bill loved that clock. It still keeps perfect time but right after Christmas the chimes stopped working. No matter what I did I could not get the clock to chime.
On Friday, 4/18, I was putting away my groceries and I heard what I thought was a chime. I walked into the foyer and the clock was chiming at 2:00. That is the exact time that we got married on the 18th and it sent cold chills down my back. The clock is still chiming right on time now and I don't know how long it will chime but for now I am content. I really believe God sent Bill back to me one more time to let me know he is ok and with God and is looking after me and I know he is waiting for me to join him when it is my time.
Now all I can do is do God's will whatever it may be and take care of my wonderful animals who give me great comfort. I hope all had a good Easter and know your love one is with you always.
Love, Phyllis

Apr 20, 2014
To The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

Dear The Lord is My Strength,

Thinking about you, in fact, I asked Appsphyl if she had heard from you.

Very sad today, as you are, wish Hugo were here because we would have been doing everything for the family. I am alone (my choice), and others were invited but decided to go elsewhere--in with the new out with the "old" and good people who gave them so much love, especially my Hugo.

That's how it goes; God sees them, He knows.

I'm not bitter, but hurt, yet wiser now.

I am sorry your dog and kitty cat are not doing too well. Hope they are better by the time you read this.

Your husband was right there by your side when you were watering everything at the job. Glad you finished up the training, and are keeping occupied with this job. I know your sweet husband is never away from your heart and mind.

I am still crying a lot, especially today.

My heart shall be broken forever. I pray, however, I still have no answers.

I just want him back. But that won't happen.

God bless, thanks for writing. Love, Elisa (Lisa)

Apr 20, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Elisa & Appsphysl I hope both of you are doing well, well tomorrow is Easter, but I know all of us would be thinking of our Love ones, on this particular day. My husband used to love this day, but that ended when his mother died in 2008, and good brother who died in 2006 from there on things were so different for him. but today lets just concentrate on our love ones. I wish he was here physically, but we all know that is not possible, but in spirit they will join us today. I was thinking of him today at work. I finally got all the training done. but I started watering the plants, roses, flowers, and at the same time I think he joined me there for a little while. I am starting to miss him alot, but I ask the Lord Jesus, and Holy Ghost to really give me wisdom, and understanding to capture the voice of reason from the dear oh Lord, because I really need him this days. I know my husband is more at peace, but The Lord is probably got him very busy up stairs if you know what I mean. My Lulu (dog) is not feeling to well , so I am babying my little girl, Blacky (cat) his aging too, and my babies keep me busy, and going. If it weren't for them I think I would be a basket case, but the Lord is good to me. OK enough for today. GOD bless you Elisa, and Appsphyl Hope Hugo & Bill come to visit. I know they will. The Lord is my strength.

Apr 18, 2014
Easter Blessings to All
by: Elisa

To everyone: We miss our spouses and our family members who are not here with us; I cry, you cry, and we all cry as we recall memories of past Easters, and all days we shared and loved so much.

Love to all, Elisa (Hugo's wife)

Apr 10, 2014
For: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

Dear The Lord Is My Strength,
It is April 10 and I just read your message to me.
Thanks for saying I am not stubborn, I suppose the word to describe me is sensitive, or better yet constantly sad.

I know that Hugo has sent me messages to be careful, to think about things, to seek help, and I have to learn to let him come closer to me.

Your faith is so strong, I wish you could bottle it up and send it to me.

Take care, and God bless, Elisa

Apr 09, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

No Elisa you are not stubborn or lack of faith. It is how your emotions are feeling on that perticular moment, and it is okay, because you will have this kinds of emotions on/off, don't push yourself to hard. Remember we are of the flesh, and you are only human, but know this. Hugo is always around you. I know, my Bubbas never lives me, he let's me know his presence, especially by scriptures. I forgot to tell you, back in the day. I wasn't his wife then or existed for that matter, but he was in Canada, and taught Bible for 4 yrs. too. He was very knowledgeable, and well he lived life to his fullest. I love him too, and miss him so much, but I keep the faith, because I have to have HOPE to fine Faith, but you will too, and I know you are, because he only makes us more stronger. I know just how you feel. Not easy sometimes, but there is no other alternative, but to go forward. I know he would want you too, but you will always have him in your heart, because they live in our hearts. Special huh!! Anyways lady I will keep praying for you and Appsphyl, and keep writing when you want to let me know something. Okay GOD Bless you my friend. The Lord is my strength.

Apr 09, 2014
To The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

It is April 9th, 2014, and I know you past 2 years and 1 month a day ago. I just read your message to me and Appsphyl today, the 9th.

I try to believe his body is gone, but he is with me, however, I hurt so much, am so frustrated because I want it to be the other way--he is not gone and we are still together. Please don't call it stubborn or lack of faith, call it, I just don't want it this way.

I hope you don't mind, but I read the entire message, and congratulations on your new Garden department job. Just in time for Spring. Good luck, and your husband did have a lot to do with it. Sometimes if some things go bad for me and then turn around a bit, I say it's my Babe doing it all behind the scenes.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I too think about you all the time.

Blessed Easter. I hate facing that holiday without Hugo, and I just faced a birthday without him, and alone. He was so into holidays and birthdays. I cried a lot.

Love, Elisa

Apr 08, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Appsphyl & Elisa it has been awhile since we interacted here in this recover-from-grief.com I just like to say that you women are in my thoughts and prayers. So you dread looking at the calendar there Elisa every 29th, well think of it this way. Now put it as a memory that he is always around you. I know he is, and a reminder that our love's ones NO matter what are always remembered, especially on that perticular date. Like today is 4-8-14 and my beautiful husband has been gone to better pastures for me it is a memory that always stays with me, and it's 2 yrs. & 1 month for me, but I always celebrate it as though he is still here, but not physically, but spiritually. Just remember that, and trust me they know you are thinking and loving them more than ever on their special date. Appsphyl I hope you are in good spirits, and trolling right along like me. I know you are stronger now, but your love one too, knows you remember him on his special day. Okay ladies I will keep you in my prayers, and know that "The Lord is my strength" is always sending good energy & light your way. GOD bless and keep me posted on how your journey here on earth is going. Oh by the way I just started workingI am in training, and guess what. I am being put in the "Garden" department what better way to start the spring & summer. If i do good they will probably keep me permanent at the end of Aug./Sept. It is Temp/Seasonal. I am already starting to like it. I know my husband is part of this. Why? He love to garden, and taught me a few things here & there. See how the Lord's plan works towards are purpose and journey here. Well once again. Would love to hear from you ladies. Keep me posted. I care "The Lord is my Strength"

Apr 07, 2014
my world is over without you...
by: Anonymous

it is so hard to believe you are dead. what a terribly ugly word, dead. I look at your pictures, so alive, smiling, not sick, and then I remember how you got before death came. miss you more than every star in the heavens. anon.

Mar 29, 2014
Here's that 29 again...
by: Elisa (Lisa) Hugo's wife

My husband died on the 29th and every time the 29th comes up on the calendar, I can't look, I cross the day out.

It seems like maybe only 29minutes ago that he took his last breath, and I miss him even more than when I cried out that he was gone.

Is he OK? Is he remembering me? Is he in a great place, like he was--a great man? I pray so because he deserves it. I miss him so much, love him, and will until I hopefully re-unite with him.

Bless all of you. Elisa

Mar 23, 2014
To: The Lord is my strength
by: Appsphyl

I am so sorry to hear about your Uncle. I know you are a strong person, but sometimes it is hard when these things happen. You have been such a tremendous strength to me. Know I am here and if I can help in any way, please let me know. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and God bless you and keep you in His care.

Love, Phyllis

Mar 23, 2014
I relate to can't do it
by: No one at all

To Can't do it, i don't blame you for feeling that way. If you went on another web site where people write about how they feel, they say the same things as you do and how I feel: don't want to go on what for?

Can't do it: is there a heaven? I dont know, and i don't have the faith that others have to believe in anything any more. I hope there is, but does God let everyone in? Cause I curse at him for taking my love of my life. Also, what determines God's choices?

No one at all is who I feel like.

Mar 22, 2014
To the Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa (Lisa)

Dear TLIMS (The Lord Is My Strength)

I am very sorry about your uncle passing from the same thing your dear husband had, I guess it was too much to take and the stroke came.
My condolences to you, your family and all your cousins. I can relate to your cousin who has been depressed since his Mom's death.

As you know, I am very depressed since my husband's death, and on top of that don't feel physically well at all.

I am glad you have the strength and deep faith to write to everyone on this site; I believe your words help a lot.

Love, Elisa (Lisa) Hugo's wife--I miss him so much.

Mar 21, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Folks today my uncle Manual died of Leukemia cancer of the blood, just like my husband did. He died this morning around 1:30a.m. and he too was going through Chemo, but early this morning I heard he kinda had a stroke, and that is what did it on top of this ugly word CANCER. Well my heart goes out to my family on my mom's side, but my aunt Chavela aka as Isabel died like 10 or 12 yrs. ago, and their father died today. Well I know how that feels, they left 3 boys behind, one was in the Marines, the other one graduated from Chicano studies, and the youngest one is not all there, his been depress since ooohhh way back since their mother died, she died of a tumor in the brain. I think what is sad the most is when you loose both parents, and to me it hits home, because my husband died from Leukemia in the blood too, and it's like dejavu for me, but I am strong, and well my cousins grown up men now, are going through a difficult time, and for those who know what grieving is like. I would like for you folk to take a moment and pray for my cousins, who now a most precious gift we have "parents" both are now gone, and the road down for this men (cousins) will be a tough one. I know, because I am walking those shoes, but my husband is gone, and I pray that the Father, Son, and Holy spirit, and angels of grief, can ease the transition of his soul on to heaven now. Good Bye uncle Manual now you can rest in peace and be with my aunt Isabel. Prayers for the De La Rosa family. Amen In Jesus Name. "The Lord is my strength"

Mar 17, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Can't do it you want to hear something. On the 3-8-14 was exactly the 2 yr. mark for me, so far I haven't had a regression or something like that. I hear when the 2 yr. mark some folk tend to regress, and go back as if the whole situation happen yesterday, don't get me wrong, but I feel I am a strong person, because #1 the Lord is my strenght, #2 my sweet husband "Bubba's" is always around me through scripture, finding a penny, dime, nickel you name it, and birds, angels letting me know his there, plus I seem to be counseling, and or talking to people when they approach me with some sort of problem, and or pain they are facing, but I know it is my husband working through me. Can't explain it, but I know his not done here doing what he did best, but I am glad through the Lord, and my husband's spirit presence he does his magic through me. Now that is GOD using me as an instrument to do GOD's work, plan, and through me words of wisdom come out of me, something I never really did, because I know it is something my beautiful husband would say. Now that is one of GOD's purpose here that he has me doing, but I always ask the Lord what other purposes do you have for me Lord. I am glad that sometimes I do reach people in the most odd, strange ways, but I do, and I know what is behind all this. I already spread my husband's ashes on our 14 anniversary, which was 11-17-13. I kept some for myself, but he is spread in Monterrey out there in the ocean, he wanted me to spread his ashes out in the ocean with the good brother Jimmie who was younger than him, and Jimmie was in the Navy 2 tours. Now his final rest @ the Veterans cemetery, with his emblem/plaque the emblem was an eagle, which signifies Freedom, and well he is in out there, where there is sheep, ocean, mountain like grass, and oh very beautiful. I told my family here is where I will be buried, when I go under, everything is done. They don't even have to spend money, because when your husband dies, the wife spouse gets to be buried there for free too. Great huh, well at least he didn't live me all that bad, but I continue to spread his legacy. He is one beautiful, humble man who deserved to be rested like a King, even though we know who the King of Kings is the Lord Jesus Christ, wholly sun, wholly ghost. Anyways I will live you with a prayer all. GOD give you Faith, Hope, courage to lift up your hearts, and claim the Lord as your Savior, and Salvation. Amen The Lord is my strength

Mar 17, 2014
to:Anonymous
by: Appsphyl

You can do it and you will do it. I am not telling you it is going to be easy because it is not. My husband has been dead 19 months and it seems like it was yesterday. I still cry and get angry and am hurt, but God had a purpose for taking him and leaving me. For some reason God wanted our spouses and they went. Now we must try to carry on and do what we can till we are with them again. Some days are worse than others, but we will survive. I know Bill is with me and will always be a part of me and is watching over me. Just have faith and don't worry about what other people say, you just have to find your own way to grieve and to get through this. Your true friends will be there for you, I know I found out fast who my true friends are. We are all here on this site and will help you however we can. Take care and know you have friends.
Love, Phyllis

Mar 17, 2014
can't do it
by: Anonymous

you are grieving so much and yet you still have to grieve about what are you supposed to do how are you supposed to take care of yourself your place car everything needs repair or re-do.
your spouse didn't want to leave you with all of that burden but they did and they are more than likely sorry they died and left you and all the mess you deal with not to mention fake people who dont even try to help you. can't do it anymore, there is just to much. anonymous

Mar 08, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Appsphyl & Elisa thank you for your kind words, and for thinking of me yesterday, and today. Well actually Elisa today 3-8-14 is really the actually date that my "Bubba's" left to be with the Lord. I had to do the ceremonial on 3-7-14, because they don't do them on the weekends, just Monday - Fridays, so today 3-8-14 is really the official date. 2 years ago. I say well where has all this time gone. Well I was really in La la land for like 8 months, and I realize I had to do everything on my own, because in reality we are stuck we doing everything from cutting the trees, mowing the lawn, taking care of the car, truck, motorcycle you know man stuff, but I had practice with all this, because I realize my husband taught me all this things, like how to hammer the fence, if a board comes a part, how to put gas on the lawn mower you know all this. I even get on the roof top to clean out the leaves on the gutters, man sometimes I feel like I am super women. Lmao!! but in reality that is really what life is now about, and don't depend on no one, but your self's, because no one has time for you, except people like you, and I who are walking this shoes, of our husbands passing. I really wish for one moment he can appear even like a ghost or spirit so I can see him, and hug him, and tell him how much I miss and love him, but I think he already knows that. Sometimes women we have to force ourselves to do everything possible to make it, by Faith, Hope, and by prayer, because either we go down, or we go up. I know if I didn't have my dog/cat, which is Lulu & Blacky I would be a basket case, but my animals keep me sain, and they really do. Okay ladies talk to you soon. GOD bless you. The Lord is my strength.

Mar 08, 2014
The Lord is my Strength
by: Appsphyl

Sounds like a beautiful ceremony. Glad you were able to do it. You have helped me so much in the past 18 1/2 months, I think I was meant to get on this site. I have met several friends and hope we will continue to be there for each other and all the new ones that write. It isn't easy and some days seem harder then others. I still cry every day and still ask WHY. There are so many people out there that are mean and cruel, but are still alive. While our good ones are gone. I know I will never get an answer till I meet Bill again one day. That is the day I will be happy again. Hope all that read this know you are not alone and we will see our loved ones again. We just have to have faith and enjoy our memories. Know we are in God's hands and He will take care of us.
Love to all, Phyllis

Mar 08, 2014
To: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa

Dear The Lord Is My Strength (L):

Yesterday, the 7th, was your 2-year mark; and it sounded from your message here that God put all of the people with you together for a purpose.
It doesn't matter who shows up; in fact, every year since my Hugo died, only a few family members come, who knows who will next July. What matters is you are there, and I am there for them.
I will be going to the cemetery some time next week, hopefully, the snow there will be almost melted.
I didn't get to see the movie, "Son of God," but I hopefully will soon.
I still suffer a lot; I know that I will always suffer-that is me, even my doctor says it is how I choose to go on. I miss him so much; I know reality, but I wish that this were days of miracles where God would resurrect him. He is part of me, and part of me went along with him wen he left here.

I'm glad you had a nice memorial and the day went well. Love, Elisa

Mar 08, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello everyone today is 3-8-14 which is officially 2 yrs. ago my husband went to better pastures. Yesterday 3-7-14 was the Veterans ceremonial, and it was beautiful. Only 5 of us really showed up including myself. The other 3 persons were actually 3 women who worked with my husband, and well his plaque & emblem were well put together. I am actually really like 35 minutes from the San Joaquin Valley Cemetery, and well one of the ladies who came with us, her brother was buried there as well. I asked Dorthy, look at this bother your brother, and my husband were born on the same date, but 20 yrs. a part, and they both died in the year 2012 except my husband in March, and her brother in August. I ask Dorthy, you were meant to come today, and well Caroline, which I call her CP worked close with my husband, and well she was so nice she rented a van, a classy van they picked me up, and well was a nice ride, plus the scenery was beautiful, we passed Casa De Frutas, the Dam, and ocean the trees sheep, cows, like in the country really serene, and afterwards like 15 minutes from there we went to visit Dorthy's burial ground where her parents and another brother were buried. I guess it was the day of Ceremonials, but we all enjoyed the day, and Dorthy was a little kinda of tear dropper for the day, and I told her my husband came to let us know he like what I have done. Now when I go under there is where I will be next to my husband. Now the whole circle is complete regarding his funeral, ashes, veterans ceremonial is done. See you all this is how GOD planned it. I just follow his plan. On our way back we ate at a place where they have fruits, vegetables etc. and other stuff. Pretty good day. So far I am doing well, but they say when you hit the 2 yr. mark we tend to regress, and feel as though it was like yesterday. Well so far that hasn't happen to me yet. Has anyone out there experience this 2 yr. set back. If so like to hear your experience on this. Well GOD bless you all for now. The Lord is my strength.

Mar 06, 2014
Where are They?
by: Elisa

Dear Everyone,
If you're like me, and I think we all have these questions: where are our loved ones? I have been struggling with this a long time since my husband, Hugo, passed away.

Now with all the different forms of social media, the television shows with people who claim they speak to the dead, all the books about afterlife, heaven, etc., we don't know where to turn. I am always encouraged to turn to the "Book"--the Bible. Do I interepret or understand it? No, I am not a bible scholar.

But I do need answers because I have been struggling with the death of my husband of 44 years, and I admit that so far, I think I will spend the rest of my life missing him, and staying this way. People try to tell me it gets better, well, it's been 20 months since he left here, and it is not getting better. When I take a little step forward, I end up taking 10 steps backward, especially whenever things go wrong in our home, with my car, or with relationships. There is this insecurity that I never really felt before. I feel as though I am "different"--no longer a part of two people, but just me alone to face everything myself--he is not there for consultation, for doing the manly things that I can't do, and most of all he is not there when I wake up, and every morning, I still forget for that one instant that Hugo is not longer living here in this space we call life on Earth.

Where are our loved ones? I want to believe in the Heaven I read about--that they are still themselves, well, happy, and waiting for us. I want to believe it is not just a place of clouds, space, and spirits floating about. I want to believe that God made it like here, but a million times better. I want to believe that my husband has reunited with my parents, my relatives, his father and sister--all who have gone before him, including pets we had. That's where I want to know they are.

What do you think? I think that it is the only way I get through my crying, my pain, and my fears--I have many, mostly about what if I get really sick and he is not here by my side?

I hope someone will write back and tell me where Is Heaven, and how do they exist there?

Thanks. Love to all, Elisa

Mar 04, 2014
HOW DO WE DO IT?
by: ON MY OWN

we're on our OWN NOW AND HOW DO WE DO IT?
whether married or just engaged, or going out,
when our other half departs, how do we do it:
go out? eat alone, sleep alone, take care of your place alone, even get the car fixed alone?
That is on top of the crying pain we have 24/7.
How do we do it? I do not know how to cope and advice from non-widows doesn't help at all they steer me this way and that way. what do they know?
Are you scared? I am. Are you worried? I am?
Do you have nightmares? I do? Do you get mad?
I do. Do you beg for a sign? I do. Do you pray that they could some how come back to life? I do.

How do we do it? Everything I do has him there, but he's not there. I do it alone, no more two together.

How do you do it? I don't like to, I don't want to, I hate it in fact.

ON MY OWN

Mar 01, 2014
Weekends are the worst
by: Lost

On weekdays, I think he's just at work. Everyone is at work too. But on weekends, couples are out together; I'm alone here wishing my husband were too. They are the worst, and especially if you feel so sick in your heart and body. No one to cry to, to share with. I hate every day but I hate weekends the most. Death is the worst thing that can happen to a married couple.

Feb 27, 2014
poem for all
by: Anonymous

SAYS it all for all of us. Grief is yours alone; no one owns it except you. Anon.

Feb 24, 2014
When a known person dies...
by: Poetry for all, from Elisa

When you are somebody, the world grieves with you,
But when your beloved dies, there are only a few.
There are family, if you have any who care,
there are friends who promise to be "there."

But as time goes by, and you're still in pain,
Too many make comments, suggest, all in vain.
We are not ready to "move on" with our lives,
Why don't they just be happy they still have husbands and wives?

Do they understand how long our days have become?
Some days there are no calls, no emails from anyone.
Even if you keep "busy" doing boring things,
Your heart and your mind are on all the past things.
Memories come and they make you very sad,
Because you remember and want what you once had.
Nothing is the same, nor will it ever be.
We have to let go of the "us" and just be "me."

You miss a million things that you can't explain,
No one will think as deep as you do or feel your heart-wrenching pain.
They have someone to share the burdens of life,
All you have are worries, fears, loneliness and strife.

Get stronger, you wish you could, but how?
Read books, speak to clergy, maybe tomorrow, but not now.
Sometimes speaking seems to help for a while,
But for sure I know I for one will never smile.
If I do, it will be fake, not real or sincere,
because the love of my life is no longer here.

Love to all, Elisa (Hugo's wife)

Feb 22, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello again, "pain every second". Well you know that is sad, Well it is understandable that you feel this way, after all it is only 1 yr. Like I said I am into my 2 yr. next month, and well we just learn to live, and adapt with it. I am 50 yrs. old I know what you mean, sometimes people can say the most stupid, ignorant comments, People say like oh don't worry you will fine someone you are still young. Mostly people who make this comments, are not in your shoes, or walking your shoes. What is wrong with this people is that they fear, and don't know what to do with people like you and I, because they just don't know how to deal with people who are grieving. I say it is better to keep your comments to yourself, then open your mouth to say insensitive stuff like that, like if we are suppose to throw are memories, love, and what we are feeling out the window, as if throwing a paper plate, or some form of object out the window. My anniversary to my husband was in November, which would have been married 14 yrs. if he was still alive. Just try to have faith, hope, and start loving yourself, because there is no one else that is going to love you better than yourself, so that you can start the healing process. Don't get me wrong I am still grieving my husband, and I feel very close to him, because spiritually he is always around me. My husband was a very special man. He was a Rehab counselor for gangsters in particular, but counseled all sorts of pain. He did this for 40 yrs. and love life, and well the Lord took him, because it was his time. We are here on borrowed time, and when our number comes up, well that is when the Lord takes us back. I am still trying to fine my purpose here for the Lord, and I always ask the Lord what is my purpose for you now Lord. Part of it I know what it is, and part of it. I guess I will know when our Lord Jesus Christ let's me know. Don't say never, because GOD has a purpose for you here still, and until he says what, he is always in control of the storm, no matter what. I will pray for you, to fine courage, strength, to go forward, because that is the only thing we have to do, and trust me it is a long road ahead of us, but I keep going and try to be strong for my baby's meaning my dog/cat. They are the reason I am still standing, because they need their mama, and I need them. GOD will prevail, and will let you know what is your purpose still here on earth. My husband speaks to me through scripture, visits me by many forms and really read up on books of Grieving, Healing, Self Help, and something that will make sense to you. Now for now I pray that you get stronger through out the months to come. GOD bless you. The Lord is my strength.

Feb 22, 2014
to Lord is my strength and appshyl:
by: Anonymous

thank you for writing back on here about my pain. I am in my first year of this and stumbled on the site. My angel died from a tumor at 44. I am 43 and if anyone thinks i am even thinking about moving on and getting married again, they can think again. We were married 20 years of bliss and happiness, together always, had all in common, and needed one another a lot for many reasons:his family divorced, mine too. so we found each other to heal our pain.

I cry, eat, sleep, cry, look at photos, cry, and sleep hoping I will die too.

thanks for your words; i appreciate them, but nothing will help me now, maybe never.
Anon

Feb 22, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

To pain every second. Hello there pain every second. First of all I am sorry for your loss, what did your husband die from, and illness or what. For those people who tell you to fine a hobby, and or volunteer that's great and dandy, but sounds to me like they haven't walk your shoes yet. You need to grieve at your own pace, and disregard people, and or even family member's who are negative, and insensitive. They can even began to know the pain, and suffering you are dealing emotionally. I don't know if you are a believer or not, but you need to cast your worries of fear, anger, anxiety, and everything you are going through right now to the Lord Jesus Christ, and force yourself to ask him to help you heal that void you feel inside. It's not that you are in denial, or accepting his passing. You are numb, and probably still in shock of all of this, and all things coming running in your head, and no you are not crazy either. Been there, sounds like you are in the early stages of grief. You are angry, that is okay, it is part of grieving, and who are you mainly angry at. Example: I was angry with the doctors. I never was angry at GOD and I am still not, but when my husband died of CANCER Leukemia, which next month will be his 2 yr. anniversary. The doctors cared more about the insurance money, and how much they were going to milk it, even they milk it to his dying breath. Doctors what a joke they are, more like savages. If you are not getting any better with the psych try something different. Like a group therapy and there may be one where you reside, and call it is free to join. Go to the bookstore, read books on dealing with grief, THAT HELPS TOO. Try journaling and write about how you are feeling, and or what comes natural to you to put in journal. I go take walks in the beach, where my husband & I use to go. I go by myself, and by the way, he is always around my spiritually that is, and comes to visit me by scripture, and other ways. If you have children I suggest you start putting them 1st if they are young, because they need their mother, more than ever. If not, then you need to start taking care of yourself, health wise, eat well nourishing food, talk to people who listen to you, not command you to do this or that. you will start leaving better, after you start taking care of yourself first. Go to a church, and pray if that makes you more comfortable. Do what makes you feel comfortable, not what makes others comfortable. Well I hope you fine faith, hope, and peace within yourself. I and a lot of people here care how you feel. So for now just take it one day at a time. The Lord is my strength.

Feb 21, 2014
pain every second & all who have lost love ones
by: Appsphyl

I feel you pain and know what you are going through, all on this site know. My husband will be dead 19 months on the 12th of March and it is still hard to go on. He was never sick, just felt bad and about 3 on Sunday afternoon told me he loved me and died. Autopsy showed he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine. Never a pain or sickness. The first year all I did was sit around and cry and feel sorry for myself. I did ok when I was with people but when I was at home I did nothing but cry. A lot of my socalled friends were around for the first few months but eventually forgot me. I have several good friends that have been with me since Bill died and are still with me. I started volunteering with meals on wheels for the shut ins with one of my friends last month. It will take you some time and do it in your own time and don't let others tell you what you should be doing and how you should feel. We all are different and grieve in different ways. I don't know why Bill was taken from me, he was only 58 and a great person. I know the ones of us that are left God has a purpose in life for. What it is and when it will be I don't know and may never know. I still cry daily and still get angry and sad and will for quite awhile. All I know is my husband is in Heaven waiting for me and when that day comes I will so happy. Until then we must live our lives as we see it, not as others see it. No one can walk in our shoes. Just believe and know you will feel Peace. Love, Phyllis

Feb 20, 2014
my heart hurts every second
by: pain every second

my heart hurts so much every second of every day and every night since my husband died. i cannot tell too many people about this because they say to find a hobby or volunteer. how do i get interested n a hobby if i am so depressed? how do i volunteer when i cry and don't want to upset the person who needs help too?

does anyone know how i feel? i do not know what to do, i wander about like a robot, and i get awfully mad about him dying, and i am in some sort of denial, not accepting it. i see a pshych and he is no help.

i think i'll die having this pain in my heart.

pain every second

Feb 12, 2014
Where Are You?
by: I need to know

You're not here with me, but because you loved me so much I feel you are trying to break through the barrier:my sadness to tell me you went away, but a part of you will always be holding me.
So, Where Are You?
Help me to believe in a Heaven where the dreams you lost here you are living there, only a million times better. You live there, I live here, alone without you; I wait to die to find you, and you wait for me to find my way there.
So, I ask God to prepare a place for me, believing that Jesus is my Savior and will save me from my transgressions, knowing my heart loves, and prays He will welcome me home to be with the Father, Son, Holy Ghost, and you, my darling husband, together again. I must find my way through faith. I ask God to give me that faith and strength to figure out the plan.

I love you and will though I cannot tell you in person any more, but I believe you hear me, feel it, and believe it. I will watch for your embrace when it's my time to see the Light.

Forever yours, your Babe, Elisa

Feb 09, 2014
Lost Forever-anon
by: Elisa

The words lost and forever go together: we love forever, therefore, we are lost when we lose our forever loved one.

Pain, sorrow, loneliness, fear, anger are words that follow lost and forever. We will feel the pain, sorrow, loneliness, fear, anger forever, maybe some of us not always or as intensely as time goes on; and then for some of us, we will be lost forever in our grief.

Four words we all can be sure of and take consolation from: You are not alone.
You have our company, we are united by our tears and sadness for the loss of our husbands and our wives.

Love to all, Elisa

Feb 09, 2014
To the Lord is my strength
by: Appsphyl

I have been thinking of you more today than usual. It will 18 months since Bill died on the 12th of February. I still talk to him everyday and know he is with me, taking care of me and watching over me. I, like you, have met several good friends on this site, like you, Lisa, Nirmala.
We email each other often and know one anothers pain and grief. Things will never be the same, but for some reason our loved ones were taken and we were left. I don't know why and may never know, but we have to go on, knowing one day we will be with our loved ones again. That will be one wonderful day when we are united with our spouses again and will be together forever.
I know everyone on this site hurts and not sure if you can go on, but you can. It is hard and some days seems impossible, but with believing we will be able to make it. Just remember all the wonderful memories you shared and talk to them and cry when you need to. I talk to Bill everyday and I am sure he gets tired of it, but I will keep talking and telling him how much I love him and what a great person he was and I can't wait to be with him again.
All take care and remember our loved ones are looking over us and will take care of us.
Love, Phyllis

Feb 09, 2014
To The Lord Is My Strength" Anonymous
by: Elisa (Lisa)

Dear The Lord Is My Strength,

I went on here this morning, and I could not believe what you wrote: For the first time since my dear Hugo died, I think he visited me at 1 a.m. this Sunday, February 9th; just like you said your husband visited you in the bookstore.

And then when you wrote about coins, this morning (Sunday) Feb. 9th, I looked down and on the rug in our bedroom was a nickel. I never bring my wallet near that part of the room; and so, maybe Hugo left it when he "visited" me.

I am going to pray on the day of the Veterans memorial, for you and your husband.

I am not getting on well at all; I miss my husband so much. I have been naively thinking he could come home because I am so lost without him, every second of every day and night.

I often write by email to some of the ladies I met on this site. I also check the site pages like "their space," and "your space," and many new widows and widowers leave messages. I write letters about and to Hugo there too.

God bless, and what you said and what I encountered cannot be just a coincidence. Reading your message makes me believe I did have a sign/visit from my beloved.

Love, Lisa - Hugo's devoted wife

Feb 09, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello everyone, for those who have met me, before like Lisa, Phyllis, and well who know me by "The Lord is my strength" well today is 2-8-14, and it is exactly 1 yr. 11 months, my beloved husband passed away of Leukemia, and well I know he is always around me, as a matter a fact he visited me yesterday, in the bookstore, and here was this man, whom I sat next to kinda, and I had to turn to look at him, because the only thing that look similar to my husband was his beard, and the old man smiled at me with like a friendly smile, but I know my husband was letting me know he was there, and I don't know if you all know that when you fine a penny, nickle, dime or any coin of such, that your love one is letting you know he is there present with you. I read this in an Angel book, and somewhere else, well I was going back to my truck, and there was a dime, which I didn't see it when I got off the truck, so there that was letting me know it was him, and finally I also received the paperwork, and stuff from the Veterans, letting me know that what looks to be that they are honoring the Veterans @ at San Juaquin cemetery in 2-24-14, but I will officially be doing his ceremonial on his 2 yr. anniversary in March 7, 2014, on a Friday, because the original date is 3-8-14, but they are closed on Saturday. See what I mean how the Lord works it's plan with us. I am going to call them Monday, to make sure his plaque is ready for that date. Anyway folk I hope all of you are doing a little bit better, and for those who just begun their grieving process my thoughts of peace be with you all. Just want to share this with you all. The Lord is my strength.

Jan 15, 2014
Lost forever...
by: Anonymous

Will I feel lost forever without my husband?
I do now and worry I will never be able to even fake a smile again. I miss him a lot, and I can't get on with anything without him.
When will I be able to face the fact he is gone?

Jan 10, 2014
The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa (Hugo's wife).Alone

Dear The Lord is My Strength,

I'm sorry you are not feeling well and I will pray to God to heal what it is that is causing this one day OK, one day, not.
I am glad that your dear "Bubbus" will get his due honors, plaque, etc. I still have not had anyone place cement for my Hugo's Vietnam War plaque that the wonderful (ha, ha) government/army sent to him after he passed. When he returned home from that war, he was not treated well, but he ignored it, moved on and made a success of himself--I'm not referring to the monetary sense, I am referring to Hugo being a good man, citizen, honorable, kind and took care of me and my parents with all his heart.

I miss him more than ever, as you see by my posts, and naively, I wait for that Miracle that isn't coming, but I hang on to it. Everything reminds me my strong Hugo is not here to take care of things.
I do my best.
Well, I don't give advice because I wallow in sadness, not pity, but plain sadness and loneliness. I still ask why, and I still just exist. Maybe one day I will realize that Hugo is OK and in a happier place, but for now, I keep thinking he didn't want to go,and thought they say once with God, never want to come back here; however, Hugo left "worried" about me. That upsets me, and I get upset that he is not living here where he loved it and was proud of it.

Hope you feel well by the time you read this.
Love, Elisa - Hugo's Babe

Jan 09, 2014
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

I know what you mean Elisa. Today marks exactly 1 yr. 10 months my beloved "Bubbas" has passed over, but every 8th of the month I watch the CD Wayne tribute, that his homies, messes, recorded the funeral and honers. I really miss him alot now I am working on having his emblem be put on his marker, and on the 7th of March he will have his Military honers, and finally his plaque, which he so respectfully deserves. I have to do it on the 7th of March, because they are closed on Saturdays, and Sundays, so even though his anniversary of 2 yrs. will be on March 8, 2014. I just want to let you all know I know how you all feel, right now I am really under the weather. I don't know what happen. Okay yesterday, and really sick today, I hope my handsome man is seeing, this, oh I know he is. Well GOD bless to all of you suffering souls, who your love ones have passed on, but some day soon, we will all join together with them in heaven. Until then The Lord is my strength.

Jan 05, 2014
To My Hugo...
by: Elisa

Dear Babe (Hugo),

Holidays are over, but it doesn't matter whether there is a holiday, birthday, or whatever, I miss you with the same pain each and every day and night. You know everything, so I don't have to say it here. I love you and miss you so much.
Love your wife forever, and hope I'll be with you, Mom & Dad soon. Elisa

Dec 19, 2013
all who have lost loved ones
by: Appsphyl

I have not written on this site for awhile, but felt today that I needed to say hello to all who have helped me over the past 16 months since I lost my husband, Bill. I have met some very good friends on this site and they have helped me to realize that we all grieve for our loved ones, but we all do it in our own way and time. For some reason this year seems to be harder to deal with then last year, maybe it is because I am finally realizing Bill will not be back with me.
We had a wonderful 31 1/2 years together and the last 3 we were both retired and had a great time.
He was only 58 when he died and had never been sick a day in his life. He just went very suddenly and I had no time to prepare for his loss. His last words to me were "I love you" and I am thankful I was with him. The autopsy showed he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine which cut off the blood supply to his heart and his heart just gave out. He always told me he was ready to go whenever.
I know that Bill and all our loved ones are in Heaven and enjoying life with no pain or sickness. We are the ones with the pain we must have faith and believe so we can be with them again. I see Bill with all our cats that have died and he is having a good time with them. I, too, have my cats here that help me a lot.
My family and friends have helped me a lot and of course my Appalachian State Family. Bill and I never missed a football game in our 31 years and it was really hard for me last year to go back to the games, but my "family" at ASU were there for me. Part of Bill's ashes are on the football field where we had a wonderful ceremony with our "football family".
The reason I am talking about this is because you have to get out and go and do. Never ever forget your loved one, but they want you to go on living. You would want your loved one to go on with life if it had been you that died. (I am talking to myself here also).
I have met many good friends on this site and continue to email 3 of them and I feel we have become close.
All I can say is to do what your heart tells you and follow it. One day we will all be with our loved ones again and be truly happy, but till then we must count on our memories to help us through. I still cry every day and still get angry on why God took Bill, but there was a purpose and one day I will find out why, just like all of you will.
If any of you want to email me personally, just scroll back on this site and you can find my email.
Wishing all of you the best of Holidays and hope all have a good 2014 and know that all our spouses love us and are taking care of us. Remember, they know how much we miss them and the pain in our hearts, but they are not so far away and we really aren't apart. Remember they have sent us a special gift from heaven and that is a memory of their undying love. Love is the gift more precious than gold and we must hold that in our hearts till we are with our loved ones again.
Love, Phyllis

Dec 18, 2013
Mischelle, Mtn. City, WI
by: Anonymous

Dear Mischelle,

I have not seen a post from you in a very long time and am wondering how you are doing since your husband, Bill, passed away. His lovely picture with the "big catch of fish" is still on the web page.

I am not doing well, especially around the Christmas season. I miss my husband very much; and I wonder how other widows cope with the heartache. Mine is just unbearable all the time.


Dec 04, 2013
CHRISTMAS IS CHRIST'S BIRTHDAY...
by: Anonymous

TO ALL WHO GRIEVE THIS CHRISTMAS;

IT'S CHRIST'S BIRTHDAY, SO KNOW YOUR LOVED ONE IS IN HEAVEN WITH HIM CELEBRATING HIS BIRTH.


Dec 02, 2013
To: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Elisa (Lisa) Hugo's wife

Dear The Lord Is My strength,

I just read your long reply to me; thank you. Yes, I believed before, but I got so angry, and my family let me so down that I guess I said to myself, what is going on, and I said why are they so happy, together, and I am not; and one sister seemed to turn on me after my husband died. I have learned a lot through the therapist I see, through reading the bible, talking to God, and talking to Hugo. I had to learn at my own pace, the hard way; I realize that I let people who are cruel have power over my heart; no more. I guess it took all the grief about his death, and then them piling more on me (I did not deserve it because I did--I would have realized it was me, not them.) Anyway, I'm just angry that Hugo was taken because I wanted him to share things with me a little longer, long enough for his plans and dreams to come true.

I'm strong in that I will not let anyone tell me what to do or how to feel.

Unfortunately, in the 40 years I have lived in this area, I never had this to happen to me. I was bitten by a tick that carried Lyme and Babesiosis. For about 7 months, I've suffered--people don't know much about Lyme and the co-infections, but believe me, it is a bad illness, difficult to treat, and no cure. It was messing up my digestive tract (including the antibiotics I had to take), and it got into my nervous system, my brain, and all over. I was stumbling when walking, etc. I cried every day for 5 months, in pain, discomfort, etc. I begged God for help, to take me because the agony was too much.
Your husband really helped a lot of "lost" people, and through that, you will be blessed because of his goodness and yours.

Thank you. Elisa

Dec 01, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Lisa, or Elisa we have met, and I know your situation, because at the time I believe you, Phyllis, and myself, had just been newbies to this sight, but listen you were meant to see this sight, because maybe just by reading my posting. I believe the Lord was also speaking to you, and yes, so was my beloved husband. He is always around me, and is still doing his work, through me, we of course GOD is involved as well. See I believe you didn't believed and had a very strong opinion of NOT believing in the Lord almighty, but by reading your post, it shows that GOD, and my husband's spirit has planted his seed on you as well. I am glad, because you are now reading scripture, Bible, and he is speaking to you through scripture, that is where he is working with you, and I know Hugo is right there taking you by the hand to reach you this way. I just know, because he knows how painful, and how much you have suffered through all this, but Lisa if it is any consolation to you, everybody grieves differently some get stronger faster, and others just learn by more pain. You state you are in alot of pain, and for the last 7 months with an illness. Well just pray to Jesus let him know to put his hands on you to cure, whatever the illness is, and tell "Jesus" to cover you with his blood, and continue to read scripture, and you will eventually get strong. I believe you are in your way to healing right now. Don't worry about how long this will take, once again we all grief differently, and you will over come this. If some people say nasty things to you. Just say you are grieving as fast as you can. They are not in your shoes, or walk your shoes, because they haven't been there yet, even though I don't wish this on anyone, not even my enemies. Yes my husband, taught me so much, with his line of work, plus that is how I met him. He worked in the Jails, and I worked as a secretary to Captain, and Lieutenants, see how the "Lord works in us, and how he plans things. I will always be grateful that the "Lord" put my husband in my path, because I always will have his memories, and his heart in me, and he took my heart with him, but he would say to me just keep going peanut, I will always be by your side, and he is. I know I will meet up with him, when my calling comes. Just be strong, and stay strong Lisa. I know you can do it. Well I will write to you soon. GOD bless, and The Lord is my strength. Oh one of the best scripture my husband used to say. "Greater is he who is in me, than he is in the world, no weapons form against me should prosper, because the Lord triumph in me. I live you with a blessing in Jesus name.

Nov 30, 2013
TO: the Lord Is My Strength...
by: Elisa (Hugo's wife)

DEAR THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH,

YOU GAVE VERY ENCOURAGING WORDS TO STRUGGLING WHOM YOU REPLIED TO. I JUST READ IT. I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THIS SITE FOR A WHILE, BUT CHECKED IT OUT A WEEK AGO, AND SAW WHAT STRUGGLING WENT THROUGH.

YOUR FAITH IS SO STRONG; I AM ASHAMED TO SAY, I AM NOT IN THE SAME PLACE, BUT TRYING TO GET THERE. I PRAY TO GOD, I READ A LOT OF SCRIPTURES ON LINE, BIBLE, LOOK FOR ANSWERS. I JUST KEPT FEELING AND STILL DO, THAT HUGO WAS TAKEN BEFORE HIS TIME, AND OTHERS HAVE SO-CALLED "COME BACK" AND I THOUGHT GOD WOULD SEND HUGO BACK.

I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN, AND FOR 7 MONTHS I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH AN ILLNESS, BUT I AM TURNING THE CORNER.

I BELIEVE THAT YOUR FAITH AND DEEP BELIEF ARE WHAT GETS YOU THROUGH. I HOPE I FIND IT SOMEWHERE BECAUSE THERE WERE DAYS I WILL ADMIT, AND GOD KNOWS, I WANTED TO END IT ALL. GOD GAVE ME A GIFT AND A REASON, I DON'T KNOW IT, BUT I JUST HATE THE FACT THAT I LIVE AND HUGO IS NOT LIVING HERE WITH ME. ANGER IS WHAT I MUST GET THROUGH.

MAYBE WHAT YOU SAW YOUR HUSBAND DO SO HUMBLY TAUGHT YOU TO BE SO STRONG.

ANYWAY, JUST THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT I KNOW YOU WERE A HELP TO STRUGGLING, AND I HOPE SHE CAME BACK TO THE SITE AND READ OUR MESSAGES TO HER FOR HER AND HER SON. ELISA HUGO'S WIFE FOREVER

Nov 29, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hi struggling, I know is to early in the stages for you, but if it is any consolation to you. You are lucky for one thing, you have a son, and yes his not going to know his father, but let me tell you, his father lives in your son, at least every time you look at that little boy, you will see your husband in him. You and your son are not alone, the spirit of your husband lives around you. I don't know if you are religious or not. I am, but I have spiritual, but the only way you will survive his loss is by starting to get closer to the almighty GOD, Father, Son and the Holy spirit or Holy Ghost. 3 things to do and remember start having Faith, Hope, Love, because you need to be strong not only for yourself, but for that baby boy, who is depending on your strenght, and the only way you will get it and survive is through the Holy spirit who lives in every one of us. We are also born with 2 guardian angels. Mine are very powerful, as a matter a fact one of them is the Arch Angel Michael & the other one is Arch angel Gabriel. I know right now you feel lost, angry, num, and beyoung yourself. My husband died of Lieukimia cancer, and was mis diagnose, and well his been gone 1 yr. and 8 months ago, next month will be 1 yr. and 9 months, but we will never be the same, that is for sure, but trust in the almighty, because he will pull you through, that is if you believe and keep the faith, remember now "struggling" you must do this especially for your little boy, because he is counting on you, and your husband's death was a tragic one, but the Lord took him, maybe because he didn't want you to suffer seeing him this way, and or in a coma perhaps. There is a reason for everything, and the Lord is the only one who has our plan. We don't make the plan or our destiney, it is plan by GOD because he is in control, only him. I know your pain, and it is very fresh, but you will over come this, but you must belief, and build your strength for your little boy. He comes 1st now. I will keep writing, but check me out I go by the "Lord is my Strength" my husband was a very loving, caring humble man, and he knew everythng about pain, because he was a legacy in the work he played here on earth, when he was alive. He was a Rehab counselor for 40 yrs, and especially for gangsters, was his specialty. Keep reading my posting, back I started posting here since January of 2013 Listen I am going to live you with a prayer. May the Lord keep his hand on you, and your baby boy, because he will cover you with his blood, as he died for all of us in the cross. You will figure it out. Belief in him. He has plans for you, you will get stronger through out all this. It doesn't make sense, but you will. GOD Bless you and your little boy. The Lord is my Stength"

Nov 28, 2013
To: struggling/anonymous
by: Elisa (Hugo's wife)

Dear Struggling,

My heart goes out to you and your newborn son; I am very sorry. I truly understand every single feeling, fear, loneliness, everything you are feeling and going through. I was married 40 years more than you--but it doesn't matter--44 years, 4 years, 4 days; when we love someone and lose them, we are forever lost because they were part of us, every breath we take, we take for them: that is the only way I've gone on. If you scroll through this page, you will see many messages from me as Lisa, or Elisa and you will understand how deeply I feel my pain in my broken heart, and know how you feel. It is frightening, lonely, sad, and today is Thanksgiving, and I am spending it without my Hugo who loved this holiday.

There were days I wondered how I got through, I felt so sad, depressed, and physically sick, very sick. He was my heart, soul, my life. We had no children, and I am virtually alone because I do not have a family who understands--they live in their own world even though my husband and I gave to them over and over.

Some days I believe, others I get angry for him being taken. But there is nothing left but to believe in something. It is so cruel that you are left with your dear son to grow up without his Daddy, but I cannot answer why these things happen, only to say the good die young.

I hope you write again, and I will answer, I answer everyone: you see, too may people are too busy for us because they don't understand, it hasn't happened to them.

Love, Elisa - Hugo's wife forever

Nov 24, 2013
struggling
by: Anonymous

i lost my husband on 10-14-2013 he was only 35. we were only married 4 years but we were barely starting our life together and we just had our first child in june 2013. im lost, i have no idea what to do. he was killed in a truck driving accident. i feel robbed and my heart hurts for our son to never get to know his dad :( i have no idea to get through this. i love him dearly and feel we were suppose to grow old together. jus barely gettin through the day

Nov 11, 2013
Dear Mo
by: Elisa

Dear Mo,

You took your pen, and you wrote everything I've been feeling and then some. I was beginning to think I was the only widow (hate that name) who felt so deeply about every single thing about my husband of 44 years. I am still in shock that my vibrant husband is gone; in the beginning, a month after he died, I still waited for him to come home, knock on the side door. I still do. I beg God to send him home where I feel he belongs--he was taken away from me, I believe, at a time that was not to be, and he knew I'd be lonely, alone, sick, overwhelmed. I am physically sick, mentally upset to the point I have a lot of nervousness, anxiety, pain in my heart, and I am inconsolable. Friends and family think I'm supposed to be OK now that 15 months have gone by,but it feels like only 15 minutes since my dearest love stopped breathing in my arms. That lousy cancer took him--he was strong, always on the move-working hard, doing things, especially for me. We were attached at the hip except for when he was at work. I met him at 17, he was 18. I have no children, so I'm really lost. He knew I would be, and he tried so hard to live that night he died. I think of him 24/7, every second, no matter where I am, and just like you--even on the toilet, in the shower. I can't concentrate on anything or anyone. I go out only to shop for food, pay bills at the p.o., and that's it. I depended on him so much because he was so kind, dependable, and did everything so well. I can't take care of things like he did.
The word "miss" as in miss him, is not good enough to describe how my heart, mind, soul misses him, everything about him. I will not move anything from our bedroom the way it was that lousy night he died, and I will not touch anything in his garage, basement--all his beloved tools that he used so well. I hate my life; I hate the holidays coming up--he loved Christmas and begged me to put up the tree a few months before he died--he said, "It's going to be my last tree, let me put it up." He was weak, but I gave in, and it was his last tree. He knew he left me very heartbroken, deserted, alone, and I knew he worrried about that. I want signs from him, but haven't gotten one--I need to know he still loves me, sees me, is waiting for me.
Some days, I admit, I ask God to take my life, or I try to think of how I can die to be with God and with my husband. I hope Heaven is where we are truly re-united like we were here--but I'D RATHER HAVE HIM COME HOME TO ME, OUR HOUSE, THE GIRL AND HOUSE HE LOVED.

LIFE IS NOTHING NOW. I EXIST LIKE A ROBOT,

ELISA

Nov 06, 2013
-my sadness for you not having time together in marriage
by: mo nonymous

Can't imagine not having the many years of marriage I had.
you were married in God's eyes and before it began he was gone!what a tragedy. Yes you have family who are close and good to you, but he is not here for you to love, plan life's little things together, which is fun and sharing. It is in these little things we enjoy each other's creams and hopes. The hope is gone. The dreams are shattered! It is too much to take.

I shared 42 years and had his love for all that time. You have been cheated out of happiness. How do you start again to enjoy life? No matter how old you are you are a widow.

My heart goes out to you. You carry his name and now he's dead. The word gives shivers. Memories are allwe have. Keep talking to him. Write to him and pour your heart out. It is unbearable.
I am lucky for the years I had. it' so beautiful you were married and heard his loving vows. It chills me the to death do us part. You parted as you began married life.

I can relate to your loss, but not to the short, abrupt togetherness you had.

The journey ahead will be long and painful, but we had lovely men who loved ud. They will still live us. Love will never die.

affectionately Mo

Nov 05, 2013
I absolutely relate to you.
by: Kristina

My situation was/is somewhat different, as my husband died suddenly of a heart attack, one week after our wedding, and I was not with him when it happened. But the loss and the pain is the same, and I absolutely do relate to you.

My sister is wonderful too, as are my brother-in-law and my parents. It helps a tiny bit, but nothing can really touch the pain and the desire to be with him, rather than stuck here, trapped in this life I no longer want.

Your post was beautiful and eloquent. I'm sorry your husband died. I'm sorry my husband died. I hope there is an afterlife where each of us will be reunited with our soulmate husbands and will be happy again.

Nov 05, 2013
My dear lovely, funny, dependable Tom
by: Anonymous

Tom died in April 2912. He had terminal liver cancer. Tom did not smoke, had been a healthy sportsman and worked until he was 66, Tom died at age 68, I was sitting here in my lounge crying. I was yearning to see his kind eyes , broad chest , shapely physique, strong hands and funny ways. Tom was that no more. I watched him lose all his strength to weakness and wasting. He never complained and faced his cancer with courage.
When I think back to the diagnosis, the chemo, the radiotherapy, loss of balance and eventually brain tumours, I often wonder how I kept up my strength . I did it all for him. I went religiously to hospital, nursed him at home, but Tom had told GP he wanted to die in the hospice. He was in the hospice 3 weeks. I was by his side to the end. My lovely, strong , funny ,dependable Yom.
My heart is broken. I feel physical shocks when I suddenly realise he's dead. He was my rock, my man, my friend, the father of my children and grandad. I hate this life and the word widow. Some family members never ask me how I am. This hurts, I die inside for my grief to be acknowledged. I have learned to accept this, but I cannot comprehend it as I see it as cruel. However, one sister is amazing. I can phone her , pour my heart and soul out to her. She is flummoxed at others behaviour, I write to Tom. I tell him what is going on in my life and how I love him more after death. Tom knew me inside out. He cherished me and I was loved. I want him back. I cry out ' I've had enough Tom' . I cry in the car in the garden in my bed, on the toilet. He is in my everything. I ask him to help me. I tell him I don't want to make him sad. I ask him if he's happy. I ask him to send signs by angels. I'm so alone. My stomach turns, I feel sick. I want to yell come back Tom. I have done this. He won't come back. I looked out the window at all the men returning home and Tom did not come back!!
This longing is perpetual. I want to be held and feel safe. I want to feel joy. I want to be listened to even if I talk rubbish and nonsense.tom would do that and let me be me. I'm not me anymore. I'm this woman who yearns, cries, feels alone and is sensitive to everyone's hurt. Do they mean to hurt me when they brush off my remarks searching for solace.
Oh I don't know. This is a new kind of living. I'm not protected.i'm wide open to hurt.
A life of this is unbearable. I'm off for my first holiday. It is a cruise to Portugal andSpain with my daughter on 16 nov for 8days. I will miss Tom every minute,but I must try to live a life for him.
I keep recalling his thin legs and weak body. That was my Tom. The house has no heart. The centre is gone. He did say I would falter. I try not to, but I am.
These are my thoughts tonight. The crying has stopped. I go to bed alone. He will give me a sign. All I want is for him to let me know he us ok.
Rest my darling. I am still now. Whoever reads this. I do hope you can relate to me.

Love to all Mo

Nov 04, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

To each husband/wife is special. Hi there I go by "The Lord is my Strength" it has been a while since I been here, but I understand exactly what you mean. My husband will be 1 yr. 8 months gone on 11-8-13 I celebrate his day every month, but I do Know the pain. My husband died of Leukemia, was mis diagnose. 1st they said Lymphoma, but ended up dying of Leukemia. I am not mad at the Lord,but I am still angry with the anus doctor He was mostly concern about his title, then the life's of all this people who are dying of some form of cancer, but it is a tough one. My husband was a legacy in itself, he saved life's by the way. Was a rehab counselor particularly for gangsters. 40 yrs. he did this, and the Lord gave him a task, and did it with so much grace. He actually uses me of course by the Lord Jesus Christ, through me as an instrument, to still do his work down here through me. His spirit is always around me, but yes sometimes I wish the Lord will end this ugly world we live in. I called hell, rather be up there with him, but it's not are calling. The Lord will take us on his own terms, and his time. I hope you are doing well. Don't know much about you, but you can go all the way back from January 2012 so you can read my postings of my beautiful husband, who was such a legacy in itself. He died on 3-8-12 I will try to go here sometimes to check new comers, widows like myself.
Well for now may you be at peace, and always remember the Lord is our salvation, and have faith, and hope, because that's all we can do now. The Lord is my Strength

Nov 03, 2013
all who have lost loved ones
by: Appsphyl

I lost my husband almost 15 months ago and it is still very hard for me to believe he is gone. Unlike most of you writing on this site, my husband had never been sick a day in his life. We were married almost 32 years and had many many years of fun together. He had a pain in his stomach on Friday and then it was gone, and he did not feel well Sat or Sun. About 3 Sunday afternoon, he told me that he felt like he was going to throw up, and tried to get up but couldn't. I called 911 and in less than 5 minutes they were at my house, when they drove in the driveway, I told Bill to hold on that EMS was here, he looked at me and said "I love you" and was gone. It took almost 4 months to find his cause of death. He had a hernia wrapped around his small intestines which was cutting off blood supply to the heart and his heart just stopped. I still feel the pain and miss him so much as I know all of you do your spouses. If it was not for my friends and family I don't know what I would do. Plus we were very active in College football and the hardest thing for me to do was to go to the first home football game after Bill died. The people were great and made me feel so good and on Sunday after the Saturday night game, we did a memorial service on the football field and scattered his ashes on the field. So now when I go to the games, I know he is there cheering his team on.
We must all keep our memories and remember our loved ones and know we will be with them one day. That is what keeps me going, knowing that one day I will be with Bill again.
It is harder some days more than others, but I still talk to him and know that he knows how much I love him and I know how much he loved me/
Hope all can relate and keep your memories alive and in your hearts.
Peace be with each of you.
Love, Phyllis

Nov 03, 2013
Each husband/wife is special...
by: Anonymous

Have you ever sat still and deeply thought, "I cannot believe (he/she) is not here anymore."?
I do that a lot; I keep saying to myself, why did he die now? I keep thinking he wasn't meant to die until an old age, and I think about how vibrant he was until he was told he was sick with a horrible cancer--a shock to me, but a worse one to him, we never expected that diagnosis. No signs, just suddenly. So, I sit alone a lot and I think I will try to envision him when he was alive, and I can't. Why not? I don't know.
I keep typing into google, "Would God ever return anyone if He felt they must go back?" We look for anything to comfort us. I can't stand the idea that he is dead-I hate that word. Where does it come from? Years go by so quickly, and you think you'll have 20 or 30 more, then, just like that you are a widow/widower, and that person attached to your hip is not there. It's like you lost part of your life. Some days, I don't want to believe it, can't grasp the entire concept, and i get very angry.

I also wish the world would end, so I could go to my Lord, and my husband and all my loved ones; I say this because it's better if that would happen and allow me to go, than to take my life--which crosses our minds--don't say it doesn't. Well, maybe not all of your minds, but I will admit, I sometimes want to just get out of here.

I miss him so much; and I hope he isn't sad he is away from me. Anon.

Nov 02, 2013
All Souls Day
by: Anonymous

Nov. 2nd was All Souls Day. It's a time when we clean the graves and markers of the departed at the cemetery. A day where the people come to pray as a whole and mass is held as we remember our loved ones. I pray for your loved ones, too, but most especially for all of us widows and widowers. I pray that our grief dims and our love and forgiveness for others grows stronger. I pray that our life will be filled with happiness or contentment and if it is not, I pray that we do not give up on God to bless us with it in the future.

My husband passed away 3 years ago. I can't believe it has been that long. We were together for 21 years. I allow myself days to let go (at least once a month) and my grief is deep, but then I ask God for help during that time. He never fails to help me. It may sound weird, but this grieving process has made me become stronger. Stronger in mind, stronger in spirit, and stronger in faith. i still have things in my life that I need to overcome, such as bringing myself to go to the cemetery to see my honey. I went all the time the first year, but after that it pains me greatly. I know he would be laugh at me for being this way. So one of my life goals is to gather the courage within the next month to visit my husband and to keep visiting him. Well, thank you for listening and I pray that God brings many blessings to your lives. Stay strong!

Nov 02, 2013
where have all the widows and widowers gone???
by: Anonymous

I often think about the days we wrote to one another, and I often pray for all of us, we each grieve differently, but the pain is the same-deep, penetrating, never ending.

I've read some books about Heaven and I truly hope that the authors are right because then it will be so much better than here and God will be there and all the saints, Blessed Mother, Jesus,
and our loved ones.

Let's pray that if we want to go soon, we will; if we don't mind waiting, then wait.

With love to all, and Melina, where ever you are:
we all love you.

Aug 21, 2013
appsphyl
by: Lisa

Dear appsphyl:


I already wrote to you about the 12th, but here I am again, to say I understand your feelings, your pain, and you know if anyone does it is I who do now especially all that you know that I'm going through. Missing my Hugo, and the other things.
Life is so hard, I don't know how to put one foot forward any more.

Thanks for listening all the time--you know what I mean. Love, Lisa

Aug 11, 2013
To: Hugo's Lisa, The Lord is my Shephard and all who have lost their loved ones
by: Appsphyl

I am asking each and every one of you to please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this next week. Monday, the 12th, will be the 1st anniversary of my husband, Bill, death. It has been a fast but very sad and lonely year as I know each of you have experienced. It has not gotten any easier and in a lotof ways still doesn't seem possible. I still look back on that day and wonder could I have done more, what did I overlook, why did he have to go. We had a wonderful 31 1/2 years together, but for me that doesn't seem enough. He was my life, my best friend, confidant, and the most wonderful person in the world. I have so many great memories of him and the things we did together and the places we went and my only regret is we didn't have more time together. I am very fortunate that we both retired 3 1/2 years before he died and we had everyday for the last 3 1/2 years together. We did a lot and I will always be thankful and grateful for all the time we did have together. He was my rock and my life and I am so looking forward to the time when I can be with him again and will never have to leave him. Thank all of you on this site for your comments and prayers over the past year. I really appreciate all of you and feel I have been very blessed to have friends like all of you.
God bless each of you and peace be in your hearts.
Love, Phyllis

Aug 01, 2013
THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH, ANON.
by: LISA

DEAR THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH, ANON.
I RECEIVED YOUR 29TH MESSAGE, TODAY AUGLUST 1.

IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT, SAD, DEPRESSING, AND I RELIVED EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY AND NIGHT HE PASSED.

I'M ALSO SICK, AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ON. I FEEL HOPELESS. I KNOW PEOPLE HAVE ADVICE AND GOOD INTENTIONS, BUT NOTHING CAN HELP ME AT THIS POINT--IT HAS BEEN GOING ON BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT HIM, BUT NOW IT IS WORSE WITH BEING ILL.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE AND FOR CARING.

LOVE, LISA

Jul 29, 2013
The Lord is My Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Lisa or Liz listen I just want to say my thoughts are with you today. I believe today is the 1 yrs. anniversary of your husband's death, and I know it can be easy. Even though it's 1 yrs. you probably feel like it was yesterday. Just know that my prayers are with you, and I do know how your feeling. Take care of yourself.

GOD bless for now.

Jul 17, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

This is for Anonymous. I couldn't agree more with what Appsphyl said. Very well said Appsphyl. No I am not a preist or someone to pentence, or confesion what you stated, but GOD forgives us for all of our sins. In order to live with the pain we are going through, we also need to ask GOD, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to come into our lives, and ask to help us on our daily trials, and tribulations. We have to have faith, hope, that he is there present with us. Because he is always with us. Sometimes we don't feel it, because your pain is still raw, and or just takes time, but I will tell you this much, we won't be or stay the same, our love one's are always watching over us too. Remember they are now in the thrown of GOD, and they are our angels to us now. In spirit. GOD bles you all.

Jul 17, 2013
To: Anonymous
by: Appsphyl

I read your post this morning and I do believe in heaven and God. Right now, I am angry, hurt and feel betrayed by God that he took my husband. I grew up in the Church and my husband and I are both Christians. God understands our pain and I know he forgives us for what we are saying and thinking now in our pain. My husband always told me he was ready to go whenever and he was a good man and a wonderful father and husband. Why he went I don't know, but I will find out one day when I am with him again. I wish I could be with him now just like all of you, but I think for whatever reason, God has a purpose for all of us. We just have to believe and have faith and know that God understands what we are going through and forgives us for our attitudes.
We all have pain and eventually that pain will lessen, not go away, but we have our great memories of our lives with our husbands and that is a lot to be thankful for.
God bless and peace be in your heart.

Love, Phyllis

Jul 16, 2013
to the lords my strength jly 16
by: Anonymous

I very much appreciate your words and those of appshel, no friend leaves a broken hearted miserable sorrowful confused person behind.

About what you wrote that your husband and Lisa's husband are around. I can't believe any of that stuff, and sometimes I watch the medium lady on tv, and it's all fixed. I think once dead, just buried, and gone, nowhere up there or anywhere.

I would like to ask you this, but not that you are the one to forgive or give out penance like the preists at confession, but what if I want to go wherever my hubby went, what will happen then, will i burn in h---? If i were sure of seeing my guy again, I'd take all the things to make it happen. So, does God forgive that?

Can't bear the thought of him not around anymore, what the heck was the purpose of him living to die like this on me? I'm becoming a worse person, cussing at God, etc. I hate this truism that my love of my life is gone for good.

Where is he? How do you know there is a heaven, you weren't ther.

anon

Jul 15, 2013
To The Lord is My Strength, Appsphyl, Anon,
by: Hugo's Lisa

Dear Friends always,
First, if you don't mind, it's going to be 1 year (I cannot believe it, it seems like 1 week) on July 29th that my beloved Hugo took one last breath in my arms.

Appsphyl (I know your name, of course, but for this blog, I'll keep it to what you use here)
I realize this is not email it is a grief blog.
The Lord Is My Strength: thanks for the scripture; I didn't misunderstand you; I'm just at that stuck place thinking that God will decide to perform a miracle, not that I think I am the only one who has asked, and deserves it, no by all means, many mothers are crying for their little babies who died; I had Hugo 46 years, they lost children. However, I am stuck. I really do not wish to live a long life--first, I want to meet up with Hugo sooner than later, and second, I refuse to burden anyone--even if I really don't think anyone will ever even want to be "burdened" -- my sister can't even take me telling her I cry or I have a stomach ache. That's another story...
So, I am at the point where many things have upset me beyond the total upset of his passing. I feel like a kick-around used-up toy. Shiney and bright before, but now, just a grief-stricken loner. I want so much to believe that Hugo is around me, and maybe when I think I'm lost or can't do something, maybe he has been there, and I just don't see it because I've got my head stuck in the past--where he was HERE, NOT THERE.
Maybe, it never crossed my mind because of his energy and his positive thinking and how he lived his life, that it was impossible for him to get that rare cancer. Too many what ifs. I will miss him, some days are very bad, others bad, and others bad, but I am distracted by physical pain, or other troubles. However, Hugo will always be part of me no matter what others say I should do or feel. One thing, I was never envious of others, even through hard times, or sorrow due to my parents' illnesses, Hugo and I could still do many things like travel, and just enjoy our lives as much as possible during circumstances when we both got upset or stressed, but now when friends tell me they are traveling here and there, etc., I must admit it hurts.

I don't want Hugo to see all my crying, hurting, problems, and maybe he does, maybe not; but how can I control my crying and my reactions to things, and my separation anxiety, and being just me, not 2, just 2?

Love to all, Hugo's Lisa

Jul 15, 2013
To:The Lord is my strength,Hugo's Lisa and where did all my friends go
by: Appsphyl

I know where all of you are coming from. The Lord is my strength has really helped me to try to come to grips with Bill's death. I am not saying it is easy because it is not. I still cry several times a day, every day and it will be a year on 8/12. My so-called friends who were there for about 2 weeks are no where around. I have one friend that calls me once a week and sometimes we go out to eat, and I have found several new friends who have lost their husbands over the past years. I agree, those that are not calling or not around anymore were never really your friends. I had one person that I thought was my friend and when Bill died she sent me a sympathy card and wrote in it, "you don't know how everyone hated what you and Bill had, well now you don't have him anymore". Nothing could have dug deeper in my heart.
Lisa, I know you are not feeling well and I am praying for you. You have become a good friend and I want you to know I will always be here for you.
Again, thank you to The Lord is my strength for being there also for me. It is wonderful to have friends who really understand what you are going through.
To where did all my friends go, let them go, if they were truly your friends, they would be understanding and with you. You have friends on this site and we are here for each other, so feel free to write us anytime and we will answer. None of us know or understand why our husbands died, but it has brought us all together and we will survive and become stronger.
I wish Bill was still here on earth with me, but he is in my heart and will always be a great part of me. Thanks to him, I am a stronger person and will survive no matter how hard it is. Also, like the Lord is My Strength, my animals get me through the day. When I feel down and cry, they are there to let me know they care and love me.
All take care and God Bless each and Peace be in your hearts.
Love,Phyllis

Jul 15, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Lisa, perhaps I didn't explain myself very well, but NO I don't mean it in the sense of physical, or emotional pain, but our love one's spirit does go to heaven, where now the spirit is in the thrown of GOD, but spiritually our love ones are around us, and when we pain, mourn and grief. Our love one's spirits are not at rest, because. Look at it this way, remember when you & Hugo got married, well in the eyes of the Lord you, became one with one another, and when he passed over part of you went with him, but what you and Hugo had, will always be there, memories, love for one another. I copy this for you, maybe you will get or understand it a little bit. It's okay to be honest. I am not here to judge you. I appreciate your response. See Roman 6:23, Revelations 21:4, John 14:2-3 I will pray for you, don't let the devil/Satan defeat you, his playing with your mine. His a liar, and preys on the weak, especially, cause he knows, your are weak right now. No I am not trying to be religious, but my husband too, went to Bible school, and in Canada he did for 4 yrs. I am telling you all this, because I too myself am learing all this things, because my husand visits me through scripture, and the Lord is always watching over us. I will pray that GOD gives you courage, hope, and faith to up lift you, because I know you are very much still in pain. We all are, but we all grief differently, and at a different pace. You take one day at a time, and take all the time, don't let anyone rush you, or tell you other wise. Just know that I am here for you. GOD bless you for now.

Jul 14, 2013
To the Lord is My Strength
by: H's Lisa

Dear Lord Is My Strength,

Just what I need, right now, The Lord

I read your last long message to me about our husbands feeling our pain. I don't know if I can grasp that for certain. Emotional pain, and physical pain

I will pray for all of you on here, and ask for your prayers for me, not being selfish, just being honest as I can be right now--I'm very, very physically sick.

Thanks, and love, H's Lisa

Jul 13, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Continuation ..........Part 2. One day they will. It is also a test for them to acknowledge if they have any sympathy, and or care for another human being, and 99% of the time the human being is the beast. That is why this world is the way it is. No body give a horses rat's a** if you are in pain or not. They are missing GOD in their lives. I don't know you, but focus in yourself for right now, and forget, about friends, and family that seem to be bothered by your pain. Obviously they don't have compassion if they did, the least think they can do is listen, but trust me. I know this, because, as least I know who my friends are, and family members too. Family is tougher, because in some sense they are your blood, but they are selfish, and inconsiderate, because they think, we should finish grieving. Just tell them you are grieving as fast as you can. Now I am being sarcastic, but at least I am honest. As time goes by you too will acknowledge this, and you will figure that out too. Now I am sending the light to all of you in pain, and focus on Jesus, and try to love yourself'. That is what I am trying hard to do to myself, because I am fighting for my life too on this earth, so called earth. I call it hell sometimes, but my babies dog/cat keep me going for now. GOD bless you all, till next time.

Jul 13, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

To Lisa, and where do all your friends go. I will start with Lisa. Have you read the posting I send to you like a few days ago. You and I have something in commend, and our husbands died of CANCER, yours pancreatic, mine Lieukimia of the blood. You know I notice now you are praying that's good, see the Lord had planted his seed on you now, so that being said, you just need to focus on Jesus, and take it one day at a time, second, minutes what have ya. I know Lisa it is hard, and over whelming sometimes, but in some sense we were the chosen ones. The pain we are enduring, is a pain I don't even dare on my enemies, but GOD has a way of trying to tell us something, and sometimes it's a test, and his test are not easy ones, as a matter of fact they are all painful, because his doing it so you can get stronger. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but just believe me when I tell you that he has a plan for each, and everyone of us, different for all of us. Just have faith, hope, tough words to live by, but you have to know his doing it for our well being. I too am still struggling with all of this, but I have to force myself to have faith, hope, and that he will direct me to that path, he wants me to follow. I am still trying to know what is my purpose here, part of it I know what it is, but I am still asking, because I am also confuse. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path. I believe it's in Proverbs. Anyway Lisa hang in there women. GOD is directing you, don't judge his way for you, ask him to give you strenght, courage for all this you are going through. If it's any consolation, my Bubbas is now with me, and I believe your husband is present too. He wants you to be strong for your own health. By the way they do get concern for us, because in some sense they know we pain, and know their souls pain for us as well. I tell you where all your friends go. In the 1st place if you haven't heard from them, that is because they were never a friend to begin with. They don't get it, and this includes family as well. The reason they don't get it is, because they haven't experience what we are experiencig, and they are selfish, self absorb, and it's all about themselves.

Jul 12, 2013
WHERE DO ALL YOUR FRIENDS GO?>>>
by: Anonymous

are you experiencing the same thing as i am now?
Friends there for a few days or weeks, and after 6 months or so, GONE WITH THE WIND. Where are they who promised to call, keep up with me, how am i doing without my husband, etc. No, just like family members, they don't get any of this grief thing at all. They are awol, mia, everything--just missing. i feel like a pyria, or an albatross around their brain-- they don't get any of the hurt, loneliness, sorrow, problems, etc., that we all face because of our spouses dying.
they don't feel it, so I can't blame them, but have some heart. If they cared, they'd be at my door or on my phone, right?

So, we live in our world of broken hearts, tear-faced cheeks, solemn faces, darkness, and that separation from the one we loved the most in the whole world. We understand it; they won't until they find themselves visiting this website some day.

anonym.

Jul 10, 2013
To everyone
by: H's Lisa

Dear Ladies,

I think about all of you, these past 4 weeks have been very difficult for me, worse than ever before. The 1st year anniversary of H's death is coming up on 29th of July. But that isn't why; I am just hurting, unable to face this reality of him being dead (hate that word, but it's what it is-dead). I can't process it any more, I can't deal with it; all day and night I am hurting very badly.

I don't know what I want to do, but I know I want to be with him. I hate the illness he had, what it did to him, and how he died. That picture never leaves my heart or mind, and watching him deteriorate has last a bad lasting impression on me that I can't believe how my husband changed from strong and vibrant, etc., to ruined by pancreatic/liver cancer. I hate it all.

I will pray for you and ask that you pray for me.
I just cannot take this anymore, and I need some answers or have to do something about it.

Love, H's Lisa

Jul 09, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Well Appsphl yesterday 7-8-13 was my husband "Bubbas" aniversay of 1 yr. 4 months, where did it go. I was blue yesterday, and a little today. I went to the church, where I normally light a candle for my husband, and yes he and the Lord made known their presence. So I feel a little bit better. Good for you. I will be thinking of you and Bill Friday. I'm pretty sure he will have a glass of wine with you too.

The Lord is my Strength

Jul 09, 2013
To:Hugo's Lisa, all my good friends
by: Appsphyl

Hope all is well with everyone. The 11th month of Bill's death will be Friday, 7/12. I am planning to go to the hotel we always went to for special occasions and have some wine and relax. I know we all do something different and maybe someday, we can all meet and get to know one another better.
Peace be with each of you.

Love, Phyllis

Jul 08, 2013
To all
by: Hugo's Lisa

dear all,



I hope you're all well, and I know we are all still in a lot of pain in our hearts.

Love, L

Jul 05, 2013
To: The Lord is my strength,Liz (Lisa), Joanie,Anonymous (Can't do it)
by: Appsphyl

Glad to hear from you. Lisa, Nirmala and I have been emailing each other. My email address is
phyllislehman@charter.net Hope to hear from you soon and let's catch up. Last night was bad for me watching the fireworks on tv. This time last year Bill and I were watching the fireworks and having a glass of wine, having no idea that in 6 weeks he would be dead. Boy, life sure throws you a curve ball when you are not expecting it.
Take care and write me soon.

Love, Phyllis

Jul 05, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Appshyl got your message on this site. Yes I would love to have your e-mail, so show me how. I have been in my lows lately like today, but I started praying, because I feel I haven't pray like I am suppose too. So yes my "Bubbas" came to be with me, and to let me know his right beside me. I am also praying some angel books, which are also very good, because I don't know if you know we all have 2 guardian angels, when we are born, and I also request their presence to have them speak to my love one, so the angels can connect me to him. GOD always has many angels for everything in our lifes, by the way. Anyway Yes Appshyl just get me your e-mail or show me how to get it. I guess hat is why you, lisa, and nirvan, don't come on this site, because you found a way to connect with each other e-mails. That's great good to kno. Awaiting your response back. The Lord is my strength.

Jul 04, 2013
To: Lisa
by: Appsphyl

Lisa, just checking on you. How are you doing?

Jul 04, 2013
To: The Lord is my strength and all my other friends
by: Appsphyl

It was good to hear from you. I have been able to communicate with Lisa and Nirmala via email. I would love to email you and talk with you about Bubba and Bill. I know that all of them are in Heaven waiting on us. I still have some bad days and cry more than others and still am angry at God for taking Bill. He was too good and maybe that is why he went, but it sure is a difference in my life since last 4th of July. We went to the mountains and had a picnic and just laid around and talked. This year I am talking to myself and yelling at God. I hope all of you have a good 4th of July, even though it will be difficult. Take care and peace be with each of you. "The Lord is my strength" please let me know if you would like to have my email address and I will let you know how to get it. I feel that you were put on this site to help me and others accept what has happened and become stronger together.

Love, Phyllis

Jul 02, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Lisa the last I seen anything written by you was 6-11-13. You have been in my thoughts lately, why? I really don't know, but I want to address what you wrote on 6-11-13. Please don't blame yourself on the what if's, or if only I could have, and this or that. I did that in the beginning myself, but as time has gone by, for me will be 1 yr. 4 months on 7-8-13. I blamed myself if only I could have stayed every night with my husband @ Standford Hospital, like you a holistic doctor, and this or that. Well let me tell you. You did everything possible that you could have done at the moment. I heared about the agent Orange too, and a veteran told me to get a hold of the VA in Palo Alto, as to maybe I can possibly collect like some compensation or something like that. Well I haven't yet, because I am to tired in the brain, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even though it has been a while, to us it will never be a while, but I can continue to pray, and ask GOD & ask my angel now my "Bubbas" to pray for me from the throne of GOD, because let me tell you. Right now I am feeling very confuse about lots of things. Like should I sell this house, where would I go if I do. I am barely starting to look for employment, at least part-time. No luck yet, but I hope something comes soon. I sometimes don't feel like being here, but since I am here. I have to do what ever he Lord has instore for me because, well to keep my mind busy how is the wheather over there. It has been really hot over here in california like in the 100's I feel like I am in Texas. I'm raise & bord in good old ELP Texas. You know I just found out my aunts husband died of some tumor in the brain last Fridy, but I wasn't very close to her, but either way when our love one die. It feels like we died right along side them. My other cousin his room mates uncle, and one of the children died too, drowned tragic accident. See every day we need to live like it was our last day, even though we carry our own pain new ones arise on someone elses family's. So for now just treasure the memories, because that is all we have to hold on too. GOD bless for now "The Lord is my Strength"

Jun 16, 2013
To appsphyl
by: Lisa

Dear Friend, appsphyl,

I didn't write on this page for a few days--been ill with things, and need to get to bottom of it all. Had a scare, and it's not that, but still need repeat tests. Suddenly, I have aching--thought it was antibiotics breast surgeon put me on--they were lethal, upset me a lot. But, I also had to have a lyme test (do you know about Lyme--it's from a tick bite, and we have a lot of deer that have ticks). I had terrible red swelling in breast area-scared me a lot. Long story short: went to pc, then mammo, sonogram, and Lyme tests. But the Lyme test was done, I think too soon because it came back negative, and that's because your body has to make antibodies, and she took the test right after I noticed the redness that was hurting so bad.

Anyway, it's 10 months for you, and the end of this month is 11 for me and July 29th is the dreaded year. It seems like yesterday, and I repeat it all in my head every day, sometimes all day long. I cry and scream too, but have no dogs to comfort me and tell me to stop. I am so scared, lonely, sad, miserable without Hugo. I go back and forth with the Heaven thing: and I think I've said this before, I can't wait, would rather Hugo come back here where I need him now, not when I go. And I don't want to live 5 or 10 more years, I just don't and don't think I can go on that long without him. The house is empty, means nothing to me, in fact, not one thing has a meaning.

Maybe, if you're up to it, it may be good to help out your friend. I know I could not do it. I don't like to dwell into the past. It hurts too much. I can't be among many people.

It's Father's day, though I was sick and exhausted, I went to the cemetery on Friday--long trip--I won't drive there alone, so I took the bus, then the subway, then a bus, then had to walk through the cemetery -- I get to Hugo's place first, then my parents' and then Aunt Mary's place. Then I walk back - out the gate, and get on a bus, back to the subway, back to the City where I catch the 2 hour bus back home. Very sad--I looked like a zombie all day long.

I feel tortured, worried, and I really am angry a lot lately. I feel my husband was snatched away, and he passed worried about me, our home, etc.
Family of mine, though treat royally by us, are never calling me much or not around--they leave me alone, thinking nothing of it. It adds to my stress and sorrow. But, all I care about is Hugo and is he sad he is gone?????Do you ever wonder about that about your Bill?? Please let me know that and other things so I don't think I'm crazy.
I think and feel so many things, and I feel sorry for him because I know he hated leaving me. He knew I'd be very, very lost. He's right.

Love, your friend forever, Lisa

Jun 12, 2013
To: Lisa, The Lord is My Strength, Anonymous
by: Appsphyl

I really wasn't sure if I could write today, as it is the 10th month anniversary of Bill's death and I was really dreading today. But out of the blue a girl that I graduated with and worked with for 25 years, called me this morning and ask me to go to the mall to walk with her and have lunch. I said no, but then for some odd reason said yes and it did make me feel better. Her husband was killed in a car wreck 22 years ago at the age of 45 on his way to pick her up at the airport from a business meeting she had been at. I know from seeing her at work after that how sad and unhappy she was and people didn't understand. She asked me today if I would help her and some others plan our 50th high school reunion for next year. I told her I would thing about it, not sure how I feel about it. Of course, I know if Bill has his way I will end up helping. Lisa, I know it is hard to have faith right now and believe me I am having trouble trying to figure out why God took Bill. My friend told me today that she felt that way for many years, but now can see that she has a purpose in life and told me that we all do. I really feel like God put us together on this site as he knew we needed each other to draw strength to carry on and our husbands probably had a hand in putting us together. I know that "The Lord is my strength" has helped me and I feel like she and I and you will all get through this and find our purpose in life since we were left to carry on. I have to go on for the sake of my animals and love them so much and they comfort me when I cry and yell. One will come and lay down beside me and lick my face till I stop crying. Sometimes, she bites me as if to say "enough now". I can see Bill, Bubba and Hugo sitting on a cloud talking to each other about us. One day we will be on that cloud with them and it will be great. What I think of now, when I get sad is that Bill is in heaven with all our beloved pets that we have lost over the years and he is taking care of them, just waiting for the rest of the clan and me to join them. Hopefully, we can all meet one day and tell each other all our stories about our love one, as they are probably doing now about us. Know I am here whenever you feel like writing and venting, we all need to do that and we are truly blessed that we have found each other. Till later, take care and God bless. Love, Phyllis

Jun 11, 2013
To: The Lord Is My Strength
by: Lisa

Hello, and I read your message to me and appsphyl, and while I so appreciate what you say to inspire me, nothing will ever help me. I ask Jesus to hold me up; I ask my husband to tell me what to do. Maybe I am just too grief stricken to hear their answers or feel their presence.
I am very angry still, and will always be. Angry at myself--what did I miss, would I have been able to help him with a holistic doctor, rather than the poison chemo? I miss him, everything is gone, over. I am like a mechanical person--I peel potatoes, I clean vegetables, I eat it standing up, and I have a perpetual frown on my face. I will not pretend, so I go out early, shop when not too many people are around, and I keep to myself. I dont want to discuss the health issues, but they are related to b/c. Not 100% diagnosed, another mammo is needed. Scared me, especially the symptoms. Scared me more because he's not here like he always was for any little or big crisis in my life. He as my srength. God didn't do this, but I know that this was arranged way ahead of time, and maybe I had something to do with it by not making him stop taking too much tylenol for his back aches; or maybe I should have made him get tested every year because he was exposed to agent orange in 'Nam, or maybe I gave him a bug from having had a strep throat--though I owuldn't even let him kiss me whenever I had a cold or cough.
Blame, blame, feel guilty, and wish I could go to him and ask him and God why? I had talks with him before he died about, "Do you think it was from agent orange, do you think it was from all your acetaminiphen (tylenol), do youthink it was from me when I was sick? " He'd say, "Oh come on, and even if it was, nothing we can do about it but move forward." or he'd say, "So what, you would never intentionally give me a cold or anything, so stop blaming things you read on that stupid internet." I keep thinking that he doesn't come through to me because I am so stressed, and I cry too much, and it upsets him.
On the other web page, someone I write to said she saw a heart in the sky that I told her to look for, andshe knew when she saw a cloud form a perfect heart that her husband made it for her to say he's OK, well, happy. I wish I would get a sign like that. She gets many of them.

Well, I will try to make the long trip to the cemetery to see him, and my Dad for Father's day, and my Mom, and my Aunt. I don't feel well, but that's me--I do what I have to even if I'm feeling too tired or sick. I must visit him.
I, like appsphyl, want him BACK HOME HERE.

Love , Lisa (Hugo's Babe)

Jun 11, 2013
To: appsPhyl
by: Lisa

Dear appsphyl,
I've been waiting for you to return, and have checked this web page quite often. Glad that you managed the trip, and I know the feelings you had--I get them even when I go to the store without Hugo, especially if I go to the hardware store which I didn't like to go, but I would occassionally accompany him and told him I was bored. Now I have to do "his" looking and buying things I know nothing about.

So Taylor like NYC and the pizza tour--good for him. It's hard to get around, but once you get to know the avenues and the streets, it gets a little easier.

I am going to see 11 months of his passing on July 29th, and I am and have been for the past 2 weeks in the "anger" mode of my deep grief. I am angry he had to get that cancer, and he tried to beat it, not just to live for himself, but not to leave me. I am miserable. Had a bad health scare--female type, and they couldn't make up their mind if it was bc or lyme disease--suddenly entire left you know what blew up was red, burning, hurting. Very scary. Had mammo, biopsy, etc., and so far, they don't think it's b/c. I cried even more because Hugo was not here to comfort me, reassure me and scold me for worrying ahead of time, and getting myself stressed beforehand. I miss him too much, and I ask God and him to help me with this separation.
I hate living here in this house without him; I won't even turn on his big TV or even go in there.
No one seems to have time for me; some people don't even call. I need a family member to do somethingfor me, and it gets put off with excuses.
I'm on my own, and he knew I would be and that is why he worried about dying, and I worried too. He was my life--no kids, no grandchildren, just Hugo and me. I don't know about living even 1 or 2 more years like this. I have to make decisions about do I stay in this house alone, where do I go. I don't even know how to get places in my car without him. I never had a good sense of direction. He had a great sense of direction and never needed a gps.

Sorry, I am so miserable and my writings are sad, but I come here to tell the truth, andthe truth is I can't cope with him gone. No one understands except whoever I write to here.

Take care. Love, Lisa

Jun 11, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Lisa, and welcome back Appsphyl - Listen Lisa I know right know you fill your faith isn't strong, but it is normal for you to feel that way. I give you a hint. My husband always use to say why not? In other words don't ask GOD, Lord, Jesus, why he took hugo. Ask the Holy spirit to reveal to you, the reason he was taken, could be because he didn't want him to suffer NO more, and GOD had better plans for him up stairs. I know it sounds strange, but that is the reason the Lord calls us it's time, because their time here was borrowed time. I don't know if you understand, or get it, but pray to give you strength, knowledge in your mind, so you can hear or let the Lord reveal to you. I too sometimes lose faith, but quickly I have to ask the Lord to come to my rescue, because I feel tired, and weak from all this pain and suffering, and big void that we feel. What kind of health issues are you having, and what scares you about it. Ask the Lord to heal you with his light, and his hands over you, because he is there, but sometimes we don't hear, because we fear the unknown, or just so much turmoil is happening to us, and since we live in such ugly times, you are probably going through what is called spiritual warfare. Tell Satan get behind me in the name of Jesus. Appsphyl I am glad Bill was present in your journey to New York. I know he was. Angry is good, let it out, because if you keep inside, you will develop ulcers, and other health issues. I try too NOT get upset, because it ups my High Blood pressure, and I can't have that. I have my dog (lulu), and cat (Blacky) to think about. I am the only one who can better take care of my animal, so I ask GOD to give me life for my animals, cause they love us unconditionally. Sad the human being can't even think of Love unconditionally. Why because we live in the flesh, anyway I am trying real hard to keep my spirits up too. I really miss my "Bubbas" there are times I am so confuse, and disillusion, but I get myself up, and pray, pray, for the Father, Son, and Holy spirit to lift me up, and give me the strenght to carry on. I know we all have our pains, and sufferings, but knowing we all have each other right now is a blessing. I also ask the angels to watch over me. We all were born with 2 guardian angels, and invoke them, and ask them to help you in your time of crisis, whatever that is. They will come to your rescue. There is a sight that is called "Beliefnet" it speaks of angels. If you belief that give it a try. Well right now. I feel a headache coming on, I have been experiencing this lately, probably my stress. Ok for now GOD bless all of you suffering souls.

Jun 09, 2013
To: Lisa, Anonymous, The Lord is my strength
by: Appsphyl

Good morning all. It is Sunday morning and I am finally getting back to normal (as normal as I can) since our trip to New York with my grandson. Lisa, I had a fairly good time, but all I thought about the whole time was Bill and how this was my first trip in 32 years without him. It was strange and I had to take the lead and I am not use to doing that. I feel Bill was helping me as when we got lost or down, all of a sudden, we were where we should be. My grandson had a good time and thoroughly enjoyed the pizza tour. I hope all of you are having good days. Mine come and go and I still wonder why and always will till I am with him again. I feel sure Bill, Bubba and Hugo are having some good times talking about us and our ways. I do know there is a heaven and God, but I am still upset and hurt that he took our husbands and left so many that are mean and don't deserve to live. It will be 10 months on the 12th that Bill left me and I look at the last picture we had made together all the time. Two weeks before he died we took our grandson and spent the weekend in Atlanta and Taylor made a picture of the two of us that weekend. It is now my screen saver, so all I have to do is come to my computer and I can see my true love. I only wish, like all of you, that he was by my side. I know he is with me spiritually, but I am selfish and want him back. I know we can never have them so we have to go on and wait till we can be with them again. The going on is the hard part, they have the easy part just waiting on us. All of you have made me realize that I am not alone and we understand each other. It is so fulfilling to know you have friends that can relate to what you are going through and are there for you. So many of my so called friends said we will call you, we will do this and that, but in the 10 months, have not heard from them. I hope that one day we can all meet and have some good cries and laughs together. Till later, all take care and peace be with you. Love, Phyllis

Jun 09, 2013
To the Lord I s My Strength
by: Lisa/Liz

Dear The Lord Is my Strength,

I just read your message about the 8th of June; and I know how you feel; I feel like that every day. I'm going on 11 months at the end of June and it feels like yesterday that I lost my dear husband. The more time goes by, the worse I feel. I know how you feel, and I am glad you, through your faith and your husband's spiritual care, you are remaing strong.

A lot has hit me this week--health issues that are scaring me, and my husband is not by my side where he always was through it all.

I can't cope with this, like you are trying to, and I am weak and wanting to give up, but for him, I can't. Though, I'd rather do it.

My faith is not strong at all; I cry to Jesus to help me in that area; but I also ask him why he took my husband now? I need him.

Well, I hope you continue being strong and not be upset that I can't be. I haven't heard from appsphyl, but I know she was going away with her grandson. I hope she was able to make as much f the trip as her husband wanted her to, though he isn't with them.

Life is difficult. Jesus, please help me.

Love, Lisa

Jun 08, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Here it goes again. Today is 6-8-13, and exactly marks 1 yr. and 3 months my beloved husband has gone to better pastures, but I still miss him alot. In fact everytime the 8th of every month strikes. I count them, and realize where all this time has gone. I feel like I was in a bubble, and some where in la la land, but as I state we never stop loving, and or missing our beloved husbands, and or wife's. I am missing him right now. I usually get blue on the 8th of every month. Why? Just to think how time fly's, and the longing of being with him will always be in my heart of hearts. I will probably watch the CD over & over again, and start reminiscing our times together, and how he made me laugh all the time, and be his funny silly self, and of course I was always the old bag, as he used to say. He was older than me of course by about several yrs. but he always said one of the reasons he married me, was because I am an old soul, and I was the old bag, he was the kid alright, never a dull moment with him. I learned a lot with my husband too, he taught me things, and always look out after me, and always had my back. I love him very much, and always will, no matter what. I tell people be kind, and nice to one another, because life is to short, and we never know when our number is up. If I die tomorrow. I will be okay with that, because I know my "Bubbas" has a reserved seat right next to him, but I believe I am starting to fine my purpose, and calling. In some way appslys, you stated to me I think I found my calling. Well it has been said more than several times, and I guess my husband is using me through the Lord Jesus Christ, as an instrument to still do the work he did down here on earth, but I don't mine, because at least I know he is in contact with me "spiritually" that is. I really, really miss him so very much, but I try to keep busy, and I am now started to look for work again. Lets hope and pray the Lord has a good job for me, in doing whatever task, his got for me now. I hope all of you women Lisa, Applsy, and 1 man and you women with broken souls are trying to better yourself s in any little way you can. Just thought I share my pain a little for a change. GOD be with all of you. Till next time

May 29, 2013
The Lord Is My Strength (Anon) May 29th, 2013
by: Lisa

Dear The Lord Is My Strength,

Your comfort helps me.

The pictures, CD's that make you cry must be wonderful reminders of your husband's fine ways.
So, now I have a picture of him, rugged, and very strong.

I'm glad you bought the angel; he guided you to it. I used to buy a lot of things to take to the cemetery,but now that I have a neat space/garden set up there, I don't fill it up any more with a lot of things. I went yesterday, and it was more difficult than the last time (12 days ago). It's far,but I have to go visit him.

Why do I not get my heart to truly believe where Hugo is and in Heaven, like I used to?

Maybe because I am angry. I hate the doctors who took care of him. After going to the internet (which Hugo hated when Iread too much junk onthere), I find this stuff that an infection rom a long time ago could be the beginning of his cancer. It is far-fetched, but I still wonder andI blame myself for losing him because I had strep 30years ago, and could I (even though I am the most careful person about germs) could I have caused this. It sounds stupid of me, and crazy, but I keep asking why he got this, why he died, why?????

Maybe because I feel so lousy, and I can't move into a place where I know he remembers me, how much I loved him, and misses me too. All of this is a mystery to me. You have strong faith, and had different experiences than I did. I really never discussed any ofthis much to anyone.

I just hope that Hugo is OK, and he knows that I am trying, and that what he knew to be true is so--my family is of no comfort to me, and that is why he held on so long, not to die and leave me alone.

Thank you for your continued reminders of what I have to get myself to believe. Love,Lisa

May 29, 2013
To appsphyl-29th of May, 2013-10 months gone...
by: Lisa

Dear Appsphyl(Phyllis),

Yes, you remembered, the 29th of July is when Hugo passed away, so today is 10 months and it seems like the other night it happened.

I usually get up very early before 5:30 or 6 a.m.--I used to get up first, then let him sleep until 6, then he left for work at 7pm. Now, I get up because I don't sleep through the night ever, and I have had pains in my joints recently on top of stomach trouble.

I cried a lot today, and did the wrong things--revisited the internet as I still do, looking up what caused his pancreatic cancer. They still don't know. But then I start reading things like maybe an infection--and then I blame myself because 30 years ago I used to get strep a lot from being run down andhaving had it as a child. I was very careful, I am a germ-freak--wipe everything over and never used to let Hugo go near me at all if I had the slightest cold or sore throat, and he did the same. We are neat people who hate germs. So, there I go reading something new about bacteria or something that may start the process, and I blame myself for losing Hugo. Also, my family is not supportive like yours, so it hurts a lot. We were great to all of them, but it is the opposite from them. I practically have to ask my god daughter why she doesn't call to see how I am. She calls once a week, and when her mom gets this stupid thing inside her head, like she always has with the entire family, she instigates my niece. I feel sad, alone, abandoned, and I know I only show love, and don't get it.

I hope you have a great trip. Someway, I will see if Nirmala will put her email address on here for you to see.

I truly hope there is a Heaven, and Hugo and Bill are together through our connection. I waiver too much from my belief--I am weak in that area. I always needed assurance about things in my life, and Hugo gave me that. Now he is gone, whom do I turn to?
Love to all, Lisa


May 29, 2013
To: Lisa
by: Appsphyl

Lisa, I hope you are having a good day today. I have you in my thoughts and prayers on this day particularly. Bill will be dead 10 months on June 12th. I really do believe he and Hugo have gotten together and probably having a ball talking about us (all good of course). I will try to have a good time in NY for Taylor's sake. I really don't want to go, but since Bill had planned it, I will follow through with it. I still find myself doing things as he did them. My routine is almost down to the letter as what his was. Of course, I don't get up till around 8:30 instead of 7:30, as what am I going to do all day after I straighten up the house, water and feed the birds and cats. The day passes so slow now. I scrolled down to try to find Nirmala's email address but could not find it. I will keep looking and hope I can find it, as I really want to stay friends with you and keep in touch. I know today will be tough for you, but you have his memories and no one can take that away from you. Hang in there and I will talk to you soon and maybe we can figure out a way for us to get each other's email address. Love, Phyllis

May 29, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hi Lisa, hello Appslsy, and hello to every one of you on this sight. Well you know Lisa my husband was a veteran too, he was in the Air Force. I remember in the funeral, when the flag, and the empty shell bullets were given to me. You know his services were very beautiful. I know when all this happen, my "Bubbas" was actually walking us through all this, because I couldn't even fine his DD214 form from the services, and boom there it is, then all the pictures, that were put on CD, were chosen by my mother, sister, and myself, and my husband through all this. His peeps, homies, as he would say, took awhile, for them to give me a CD made tribute to him. Everytime I watch the CD brings me tears, to my eyes, and just the fund memories, and seeds he planted on this earth. My husband was half german and half greek. I always wanted to go to Greece one day, but never made itself, becasue he got so sick. He was so handsome, he look like ZZ Top with the beard, or some say he looked like Greasly Adams you know the show with the Bear, and bearded man back in the 70's show I think. Well that's how my handsome man look. He was so humble, loving, and giving, and cared so much for people. I always remember his work, because he gave it 120% or more, and what is so painful for me, is watching my husband slowly deterioate, with this desease CANCER. Doctors are a joke. I am more mad with the doctors, never GOD really. Bunch of parasites, who just take from peopel's health insurance, and milk it till their last dying breath. That is what 99% of doctors do anyway. The 1% there is a good doctor. Just had to get that off my chest. This weekednd he came to me, by an Angel, which I saw at this store, garden store, we used to go too. Anyway I passed this Angel who had a cloth around it, which said HOPE. I said huh, this has to be my "Bubbas" wanting me to buy the angel, so I did. I walked around it like 4 or 5 times the price was a little pricey, but my "Bubbas" was calling me to buy it, so I can remmber him. This is what I am telling everyone, never go back on that instict, or signs like this, because our loves one, are connecting with us this way, that way, well you get the picture. Anyway I wanted to share this with all of you. Today I cried a little, because he visit me, while I was driving to the Pharmacy to get my prescription, on my high blood pressure. I don't have a choice right now, but to take it. On yr. I just left it. I told my doctor, and she got mad, said I could have, gotten a stroke, or died, never to do that again, unless she orders me to be off of them. I try hard NOT to get upset or get my blood pressure up, because is no good. Anyway I hope you all are a little bit better, but my prayers are with you all. The Lord is my Strength.

May 28, 2013
To: Appsphyl
by: Lisa - Tuesday, May 28, 2013 l2 noon

Dear Phyllis,

I just returned from a long trip by bus, subway and bus to visit Hugo at the cemetery in Flushing, Queens, NY. (I won't drive there). I put some Memorial Day decorations there---2 months ago I made a garden for him and it's blossoming nicely. Then I walked over to my parents' grave, then to my godmother's grave.
It's a 6 hour trip (both ways), and 1 hour there, and a lot of walking, but I do it around every 10-15 days. I hugged his headstone, cried, asked him to come home now. No one was around, I got there at 7:26 a.m.--I took a 4:30 a.m. bus this morning.

That is truly something about Taylor being born in Italy. So, somehow I guessed right to include the word, "Bravo," in my note to him. I am amazed; there is something going on here--our husbands putting this together. I don't even know why or how I found this site, but he sent me here in my deepest despair.

I agree, we can't put our numbers or addresses on here. One of the ladies, Nirmala, a long time ago, put her email on here. When the site was down, I was so upset, and I scrolled until I found her email address and wrote to her. She passed my email address to another woman in Australia whom I hit if off with. So the 3 of us write on a steady basis. I can't give out her address now, but if you can find it, she will not mind if you write to her and ask her to send my email address to you.

Now, I'm back home, alone, and not believing that I had to visit him again in that cemetery, a place I thought we would still be going to together to visit my family. I'm tired, and this stress is causing me a lot of physical ailments I didn't have, even after he died, I did not have them. It's just too much, and my family is not supportive, selfish, and very different from my husband and me. (Might I add, he and I did everything for them and their children (we have none). I guess that's the way it will be.
It makes grieving for him harder, and I'm quite lonely.

I hope you have a great visit to NY. Those sites you chose are worth seeing. Little Italy is not what it used to be. It used to be all Italian restaurants run by Italian immigrants with the most fantastic cooking, warmth. Now, it's a little Italian/Chinese, with the restaurants run by other ethnic groups. Not the same, kind of fake, not authentic. But Taylor will like it.
Haven't been there in 7 years, so I can't recommend a place.

Safe, good trip. Love, Lisa

May 27, 2013
The Lord Is My Strength, Anonymous
by: Lisa

To: TLIMS for short, anonymous:

We were married 44 years, knew each other 46. Hugo died about 10 months ago, the 29th of May makes it 10 months; to me, it feels like the other night, and it was a Sunday night last July, a night we'd have been out walking on our land, or in the village, but No, not that night. It was the worst night of my life and it is embedded in my heart and on my brain forever.

I will have to get a doctor to be thorough and not blame my heartache and stress on this because it started slowly before Hugo was even sick. Now it has escalated. I don't take the Zantac, and the gastro doctor will blame me.

The joint pain could be all he crazy work I tried to do alone around the property. Or osteoporosis setting in. I don't have any dairy at all--haven't for over 45 years; if I do I get a bad attack and have to make 7 trips before finally it gets released. It's like there is a narrowing that won't let it release.

Anyway, it is a sick feeling I can't describe, and sometimes my head feels funny, I just don't feel normal like myself.

Sometimes I'd rather be with Hugo, and not here.
It's hard without him, very hard. I was truly blessed with him: smart, loving, devoted, caring, worked hard always, neat, clean, respectful, and very handsome on top of all that. Lucky me.
I lost him waay too soon and too young. I am angry about that.

Thanks for caring and reminding me and T that they are surrounding us and waiting for us. I just read to controversial writings about Heaven--one said, no recognition of our loved ones, no body-like beings, and the other said just spiritual beings, whatever that is. I was hoping it would be better than here, and I could be with him, my parents again. What a mystery.

I hate him being dead. I hate that word. I hate ths life without Hugo. We were one, now 1/2 of one if left alone without the better part of he other 1/2. That's how I feel. I can't believe it sometimes, and then I bang a door or a pillow with anger that he had to die.

Stay well. I'll do my best to get through these days and nights. Love, Lisa (Yes, I am Italian--born here, but my parents were born there.)

May 27, 2013
To: Lisa
by: Appsphyl

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I think the roof shook while we were clapping. It is odd that you mentioned Italian in your comment. Taylor was actually born in Italy, our daughter and at that time son-in-law were both in the Army and stationed in Italy. Wow, we must have a close bond. I also read the prayer for Hugo and it was beautiful. We had Bill cremated so part of his ashes are in my back yard (which I talk to and cry daily) and some on the football field at Appalachian State. We never missed a home or away football game in 30 years and meet some great friends who were at his memorial service at Appalachian. I would love to talk to you, but am afraid to put my number on the site. We will be doing a lot of tours, Empire State Building, Met. Museum of Art, Statue of Liberty Cruise, full day New York tour including the new 911 memorial, mafia tour and pizza tour (the last 2 are more for Taylor). I hope you have a great memorial day and I know Hugo and Bill are enjoying this beautiful weather and having a good time. We do need to figure a way to talk to each other, either in email (besides this site) or phone, but like you I do not want to put either on the site. I know we have connected and I think we were meant to become friends and we have a lot in common. Please keep in touch and know you and all of our friends are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. Love, Phyllis

May 27, 2013
Memorial Day for My Hugo
by: Lisa

Dear Hugo, You know that my heart through broken into a gazillion pieces still keeps you there, deep inside, and you are on my mind every second, even when I sleep. Today, as far as I am concerned is Your Day because You, as such a young boy served the United States Of America so diligently, as your commanding officer said in your honorable discharge papers, "For a man of your youth, you protected your men in your compound, with the experience of a soldier far above your rank and age." The letter went on to say a lot of great things, but you didn't care about any letter, you did it because you were an honorable American who performed his duty as you were told to. I am proud of you today, I have always been proud to be your wife, and I can't wait to tell you all of this and more in person when we meet again in God's Kingdom.

Babe, I'm alone today, just me, by your headstone at the cemetery, crying for you to be with me.
You deserve a million flowers, flags, etc., but it seems this is a holiday for fun, and no one who should be there honoring you for who you were to them, are absent at some barbeque. But I know you are not bitter, neither am I--just disappointed in selfish, forgetful people of the past and what you meant to them, gave to them with so much love and you were a true, fine role model. It's OK. It's you and me, like it always was. I know Mom and Dad and Aunt Mary are with you, I will visit their graves up the road from yours today too. And then I will cry all the way home. Your absence in my world, in this entire world is felt by me, and by those whose lives you touched with your kindness, great work ethic, and quiet ways. I love you, my soldier, my Babe.
Your wife, forever, Elisa (Lisa-Babe)

May 27, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Well your right Lisa, Bill was there for Taylor's graduation. And yes Appsphyl he was right there by you cheering Taylor on. It seems you were in the pleachers, sounds like the granduation was somewhere out there, or is it my imagination. I notice you are coming out little by little there Lisa. It's because the Lord is planting his seeds in you. You are a bright and smart person, don't let anyone else tell you other wise. I take it you are Italian, or am I just guessing. Listen do you like teas. Take camamille tea for the stomach, and or fresh yerba buena, which is peppermint leave in English. It will help for the nerves in your stomach, and good for relieving the stress in your stomach. Take it with honey 1 or two tablespoons, or to your liking. Lisa another thing, if you like massage, go and treat yourself for a deep massaging, that will also help the nerves, and the tight musles, which build up, because of our toxins. How long has it been since your loves ones, have departed. For me it has been 1 yr. 2 months, and I still get the blues, but am more aware my "Bubba" is always with me. Spiritually that is. I really miss him alot. He always made me laugh, even when he was so sick. He was a very special man, husband, everything you can thing of, but his memories will always be engraved in me. I just want to say I am thinking of all of you, and just praying your pain will ease, as we go through in life. Our dog Lulu always lets me know when his around, she even knows where his picture is in the altar, which he made for me from scratch. I miss his beautiful smile, jokes, always had an answer for the good things in life we had together. I got a call from the Judge who married us, and was telling me he went to the prison, where my husband put together this program for men/women, and it is still going strong, and because of my "Bubbas" see Lisa this is what I mean about how many seeds my husband planted here on earth, and left behind, because the Lord gave him a BIG task, but did it with so much grace. I was joyed when the Judge told me that, brought tears to my eyes, by the way his wife too, passed on about 2 yrs. ago of cancer in the ovarian, and I know he too misses his wife dearly. We are all suffering our love ones, but one day we will be joined with them, so I am not afraid of dying, when my number is called. Anyways ladies, and 1 gentlmen have as good evening, and GOD bless you all.
The Lord is my Strength.

May 26, 2013
To dear appsphyl
by: Lisa

Dear Phyllis, (appsphyl)

Congratulations, Taylor, you are a wonderful grandson who graduated from High School, 10th out of 286--bravo (you probably know that's Italian for "wonderful." -- You're smart, and I bet you knew that.

Phyllis, I know the bittersweet day you had, wanting so much to have had Bill by your side with a proud smile on his face for his grandson, Taylor. However, if you do trust what The Lord Is My Strength tells you, then you do know that Bill was there with the entire family, cheering Taylor on. Did you hear an extra loud clap? It was Bill's.

I had a bad day of feeling sadder than sad, missing Hugo too much, and feeling sick all over. I have to find another doctor, maybe a rheumatologist because they say that stomach problems and aches I've had lately are related, and they definitely come from stress (going through a traumatic experience--I certainly have been), and can wreak havoc with the entire body (my case for sure).

Where In New York are you going? To the Big Apple, as we call it? Hugo and I worked there many years, he more than I did. We used to live 25 minutes away in one of the suburbs of NYC--Queens, then there is Brooklyn, Bronx, Manhattan, and Staten Island. If you go, you'll get to see the new World Trade Center now being built: they just raised the tower a few weeks ago. I think the Statue of Liberty is open again; it had been closed for a while.

I now live 2 or more hours away by car, and about 3 hours by bus--in Orange County, NY, everyone from here either works in NYC or locally.

I think the weather will be great; this past week it was like Winter, but I just saw the forecast for this upcoming week, 26th, 27th, 28, sun and 75 degrees or more. So if your trip is this upcoming week, it will be great. If I had your number, I'd call you, but I don't think you should put it on here, I wouldn't.
Have a great and safe trip. Congratulations again. Love, Lisa (I care, I know, I understand, and I hope we are friends forever and don't lose touch with each other.)

May 25, 2013
To: The Lord is my strength,Liz (Lisa), Joanie,Anonymous (Can't do it)
by: Appsphyl

Ladies, let me begin by telling you this has been a bitter sweet day for me and exhausting. The bitter sweet was that my grandson, graduated from
high school this morning. He graduated with a 3.95 GPA and was 10th in his class of 286. I was so proud of him, but sitting at the graduation, I kept wondering why Bill wasn't alive to see him. He loved him so much and Taylor was always ready to be with his pawpaw for anything he wanted to do. I kept wishing it had been me that had died so Bill could have been here to see him with all his awards and tassels. Taylor, his mother,(our daughter) and I will be going to New York next week as Taylor's graduation gift. Bill had planned this last summer and I know he would want us to go. It will not be the same and I will not have a good time, but for Taylor's sake, I feel I must go. I know Bill was watching him from his perch on high as always but I would have given anything for him to have been here. Only my beliefs and thanks to The Lord is My Strength, I can have them and know he is waiting on me and I will be with him one day. Can't do it, you CAN and you will do it. It is so hard and I am not saying it gets any easier. It has been almost 10 months since Bill died and I still talk to him all the time and cry for him every day. Like all of us, we all wish our loved ones was with us, but we don't always get what we want or think we should have. Liz and I have become close as I have with The Lord is my strength. I hope I can become close to you and Joanie. I am still angry and upset, but for some reason, I seem to get over it a little better than I had. I don't have a lot of answers but I believe we all have things to share and we will eventually be better for it. Please take care and hope to hear from all soon. Love, Phyllis

May 24, 2013
To: The Lord is My Strength-anonymous
by: Lisa

This is my 2nd message to The Lord Is My Strength because only your part 1 appeared and the next part, so Lord is My strength-I'm writing again to you.

Yes, it is stress and toxic people causing on-going stomach issues. That is the weak point in me that takes on all the aggravation, sadness--and it is highly connected to the brain--where all the anxiety, etc, makes its way to our intestines. Fact.

Your husband was and still an amazing "Bubbas" is Heaven doing what he did here so well, help those in desparate need to find themselves and to stop destroying their bodies, minds with destructive behaviour, regardless the reasons. I never looked down at those who were afflicted with addiction of any kind--I said often to myself and my husband, "There but for the grace of God go I."

My faith, (spiritual faith) is not strong now. I have to get it back. I am not religious, and I know the difference, having been brought up with the catholic church dogma. I try to be peaceful at night and speak to God and through him I pray I will understand that Hugo is all right.

However, when people or things hurt me, I go into this disbelief or trust in anybody or anything. I lack patience too.

Maybe I will read over and over what you believe in and get it some day. That would be a blessing.

Thank you. Love, Lisa

May 24, 2013
CAN'T DO IT
by: Anonymous

I can't DO IT ANYMORE. HAVE BEEN TRING, BUT I CAN'T SEE HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN GO ON WITHOUT MY SPOUSE. BEEN PUSHED TO THE LIMITS BY PAIN, AND ALSO OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN CARE IF I EXIST.
FRIENDS GONE, ONLY AROUND WHEN CONVENIENT. SAME FOR FAMILY - WHAT FAMILY, EVERY TURN THEY HAVE LEFT ME, DISAPPOINTED ME, AND KNOW I'M TOO WEAK TO STICK UP FOR MYSELF.

ONE FRIEND CAUSED ME PAIN, DON'T I HAVE ENOUGH.
THEY COME ALONG PRETENDING THEY CARE AND STAB YOU IN THE BACK. MY SPOUSE WOULD TELL ALL OF THEM OFF FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING IN MY TIME OF NEED.

I CANNOT GO ON WITHOUT HIM. I HOPE THOSE WHO HAVE ABANDONED ME ARE PUNISHED WITH GUILT FOR WHAT THEY DID FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
ANONYMOUS WHO CAN'T DOT IT ANY LONGER

May 23, 2013
To The Lord Is My Strength, 5/23/l3, 11:04pm
by: Lisa

Dear "anonymous, The Lord Is My Strength,
I read your reply to me about what I asked Joanie.
I was having a very bad day all the way around, and I had said to my friend that I needed her to tell me where Hugo is, and asked her, "Does he know all this what went on this week and today?"
She reminded me, first because she wanted to comfort my and settle me down, but also because she has such a strong in believing that he is with me; she feels her first love's presence all the time--he passed away in a tragic train accident when she was a teen. She has since married after a period of waiting 10 years, not wanting to even thoug she and he were not married.
She said afer he had been buried a year, on that anniversary, she visited his grave, and his presence was so strong, and he asked her to be brave and to try to have a good life.

So, now you have reminded me that Hugo is around me. Well, if he is he is really feeling my pain.
It's for him, being separated from him, and from my family who really do take advantage of my vulnerability, and play "games" with me by not returning calls, not calling, yet being sure I "chase them" like an idiot. Once my sister gives me the "silent" treatment, her grown children follow suit. Had Hugo been around still, they would not do this; and if they did he'd make sure I would not call them at all till they called me. So they pour more salt to the biggest wound in my heart. I cannot explain how i feel that I went from a big family to just me alone. It's like living in the twilight zone. If he were here, I'd say the heck with them, but my protector and understander of people is not here to coach me into the right psychological motions to not let them carry on. It has a lot to do with their Mom who pulls this stuff on me every other month. And a lot to do with some lie she heard, no doubt from a loser--who should not be doing this to me knowing the pain I'm going through, and feeling she can cause more trouble for me now, or any time. Betrayal. And I can't deal with it. So, today, I begged Hugo for help and guidance. I do not know his answer, I can only refer to what he used to advise me in the past during such incidences. I recall his wise counsel, but that's it.

Back to bed for me to sleep and escape this hollow feeling of being a nobody, not respected, and alone. It is awful, frustrating, and tears at my heart and mind like a viscious animal trying to take away my sense of who I am before killing me slowly.

Thank you. Love, Lisa

May 23, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Liz or Lisa, even though you are directing this to Joanie. I will confirm YES, YES, YES this is a means of how your loveable Hugo is conacting with you, and he knows you sort of fine comfort in this site, or else you wouldn't be here. Think about it women, just listen to that voice calling you, which is "Hugo" he is trying every possible way to let you know he is present in spirit, and always around you. Signs to look at butterflys, birds, strange animals, a smell like flowers, even at the weirdest moments. Pay close attention to your surroundings, even a glimpse of thoughts you get is acknowledgement of his presence. I know you wrote to Joanie, but I just had to let you know this. Okay GOD bless you. The Lord is my Strength

May 23, 2013
Joanie (second message from me, Thurs, 5/23/13
by: Lisa

Dear Joanie,

Have you asked yourself why all of us who seem to have such similar-thinking, loving husbands found this place? Could it be them doing it? I know I would like a lot of wishful thinking goes on, but I do not know how to get by with some kind of faith, hope, and wishful thinking that they are drawing us together. Then, if I can believe that, I will believe they are constantly with us, as I hope in my heart each day. I try to believe, and I keep hearing my husband telling me to do so, but is that me again, just pretending it is him because I want it to be so. There is absolutely nothing except that tiny bit of hope deep, buried wihin, and it comes out when he knows I get too desperate and too depressed.

My husband looked at things this way, "It is what it is," "Apples and Oranges." and "Don't expect much from people especially family, and you won't be disappointed." I always said it had this gift of philosopher; not me, I am not logical, I am impatient, and I am always chasing others instead of holding back. He gave me lecture after lecture, and I'd be OK for a while and go back to it. I think I got that gene from my Mother.

Holidays--I will zone out too. No more for me--last year after he died, I made the mistake of traveling on public transportation on Christmas Eve on a long journey to my nephew's apt, and Christmas Dayto my niece's home. BIG MISTAKE--SLEPT ON LEATHER, UNCOMFTABLE COUCH--BAD ENOUGH THAT I NEVER DID HOLIDAYS WITHOUT HUGO, AND BEFORE THAT ALWAYS WITH MY PARENTS TOO, EVEN WHEN HUGO AND I WERE MARRIED. So, I sleep on a couch, in a very NOISY NEIGHBORHOOD, PRETENDING, TRYING TO HOLD BACK TEARS. IT FELT LIKE THE LOUSIEST THING I EVER DID, AFTER BURYING MY HUSBAND--THAT WAS THE WORST.

sO,now, I will not do it again. Also, I am very sad thatour last Christmas tree was put up by him (he did a great job each year), and that tree and all the beautiful decorations sat in their boxes this past Christmas and will forever sit there.
How did 46 years go by, and how did he get so sick and die? It haunts me, hurts me, makes me angry, sick, troubled, lonely, and confused.

Love to all, Lisa

May 23, 2013
Liz/phyllis et al
by: joanie

all of this makes me sick to my stomach. the reality we are in now through no fault of our own, the relentless pain and loss which courses through us everyday. I have no need to go on. I wake up w/o tom beside me beginning my day with tears and that's my life now--from his kindness, humor, wisdom, to an empty life. Yes, I feel like what did I do to end up here? didn't know there were such places online. My husband was so good with disarming crap within the family, and so good about human nature he could have been a psychologist. I miss all the long talks we would have. I have already been at the behest of peoples thoughtlessness and condescension. our financial advisor who my husband really liked, though he dropped by for funeral (just business) he has not checked on me in 2 months! holidays? I will be zoned out on the couch. there is no life w/o our men just existence.

May 23, 2013
To Appsphyl & Joanie
by: Lisa/Liz

To both of you, thanks for your sane advice.
I'm not where you are Phyllis because I sometmes get angry that I am part of this site; don't, please don't misunderstand what I mean, I'm happy to have been comforted by all of you, but I wish I and none of us had even come across this site and had our husbands with us and so, we'd be oblivious to all of this. We'd be writing emails, or looking up vacation spots, or household things, anything but this site. I think I hate to remind myself that I have no Hugo to go to any more for anything.

Joanie, you're right--write them off. I will, and timing is the key--my husband always said that. I will play along, and see what happens.
That realtor is just a money-hungry, couldn't-care-less about your loss, just that you are a money maker for her with your house for sale. I'd get rid of her. this is why I am staying until next year--I will start having some garage sales maybe in the fall, and next spring, and then I will have the junk hauler come and get rid of some things. I intend to keep some of Hugo's tools but not the big ones that are useless to me--he knew what they were for, etc.

I will not part with his personal items for a while, not this year, and not next year. I can't even think about it. I wish I would not have to at all--just naturally pass away and let whoever my house is willed to do it all. Hey, they'll be getting the house to sell, and so they can do the work involved. I hope my wish comes true, it would make it easier for me stress and heartache wise.

In NY we expect rain for the entire Mem. Day weekend. I don't care. Last year, Hugo and I were together, now, I don't care about any holiday--big or small. Love to all Lisa

May 22, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Continuation .... after the 300 words alound.

The tylenol maybe the problem to your stomach, but I really think you stomach is your weakest part of your body, because there is where you retain all this stress, distress, anger, frustration etc. Ask your guardian angels to help you as well. I am not religious, but very spiritual, there is a difference. Once you grasp this, it will surely fall into place for you. Don't expect anything from those family members, because as Joanie stated they seem to be nothing, but parasites, and they eat away at you, so don't give them the satisfaction. Your grieving/mourning, and you need the energy for yourself, not easy, but we have to force ourselves. I have been fighting a battle RE: this house since my husband passed on, but to long of a story for me to explain. Applys I am glad you responded, and I am glad your faith has been restored. In reality, it was GOD who touched you through me. I am an instrument of GOD. My husband still does his work down here through me, because now he is a angel up there, and trust me. I sometimes get amaze at the things I say, because it would be something my husband would say. Remember my husband was a counselor of 40 yrs. in the dark side. Specialty was gangs, and dope fines, prostitutes, your name it, he saved them. He saved alot of life's, and every time. Any of his peeps, call me or write to me, they say they miss my husband, and some of them tell me. I am 2, 5 or even 10 years sober, because of my husband. He was so amazing let me tell you. There will never be anyone, that could even come close to replacing him, and I don't want or care for anyone else in my life, but my husband. I am okay being a widow, and I am independent, and strong through the Lord Jesus Christ, who give me that strength. Anyways I hope all of you are in good health, just push your self's in getting well,because we are on our own, but GOD lives in me. Take care everyone for now.
The Lord is my Strength

May 22, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Liz, Listen I'm with Joanie on this one. Just let them go. In one of my postings I mention that family can sometimes be the worst supporters, because if they do not support you, or even acknowledge your pain and suffering, it's because they are scared of death, or even one day happpening to them, they are selfish, self absord, and it's all about them, so STOP giving your good energy to people, especially sometimes family members who just don't give a rat's ***. Stick to people who are positive, and will bring you good energy. Listen I know, because I too have a sister, and she's all about herself, and she has only visit me once since my husband passed away, plus she is so negative. She tells me **** like oh get over it, I am a martyr, she don't even know the meaning of the word martyr, as a matter a fact she is the martyr. My husband is now 1 yr. 2 months gone, but his spirit is always around me, he always told me peanut, that was his love name for me, and I called him my "Bubbas" I will never live you, and his right, he is always around me, in my bed, while I pray scripture, on the road. I talk to my husband alot, and he prays for me from the throne of GOD. You got to stop asking GOD to bring him to you, pray and ask his spirit to pray for you from the throne of GOD, and you will see changes. The Lord hears our crys, but we have to also put are part to this.

May 22, 2013
To: The Lord is my strength, Liz (Lisa),Joanie,
by: Appsphyl

Hello ladies and our one gentleman, To: The Lord is my strength, I remember you quite well, you were the first person, I had contact with on this site and thanks to you, I regained my faith. It has not been easy and I know things happen for a reason and we do not have control over what happens for the most part. I am still angry, mad, and yell a lot but I get over it better now. Thank you for being on this site and hope to continue to hear from you as I hope to hear from the rest of you. Joanie, I hope things go smoothly in your move and hope you find peace wherever you go. Liz, please take to heart some of the things I said regarding your family. I do know what you mean and I hope and pray things get better for you, but a tiger doesn't usually change its spots. Bill taught me a lot about human nature and the way people can be and act toward others. I know from what I have read that Hugo, had those same traits and tried to keep peace when he could. Even though we are all from different parts of the country, I feel we have formed a strong bond and that can not be taken away from us. I would like to meet all of you one day and hope we can, but if it doesn't work out, we have our friendship here and we know we are here for one another. Hope all have a great evening and will talk to all of you soon. Love, Phyllis

May 22, 2013
lisa/liz
by: joanie

let them go! just let them go! they are not independent thinkers; they are cruel, petty and selfish--this is not helping you. it is further contributing to your "agony" believe me I know. There are people out there I would dispose of in a wink. they offer nothing positive. they are parasites; they just exist. stay with what brings you comfort wherever you can grab it if only for a few minutes a day. totally understand where your coming from. WRITE THEM OFF-our financial agent, toms first cousin, some of my nephews (they didn't know tom well but I was their mothers half sister)haven't even called! sent an impersonal email---nada, zip. I will have my say but not yet, its all about timing. time may soften what we are going through but it wont heal it. you often say and I feel same that death is a welcome relief from this pain and torment.I am already experiencing lack of respect which my tom never treated me. but I wont tolerate it. we have too much more eating us up to worry about. we live in different times w/too many people into their own crap. I am dealing w/a realtor who has not once said she was sorry for me! instead she let me know shes fixing a meal to take to cabin for holiday! so its just business right? it tells me she doesn't have what tom & I did.

May 22, 2013
To The Lord is my strength...
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear The Lord Is My strength,
You've written back to me before, and I just read your recent post directed to us who suffer, and mostly to appsphyl.

I am still in great agony, mentally, emotionally, and physically--have done a lot of hard work outside---neck, back of knee hurt now, and the tylenol is hurting my already bad stomach.

Hugo is forever on my mind and in my heart, and I have very bad days with bad moments, even hours where I want to give up. I've begged God again to take me in my sleep. My husband struggled so hard to stay alive, so how I can I think this way--it sounds selfish, I am not, definitely not a selfish person. It is this pain, this loneliness, this longing what was and could be and shall never be again. It would take me a long time to explain away my inner heart and mind right now.

I'm tired, weary, and on top of it I cannot figure out some family members. I call, get voice mail. Leave messages, no return call. One keeps saying she's busy--how busy can you be to just pick up the phone acknowledge my many calls, and that's it. She says she loves me. What?
Love takes you to the one who is hurting so bad.
Hugo and I were like parents to her. Her Mom is behind this, but that's another long story.
I feel betrayed, sad, and confused over why they leave me for a week sometimes without calling me when they know how fragile I am.

I ask God to get into their (missing) hearts, I ask Hugo for help. I'm miserable all the time, and I wish I could just join God and my Hugo and my parents. My faith is faltering. And, yes, I read the bible, books, but people are pushing me to more loneliness. I better just get it: they do not have the love Hugo had for me, even though I feel I deserve some love and respect.
What's with all of this? I have no children to base this type of disrespect and this"Im busy" crap.

God is my only strength, for my family has not helped my grief.

Love, and thank you. Lisa (Liz)

May 21, 2013
Appsphyl
by: Lisa

Dear Phyllis, Everything you write makes so much sense and seems to calm me down, especially whenever you end your message with you are sure we will see our husbands again. You sound like you're grieving as much as we are, however, you have this inner faith that comes across that I know I lack. I thought I had it after Hugo died, but now it seems to be fading. I do not yell at God, but I do keep asking him why he took him and not me. Hugo used to say the same thing as your husband told you, that he'd go first. I thought I would because I am the weaker one, cry over anything, even when I had a cough or cold, I turned it into a catastrophe because my ailments seem to linger for a long time and that would worry me.

It is almost 6pm here in NY, and soon I will get ready for bed, and hope I sleep. The grief keeps me up, and on top of it the back of my knee is in pain non-stop from being on my knees weeding this garden. Just like your Bill, Hugo took so much loving care of this house, inside and outside; and I too cannot bear leaving here. It is part of him, and he already left me, so how I can I leave his things behind or pack them up? I don't know. I used to call him Hugo Boss (like the designer) because he liked clothes a lot and he liked to decorate too! Believe me, he was a "manly man" but he loved to do anything creative, match colors, blend things, and build things out of wood. He had a lot of talents that I do not have.

I talked to his best friend of 40 years today, and he said for the first time I didn't sound so desperate. I hid it because the last time we spoke, I think he became upset about my comments about not knowing how to go on, not wanting to, etc. We discussed Heaven, and he said he "hopes" there is one; and that struck me because there was a time when he really believed. He said we just don't know for sure, and who does? Well, when I asked that of my pastoral friend, she said, we don't have to know, we have to believe, and how we believe is through having faith in the scriptures, that they are real and that the promises in Revelations are true.

I'm still going to start praying and asking God why he can't let Hugo come home to me, or why he can't at least let Hugo appear in a dream. I will also pray about being alone, and as I said, I have a sister who must have another excuse why she is not calling me. She makes up stories, wants me to beg forgiveness for something I didn't do. That's how she is. I cannot figure out how a sister can pull crap with me when I have this heartache that makes me want to die.

Well, I hope some day, in the future, some how, the 4 or 5 of us who write steady to each other will get to meet somewhere. We will cry, we will talk a lot and we may even figure out how we can go on without being the way we always are now.
I will need a lot of work on that, but just to be with women who feel like I do would be so great.
Maybe some day.......Love to all, and the pets too, Lisa (Liz)

May 21, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello I haven't written here for awhile, due too I am gong through rough patches, RE: House, but I want to state to all the sufferings souls here, you are not alone. Hi Appsphy, its been awhile. I started posting here to be exact 1-6-13, and I go by "The Lord is my Strength" Appsphy you reply to me back in 2-24-13 to be exact. Refer to that message again. I am actuall giving you confirmation about your husband being around you, which he is. Another confirmation is the posting you posted today 5-2-13 Actually Bill is giving you answers, because you state Do you know why? that CAT sleeps in your husband side of the bed, is because Bill is right there with you, don't you get it women. He never leaves you alone, my husband is always with me spiritually that is, as a mater a fact Sunday I was in the back yard, reading my husband's Bible, and some Angel books, suddenly my husband directed me twice to a scripture in Pslms, and 1 Corintians, this is how he also connects with me. Where he directs me is written & where he circled the scriptures with ink, when he was alive, so I am telling you women (1 male) person, that your loves ones are around you, you just have to keep the faith, hope, and really listen to that spiritual voice inside, and yor instincts, which actually is telling you, he or she is there. My dog Lulu she is a Jack Russell Tierrer, a gift to me from my husband, well that dog, loved him, because he was the Alpha, but always took care of him like a nurse, doctor, you name it this dog love my Bubbas. She always sleeps on his side, and on his pillow. Remember Appsphy that is a sign his always with you. Can't you feel it women. Anyways even for non believer's you love ones, are always around you, you just have to once in awhie get out of your misery of pain for a little while to acknowledge that they are there. Trust me I know, but we all are different individuals. It will come to you. Now for now I am just trying to live day by day, and waiting for my calling when Jesus takes me to be with my loving husband. Don't get me wrong. I do what I can to get by, sometimes the pain is unbearable, but I call on Jesus & my husband, and they come to me, cause I feel him next to me. Someone here stated something about headaches, they are from distress, fatigue, mourning/grieving, and your weary, because your body is tired. Be careful, cause sometimes this is not good. They say sometimes if we do get them bad it might be symptoms of stroke coming, or something with our health, especially people like us who are suffering in so much pain, loneliness, anger of frustraton etc. etc. For now Bless you all.

May 21, 2013
appsphyl
by: joanie

if it had been our first home I would surely stay but we moved up here 10 yrs ago to protect our equity due to zoning problems in that county. if my husband had a hand in this house I would stay but we grabbed it up before the bubble exploded. it never held a candle to our first home except for its view. it is now a prison with me the custodian of a broken world. I packed a lot of boxes for many of the items are too painful to see. he has been gone today 11 weeks and "where i'll find comfort, god knows, cause he left me just when I needed him most." I relive the whole nightmare every Tuesday.I just cant do this. I will go insane. I was too attached to the guy. one day blurs into the next, I may hear from my younger bro but his lifestyle is not a comfort, my son calls every night hes on east coast. no one else calls--they do not want to hear the sounds of death. they are selfish and cruel and in due time I will let them have a piece of me. in a way, I feel like I do not exist. I have no purpose: driftwood. yes, I would love to have the comfort of a home tom & I both enjoyed but we were in discussion of scaling back. he was burnt out on the maintenance siting spending some last good years elsewhere---I guess the gods were eavesdropping.

May 21, 2013
To: Nirmala,Joanie,Liz (Lisa)
by: Appsphyl

It has been a struggle for all of us. I also would like to know, Joanie, why are you moving? I can't ever think of moving from the "home" Bill and I shared for the past 30 years. This has so much of him and he put so much work into our home and our yard. It is hard to go on and see others happy and going about their normal routine of life. I used to do that, not thinking that Bill would ever leave me. I always told him we were to go together or me first, since I was 7 years older. He always told me he would go first as I was much stronger and could was very independent. I don't feel stronger and independent now, just lonesome and sad and most of the time angry. I know all of us have these feelings and I think that is why we write on here for each other. Every time I think of doing something, I think, what would Bill have done. I talk to him all the time and ask him questions, but don't get any answers. Like I have said before, the only thing that keeps me going is my cats, whom Bill and I both love dearly. They seem to know what I am going through and are always right with me. The one sleeps on the pillow with me every night, I have moved to Bill's side of the bed and that cat has been on that pillow since the day he died. Animals are very loving and are always there for you. Please take care and know I really do believe that we will all see our loved ones again one day (not as soon as we want) but we will be with them again. Love, Phyllis

May 21, 2013
To Appsphyl & Joan
by: Lisa (Liz)

It's Lisa again. I read your last post and you are very strong, and I'm trying hard to be. You wrote a lot of good advice to all of us, especially Joan.

I, too, see Hugo in everything, mainly all the things in this house. Once in a while I'll look at the photos on the wall but I will not go out of my way to open albums up. It hurts too much-I want to dive into the picture and be with him in happier days.

Joan, you asked about Hugo. Well, he and I met on a blind date, and that was it for us. I was 17, and he was just about 18. We never left each other's side--he always called when he said he'd call, and never played any silly games like not calling or showing up. He did a lot for me and my family at his young age. Before he was drafted into the army, we were happy, then when he got sent to Vietnam, it was agony, especially when no letters arrived for months. I worried he was missing, or dead there. Thank God, we did have 46 years together. But I, like "Appsphyl" says in her posts, she'd take 30 more years--me, too.

This is our place, and I know it for sure. I do not, never did, and never will understand this: my heart always makes me call people whom I supposedly care about and love. But, with me, since my husband died, the people in my family who should be calling me, don't. I leave messages; when they finally decide to call back they say they were busy. It takes a minute to call someone you say you love. I suffer with that a lot. My best friend tells me to let go for good, don't call them. Then, I will have no family. When Hugo died, that was it for me. I am Lisa, alone, sad, and I cannot believe in any of their fake love. The heart makes you call. So I don't buy the busy excuse. Hugo wuld be so mad with them, knowing that I'm so kind to them all and he was too. I look back and wish that he and I didn't do all we did for them because they are paying me back with tears in my eyes wondering why they don't care eough.

I have an aching knee from too much bending down and weeding. I overdo things. So, I'll write later or tomorrow. Love to all, Lisa

May 21, 2013
lisa/et al
by: joanie

today is Tuesday. he died today. really hate Tuesdays now because I relive that horrible afternoon all over again second guessing everything that maybe he could still be here with me. why? its torture. none of us deserve it!
Tuesday afternoon used to be one of my favorite moody blues songs. im moving because im going insane here by myself. like the other lady said we were only children. I have 2 bros but still I was way older. we were talking about such things when he suddenly passed. he told me if anything happened to me "he would be so outta here." he was the one with all the energy and he goes first. I have a son but really don't know where to end up. we lived in NM since 84. I still love it but its plagued by drought, not the same anymore. so much has died outside. tom was burned out on it. we don't care for the people here and I especially don't now. they are still carrying on with me inconspicuously alone. now hes gone and I don't want to maintain it. the contents are more important. had to put many up cause to painful to look at. cant believe my life has taken such a tragic turn.

May 21, 2013
To all the ladies and gentleman
by: Nirmala

It was nice to see a man express the same feelings that we women have expressed. I keep thinking if I was to have died and my husband was here what would he have done. Although he would miss me everyday, he would have been working and doing his duty just the same. My husband was such a crazy guy, I am really happy I lived with him for 23 years. He realized his dream of owning a Ferrari, he had it for a couple of years and then sold it. Part of that money helped us with the initial bills. He even made me drive the Ferrari, he had such a zest for life. I hope I can live up to his dreams. Of course I will do anything for my kids, even if I have to put a pretend smile on my face and carry on.

May 20, 2013
To Joanie
by: Lisa/Liz

Dear Joanie, (the other post said Joan--Joanie is cute)

Why are you moving out of the house? Where are you going - did you get another house. You are probably 10 or more years younger than me because you said you were married 31 years; we were married 44 and knew each other 46 years. That is a long time for anyone on earth in their right mind to think you or I can just go move along like we lost a wallet, we lost our guys, and like I said before, we were so intertwined like a vine, or a tree--chopped in half. One half is hopefully in Heaven, and the other half (me) I'm in a place on Earth just like Hell, angry, lost, alone, and not at all at peace with anything any more.

Why was I born with this heart that thinks I have to chase people who don't show they care? I guess my husband spoiled me with love, and now that he is gone, they think I don't need any love shown to me by calling or keeping track of me.
I think they think I'm fine. When others go through it, it's going to be too late to understand what I and you are experiencing. Too bad for them. I had a great husband, and I lost him, why I don't know. I feel he was taken too young, and I am angry about him not being here with me, and in his home that he loved.

I don't know how you are packing up your life of love. I will be doing that some day. Why do we ladies outlive our men? I thought I'd go first, or at least we would get old enough not to realize anything--then it would have been better. Like the movie, "The notebook," they died together at the same time. How great is that. I love that movie.

Yes, this is a different world. Sometimes when I hear about the shootings, this is terrible to say, but I wish that I'd be a victim. They would relieve me of this torture of missing Hugo so much. I do not know how to take the next step, but I guess I will because I've been doing it.

How did you find this web site? I can't remember how I did,but I guess it was meant to be. Maybe Hugo led me here, to find some kind of comfort.
It's a distraction and a place to share emotional turmoil with those who understand.

At first, I was scared, thinking that maybe there are people on here looking for people who they think are weak. Maybe I seem that way, but my weakness is my broken heart; other than that I have my head together and know when danger lurks.
Hugo taught me well, and being a "city" gal, I know a lot. But in this world we live in with no respect for life, you can never tell people's motives. We have to look out for that, unfortunately.

Another day is done, and I will get some relief with a few hours of sleep if I'm lucky. This is my crying time, and asking him to come home.
How I wish.

Take care, and hope you continue to join us on here. Love, Lisa (liz)

May 20, 2013
To: Widower (Male)Liz (Lisa),Joan& Others
by: Appsphyl

Liz, Your last comment was right on the money that they are all our angels and hero's and I know they will all be waiting for us. I, too, am very angry at God, hurt and probably selfish, but like all of you I wish my loved one was back. Widower (Male) welcome aboard, you sound like what our husbands were: kind, considerate and very caring. My husband was such a softy, I called him my big teddy bear. He was 6'2" and I am 5'2", so we really made quite a couple. I am very lucky in my children (they were Bill's stepchildren) but they both took his last name when they turned 18. Their so called father had been out of the picture since they were 6 & 8, but would not let Bill adopt them. Bill was their father from the time the children were 8 & 10 and they thought the world of him and he thought the world of them, especially our daughter. Bill's parents also became their wonderful grandparents as well. Like I said we had 31 1/2 years together, but I wanted at least 30 more. I know we are all selfish, but I can live with that as we all loved our spouses very much and we knew and still know how much they loved us. I try to go on every day and it is hard, because I don't want to be here without Bill. Bill and I were both only children, so all we had was each other. My children are good, but really don't understand why I am sad all the time. You are so right, it doesn't matter how much time has passed since we lost our loved ones, the pain will never go away. I look around my house (and it is only a house now, not a home) and I see Bill in everything. I can watch a tv show and think of Bill as I am sure all of you think of things when you see or do something that reminds you of your loved one. I really appreciate all of you that write, for I know it helps me and I hope it helps all of you. Just remember, we are not alone, we have each other and we are friends who understand and know what each is going through. We don't judge each other for we know we each are grieving in different ways but for the same purpose. All please take care and write. Love, Phyllis

May 20, 2013
lisa/liz NEGLECT
by: joanie

I have been encouraged by a few who care to move but mostly my son keeps up the calls and he hasn't always been there for us. now hes realizing what a purpose tom served. what do these people think we don't deserve a care after the most devastating thing ever?
we have money w/sch*** and the agent we thought was so great hasn't checked on me out of courtesy in 8 wks! the SOB. all he cares about is his newborn--where does he think his check comes from--jerk. I feel like tom slipped through my fingers--I agonize over it. it got going pretty quick once it did. I cry buckets non stop-- how much can a human endure? I saw the world through his eyes--we loved each other deeply-- our men both went at same age but I am nothing w/o him. what will I ever do w/all this stuff? I now serve no purpose. tell me about your hugo sometime im like the tinman-now I know I have a heart I feel it breaking.....

May 20, 2013
lisa/liz
by: joanie

no I don't mind. your kindness about guilt is appreciated but that was such a tragic day. I paid off hospital as it was manageable but they called this morning looking for 24$ I am moving out of the house. I have been packing all morning. I told my son in OC MD they should let the other spouse go out w/o shame because this is inhuman torture. we were supposed to be packing together yet here I am in this nightmare existence now packing all things we loved over the years each piece w/a story. I would like to get everything settled and then die. there is no life w/o him. as for thoughtfulness from family friends or anyone they are all cruel. to ignore your communications is where I want to horsewhip them! from the time you & Hugo, me & tom lived was a much better time in the world. when they speak of American values I want to hurl.everytime I feel a pinch in my chest I smile. that's how it began for tom. a precious warm heart was snatched from me. we were in NM since 84 though I have no plans I cant do this because he was in 3 rooms that day. from the memories of it I can barely function. its knives in the heart. I have two bro. that acted trivial,selfish at xmas, both my parents gone too or that's where id be.

May 20, 2013
MEMORIAL DAY FOR ALL OUR SPOUSES
by: Lisa (Liz)

To our heroes, our spouses whom we miss with broken hearts. We do not need the calendar to tell us to remember you--we think of you every second of every day and night. On this Memorial Day, we say this:

You are our heroes who took good care of us, who watch over us now, and who we miss so much we can't even find the words to say how painful it is to be separated from you.

Our heroes and angels in Heaven, we love you forever.

From all of us who write here.

Lisa (Liz)

May 20, 2013
JOAN-ANOTHER IMPORTANT NOTE FOR YOU
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Joan, I am so sad about your concern about the heart attack your husband had. These things happen, and I don't know why. Please, please do not blame yourself, please. He loves you, he will wait for you, and you loved him. That's what matters.

When Hugo died, I have done nothing but visit the sites for pancreatic cancer, and see if I missed anything. I also blame this, and that, and even myself, and the doctor - the last one he had before who said maybe the backache wasn't his spine again acting up. So why the heck didn't he do blood work. Looking back will not bring Hugo home or change things. I hate what happened to him, he changed from handsome, strong, to weak, frail, something I never thought I'd see him turn into until maybe 80 years old. I am angry for him, me and all of us.

Will write again; but this torture we put ourselves through with guilt is no good.

Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 20, 2013
To Appsphyll
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Phyllis,

I hurt so much when I re-read your story about your husband. I am so sorry that his grandson Taylor will not have had so many years with him that they both deserved.

We have friends in NC, they moved there around 7 years ago from New Jersey. Actually, my husband started his first job in 1969 with his friend, and they worked together for around 34 years, then John and his wife left for NC because 2 of their married sons moved there. The 3rd son remains in NJ. I talk to John once every 2 weeks, not so much his wife whom I really wasn't close with.

I do not know what to say any more, I keep repeating that I miss Hugo, scream for him to come home, beg God, etc. My faith if I every really had any or even understand what true faith is, has flown somewhere. When I watched "The Bibe" on TV a few months ago, it kind of affected me for a while, and I was amazed at how much faith they had back then. Why can't I? I don't know. I will keep admitting this sin, "I'm guilty of being angry, maybe at God, maybe at just the fact that Hugo is not among me and the rest of the world he loved so much." I keep feeling he wasn't supposed to die, and he is mising not only me, but everything he loved to do, etc....that is part of this lousy, unending grief, tears, etc.

I'll write again. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 20, 2013
To Joan--a P.S. to my other message today, May 20, 2013
by: Lisa (Liz)

Joan, I should have mentioned that I understand why you feel you will be hospitalized. I worry about that because sometimes my head feels heavy, and not right. I feel like I will have stroke from this and all the stress of losing my husband.
Your loss is recent, more recent than mine; but after they depart, there is no time--it all jumbles into one time - gone time, gone forever.
No matter if it's 3 months, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 years, for us who write here, it's the same.
I wonder what other woman who don't write here feel? I know some who get along just fine.

You were so kind to write back to that man about selfish people. Love, Lisa

May 20, 2013
To Joan re: All who grieve...
by: Liz

Dear Joan, I hope you don't mind but I write and read on this web page, and I read to all who grieve by the widower, and your reply to him.
I have the same problems: no children, but I depended on my many nieces and nehphews to be there form my dying husband who was the best, most kind generous uncle they every had and will ever have. But because of a fight between people in the family after my Mom passed, a big mess with the sale of the house, they abandoned us for speaking to someone who didn't deserve to be spoken to, but when my husband was diagnosed, and knew hewould die, he decided for my sake to let that "person" back in. The others got angry, came to see him, but kept asking why we speak to her after all she did to me (which was true). MY husband told them, he wants to see everyone. What does he have to do with this family on-going argument, jealousy and stupidity. anyway, I only speak to one sister (she's not so great), and her children. But they too, will not call me since he died--o0nly if I'm "lucky" once a week. They come for a few hours once a month, and that's it.
They will inherit everything when I die, and you'd think they would be more considerate. I don't want pity, just to know someone cares about me, I lost the one person who cared with all his heart and soul and actions--everything for me.
That's over, and I don't get or feel loved by them at all.

I lost my husband, I'm more than devastated, don't know how to function, we were like intertwined since we met 46 years ago in 1966, married for 44 years. I cry, I scream and I beg God to let him come back that it wasn't his time.
It's day by day a nightmare, searching for answers that will never come. All I can hope for is that my faith will come back to 100% and believe in Heaven, seeing God, being allowed in to re-join my husband; I hope he is waiting.
He died worrying about me, and the family knew how close we were and how I am about death--I was so sick after my Dad's death, and then my Mom's. Then my husband went. I'm alone, no kids, but what's left of the family--big deal. They don't call me. I don't think I'm wrong in expecting a call to see how I am--I'm far from them-2 or 21/2 hours away, but they don't come, and I can leave messages and emails that go unanswered. They come here and get treated royally. I don't get it. They are making my grief over my husband worse. I think because of them I almost had a breakdown, or will soon. Good, then I'll die too and get out of this hell I am living in without my husband. A shock, and I cannot accept his death. Liz (Lisa) P.S.---Hope you don't mind that I'm answering you to what you wrote to someone else, but I wanted to tell you we have similar problems heaped on us. Don't we have enough hurt?

May 19, 2013
re: to all who grieve
by: joan

My husband died 3.19. I am almost ready to be hospitalized because it was 31 yrs of bliss. his stepson, my son was a selfish, immature little jerk to us off and on over the past ten years yet we loved him and tried to keep him in our life. he wasn't as spoiled as some today but not neglected. he was here for a visit last year for nine days. we jumped hoops for him. paid his ticket back, plus some cash and when he got back saw no reason to give us a quick call. when I got upset about it, he hung up boycotting us up until tom died--8 months! including all the holidays definitely delayed maturity they see so much materialism with these worthless jerks the media idolizes I guess, but he has had to step up and so far he is paying for his behavior going through quite a bit of pain because his step dad was a decent, honest, kind, human being--none finer.speaking for myself the attitudes in society are not the country I grew up in. I am glad to hear a mans input on loss. I am having to break down our home and this time last year you couldn't have convinced me of this living nightmare for a million bucks.my life has taken a tragic turn. how anyone survives this needs to be addressed more. thank you

May 19, 2013
All who grieve, I have a question
by: Widower (Male)

I am a widower, and maybe you think we don't feel the emotions as much as you do, but after losing my wife, I can say that I have been to hell and back, and then to hell again the next day. The pain hurts us guys just much. We may not talk and cry in public, or stop doing things like work, necessary, but we suffer a lot, maybe more because many of us are good guys, but some of us don't help around the house enough because maybe we're busy making the money. I love my wife and miss her so much that I broke a door punching it.

ONE QUESTION: I've got 2 kids in late 20's. Some days they dont even call me to see how I'm doing. they could come and be as respectful as can be and somewhat attentive and helpful; then once they leave, they don't even call to let me know if they got back safe, and days will go by that Ill leave messages and no phone backs.

Is it all kids? Is it cause they stay away from my pain? I cannot figure it out. My wife didn't have that trouble, she spoiled them and they didn't really appreciate it much, and she took it. I can't. Especially now. They know they're getting the house, car , etc when I'm gone too, and they treat me like I'm just good old dad, and nothing special.

Any thoughts? Anyone get this treatment too?
Is it how young people are? I CALL IT SELF CENTERED AND SELFISH.

wIDOWER GUY

May 19, 2013
Reply to Joan's reply to me 5/19/13 12:50 PM
by: Lisa

Dear Joan, I saw your reply to my reply to you.
I am sorry that your son says this site will make you stay depressed, or whatever he meant.
I feel the opposite--it confirms that I am not the only missing, hurting, going crazy at times wanting my husband not to be dead, but back and everything the same.

No one understands us unless they experience this lousy thing that is end of Life. It's difficult to even comprehend it-the whys? and all the unanswered questions. And the separation anxiety, anger, etc., goes along with all the other emotions. One day, it crying a few times, other days, it's non-stop for me.

I ignore people who don't get it or really care.

Write, continue to read, and don't let anyone tell you this back and forth sharing of our thoughts and feelings is hurting. We'd do the same thing at a personal grief meeting.

Love, Lisa

May 19, 2013
To: Liz (Lisa) and all the others on this site
by: Appsphyl

Good morning ladies, just another rainy weekend here in North Carolina. I read all the posts on here and Liz and I have talked quite a bit. I know this site is good for us as we are all going through the same thing and have the same feelings. Why me, why my husband, why not someone who is not good and kind? We all miss our husbands and wish they were back with us. I wake up crying every morning and go to bed crying at night and it has been almost 10 months. Our grandson will be leaving for college in August and I will miss him greatly. He will be attending Appalachian State in Boone, NC and states he wants to go into the medical field. I have major problems of why Bill went so early in life, he was only 58 and no health problems. As most of you have read he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine. Bill was basically the only father, our grandson had from the time he was four and his father left. Our daughter and Taylor moved back to North Carolina and lives only 5 minutes away. Bill so enjoyed Taylor growing up. I just don't know why he was taken and unable to see Taylor graduate from high school and college. I want each of you to know that I too have had people that are mean, ugly and just downright selfish. As I have said to Liz, just remember, you can't please everybody, so you have to please yourself. I don't have answers and I can't wait to be with Bill again and that is the only thing that keeps me going. I grew up believing in a kind, loving God, but I am really having trouble keeping that faith.
I read on this site daily and like Liz, wish we were all closer together. I have lived in North Carolina all my life and have retired and am living in our home that we shared for over 30 years. It helps me just to be able to be on this site and be able to express my true feelings, which is hard to do to others as they have no concept of what we are going through. Please each of you continue to write and hopefully we will all be here for each other and have a close bond. Please all take care and will talk to all of you again soon. Love, Phyllis

May 19, 2013
Lisa/Liz
by: joan

hi,
this has become a living nightmare. it is way more than I ever thought I could endure with cause of death pending. it is bad enough to have my world ended but if they imply he could have survived had someone called an ambulance I don't know how I will get beyond that hump. I will let you know. thanks for your concern the walking dead

May 19, 2013
Lisa/Liz
by: joan

Sounds like Hugo and Tom would have been good friends. Of all that I read on the bereaved sites it seems it is always the good guys that go and we are left w/the detritus of society. first I want to admit I was happy in my little world never giving a thought to the loss of someone like us now. in fact, I knew it would be hard but expected it to be something like losing a parent--that was bad enough. both my parents are gone too. all the noble members of my family are gone. only the products of today are left and my tom was good to their undeserving guts.
I wakeup shaking and crying. today is 2 months! statistically we women get rewarded w/longevity but what good is that to me. I am right their w/you on praying for an early exit. three decades w/him was as good as it gets. yes, I am in new mexico since 84. we both were desert rats. he introduced me to it all. we knew each others thoughts from 1000 miles away---no wonder I am the walking dead. picking up the pieces? to a shattered world of which I am the sole custodian. people are so impersonal w/the texting or FB crap! no one calls anymore to hear your voice. oh my god, hes been gone two months already and shes still hysterical! my son is up there in OC Maryland he calls twice a day. wants me to come up there but I cant negotiate an airport yet alone the grocery once a week. my entire persona was tied up in tom I am going to hear this week from the medical investigator off. to see if I implicate myself in his exit. the 'silent' attack didn't leave us much time to figure it out. I asked the heart attack questions of him when he declared some sudden indigestion, which he seldom ever got. he told me he had something similar several years back. five minutes later things began to snowball he had no typical symptoms. hes the last person you'd expect to be under siege. he kept the regimen against heart disease he too was nine days shy of his 64 bday. these people in medicine can be so crass. they say whatever DC states don't beat up on myself counseling is available on demand. yah, screw their counseling and don't patronize me. I just learned heart attack and cardiac arrest are two distinct events; the former can be survivable, the latter not so much. I was alone w/him. I see cocky nancy snyderman stating lots of skinny people have heart attacks. so I will find out this week if I really didn't have to be here after all if only I had picked up the phone .you would not want to be me. his father had congenital but nothing was totally confirmed. he died at 73 with the last 10 years not being that great. have found no two heart attacks are the same--way too many varying factors luck being a big one. my husband was retired four years and we had plans. the home and things we love are suddenly just w/0 purpose like me. sorry for length

May 19, 2013
In reply to Anonymous who wrote to sad, but not dumb...
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Anonymous, I am writing to you because I read all the posts on this site and its sister site recover-from-grief.com "-my sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks ago"--it is another place belonging to this web site that we write on.

I too have a lot of issues with selfish family members. I used to cry, but I don't care, they have to deal with death one day and they will realize they abandoned the best uncle and aunt they ever will have. Shame on them.
There was NO REASON FOR WHAT THEY DID, AND I DON'T GET IT, BUT STOPPED WONDERING WHY. MY HUSBAND WAS GOOD TO THEM, BUT ON TOP OF IT, THEY SHOULD REMEMBER HOW GOOD HE WAS - BETTER THAN THEIR OWN SON--WHEN THEY WERE ALIVE--THEIR PARENTS WERE LOVED BY HIM, HELPED BY HIM, AND SO WERE THEY. JERKS, SELFISH, RATS.

I grieve, and I have once request of God, please take me, and don't let me live until 80 or 90, not even 70. Hugo died 2 months short of his 64th birthday. He had planned on retiring but didn't. Social Security said his full retirement age was 66, so he only received what they give at age 64. Nice of them.

You said you're in NM-meaning New Mexico? Everyone is far away except for one woman I write to -- we are in NY, but about 2 or 3 hours from each other. She has kids in school (college), so she at least has them to live for. I'm alone, miserable, and want my husband to come home.
Religion, I don't know what I am any more. I know that after he died, I read the bible a lot, looked for answers about the afterlife and hEAVEN.
I'm not of strong faith lately, and I hope God doesn't hold it against me. He is supposed to love us no matter what. I'm sure he understands my anger in my husband's death, and my pain, and what I've been going through since he died, not only grieving his death, but family things that hurt me even more. Too painful to say again now.

Hope you write again. Love, Lisa (I used Liz in the beginning, but my real name is Lisa from Elisa) Sometimes when we first dabble into the unknown like a web site, we are afraid to use our names. I didn't want to use anonymous because there are too many. But that's OK with me to use it. I understand. Love, Lisa

May 19, 2013
To Joan
by: Lisa (Liz), but my name is Lisa

Dear Joan,
Everything you say, I have said and more and everything you are feeling, I feel too. I'm in a fog literally and physically. I hate life without Hugo. Your husband's sudden death was bad enough and your family and/or friends should understand but they won't and don't. Neither do mine. Just yesterday, my niece and nephew came over for what I thought was a whole day, they stayed for lunch and left in 2 hours time. I have no children, no parents (dead), and my Hugo was my life--like you put it so eloquently, like an intertwined vine--yes, we were that. We were together 46 years, and this separation is not easy, will never be easy, and I will never be happy again without him. I hate this house now--I loved it when he was alive because he loved it.
I miss every tiny, single thing about him about us, about everything we had.

This site doesn't hold us back, it is the only place where others understand us. I look forward to it, and when this site and the other part of it: recover-from-grief.com-my sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks ago--that's where I write a lot too, , I was lost. So I don't give a damn what anyone says that I will never be better because of this writing. I wasn't well before I found this. It's Hugo missing, not the things I read here. Anyway, the things I read here are my thoughts and my feelings too. I don't bother people with them--just one friend, and I think she is sick of it. Maybe she pretends to listen on the phone wwhile cooking or texting someone. I don't know.
My trust is limited since he died.

I'm in New York, used to live in Queens, one of the suburbs of NYC, but live in the country, 2 or 2/12 hours away, but it's quiet, less people, and not all the lousy stuff that goes on in the City.

I hope you write again here or on the other part of this site. I left a poem on the poetry site, and I left 2 letters on the "your space, their space" places. I've received answers to both.

We need one another, even for a while. But for me, I don't think I will get over anything todo with my Hugo being gone. I want him back home, or to get to him.

Love, Lisa

May 18, 2013
reply to lisa
by: joan

Well today I woke up from a fog dream of him, shaking knowing he's gone, only two months ago but feels like yesterday. my son has begun to lose patience and hes on east coast. a female acquaintance is beginning a retreat and I haven't even really imposed on her. my tommy was like your Hugo and all the other nice men who seem to have been ripped out of our lives. I am still in shock. I still shake. I hate this house because hes not here and he loved everything in it. now I am only its custodian. my sons says to stay away from sites like this or I will never come out of it. hes 41 and single. now I am facing all the firsts without him. it seems dying would be less painful. he was out of my life within 45 minutes after 31 years. it was tragic to be here when it happened, heart attack because he was very healthy. by all their bullshit advice he should NOT be dead. I feel responsible because I was here but we had a love story goodbye and people expect me to move on--my god---im want some credit for even functioning. he was retired, only going on his 64th bday! with me everyday for the last four years and we were like two entwined vines thinking we had it by the ass---never a good thing I guess--im all by myself with unbearable pain and lonliness. when his father died they had been married for 52 years---she gave up and said "when the one goes, they outta take the other" no truer words. no one will ever love me like he did--and I hate statistics cause we women outlive men by twenty years---no way--why
punish us with longevity when all we wanted was happiness. I have no one to go to all the noble people in my family are dead! im afraid and I hate all this people that are going on with their lives---

May 18, 2013
To all the ladies
by: Nirmala

I was feeling very sad to hear about another beloved's sudden death, it was like my husband's death. Being that he was only 50 I did not even think he was gone, if there is a god, he or she played a dirty game. I guess when it is decided nobody can stop the death. I had gone to drop my kids off when my husband was on the floor dying and my son was refusing get get down from the car, imagine a 16 year old. It was a hour hour drive and I was screaming at him that I did not drive all the way for him not to go to school and my husband lie dying nobody could help him, the den door was closed so the dogs could also not go in.

May 18, 2013
To all: May 18
by: Anonymous

All:
We are writing on it to comfort each other, but , what good is that. This is a safety zone where we pour out our emotions about losing our spouses. But it's like not having the phone numbe and you can't call each other when you're really down; here, you don't see your post or anyone who writes back, and you wonder where your comrades in this battle with unenduring grief are, or have been lost.

I hope we can find each other soon.
REgards, Anonymous

May 17, 2013
tO SAD but NOT DUMB
by: Anonymous

Hi
in response to your feelings on family and so called friendS: HANG ON TO THOSE FEELINGS OF RETRIBUTION AND DONT WAIVER IN THE FUTURE. My husband died before we knew what was going on. I am at hells threshold with guilt thinking why didn't I do more--my husband can be described as all the husbands are on this sight--curious--they're all decent good guys gone--and we're left with ****. I am racked with so much grief I prefer to die instead, then remorse snuck in and I don't think i'll be long for the world. I had a female acquaintance who told me to call her but I can tell she cant deal with my grief and is kinda pulling away to do barely anything. my two brothers were always inconsistent in their treatment of my husband---I cannot rely on them nor do I want to because they were both jerks to him at xmas, grown immature men that he had spent so much for over the years---I hate them both---my cousins, nephews sympathize but do not offer I come to stay with them. I am isolated in NM and my husband & I were tight---we relied on each other soley! My husband has a rich cousin who has still not acknowledged his death with anything never mind checking in to see if I am alive or dead---cruel, cruel, she runs around with all her money and self styled friends---I will yet have my time with her...my son is on the east coast, calls everyday, is understanding but hates my guilt trap...I cant go get on a plane, I live around all these people who are still carrying on in their little world like tom and I were this time last year. I for one give religion no credit for anything, nor do I science--both have failed us. try reading Marcus Aurelius, meditations. Its Philosophy. You may draw some comfort, distraction from his writings.but **** on those they have an ugly overcrowded resource dwindling world to grow up in.

May 16, 2013
To Appsphyl
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Phyllis, I hope I'm getting your name right.

I truly understand everything you wrote in your latest post to me and to Anonymous. You're 100% right, and my husband must be so happy you said what you said. For so many years he told me to cut ties with my sister, but for the sake of keeping my relationship open with her kids and the rest of the family and for my parents when they were alive, I didn't. I regret it. What nerve to "ban" mefrom discussing how much I miss my husband. To her it's too much negativity, and makes her ill. Well, I'm ill, I lost Hugo, and I feel mentally ill and physically ill, and she has heaped more heartache on me from the night he passed. That was another scene, and she continued at the grave, while he was being lowered into his grave. She's nuts. Mean. Hugo spotted this a long timeago because his Mom was poison, and he cut ties with her over 40 years ago. She doesn't even know he passed.

Life will never be the same, and I am angry like you are about the evil people breathing, when good men like our husbands aren't given a chance to complete their lives when they had so much to do, so much to give. Who knows the answer. I surely do not. This house is a museum, not a home. There is only the sound of theTV when I do put it on--too much junk on it. No one to share anything with not even a little argument.

How do I go on? I don't even know--like a robot, with the most torn-apart heart and a screwed up head filled with worries, and whys.

Please don't stop writing. We speak of sorrow, and I know that people say we should help each other, but I feel this exchange of similar feelings helps me.

I can't wait to sleep a few hours--that's the only time I don't hurt, cry, or scream.

Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 16, 2013
To: Lord Is My Strength...
by: Liz

Thank you for letting me know the rules. I have found a doctor. Have to calm down, and not let people get me even more sad than I am already.
Hope you continue to write. Love, Liz

May 16, 2013
To Anonymous who wrote to me about her husband Tom
by: Lisa (Liz)

Dear Anonymous, wish I knew your name, but it's understandable to stay anonymous. I am so sorry about the sudden passing of your so beloved and wonderful Tom, your dear husband who did not deserve to leave so suddenly. He is, I believe, watching you being so distressed and upset, and he did not want to leave, just like my Hugo didn't. Though I knew Hugo was so sick, and we tried to keep him alive, I knew from day one when he was diagnosed that I would lose him. That night was still a shock because every day, I kept holding on, and so did he. We thought there would be a miracle. I said to God, "God, Hugo is so good, please do it for him, if you don't want to do it for me."

I do not hide my crying or my grief, and I will no longer listen to anyone who says I should move on, sell my house, etc. No. I am still too much in shock, and this separation hurts so much. I cannot go anywhere except to the necessary places like the store, bank, post office, or my attorney's office. I had to take care of legal matters because I have no children, and I had to be sure someone would be in charge of things when I die. How horrible. My husband and I expected to do all this together, to retire, to move to a smaller house and start living again. No, none of it will come to fruition. It's all over, like my life--part of me went with him that July night that is a nightmare to me each day since then.

I understand your grief, and you can write any time to all of us here. We write the same things because we feel the same way. Only we know how it is, no one else does unless they have crossed this horrid threshold of "death" - I hate that word.

We miss our husbands, and as for myself, I hope I don't live a long life like my Mom. She passed at 97, but of the 97 years 13 of them were of "no life" -- she had the worst Alzheimer's/dementia. She didn't know me the last 6 years of he life, never moved much and kept her eyes closed. After she passed, and I knew she was with my Dad in Heaven, it was my and my husband's turn. Then, he was diagnosed, and died. So here I am, alone forever until I go.

Blessings to you. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 15, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Liz on your post 4-26-13 somewhere in that date. You requested information from the doctor, and e-mail address. But I read this blogs guide lines and they do not post doctors names or email addresses

The Lord is my Strength

May 15, 2013
to LIZ (Lisa)
by: Anonymous

Dear Liz;
My Tom died just march 19 of this year sudden and untimely. I have been making the rounds on all these sights many have lots of common threads but for me personally, reading yours is as if I wrote it...yep, when we get punished like this and are expected somehow to recover yet all you read is how depressing and bad this thing called "life" is now it doesn't make me feel like sticking around. I know god isn't perfect but I think he really has been screwin up a lot lately. There is just too much sadness. Too many sub-humans left to carry on so undeserving of drawing their next breath. my tommy was taken w/a heart attack only 63, home for nearly five years. we too, did everything together and didn't need anyone else--why would you, if you married your best friend. problem is god played a little game with us and gave him an asymptomatic heart attack which we mistook for indigestion. I am now plagued with tortuous guilt over not immediately calling an ambulance and worse it gets---I really do just want to die, most of me has anyway after 31 years? My husband took good care of himself and I of him and this is our reward. I was present for the whole thing---images? Friends? Family? we are on our own. I can only wish some moments of solace when your brain can be slightly distracted before it kicks back into your previous life. I would never in a million years thought I would be here already. --its pure unbearable torture---

May 14, 2013
To:Anonymous
by: Appsphyl

I read your post and I most certainly agree that people are self centered and hateful and sometimes spiteful. I had one of the most kind, wonderful husband that anyone could have and why he had to die is still a mystery to me. He had never been sick and we thought he was healthy. Little did we know he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine and it was putting extra pressure on his heart. He did not feel well on Saturday or Sunday, and at 3:00 he started praying and I called 911 and by the time they got to my house (within 5 minutes) he was gone. We never know when or how we will go or why God seems to take the good ones and let the rotten ones live. People can be cruel and mean as they think you should go on as if nothing happened. That is why I feel good about talking to people on this site as we all know how each other feels. All our husbands died in different ways, some were sick, some were not, but we are all tied together trying to go on and have some sort of a life. People that you thought were your friends turn out not to be and others can not understand why you don't do certain things. As I have said to Liz (Lisa) I know I will see Bill again. I do not know when, but it can be soon enough for me as he was my whole life. We had been retired for the past 3 1/2 years and did everything together. It is hard for me to go anywhere or do anything as I am always thinking of what we did. I hate to see couples, as I have no one now. I know we will all get through this eventually, but it is hard and everyday brings a new challenge. I try to stay away from negative people and take one day at a time at my own pace. None of us grieve the same and we must all find our peace. It will take time for all of us. I know I will never be a whole person like I was before as a major part of me is gone. Take care and feel free to write me anytime. I don't have any answers, but I have to believe so that I will be able to be with Bill again. Love, Phyllis

May 14, 2013
I HATE LIFE, anD PEOPLE CAN BE SELFISH
by: Anonymous

I hate to say this but now in hindsight I know it is true: my sister is happy my husband died because he was so much better in every way than hers, and she hated that he was successful. She plays a fake role, but I finally got it. MY husband did everything for her and her kids, but she turned out to be a loss after he died.

I miss him, life is horrible without him, and worse with the treatment I receive from the devil of a sister I have. Life is unfair. My husband was so kind, good, generous, and he is gone, and the selfish, lousy ones live on. Do you get it?

One day, we will know the mystery of this life we live here like running maniacs. What for?
Anonomous

May 14, 2013
To: Liz (Lisa)
by: Appsphyl

Liz, I read your message last night, but wanted to sleep on what I wanted to write back to you. I really do know what you are going through. Bill and I were both only children, so we had no one else. However, my mother was a lot like your sister. It was always her way or no way and when she wanted it. When Bill and I got married, the pastor told us the best thing to do was to move to California to get away from my mother. She was poison and tried to inflict her mood and life on everyone else. I finally had to cut ties with my mother for my own sanity. Like Hugo, Bill tried his best but to no avail. I don't know what your sister is thinking or what your relationship was like before your husband got sick. I can only tell you for my sanity, I had to cut ties, but I am not saying this is what you should do. Everyone's situation is different. But you have to live your life, no one else can live it for you and you can not live for anyone else. Like the Rick Nelson song, Garden Party, says, I can't please everyone, so I have to please myself. I truly believe this. I know you are sad and lonely, but you can and will make it through this. No, I am not strong or ok with my situation. I may smile some and seem happy, but deep down I am not. I, like you and others on this site am really angry, sad and miss my love one so much. I try to go on and do and live how I think Bill would want me to and I really think Hugo wants that for you. As upset and angry as I am, I know Bill and Hugo and the others are waiting for us and one day we will all be together again. I have to believe this as this is what gets me through the day. Please take care Liz and when you are feeling down and blue, write me. I do not have the answers, but I am here to listen and talk to you. Hang in there girl, we are all in this together. Remember, you have friends and we are here for you. Love, Phyllis

May 13, 2013
P.S. TO MY NOTE TO APPSPHYL: 5/13
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Phyllis, I forgot to refer to the college your husband went to; I'm sure his grandson will remember that trip.

What's good in my life--nothing. Left alone again. I'm not a mother, but my niece was told by me I'd be traveling the 3 hours on Friday to the cemetery. Then, the last minute on Saturday, she says why don't I take another long trip and she'll pick me up on Sunday in NYC? I said, "I can't, I just went there 2 days prior to Sunday to visit my Mom's grave, my Dad's grave, myaunt's grave, and of course, Hugo's grave. All very heartbreaking--I cried all day, and I was tired.

I wondered why her Mom didn't call me back on Mother's day when I wished her on her voice mail (she didn't pick up her phone) a Happy Mother's Day. Now today, I was told by my sister that she wants to hear only positive things and not hear me cry or discuss my dead husband. You see, 5 weeks ago,her husband was diagnosed with cancer of esophagus, but caught very early. He still works, gets mild chemo and radiation and is doing well. From day one when I was told, I've done nothing but fill all of them with POSITIVE speaking--"He's going to 110% better, cured, etc." Now, she tells me to shut up about discussing my husband, how I miss him, and how I wish he had had a better chance, but from the beginning (with pancreatic/liver cancer) we knew what little if no chance he had, but we went on and tried and hoped and prayed for a miracle.
She has always been, "her way or the highway." And I really got it, not the first time. AFter my husband died, she didn't call me for 2 months. She punishes people if they say one little thing that she misinterprets. She is trying to destroy me, and she is succeeding.
I am, I believe, in this constant grief and worse than anyone else because she has really beaten meup so to speak since he passed. He was so good to her, her kids.

Was I wrong to give her positive thoughts, but still say I wish Hugo were here and didn't have that bad cancer?

Sometimes family really can get me so upset. My husband would always tell me to ignore her ignorance and meanness.

What do you say? You seem so calm, maybe you can shed some light as to how I should handle this.

Feeling very upset about a lot. I know I'll see him, but I don't want to go on too much longer.
He must be angry with me for taking someone like her to heart and suffering even more because of her commands to me. She's done a lot to hurt me since he passed. My friends tell me to cut ties with her.

Love Lisa

May 13, 2013
To: Liz (Lisa)
by: Appsphyl

Liz, just read your post and I know what you are going through. Please don't give up, just hang in there. I can't promise you things will get better because I don't know. All I know is what I believe and for some odd reason, unknown to all of us, God had a purpose for taking our husbands and leaving us. I wish it had of been me and I told Bill several times when we talked about dying that I hoped I went first. He always told me that it would be him and I would and could handle things, that I would be strong. I am trying to be strong but some days it is very difficult. I wish I lived in a place where I could see deer. Bill and I both love animals and no matter where we went, we would try to find some in the woods. We found one place while on vacation where deer were and we kept going back and parking and having our lunch there. It was beautiful. Please, Liz, take care of yourself, that is what Hugo would have wanted. He will be waiting for you when it is your time. I know, I pray all the time that I could die, but for some reason, I am still here. Guess I am too mean. Seriously, please write me anytime and let's help each other. I am always here, and feel a closeness to you. Maybe we were meant to be here for each other. Get better soon and write me anytime. Love, Phyllis

May 13, 2013
AppsPhyl
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Plyllis,
I just read your post from Mothers' Day, Your Birthday and Daughter's Birthday. A blessed wish to both of you. And I know it was the 9th month anniversary of your Bill's death; it will be 9 months for Hugo's passing on July 29th. I remember that evening like it was just now--the most saddest, frightening experience of my life, and it has changed my life forever until I die.

I've been sick with my bad stomach all weekend and prior to that. It was OK for a week, I don't know why, but it's back very bad. I also overworked in the yard and my neck-both sides hurts.

Glad you bought some flowers. We can't have any, the deer eat everything. Hugo put up deer fencing every year until the year he died. I had my family put it up (not so good as he did it), but they never got here to take it down, and I had to pay someone to do it, like everything else, I pay for things that my husband did so easily and perfectly.

I am in a dark place where I just want to die.
The emotions have taken over badly, and my ailments, especially my stomach and digestive tract are getting me too depresses to want to go on. My husband will not come back, and I must get to him. I hope God will forgive me if I can't go on any more.

My heart is just too broken, I'm alone too much, and I see no future for me. I'm like the song, "All By Myself." Going to the cemetery last Friday really go to me. It's a long trip, and I cry going, while I'm there, and coming home.
Life is a tragedy to me now.

I hope you're doing better than I am. Love Lisa

May 12, 2013
To: Liz,Nirmala,Not enough time, Ginny,The Lord is my strength
by: Appsphyl

Hi girls, just wanted to say hello to all of you and hope all are doing better. It has been a cool, windy day here in NC. Much better than all the rain and flooding we have had over the past few days. As most of you have read, today is not only mother's day, but my birthday, my daughter's birthday and the 9th month of Bill's dying. It has been a bitter sweet day for me. I went to my daughter's for lunch and went Thursday to my son's as he works on Sunday. Then I went to Lowe's and purchased a lot of flowers for the back deck. Bill loved flowers and could always buy the small ones and transplant them, but I can't so like everything else, I have to buy the ones already potted and hope they last the summer. I am doing about the same, still crying a lot and wondering why. I know we all wonder and maybe one day we will get our answer. Like I have said before, the only thing that gets me up and going are my cats. They are so sweet and loving and they are always with me no matter where I am. I, like most of you, am learning how to try to do things I have never done. Some of the things, like the yard and having a new lock put on my front door, I have to pay to have done, but I am going to try my hand at painting. I am going to start with the bathroom, it is not too big. It is very hard for me to go out anywhere, as I always see couples, young and old, and it breaks my heart and sets me crying. Liz, I understand how you feel when you go out, it is like we don't belong anywhere and can't seem to find our place. The good news, is that my daughter's son, has been accepted at the Honors College at Appalachian State in Boone and will be going in August. This was Bill's college and I know he is so proud of Taylor. We started taking him to football games when he was seven months old and he has been going ever since. I don't think the kid had a chance of going anywhere else. I hope each of you write me back and tell me something good that is going on in your life, I think it makes us feel better and we can know each other a little better. I know we all are sad and not sure what lies in the future, but I believe, even though it is hard some days, that I will be with Bill again. I don't know when, but I will be with him again. I hope all of you have a good day and good week and please keep in touch. I will keep all of you in my prayers. With love, Phyllis

May 08, 2013
To appsphyl, May 8, 2013, 9:40 a.m. US
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Phyllis, I just read your message to me and the others. I too sometimes waver a lot in my faith about a reunion in Heaven, the aftelife.
The faith you have is stronger than mine, and I hope your belief comes true-to see your Bill again. I go through the day, my only connection with the outside world is when I have to reluctantly go to the bank, grocery shopping, post office, etc. I hate it. Everyone is oblivious to my sorrow, and I feel as though I can't believe it is I who is the own in pain. I used to observe people who looked sad and wondered why. Now, I know, maybe they lost someone they loved. I look sad all the time, and everytime someone asks me how I am doing, I reply not good, and they look like they can't stand the same old answer, that I should feel better and smile. Too bad. I am in an anger state today, and was yesterday. I am angry he is not here and I am; I live in "our" home, drive "our" car, have to look at his things, and it hurts and I feel guilty. Why didn't God take me. My husband always said he'd go first even though I insisted I was going to die. I had minor illnesses and never really felt 100% right--one thing or the other, mainly because of my pesonality, perhaps--anxious, worrier, etc. Anyway, here I am, like you, left alone to exist. Sometimes I block out the good memories because I want them back, now. I want him to walk through the door to continue what we had. Sometimes I regret time wasted on other things, and like we don't realize how something can change, like death coming instantly, and you never thought it would now.
I hate this life without him. Often, I wonder if this site is doing any of us any good because we are grieving the same way, with no answers. But at least, for me anyway, it shows me I'm not crazy and other wives who lost their husbands feel as I do, go through the same panic attacks, sorrow, emptiness and longing for yesterday, and wish that this wasn't so. I beg God to return him, but I know that illogical thinking/or is it?
I read that if in your heart you believe God will do it, He will. That's where religious, the Bible, everything I read to search for an answer confuses me more, and makes me lose faith. How do you make God believe you if it may sound selfish to him and he knows that it's what I want and it's a selfish request?

Today it is pouring, and I think my gutters near the kitchen aren't working right. I have that burden now of not knowing what is wrong; my husband fixed things or knew who to call or what to do instead of paying people. I have to call people now for everything he managed here. It's a burden, a lot of money, and makes me sad because it reminds me my husband isn't here. I cry whenever anything goes wrong, and I wish he were here to stop my crying and worrying.

I'll write again soon. I write on here and on the other page I told you about. lOVE, Liz (Lisa)

May 07, 2013
To: Liz
by: Appsphyl

Thanks for writing me back. I am enjoying our talks and know that I am not alone in how I feel. I guess the only way to explain why I feel that I will see Bill again is my faith. It is really wavering now and I am still angry and upset and sometimes mad at God, but for several months before Bill died, we would talk about being together again. I always told him I would go first as I was seven years older than he was but he kept telling me I was the strong one and it would be him. I don't know how he knew or if he knew but he told me to stay strong and believe and we would be together one day. I have to believe that or I could not keep going. I feel like I have a big hole in me that can never close. No matter what I think about, I can see him and remember some remark he made. He was so good and kind and funny. I, like you and the rest on this site miss having my love one with me. All I can say is we will be together again and I will do what I have to do here in this life to make sure I am with him again. I know how much he loved me and I know he knows how much I loved him. I hope you and all the others that read this have a good mother's day and some peace in your lives. I know one day I will have that peace, but for now I just keep getting up, crying, do what I have to do and go to bed. This site has been a great help and Liz, please keep writing me and anyone else, I would appreciate your comments anytime. Love, Phyllis

May 06, 2013
To: 'I still feel him..."
by: Lisa (Liz)

I know hat you mean, we all are going through allthis heartache. you are young, and I can see why you tried to date. I will never even think of it because I was with my husband 46 years, and I just would compare everyone to him. But, it doesn't cross my mind. If I were 30, maybe. But I doubt it. It's difficult, and I understand how you feel. I think all our husbands want us to be happy, but they really do know we are miserable without them here. I wish I could dream of my husband, but I don't. I don't feel his presence. Maybe it's because I cry too much. I am always crying and sad.

I hope you will write again. We are here for each other--it's a lousy web site to be one, we'd rather we were on a cooking web page, and not believing that we lost our husbands and have to write here. I never would have thought that last year at this time, when he was still with me.

I just exist. Have no children, so it makes it worse. Stay close to your children; they too are grieving so much for their Dad and for you, watching how sad you are. Life realy s---s right now, and will always for me. I can't stand it without him.

Take care. Love, Lisa (Liz)

May 06, 2013
To Appsphyl
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Phyllis,

I just read your post to all of us. It is going to be a very difficult day for you on Mother's day and your birthday and daughter's too. I feel so sad for you, for all of us.

I, too, as you know I've said it before, am angry that the lousy husbands hang around, and their wives don't even care about them, and here we are left so heartbroken and sad and miss our husbands so much. I have a lot of questions.

Where do you get your faith that you will see him for sure? I try so hard to keep that in my heart, but what is wrong with me, I can't believe it as you do, though I want to. God will punish me; I should trust Him and He will help me.

I send you love, and I hope that next Sunday you are able to get through the day without too many tears. I will be crying too. I have to visit my Mom and Dad and Godmother at the same cemetery my husband's buried in, and what a horrible trip that is. I cry going and coming back home, ALONE. I feel like an orphan.

Take care, Love, Liz (Lisa)
Hope you'll keep writing.

May 06, 2013
I still feel him
by: Anonymous

I too lost my husband who was also my best friend. Its been 3 years now and with me only being in my late 30s, I still long for his touch. I've tried to move on with my life by dating. This seems to just be a waste of time. I'm constantly looking for him and I know that sounds crazy. He was my everything. We had so much fun together yet we were so different. Every guy I meet, I compare them to him. I've only been with 1 man on one occasion about a year ago. Even then, I knew that I wasnt ready to move forward with that part of my life.. I literally cried after because I missed him so much. However, I didn't tell my new mate why I was crying at first. The next day, I told him that out was too soon for me and that I think we should just be platonic friends. I still work everyday, be a mom to our kids, and even go out from time to time but now theres no feeling of fulfillment just time being passed. I long for my husbands touch so much, its like I can still feel him.....I often long for a companion just for conversation and that feeling of togetherness but it seems these days..."I'm just living on memories"

May 05, 2013
To: Liz,Nirmala,Not enouth time, Ginny,"T"
by: Appsphyl

I have just read all your post and know exactly how you are feeling. It has been and still is a rainy day here in NC. That was my husband's favorite time, we would sit in front of the fireplace, listen to music and read. I can see him in his favorite place with his book. He loved history and taught me a lot. I, too, am dreading Mother's day. It is not only Mother's Day, but my Birthday and our daughter's Birthday. I do wish it was time for me to go to Bill, but I guess that is not in the plan right now. I do have my cats, who I dearly love and they are a great comfort to me. The main thing I don't understand is why God chose to take our husbands, who were good and kind and loved, and let's all the terrible ones still live, like murderers and rapists. It really makes me ask questions. It is good to be able to vent to all of you on this site as I know we all feel the same and don't understand. Thank all of you for being there and understanding. I cry all the time even when I am out as I think of something we did together or something Bill said. Like I have said before the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I am going to see him and be with him. Till then, his memory, laugh and love will always be with me. Take care and talk with you all soon. Love, Phyllis

May 04, 2013
To "T"
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear "T" I just read your recent post on this site. You said the exact things that I've been saying since my husband of 44 years passed away, except, I go even further: I am so frustrated and desperate that I keep asking God to send him back. So, is that crazy? No, it's depression for separation from him, just like you feel. In the beginning, after the true realization set in, I wanted to die, and I still do.

The pains, are anxiety: I have stomach trouble, back aches, etc., some are from anxiety, sadness, some I had before. I hate this life without my husband. We had no children, that makes it much worse. No one, no legacy, nothing to remind me of him. Only memories, pictures, which I cannot go to, they sadden me and make me feel worse.

Therapy, I've been told to do it; I won't. I sleep 3 hours, then get up, sleep again, and get up every half hour. We, too, did every single thing together except when he was at work.
Life is not and never will be the same, and I am angry, sad, depressed, and feel so sick in my head sometimes that I feel I am having some kind of problem with my head.

I have no answers, and friends and family don't get it. I don't worry if they get tired of me, then they aren't really friends. Some times, my family doesn't call me for a whole week. Don't they get that I am alone, and what a horrible expeience it is to lose someone after so long being together--we met 47 years ago, but were married 44 years. That can't just be thrown under the rug, and forgotten, but that's what people think we should do after a certain amount of time. I scream sometimes to God to let him come back. Everything, every place, every thought includes him, but he is not here. I would rather die and I pray there is a place where I will see him and my parents again and be together. This world is foreign to me now, just a place, without him. I am a robot getting by day to day. Sorry, I did not comfort you, but I cannot lie like others who keep saying it gets better, meantime, they are holding their husbands' hands, etc. What do they know? Nothing.

Please write here, or on recover-from-grief.com, my sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks ago. That is the entire web page you can google and we usually post to each other there too.

Love, Lisa (Liz is the name I use on these pages, but my name is Elisa (Lisa for short).

May 03, 2013
To Ginny, May 3, 2013
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Ginny

I am glad you decided to keep reading our posts, and that it makes you feel you are not alone in how you feel, etc. We feel this way, obviously, in my opinion because we had great spouses. It is true because I heard some women in my doctor's waiting room the other day say how they wish their retired husbands would get lost, they get on their nerves. I wanted to tell them I'd trade places with them--my husband never got to retire, died, and I miss him, I'd give anything to have him around no matter what he was doing. But he never nagged, and he was always busy. I miss him too much to stand it and some days are worse than others.

I hope you will continue to visit this post, and also a great one is "recover-from-grief.com, my sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks ago." Most of us post on there every day and night. sOME of us are far from each other, but others are not too far, but we are close anyway no matter where we live. We share that bond--which I wish were a bond developed from hobbies, and not losing our husbands/wives.

Stay close, love, Liz (Lisa) - USA, New York

May 03, 2013
Not enough time.
by: T

Every day is a huge struggle.I can't even believe I'm getting up and dragging myself to work.I'm just like a zombie going through the motions.In my crazy head, I feel that if I keep pushing myself everything will be fixed but we all know that's not true!I don't know what I'm doing, just keep going through the motions until I die too? My body is in pain like I've been digging ditches for days. Sometimes I get a cramp in my neck and I can't turn my head for hours. I'm sure it's stress and lack of sleep. Everyone keeps trying to get me to take medication to sleep.I'm afraid...in my emotional, unstable state of mind, I don't need to introduce chemicals to push me over the edge of a nervous breakdown. I miss my schmoopy so much. That's all I want to say to everyone. I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM, I MISS HIM EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. When I stop and think that I'll never speak to him or see him again I just fall apart crying. Pretty soon everyone is going to get real sick of my misery and sadness but let me tell you, it's not going to go away! My company offers 5 free sessions of therapy.After 5 I use my insurance for any other sessions. Maybe this can give my family and friends a break from me. Have any of you gone to a therapist? I never have.I think I need help because like many of you have also said, my husband was my best friend,we spent all of our time together. Boating, fishing, going to the beach, walks in the park, cooking, watching movies, taking road trips, working in the yard. Together! Always just the two of us because we were happy together. On Holidays and special occasions we would spend time with family. Now, what am I without him. The lonely, sad, pathetic Aunt T. The lonely sad pathetic co-worker. Like many of you say "I hate my life". My sweetheart's birthday is coming up later this month. God help me.

May 01, 2013
I understand.
by: ginny

To Everyone who has shared their thoughts and feelings,
I wrote several months back and have been quietly following your comments. They have all been so helpful to me and I could relate to so many of them. Thanks to each of you for being so honest, open, and helpful as you have shared your feelings and responses to the deaths of your beloved spouses and partners. Every situation is different, I know, but it has amazed me how so many similar feelings and behaviors we share (like talking to our departed husbands when no one is around...). Bless you all for being so honest. It has been enormously helpful.

May 01, 2013
to: appsphyl
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Phyllis, I just saw your post today, May 1st.
Time is going by so fast, but not my pain. Like you, I can't get over this separation. Like you, we were one really. Always together. At least you had retirement time together. We had none; my husband was diagnosed, went on leave, but then they wouldn't take him back saying that pancreatic cancer was not something that would be cured. What nerve. It is true, though, he was diagnosed Stage 4 with it already in other organs, blood vessels, etc. A nightmare, and I'm sure it depressed him, but he never let on. Together we fought, but we lost the battle. He's gone, I keep asking God to send him back that it wasn't his time, etc., but it won't happen.

I feel sorry for the other ladies who lost their husbands at a young age, and they are young too. They can't collect any social security (even though it's not much), and they have children.

I do wish we had had kids so I could look at them and see some of my husband in them. There is nothing left. What's left are his tools, machines, clothes (so many) and all the beautiful things he did inside and outside of our home.

I hate life now; I exist. Without him, it will never be the same. I don't care if a prince charming comes to my door (highly unlikely), I will never want to "replace" him, and I will never love anyone but him.

I hope I can keep my faith up and believe that he is waiting for me and remembers me and loves me.

Take care, write any time. I'm here always. I've been trying to stop the hanging around crying, so with Spring here, I have been cleaning up the yard; the rest will be up to the lawn guy I had to hire. That killed me to do because my husband took great care of this place. They do bare minimum and charge a lot. Selfish world we live in. Some good people, and others are just for themselves. I'm glad I married a generous, kind, good-hearted man.

Love, Liz (Lisa)

May 01, 2013
To: Not Enough Time
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear Not Enough Time,
I am so sorry for your recent loss; and believe me my heart hurts for you because I have been through every single part of grief there is to experience: crying, screaming, no sleep, not eating, depressed, lonely, but most of all asking why???? I miss my husband so much that there are days I tell him and God that I don't think I can go on. You are safe here to write any time, we all feel the same way. I tell everything that in my heart and on my mind and I don't care if some may think I am crazy, but I ask God every day, if He can do it for my husband, please send him home.
When the holidays came, I stayed home for Thanksgiving alone. For Christmas, I reluctantly went to my niece's house--the first time without my husband of 44 years, NO TREE, NOTHING. HE LOVED CHRISTMAS AND HE SPOILED ME WITH GIFTS AS THOUGH I WERE A KID. IT'S ALL GONE, BUT MOST OF ALL I DON'T CARE ABOUT GIFTS, I CARE ABOUT HIM NOT BEING HERE. HE TOOK CARE OF ME, THE HOUSE, AND NOW IT IS ALL UP TO ME. He didn't want to give up, but his cancer was so lethal it won. He was worried about me until he took his last breath.

Retirement: he never got to retiring after working around 48 years of his 64 years of life.
Unfair, and I am at times angry on top of sad, etc.

Sometimes I feel strong faith and believe he is OK and in Heaven, other times I question it because I am no Bible scholar, and this death has turned me around to being confused about the after life.

So, please write whenever. If you want to use another name instead of your first name, use a nickname. I used Liz, but my name is Elisa and Lisa for short--which everyone calls me, or Lee.
My husband called me Babe.

Life has changed drastically for us, and I don't know how we are supposed to proceed. I can't stand when I'm told one day at a time, and it gets better. I will never stop missing him. Everything I do, see, etc., reminds me he is gone, and it is not us anymore.

Take care. Love and understanding from my heart,
Liz (Lisa)

May 01, 2013
All women that lost their husbands
by: Nirmala

I was surprised to see another woman 49, losing her husband that was 53 years old, mine turned 51 after death. But for some reason even while watching tv I could not really being old like other people, he died having full head of hair hardly any grey. He used to constantly tell people he gives me all the stress that is the reason he still had almost perfect black hair. A perfectionist, could not be bothered with this imperfect world. All of us hate to be part of this club where there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is just more darkness. Mothers day is another day I am not looking forward to, last year we had a house full of people, three sets of family and friends came home starting from the night before. This year my brother will be obligated to call my kids and I, since my mother is with them. I wish I could go out for a quiet lunch with my children.
I really hate my life

Apr 30, 2013
I hate to join your group but need you all.
by: Not enough time.

Yesterday was 1 month since my "schmoopy" passed away, that was my pet name for him that stuck after a funny Seinfeld episode many many years ago. I've been reading many of the comments and I'm at least glad to know that I'm not losing my mind - I'm not the only one begging God for him to come home, crying every single day, talking out loud to him, looking for constant signs from him, feeling fear, unbearable sadness and such despair that I don't know how to go on. I MISS HIM SO MUCH! I was married to my best friend for 14 years, why didn't God allow us to grow old together? He was only 53 and so full of life. Although he was fighting cancer we lived every day like he was winning the fight for 3 years. He was big and strong, 6'2" and 260 lbs and he could do everything. He bounced back so many times. Some people call it denial, I call it love and hope. He was so brave so I stepped up and became brave too.... and now when I need his braveness and emotional strength the most I'm all alone and falling apart. Unfortunately we did not have children like some some of you other lonely, sad widows who have posted so what am I now without my husband? A pathetic 49 year old that just has her job to fill her life. My future is so full of loneliness, sadness and fear.

Our love deserved more time here on Earth.


Apr 30, 2013
To: Sad but not dumb, Liz
by: Appsphyl

I know how you feel, I lost my spouse of 31 1/2 years almost 9 months ago and the pain and hurt are still fresh. I had friends that were there for the first couple weeks, saying call if you need anything. I called and of course they were busy or had something planned. Now, I don't even hear from these so called friends. I do have 2 children, but both work full time and I hate to always ask them, even though they call and say do you need anything. I know they would help but I am trying to do on my own. My husband and I had been retired together for 4 years and the hard part is that we constantly did everything together. Where you saw one, you saw the other one. Liz and I and several others write often and I would love to keep writing to you if you want me too. I wish I could say things get better, but I don't know when. I go and do, but still have a hollow, empty feeling. I live in NC, near the mountains. The hard part is relying on others to do yard, etc. The yard was my husband's baby and he worked in it all the time. Please write me anytime and take care.Love, Phyllis

Apr 29, 2013
To everyone who mourns here...
by: Sad, but not dumb

Dear All who mourn,
please write back to me: Here's my story:
I lost my husband, and life has changed in so many horrible ways, one of them is what I need answers to.

I am so desperate a situation because I lost my only true, honest, loving husband, my friend, true to the core who taught me always not to depend on others because others wll let me down. I really knew he was right, but I didn't always listen. I kind of toook people back who hurt me; it upset him, but he figured it made me feel OK. But often, it hurt him. He loved me and hated to see me hurt by phony idiots.

Now, my dearest angel is gone, and I have to finally let it sink in what he told me for over 35 years, but wouldn't listen. Why is it I learned now, after he isn't here to protect me, and advise me.

My family lives their lives; and I am the forgotten one--no more husband, so I'm just the sister, aunt, nobody. However, when things were good with him alive, they were more respectful, not too much but better than now. They know that my husband did so much around here and that I can't do it, but yet, they put off helping me; it is one excuse after the other. I figured it is truly a lie. One says OK, then says the other has to work, then says the other has things to do. I should not rely on them. So, I said, OK, don't come Saturday, come Sunday; let's see now what they can answer. My husband did so much for these selfish, look-for-what's in it for them people. I am so angry; and if my husband does see from above, he is angry for me.

They are "family" - ha, ha. Big joke. Family was fine when they were wined and dined, given expensive gifts, trips. Now, they don't have the time of day for poor aunt of theirs.

Well, I shall play the game; not rely anymore, try to get strong and make it without them--who are they but for themselves. They go all over, yet a 2 hour trip by car to my place is too much.
They are in their 20's, I'm 60, and they can't help out. Let's see when they lose someone, or when they need me, I hope I have the guts to run away from them. I'm too good, but that's
why I'm in this position. They think I need them, and all my money will go to them. Well surprise--the money situation can be changed, and I will do it. My husband worked hard to save that money for me to live, NOT FOR SNOTTY 20 YEAR OLDS TO GET RICH. Maybe my attorney can help out.

Family, friends, will let you down when you most need them. mY heart hurts, I'm vulnerable, BUT I AM NOT DUMB. I HOPE THEY WILL LEARN THAT.

I WONDER WHAT DO YOU THINK? is this the norm now? Please respond.

SAD, BUT NOT DUMB

Apr 26, 2013
To: appsphyll (Phyllis)
by: Liz (Lisa)

Dear New Friend in this sadness we share, Phyllis:

You do not have to thank me for writing back to you, I love to. I wish we were writing on a different kind of place--like about clothes, houses, draperies, anything but this sad thing that has happened our lives--we lost our most cherished husbands: (your one and only) and Hugo (my dearest Babe). And we suffer the same way. I often wish I could turn back the clock, have done something about it all, but I can't.
I want him to come home, and I even ask God to do it for him, not me. I felt he went too soon; he wasn't afraid to die, but he didn't want to leave me--he was outrageously worried.

I write to 2 other women on this blog, and on the blog: "recover-from-grief.com my sweet and kind husband died 3 weeks ago." We 3 write every day.
One lives not too far from me in NY, but the other lady lives all the way in Australia. I want to meet them both some day, but the 3 of us never go out except to food shop, the bank, etc.
THEY HAVE KIDS - OLDER--IN COLLEGE, AND A FEW MARRIED. WE HAD NO CHILDREN, SO I AM ALONE ALL THE TIME.
Keep writing, please, and if you want to, write on the other blog I mentioned above. Love Liz (Lisa)

Apr 26, 2013
To: Liz
by: Appsphyl

I know how you feel. I try to get out other than going to the grocery store, etc when I have to, but some days I just want to sit on our back deck and cry. The deck was Bill's favorite place to sit and read. I know what you mean about having to hire people to do things that your husband took pride in doing. Nothing is the same and like you I know we can't change anything but sure wish we could. I wish I could turn back the clock, but know I can't and then the same thing would happen. Thank you for writing on this post and know how much it means to me to have someone to talk with. Hope you have a good weekend and hope to talk with you soon. Love, Phyllis

Apr 25, 2013
To: The luckiest Wife in the world
by: Appsphyl

I so agree with you. My husband was wonderful and kind and wanted me to go and do and enjoy life. We did, and I miss that now so much. Just being with him doing nothing would make my day. Now I cry no matter what I do, sure I go places with my friends and sometimes alone, but I come home and cry and think of all the great times we had. At least I will always have his memories but I sure wish I had him. We are all very very lucky to have had our husbands and I know we all miss them very much and in different ways. I can only think of when I can be with him again, to see his smile and hear his voice. I know he knows how much I love him and I sure know how much he loved me. I hope all of you have a great weekend. Love, Phyllis

Apr 25, 2013
appsphyl
by: Liz

Dear Phyllis,

I read your 4/21 post to me; and I thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have no children, I guess you read that already, so I am very lonely, and think children would have helped.

Good luck to your grandson; your husband knows everything from Heaven and he's proud as can be.

We (or I should now I) have friends in NC who used to live in New Jersey. Actually, the male friend worked with my husband for around 32 years, the started almost the same time in the company in NY. Around 6 years ago, their children moved to NC, AND then they followed. I talk to John on the phone often. I cry a lot, and I think he gets upset with me because he doesn't want me to grieve so badly, but that's me. I get up, do what I have to do, and if there's no grocery shopping to do, and if I don't have to go to the bank, I pretty much wait for the day to end and get a few hours of sleep to take me away from the reality of my husband not being here. My anxiety is at a very high level-I call it separation anxiety. I miss him so much that I ask him to come home. I then think that if he hears me, I am upsetting him because he can't comfort me, and he can't come home.

I don't know how I'll get through the summer; I too had to hire people to do everything he did so perfectly. Now I have to pay some stranger to do it all. Everything has changed in my life without him--I can name 100 plus things. All not good.

I hope I can get through the summer, but I dread knowing right around the corner will be Thanksgiving and Christmas--his favorite holidays.
The last tree was put up by him, and after that, I will not put one up again.

Sorry I'm so sad and it's reflected in my post, but I can't hide it.

Love, Liz

Apr 24, 2013
The luckiest girl in the world...
by: Anonymous Wife

Until my husband died, I felt that we were blessed with a pretty good marriage, not perfect, what marriage is? But, he worked his way up, we both had jobs; saved money and bought a house when we were only 25 years old. Things were just going along, busy, and just going through life's little stresses, some big ones too, All along, he wanted to please me, my mother and father, and my family. He was generous wwith me and with them too. He would spend hours to take me shopping for things to wear (I hated shopping and made excuses not to go to the crowded noisey mall.) But he picked out such beautiful things--they all matched. Then he'd insist that I needed shoes and a bag to match. Some days we stayed out shopping for 6 hours! But the other goodness was his kindness, his work ethic, his solutions to problems and other things.

So, I see now what I didn't see too often then: I was the luckiest girl in the world - our world. I am sure many of you can say the same about your husbands. Obviously they were great too, or all of you would not be writing how sad you are, etc.
We, I am going to say, are the luckiets GIRLS IN THE WORLD.

Love to all, Anonymous Wife

Apr 24, 2013
To The Lord Is My strength..4/24/13
by: Liz

I read your message to Kristina, very helpful to her and to me. I don't like pills. Do you remember the web site of the doctor? I don't put my email on any web page, it's not a good idea.
I would like to know about this doctor; I really need help with all my anxiety, depression, etc., from my husband's passing. We've written to each other before. Thank you. Liz

Apr 23, 2013
Kristina, April 23, 2013
by: Liz

Dear Kristina,

I have been reading your messages; and I respect how you are feeling about God, and your deep anger. Kristina, I had so much anger the day my husband was shockingly, without any clue, diagnosed with a "death sentence" - pancreatic cancer, with spread to liver, and no chance to survive. I was angry when the doctor told us so bluntly, I was angry when he and I knew it was coming to the end of our happy life of 46 years together--and we are young-looking, acting for our age of 63 when it all happened. I was angry at the chemo, the lab tests, the constant ER visits, the 7 hospitalizations, his having to take drugs to kill the pain and he never smoked, drank or anything, so these drugs upset him, made him feel lousy about taking them. I was angry when his hair fell out, when he lost 60 pounds; and when he died and I buried a 110 pound man who looked 84, not 64. In between, I was angry for the indignity a man is put through in ICU when you are so sick (diapers, hooked up to machines, etc.) I AM STILL ANGRY SOME DAYS, BUT I DO NOT BLAME GOD. I STARTED READING A LOT, LOOKING FOR ANSWERS ABOUT DEATH, THE AFTERLIFE, IF HEAVEN EXISTS, IF GOD EXISTS--AND I WAS BROUGHT UP A SO-CALLED CATHOLIC, BUT STOPPED GOING TO MASS A LONG TIME AGO.

So, I searched to find comfort: a lot of the Bible scriptures are too confusing, contradictory, and so, I asked questions of bible scholars, I searched; and still I did not believe them 100%; I had to find it in my heart and in my mind how to believe. I came across this:http://www.integratedcatholiclife.org/2011/04/will-we-know-our-loved-ones-in-heaven/
and I read it all. It answered my questions the way I wanted to hear it. Is it correct? I don't care; it comforted me somewhat. But, I look for my husband everywhere, I cry and I scream, and I get angry still. I even think about wishing to die so I could find him. So, I hope you find this. Another good site to visit is power-to-change.comhowmuchwillGod forgive, and you can write to Jamie or Barbara A, and they may be able to explain things to you that will help, maybe.
I undestand, I am dying inside. Your lives were "robbed" from you right after your wedding.
I do not blame you for being so angry.
Love, Liz (my husband called me "Babe, Lee, Lisa, because my real name comes from my Grandmother, Elisabetta (Elizabeth).

Apr 23, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

To Anonymous November 2012 loss - Listen I really dislike people who are very insensitive. For those who keep telling you to stop crying, scholding you and getting on with our life etc. etc. Tell them you are grieving as fast as you can. Sorry, but I just had to state that comment. This folk they just don't get it, are very ignorant, insensitive, sometimes plain stupied, because what comes out of their mouths, can be very painful, especially to someone like yourself, who is grieving a major loss in your life. If it is family try to stay away, as far away as you can from them, because they just don't really get it. On the part of the pills, doctors what do they know, all they know is they try to fix us up with a pill. The one in need of the pill is probably the doctor her/ or himself. I preferablly don't believe that a pill, such as prozac, zoloft, etc. This pills can sometimes be worst for you, then get you any better. They are NOT GOD, although they think they are. Doctors to me are only arrogant people who earn a doctors degree, but are ego driven. I'm sorry, but I have to be honest, and straight forward. I have been through the ringer, and I am so sick and tired of seeing all of this right before my eyes. Depression, anxiety is something very horrible to go through, it is a desease that no one seems to get or understand. I will give you a website, where there is a doctor who don't use drugs to get you better he actually works especially with anxiety. I don't have it right now as I am writting to you, but next time if you respond back I will right down, and e-mail to you. Well for right now I will just let you grief, and I really hope you can somehow get out of your depression. I will prey you will overcome some of this. It is not easy. I know I have been there too.

Apr 23, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Kristina - You know you mention your husband died of a heart attack, but what did the doctors tell you that caused the heart attack. Were there any problems of heart attacks in his family, because sometimes they say that it has to do with history of family. I can only imagine, and feel your disappointment, and devestation, that this took place one week, before you got married. I can and do really understand the reasons you feel the way you do. I respect that, and I just hope your pain easiest as the days go by, or they say time, but all I know is that we are never going to be the same. You grief at your own time, and don't let others tell you how, or when to grief. Outsiders don't understand, because they haven't loss a love one like you, and I. You know for me it's been a yr. and one month, but I still feel like it was yesterday. I have good memories, and very sad ones. I try to think of the happy ones, because his death, was very hard for me, but I held in there with my wonderful, beautiful,humble loving husband, until his last breath. I know his always, around me spiritually, but physically he was suffering alot with this so call Cancer of the blood. My husband died of Lieukimia. Take care for now Kristina.

Apr 22, 2013
to "The Lord Is My Strength"
by: Kristina

I thank you for your kindness. However, I do not share your views on God or Jesus. I am agnostic, and have been for years, and I tell you now that if there is a God then by taking my husband from me s/he has betrayed me and lost any trust I might have had in her/him if I had determined that s/he existed. If there is a God, I do not believe in the Christian version of God/Jesus anyway, though I completely respect that you do -- I respect everyone's spiritual/religious beliefs, although I do not share them.

In any case -- "God" is no comfort to me. If such a being even exists, then s/he is to blame for taking my husband from me. If s/he exists, and if s/he is all powerful, then s/he could have prevented his heart attack, or at least made it minor and recoverable. But s/he didn't, so he died at 40, one week after our wedding, which killed us both.

Apr 22, 2013
To Anonymous - November 2012 loss
by: Anonymous

Anonymous,

We all understand your grief. Most of us lost our husands to sudden illnesses, etc and we understand how devastated youre feeling. Nothing is the same, but you can look at yur 2 beautiful children and see him in them. Unfortunately I have no children, so I have to just look at pictures of him which is hard to do. Everything is different: noone to wake up for work, no one to make breakfast for, to put out his things for his shower (he wasn't lazy, by no means), but I liked to do that. No one to hear from during the day on the telephone, no door to open at night, no one to sleep next to, to kiss, to watch TV with, I can go on an on. It is such an anxiety each day all day and night. It causes me to cry, get panicked, and feel just plain sick from it.
I'm told to get pills, see a psych, or so that will unbreak this ripped to shreds heart and fix my head full of sorrow, memories, and oroblems that I have to solve alone.

I'm sorry for you. Continue to write. This is my only outlet where I feel safe from anyone scholding me for not "getting on" or to stop crying, etc.

Anonymous and totaly alone for the rest of my lousy life.

Apr 21, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

To "My best Friend gone forever" you seem to have somewhat a good head on your shoulders. At least that is what I am picking up from you. Your lucky he left you two precious children, son & daughter, to sad they are growing up with out a father, but I will tell you this. Your husband is watching over you, and his precious children. I know, because the Lord and their guardian angels look after you. As for you my dear Kristina you feel suicidal, please at least try to get some help in counseling or meet wih a loss & grief group. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know the feeling. I wasn't suicidal, but the first like 3 or 4 months I just wanted to be gone, and be with my husband, but unfortunately we are not in control, GOD is and he will call us when his ready for our number. We are still here, because he has a purpose, and a calling to each and every one of us. I am still trying to figure out what the Lord is telling me or my calling and purpose for him. I know sometimes he uses me as an instrument, to hear people's pain, somewhat like my husband, but my husband was an expert, and a legacy in his work, I was just the wife who supported his work, and enjoyed watching him save life's that is what his purpose was here on earth. I sometimes, am so tired, worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally, because like I said I have not been able to mourn and grief my husband, because I had to dive into all this problems that are still occurring, and not fixed completely, everything was half done. Like the issure with the house. I just wish the Lord gave me my miracles, and blessing, but I have to learn to wait, and be patient, because I know he is my Vindicator, he is in control of the storm, and I do decree and declare, somehow with GOD on our side we are always winners. Meaning his there, but sometimes we don't hear or listen, because we are all still in some form of pain. Some of us are worst then others. Sometimes I feel very confuse, at other times. I say "in all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path" I think, any ways lady's when you feel scared, fear, lonely, angry, just call on Jesus, say help me Jesus, and your guardian angels as well they will come to your rescue, but stay away from people who just don't get it. They are scared, because they don't really know what to say, but they always come out with something stupid, toxic, or insensitive, just prey for those people. They will some day, understand, when they go through, what we are going through. Only people in our shoes know that feeling, but I don't wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. GOD be with you all, and may your days get better. GOD bless you all for now, in Jesus name. Lety

Apr 21, 2013
To: Liz
by: Appsphyl

I also read all the post and it does make me feel better to know I have friends who knows what I am going through. The hardest thing for me is the yard and our flowers. Bill mowed our yard 3 times a week and the flowers were perfect. Now I have to pay someone to mow and he will only mow it once a week. I tried my hand at planting flowers but they died, so now I am buying flowers that I don't have to transplant and put them on our decks. My name is Phyllis and I live in North Carolina. Today I am just feeling empty and hollow inside. Our grandson will start Appalachian State as a freshman this fall and he was Bill's pride and joy. He is really a history buff like Bill. I know Bill is so proud of him and I wish he could be here for him. Please contact me anytime, I really enjoy talking to you.
Phyllis

Apr 21, 2013
Anonymous
by: Nirmala

I absolutely feel your pain, losing your husband when you were pregnant. My husband died on December 11 th less than a month after your husband died. I know how deep your pain is, I still have not able to do the usual things. I cannot even watch the news for the past 4 months and 11 days. I applaud your courage, I am sure your kids will help you a lot. My husband also died of a heart attack at age 50. I never thought I would end up alone at age 49.

Apr 21, 2013
my best friend gone forever
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband November 23, 2012. He was my soulmate and my rock. I was seven and a half months pregnant with our daughter, who was born January 14th, 2013. We already have a six year old son. My son and I were home when my husband passed from a heart attack very suddenly. It is so much to bear, we were together for 21 years and in July would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I have gone through all the stages of grief, but am trying to appreciate the fact that I have two beautiful children because of this wonderful man that I love with my whole heart. I try to take it day by day and realize it is ok to cry, be mad, or any other emotion I am feeling. It's normal and I am fortunate that I had such a strong love with him because that is such a rarity.

Apr 21, 2013
Kristina April 21, Sunday afternoon
by: Liz

Kristina,

I feel the same way and have the same thoughts as you wrote to appsphyll. I hope it doesn't get so bad for me that I just give up. I'm sick, heatbroken, miserable, lonely, and wander how long I an go on. Liz

Apr 21, 2013
To: appsphyl
by: Liz

Dear Appsphyl,

I don't know your name, sorry; but I do read your posts, and I read your 4/19/13 post.

I can bearly make it to the supemarket or little places we went to; and I am really hopeful for you that you were able to make it to the anniversary hotel, etc. I don't know where you got the strength--I would have fallen apart to pieces.

Yes, I am angry too when I see the meanness, even from family and friends who think nothing of not calling me for weeks even though they know I am ALONE, VERY ALONE, GRIEVING SO BADLY, AND THEY KNOW IT. Selfish.

I never knew I'd find myself like this: alone, in our house that he took care of, having to make decisions where to spend what I can afford to hire people to do things he did so well.

I miss him too much that most days I cry, stay home, feel sick, sometimes I feel weird aches, funny feelings in my head, etc. I often stay in bed some times during the day and my mind wanders to what to do, and then I say to myself, how can I get rid of many things if I decide to sell our home that he loved? He had so many things in the garage and basement, where do I decide to start?
Getting rid of even one little thing is so hard to even think about. I lost him, and for now that is too much to bear all the time. The days are long, and I cannot procrastinate. I must get things in order, I have no kids, and I have to get my mind set on what to do, but it hurts.

I cannot believe he is gone; I can't accept it, though I know it's true, and he can't come back.
Sometimes I wish the world would end, so I could go and not have to go on my own which I can't do because in my conscience and heart, my husband would not want me to do anything, and of course, my belief is GOD WILL NEVER LET ME INTO HEAVEN WHERE I COULD BE REUNITED WITH MY HUSBAND. I'M SURE HE IS THERE.

How did this happen? How did we become a w -- I can't write the whole word/name. I hate it.

How do we go on? I have no answers. But you can write to me any time. These posts, though, I have found seem to be 2 days late. I write steadily to 2 women, and sometimes it takes 3 days for an answer. One of them gave me her e-mail, but I will not put mine on this web page.
So, I rely on this site to write to other people.

Take care--I say that, but I don't even take care of myself, I exist, do what's necessary, and that's it. My life ended when my husband died.

Love, Liz

Apr 20, 2013
to Appsphyl
by: Kristina

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Appsphyl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't know what else to do but offer virtual hugs. I know how you feel; I feel the same way.

Sometimes I hesitate to say what I really feel because I am suicidal (though I won't kill myself because I promised my family I wouldn't) and I am worried that I would "spread" that feeling to other people, which I don't want to do. But I will say that I don't at all believe that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle". Clearly God, if such a being exists, DOES slam us with more than we can handle.

In any case, I hope somehow you are able to feel at least a little bit better.

Apr 20, 2013
All the ladies
by: Nirmala

Life goes on, though we are not willing to be active participants. It is really scary to see the outside world is going on without us. I do not have to go to a therapist to find out what I already know. My sister in law assures me I will once again enjoy my life after a while. For now I don't have real desires for myself, I only want my children to settle down happily. Not being a religious person does not help me either, but religion seems so artificial. When I was younger we were associated with Theosophical society, they believe in universal brotherhood. I wish I could attend their meetings, unfortunately they convene only in Manhattan. I hate to go to the city, I drive a lot but I prefer not to drive to Manhattan. I have not taken public transportation in so many years I would not know where to start. It is such a quiet day, absolutely nothing is happening. My son has an important basketball game he will watch today, maybe I will watch with him.

Apr 19, 2013
To: Rita,Liza,Kristina,Nirmala & The Lord is My Strength
by: Appsphyl

The past week has really been bad for me. Last Friday,the 12th, was the 8th month of Bill dying,and yesterday, the 18th, would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary. I went down to a little hotel that we always went to on our anniversary and had a good cry. I sat by the fireplace and remember all the great times we had. Then I cried and cried and cried. I too, like many of you want my husband back and know that is not possible. I try to stay strong, but it is so hard especially when you see mean people all around you and they are still alive and your special one is not. I know God is not suppose to give you more than one can bear, but I really do not know why he took a special person and left me, knowing I would be angry and sad and hurt. It is a great relief to be able to post on this site to others who know and relize what we are each going through. Like I have said before the only thing that keeps me going is my cats, and the knowledge of knowing I will be with Bill one day.

Apr 19, 2013
To: The Lord Is My Strength 4/19
by: Liz

Dear The Lord Is My Strength:

I haven't heard back from you or others I write to on this web page.

I am going through a bad week. I hope you write back, so that I know you're OK and that I am going to be able to get messages.
Liz

Apr 18, 2013
Nirmala
by: Liz

Nirmala, have written two times, have not seen any posts from you anywhere. Have not heard from Jenny either. If you hear from Jenny, please ask her to send a post that she is OK. She writes on "My sweet & kind husband died 3 weeks ago", and she may not know this web page.

Are you OK? Where are both of you? I feel sad when I don't hear from you. Liz

Apr 18, 2013
To all my new friends on this site
by: Appsphyl

I have been reading and responding some to all of you and it is good to be able to relate to others that know what I am going through. Today is especially hard for me as it would have been our 32nd anniversary. Friday, the 12th also marked the 8th month date of Bill dying. You gals and my cats are the only thing that is keeping me going. I get out and do things but my heart is not in it and I cry myself to sleep each night and wake up crying. I am told that time will heal, but like all of you, I am wanting a miracle and wake up with my husband back. I know I have to stay strong and just wait for my time till I can be with him again, but I miss him so much. Please keep me in your prayers today and every day as I do you. Thank all of you so much for just being there. God bless all of you. Love, Phyllis

Apr 18, 2013
To The Lord Is My Strength, by Anonymous
by: Liz

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know your name, just "The Lord Is My Strength."

Anyway, thank you for the long post that I ready today, April 18th (Thursday).

I agree: my husband was diagnosed Stage 4--why did they give him all that chemo, etc.? I went along because I didn't want to say, "could have, should have, etc." And my husband wanted to try to fight it--he never got involved in the Medicine look-up thing, he never googled anything; and he left it all up to me: I kept track of his symptoms, his meds, his chemo, etc. I tried everything, many specialists, to no avail, except thousands of dollars in co-payments for the doctors, hospital, chemo (when he reached his limit on his health insurance, then no copays, but before that, they all got their money.
Not one doctor showed up at his funeral. Lousy, rotten. I hate them all. I believe the chemo in the end did him in--it made his liver tumors grow.
I continue to blame myself because I was his caregiver; and I should have seen some signs of this, but didn't. It was a horrible death for him.

Now, I am lost; last night I heard a crash in the house, went to each room, but saw nothing. I don't know what it was. I'm alone, scared, and I feel sick. I can't turn over to my husband and say, "I don't feel well, or did you hear that noise?" I miss him, I never lived alone, and I don't want to go on.

I talk to him, I talk to God, I see no signs, and I feel like giving up. My family left after my mother died--we were together for the closing of my parents' home, then some of them came once to the hospital to see my husband-but because they do not speak to a sister, (Poor excuse), they don't come around, and a lot occurred with phone calls back and forth. MY HUSBAND WAS DYING, TO ME THERE IS NO EXCUSE OF ANYTHING FROM THE PAST TO HAVE LEFT HIM--HE WAS GOOD TO ALL OF THEM. tHEY WILL someday realize how mean and lousy they were.

Every day, I say I will try to get through, then I fall into this deep depression. My friends or family don't know half of what I go through or my thoughts of just wanting to die, but I don't know how. I'm sorry, but I can't put any positive things on this post.

Love, Liz

Apr 17, 2013
I understand all too well
by: Anonymous

I don't think you're crazy or stupid. I do the same thing every day. I miss my husband so much. He would have been such a great daddy to our twins. I wish he was here so I could hug him again. So I could tell him I love him again. So he couls hold his babies. I still am questioning my own faith. Who would take away such a loving and caring man just hours before his children were supposed to be born? It was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. It ended up being his last and the worst day of mine.

Apr 17, 2013
I STILL ASK GOD TO RETURN MY HUSBAND
by: Anonymous

I don't care if anyone thinks i am crazy or stupid: I am still asking God to perform a miracle to return my husband who passed away back to me so tht I can love him, be with him, and make up for any lost time that the stresses of his illness, and life caused. I don't know how to ask God, He sees this, perhaps, as nerve on my part or selfishness. My husband, I want to believe is happy and well in Heaven; however, I miss him so much that I have been asking God to send him back to me. Is that so wrong? I need to be with my husband to tell him eveything I feel, and to want to not be alone any more.
I miss him so much.

If I am crazy, then tell me. You, everyone are probably asking what I am asking God to do, for all of us miss our loved ones. I am not special or more deserving; but I believe my husband is, and he went too soon, not his time.

So, don't think I am a self-centered person who thinks I deserve it and you don't. We all deserve what we ask for because we all hurt so badly.

Anonymous

Apr 17, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Liz thank you for sharing your pain. I know it's not easy for you, and not easy for all of us in this blog, including myself. Well you and I have someting in command, both our husbands died from Cancer, my beloved husband died of Liekemia, and yours seem to have die from pancreatic. Like I said the only people here, who win are the greedy doctors, they only care about the money, health insurance money. They really don't care about the patient. I saw to much, in the hospitals, and patients with cancer, and trust me there were lots of false hopes for this people, especially the arrogance of the doctor's who think they are actually GOD, well they are far from that, just greedy bastards that's all. My husband too love life, he didn't want to go, but he really put on a fight and GOD took him, because it was time. I am in acceptance that GOD took my wonderful, loving, humble. Why? because he didn't want him to suffer no more, and neither did I, but the Lord gave me wonderful memories, sad one too, towards the end, but I will always keep in in my heart, and thoughts. I called him Bubba & he called me peanut. Liz your husband is, and will always be around you, watch out for the simplest signs such as, birds around, flowers, smell of something, and know one ther, it's him. Pick up a book on angels, and speak them they help in all types of problems, occasions etc. Learn to quiet yourself, and listen, especially when you speak to him, ask the lord to help you, and talk to your husband, whenever you want. I get goose bumps, and tears in my eyes when he is around. He still sleeps next to me. You know how I know our dog sleeps on his side, that is a clue that his been with me all night, watching over me. Well as for family, you are basically alone, because yes they don't want to be bothered why? They haven't gone through what you & I have. They are scared, because they really don't know what to say. Our emotions get hurt, because you would think they be there, but know. One day they will be there too, but I don't wish it on my worst enemy, but that is life. We need to roll with the punches now, the best way we know how. My husband was a rehab counselor, and always had time for everyone, but his pain. And where are all this friends, and family. Like you don't exist. You will get used to that too. Well try talking to GOD one on one with him, and ask him what is your purpose here now for you, and he will reveal it, but you have to listen to him, you'll know when. The only way you can fine peace within yourself is to have hope, faith, and love yourself, not easy to do, but sometimes we have to force to do that. My only comfort now is having my dog/cat, which was our babies, and if I didn't have them I really be up chip creek. Well I will just prey for you to have peace, and tranquility. Do some meditations that helps too. God bless you for now.

Apr 15, 2013
Nirmala: from Liz April 15th 10 pm
by: Liz

Nirmala, you see, I am still up, and I have no life so I check these blogs.

I do not know what to say to you. Listen to me, please: all of us fight especially when there is stress. The timing of your fight was not good, but you didn't know you were going to lose your husband after that. You did not plan it, or want it; you must get that through your mind because it will haunt you forever.

He originally went into the hospital l00 miles from here for back surgery--a simple disc-bulge which he had 5 years prior, and it turned out OK.
This time, after this surgery, I took him home, and that's when he started to lose weight, said his stomach felt twisted. Five times the surgeon said it was from the anesthesia, the pain killers after the surgery. I kept asking them to do liver enzyme tests, they did not. I felt we lost about one or two months' time. But even in l or 2 months, obviously this cancer was already too far gone--inside his liver too. But I blame myself and that is not good. My husband knows I would not hurt him, and that he could depend on me. I took him all over for a possible operation, I took him to the best doctors in Maryland. He was sick, and there was nothing I could do except pray, and I failed at that because God didn't want to give me a miracle.

You loved your husband, I loved my husband, and we still do. Things happened to make you and him have that argument, and this is why you are so resentful about your mother. If I were you, I would not discuss this with her. You must calm down, speak to your husband quietly and tell him of your concerns, that you feel guilty about the argument. He knows you didn't mean anything, and neither did he. In arguments we all say things we don't want to and it escalates to worse words.

Forgive yourself because your husband is in a place where he forgives, forgets, and is going to wait for you and you both will be together happy again.

I can go crazy wondering why my husband got sick; I can even blame it on so many things, like he was in Vietnam where they used Agent Orange that causes cancer. He was well, but this cancer was growing a long time. So, he is gone, I lost him; and I say why do you and I lose our husbands and bad wives don't lose their bad husbands? I know someone who is mean, and she gets everything her way. Some day, though she will answer to God, so I don't care. My life now must be to be as good as I can, try to go on instead of letting his hard work go to nothing. I miss him, too much, that I want to just go to sleep and never get up, but he doesn't want that. So, listen to me, speak to your husband about all of this, and know that he does not hold that argument against you.
I hope I helped you.
Liz
'

Apr 15, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

Another Monday is indeed almost over. My mom stays with me because she thinks she is helping me in her mind she has convinced herself she is helping. My brother is not very good, he wants her to stay in one place peacefully. But she is very restless, she does mind taking two buses to go to the temple and he does not want her to do that hence she would much rather not go there. For me it is painful for one other reason, the last argument I had with my husband on Monday night was about her, he had said something nasty and I said something very nasty to my husband about his mother that had died just three months ago then. That is the reason it bothers me I wasted my last hour with him talking nonsense. I was so angry with him I did not even sleep next to him, I was in the room where my mom sleeps now. Everything bothers me. I talked to my sister in Florida and she had gone there end of Feb. But my brother in law could not stand her and so she came back in less than a week, so now I am stuck

Apr 15, 2013
where is he
by: broken hearted

i lost my husband to pancreatic cancer he died 4 weeks after being diagnosed that was in 2011-time does not heal-i am more depressed now than i was the first year-all i can say i feel whats the use of going on without him-we were joined at the hip-i stop myself everyday from having a nervous breakdown-and yes the weekends are the worse-my kids dont understand that-i pray and go to church on sunday but i dont feel anything--i am numb-too much pain and loneliness.

Apr 15, 2013
no life without my spouse
by: Anonymous WITH NO LIFE AT ALL ANY MORE

He was my best and only friend, and he is gone, where? Do you know? I just can't believe he is dead; it's like he was supposed to live to 100 with his energy, smile, positive thinking about life. WHY DID HE DIE, WHY?

aNONYMOUS, WITH NOTHNG LEFT WITHOUT HIM.

Apr 15, 2013
To Nirmala: April 15th, 2013
by: Liz

Dear Nirmala,
Today is my father's birthday, he would have been around 101, but he died at 86. I still miss him so much. I miss my Mom too.

Your mother sounds like my mother-in-law, and for many reasons, my husband and I stopped having anything to do with her for 40 years. She was self-centered, cared about her hair, nails, etc., and she messed up the family (divorce)--she took off with another man, and my poor husband and his sister stayed with their Dad while the other 2 little sisters went (or were taken) with her and her boyfriend. Lousy. I tried to make my husband have a relationship with his mother because that is how I was brought up--my family was close, my parents were devoted. But after a while, she was a trouble-maker, so he said goodbye, and that was it. Thank goodness; she would have ruined our marriage with her mouth, etc. She is still alive; his sisters came to his funeral and told me; but since then his sisters never called me. The h--- with both of them. They were split from my husband anyway, I am surprised they came to his funeral. They didn't even tell his mother he is gone.

My heart hurts today as every day. I am tired of praying and begging God to send my husband back; I know it will never happen, but I still ask. I hate living here without him. I hope he is happy where he is and all better and not worrying about this house that he worked TOO HARD ON. HE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME WITH THIS HOUSE--I HATE THIS HOUSE NOW WITH ALL OF THE THINGS IN IT BECAUSE HE IS NOT HERE. WHAT THE HECK DO I NEED IT FOR?

Your children will keep you going. Me, I don't know--I have no one. I have neices, nephews, another sister and brother, but they have decided not to bother with me or even my husband when he was ill--what nerve because he was like a father to all of them. Damn them, and they can go to he--.

So, another Monday and a long week ahead, with no husband, no life, nothing. At least we planted the garden at the cemetery. It came out lovely.

Can you send your Mom on a trip? I don't know what else you can do. Maybe she stays because she is worried about you?????

Take care. Liz

Apr 15, 2013
To: Kristina
by: Liz

Dear Kristina,

I am sorry for what you went through; it is a sudden tragedy, and I do not blame you at all ever for being angry with God, I got angry during my husband's sudden illness, his treatments, and then when he went downhill, and when he died, I was angry, but had to pretend in church, etc., that I didn't blame anyone. Then I started to blame myself for everything.

You are going through a trauma, we all are, and our love for our husbands is what is keeping us in this state of a sorrow-ridden place of just existing. That's what I do; I go out to buy food, pay bills at the post office, go to the bank if I have to, and that is it. I hate life; and I can't watch other couples. I miss my husband, I am lost without him, really lost in many ways. My only recreation is going to these posts. No one, but we all understand each other.
So, whoever wants to cry, complain, cry more, scream, and even wish they could go too, you can do it all as far I am concerned because I feel the exact same way, and I won't preach otherwise.

I will never "throw away/forget" 46 years of being with my only true friend in the entire world. Why did he have to die? Should I have done something to stop it. The cancer was pancreatic/liver stage 4 with no damn signs, found at stage 4, right after a minor back surgery. Didn't the surgeon see anythng wrong when he did the discectomy on his spine? The spine is close to the pancreas (I later learned all of this stuff.) I hate living without him because I feel that I am in the house he worked for, kept up, and he is not here to enjoy anything more; though all the things I read about heaven say that earth and life here is nothing compared to Heaven's life.

I can only say to you, I understand and I feel your pain becaise it is my pain in my heart too.
Liz

Apr 15, 2013
Liz
by: Nirmala

My mother refused to go to my brothers house yesterday, so I still can't even grieve properly. What a bloody life, unlike you I don't even have the luxury of wanting to going to be with my husband right now. The way my mom takes care of her every need, I will die before my mother. It is a constant feeling of having an outsider in your house. I did not feel this way when my friend was with me, she was very caring and very helpful.

Apr 14, 2013
i feel much the same way
by: Kristina

Liz, I'm sorry that you are in this horrible situation too. My husband died suddenly, of an unexpected heart attack, one week after our wedding (we had been together for nearly 13 years). The pain is unbearable.

You said "God, why did you take him and not me, too when you knew I was too weak to go on without my husband?". I completely agree. I don't know if there is such a being as God, and I no longer trust God, even if there is one, because s/he took my husband from me. this should NOT have happened. But if, for some reason i can't comprehend, it was better for my husband to be in the afterlife (if there is one) rather than here, then at least God should have taken me as well. Because now life is nothing but a misery, and all I want is to die as soon as possible and be with my soulmate.

Apr 14, 2013
To The Lord Is My Strength" Part 2 from Liz
by: Liz

continued to The Lord Is My Strength:

I was telling you about my neighbor's experience with "going to Heaven, and then being told not yet." So, after I heard her story, I said to her that now I am beginning to really believe that my husband is somewhere good, and he is indeed with me spiritually. I wish he'd let me know; maybe he is and I'm not noticing.

I know that my life seems hopeless; I can't make decisions, or don't want to; I hate to go out; I feel alone, and yes, family can be cruel. They say they care, but if you care and you know that your aunt or sister is alone in a big house when she was always with her husband, don't you call at least once a day to reassure her that she has some comfort and let her know she is not alone.
Well, some of them let 3,4, 5 days go by with no call--sometimes I have to leave messages. No more, they are too selfish. My husband helped all of them, and he was the best uncle in the world. But now, they are too busy with living the good, fun life. Well, we never were too busy for anyone, never.

So, I must do as he warned me: "Don't expect much Babe, and you won't be disappointed." He was so right.

My heart hurts so much that I am literally sick, and I feel I have no plan as to how to heal myself, where to start. I exist from day to day, some days are torture. I want him here to share everything like we did for 46 years. I want it the same, but it is gone forever, everything the way it was is never to be again.

So "The Lord Is My Strength" I hope to find some peace, but I think first I will probably die from this sadness. If I do, I hope he is there to take my hands and lead the way. We had a good life, with sadness--my parents were sick and cared for by me, and how I worried for them. I was stressed, and in turn my husband was stressed for me being so upset all the time. But we had each other. Now, I have no one, a few good friends, but they have husbands, kids, and they don't know what losing your love of your life is like. I can't blame them, but I can't expect them to know my grief, my pain, my loneliness, my despair.

I am stubborn, so I'll say it again, "God, why did you take him and not me, too when you knew I was too weak to go on without my husband?) Well, it's late, and the only relief I get is a few hours of sleep. Then I wake up sick to my stomach remembering the instant I awake, he is GONE.

Thanks for caring.
Liz

Apr 14, 2013
To: The Lord is My Strength who writes here...
by: Liz

To: The Lord is My Strength,

Oh, how I wish I could find your deep belief about your husband being around you; I want to believe that mine is too because I will tell you this, I think at times I am insane with so many emotions, thoughts, etc., that I think I will go crazy. I too hated the "experiments" done with the lousy, very strong chemo they subjected my husband to. After taking the chemo, he got even more sick--before his diagnosis he had no symptoms; then after the chemo, the morphine, etc., he got worse. Actually, at the end, I think the last chemo (which was a pill form instead through his port) did him in. I hate the drug companies; and I hate the fact that they can't even diagnose pancreatic cancer until it is too late.

Anyway, none of my complaints or looking back will bring him back. I try to believe I will see him again in Heaven; but selfish me, I want him to come back here so he can resume life here with me; he really hated to leave here and he kept telling only a few people (because he was private person)this: "I am not afraid to die, but what about my wife, who will look after her, I worry so much." Even the night he died, he kept trying to hold on to his last breath. The hospice nurse said she never saw anything like it before, how he just kept trying to purge his body of the cancer and maybe live on. What a horrible night, and if she wasn't there with me, I'd have jumped out a window, or off the railing upstairs to go with him.

If I run out of my 3,000 words, I will continue this in another post for you.

Today, April 14th, I decided to wash my car -- it was a windy day, but I had to do something. When I don't, I just cry, walk around, and cry some more. So, after I finished washing it, I was almost finished drying the car when my neighbors were passing by my house coming back from a walk they took. We started talking, and we talked a lot. Somehow the subject got to believing in the afterlife, and to my shock, my neighbor (the female-wife of this couple, A & P, said, "I know there is definitely an afterlife and a Heaven, I was there." She was 12, at the beach with cousins, went in too far, she didn't know how to swim, and kept going under and drown. She said she felt at peace in the water, after her initial panic that she would surely die. The a bright light with male and female people in front of her glowing, and a voice, said, "No it's not your time, go back." She was pulled out of the water.
She remembered that she was in a special place. She never told the story to her husband for about 20 years. And now, she told me, and we are not very good friends. Well, after she told me ....

Apr 11, 2013
To: Nirmala
by: Liz

Haven't seen a post from you here or on the other web page. Are you all right, or did you go away?
Hope you're OK. I'm sad, depressed as usual.
Sometimes I get "foggy" in my head from all this anxiety and depression. Do you?

Love, Liz

Apr 11, 2013
Strange things
by: Nirmala

My tv on the first floor came on suddenly and I did not imagine it, my son told the tv was on when nobody was on the first floor, that happened again when the two remotes were far away from me, the tv came on. My husband used to tell me that I have the tv on the Indian soaps all the time, now it is like he is telling watch if it makes me feel better. It is not that I am addicted, it is just meaningless programming where you do not have to think to comprehend. I am still scared to watch the news or any other program, last week for my son's sake I watched the basketball game for a while. We were four, now we are three and I hate it. Today it is exactly four months since he is gone, this was the time he was on lying on the carpet. This is just an ugly unkind dirty world.

Apr 11, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

Continuation....

I will pray, and send you all the white light, for strong energy. I also read books of angels, because they are around us. They come to your need, and rescue, when you call them. Just say Angels come to my rescue, and ask Jesus to help you. If you are non believers, it's okay, whatever works for you. Just be yourself's scream, yell, stump you feet. It's okay to go through all the motions. You are human, and we are raw still. You do what comes right to you. GOD Bless you all for right now. Someone who cares. "The Lord is my Strength"

Apr 11, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

This is for Nirmala, and Weird Things. Nirmala yes it is very painful, and hard to accept your loss, but you need to start accepting his gone, but you will always have the memories. We will never feel the same, and the void will always be there. No you are not crazy it is normal that you are feeling this emotions. It is scary, and we do get angry, and fear, because that is what you feel right now. They say they are stages we go through. Weird Things, yes your husband is around you, regarding the Tv etc. My husband also passed away from cancer Leukemia cancer of the blood. It is to sad that they have not come out with a cure for this ugly disease called CANCER. My husband passed away on 3-8-12, it is exactly 1 yr. 1 month ago, and to me feels like yesterday. What keeps me going is my husband is always around me spiritually that is. GOD is my strength, and sometimes yes we get a void in our hearts that is so deep, and we do want to be with our love ones, but it is NOT our calling yet. I am not a religious person, but I do believe there is a GOD of hope. Sometimes it is so painful we feel num, but it's part of growing, and challenges that GOD gives us. I am NOT angry at GOD, but I am angry at the doctors, because they are NOT GOD, and my husband was used like a ginny pig for their experimentation's. Doctors are just there to milk the Health Insurances, and trust me I seen enough, they make me sick, especially at the Hospital. That place is a joke, never seen such false doctors who prey on their patients for the greed of money. Look at my postings here. I go by "The Lord is my Strength" strive to force yourselves to do something. I go to the Beach, where my husband and I went regularly at times, and talk to him often, actually everyday, you be surprise, how they are around you, all the time, just NOT in body anymore. They really don't want us to be sad, hurt, and in pain, but it is inevitable, because we are human in the flesh. I had a terrible day on the 4-8-13, and was very sad and blue, and my dog hurt a loud noise, because the winds were high, and I went to check the back yard, but my little angel chimes broke, which was a sign of my husband telling me his here, don't cry, and don't be sad. Now I have to patch up the angel's head, and wing. The wing broke in 1 big piece, and small 8 pieces. This is a sign of him. So yes weird things, they do come in different ways to us. Go to the bookstore and read on loss & grief books, that helps me a bit. I go to the restaurants by myself, and carry my husband's picture all the time, and I speak to him like he was just there, but in spirit. All I can say for all of you in pain, is take one day, at a time. We will never, never be the same. Stay away from negative people who don't understand our pain & that means family member's too, which don't get it. I really feel the pain you are all going through.

Apr 10, 2013
To Babymend: Please answer...
by: Anonymous

Babymend,

How do I go on? You say to trust in God, yet you're, like I am, angry with him for your husband's death. I can't go on: there is a big house that he loved; he has closets full of clothes--never to show off-he needed suits, etc. for work--there are zillions of tools, equipment, nails, paint, you name it--he liked to do a lot around this house, especially gardening, maintaining. There are my clothes, too. There is china, glasses, furniture, a whole housefull of pretty things. What for? What am I to enjoy from all of this without him? He liked it all, he enjoyed it, but we never had kids, so we never entertained a lot; so what do I do, wander around this empty house without him. There is no one to share it with. I have a nice car -- we had 2 and one time 3 because he worked so hard. Now I have one car, too big for me, too much car payment on its lease, and a house that is too big, almost paid up, but a big tax bill every year. I can't take care of it, I have to hire people who have to do what he mostly did.

I don't know how to end my misery--I don't know how to do it? Maybe they will work, and maybe I will end up an invalid, in a hospital or home the rest of my life and that's where the remainder of the money and my house will go to keep me alive in a lonesome home -- I hate to sound so morbid, but his death has left me alone, sad, hurt, and not able to accept his death and not wanting to live without him.

What do I do?
Anyonymous forever and ever in misery

Apr 10, 2013
Nirmala
by: Liz

I hope you are not as bad as I am all week, missing my husband and I've been begging God to send him back to me. Why can't there be miracles now in our time?

Jenny must be away, I have not seen any posts from her on this site or the other one. Maybe she decided to go see her son and grandkids. I hope so.

I just am not accepting that my husband is not alive. I expect him to come back home. I am really not able to deal with this death; my heart hurts physically. Sometimes I pray to die.
I am not sure what heaven is like, or if he and I will really be together; so I ask God to send him here to where he loved--he must miss me and his house very much. Or maybe once you are dead and go to God, you don't remember.

What do you think, Nirmala? How do you feel?
How do I get to really believe he is all right now and still loves and misses me?

Liz

Apr 09, 2013
Weird things, is it my husband? PLEASE ANSWER MY MESSAGE...THANK YOU.
by: Anonymous

I have been so miserable and scared and sad and depressed, cry all the time. Look for my husband to come home, but he can't. I hate death, and it came suddenly.

Has anyone heard about our loved ones trying to contact us by doing things like flickering lights?

The weirdest thing happened a little while ago.

I have a tv in my kitchen, with the cable box and the cable company's remote. All of a sudden, all the channels started displaying the closed captions -- I think they are good for the people who can't hear, however, I find the closed captions (sub-titling) annoying running across the picture on the tv.

The old remote was put away a long time ago, and there is no way it could have turned on the closed captions. Finally, I figured how to get rid of them, BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.?

Since my dear husband passed away (which I'm suffering so much from I feel crazy at times), I have had no dreams of him, no signs which some people say, "you will get signs."

COULD THIS TV THING HAVE BEEN HIM TELLING ME HE IS AROUND? i'VE BEEN CRYING SO MUCH LATELY, AND ASKING HIM TO COME BACK, ASKING GOD TO SEND HIM BACK.

I even started to think about dying to be with him, but I want him home here with me. We never finished our lives together as we had planned.
He didn't want to leave me, he tried hard not to.
The cancer won.

Could he be trying to let me know he is around me and all right, so that I won't do anything to hurt myself, and so that I will stop being and feeling so much pain, crying, screaming for him, and feeling desolate and scared, angry, etc. Could he be trying to calm me down.??

Someone here please answer if you can.

Anonymous

Apr 09, 2013
Kristina (I will never accept it either...)
by: Liz

Kristina,

I usually write on the recover-from-grief.com blog with the title My Sweet & Kind Husband Died 3 weeks Ago, and I write on this one too. It is the only comfort I get because all of us understand each other's immense pain, sorrow, etc.

I, too, WILL NEVER, EVER be able to "accept" that my dear husband is no longer alive. I hate to write those words, and I wish none of us were on this blog having to write about that "d" word. I also dislike my new title, "widow," I hope no one calls me that because I just can't accept the fact that I am one.

Out of nowhere, my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and too late--it had already spread to his liver. They gave him 2 weeks to live; he lived 10 months, but suffered through chemo, labs, hospital visits, reactions and side effects of the chemo, morphine, etc. He never got to retire, his dreams for our future were gone. He held on for me, but in the end, it was terrible, and he was so weak, and almost unrecognizable, except his beautiful eyes and smile were the same.

Kristina, your pain is totally felt by me, and I am sorry for you and for all the ladies here.
Life doesn't have a fairytale ending; we had 46 years together--met as teens; but it's gone just like that. Now I exist, and as I said, I will never comprehend fully this way of life, and why he died.

Stay as well as you can; I try, but I am stressed, sick, and depressed all the time.
Take Care, Liz

Apr 08, 2013
I MISS HIM TOO MUCH TO STAND
by: ANONYMOUS FOREVER

WE ARE ALL MISSING THEM; I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT IN WORDS, THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS IN MY MIND, BUT I CAN'T EXPLAIN THEM. DO YOU FEEL LIKE THAT?
LIKE, WHERE IS HE? why isn't he watching tv after work and relaxing. he can't eat my meals, he can have his occasional beer, he can't drive up to his favorite stores like the home depot or lowes or true value, and just bring home things for the house and garden, etc., or just hang out there looking at what new gadget is there.
where is he at breakfast, where are his calls during the day from work, where is he at night calling me that he's on his way home so i can warm up his food. where are his socks he left on the floor, i didn't mind because other than that he was the neatest person--his closet was so neat, his drawers in his armoire so neat and organized. where is everything. gone forever.
i live alone; and i can't even think about memories or look at pics, they hurt too much.
this thing called death is just too horrible for me. i'm a grown up, but i cry like a baby and i feel like one because i don't have him any more.
it's like i'm an orphan, without my best friend who i could tell every little thing to. i hate life.

anonymous forever, and just 1 and only 1, used to be 2, now just 1

Apr 08, 2013
to: Nirmala and to: Phyllis, reply 4/8/13
by: Liz (Lisa)

To: Nirmala & Phylis,

First, Nirmala, I write to you on the other site that is "My sweet husband died 3 weeks ago." I found that there is this web page too, so on Sunday I started writing here. People call me Liz, Lisa or Lee, by husband called me BABE ALL THE TIME. I know what you mean about the grocery store; when my husband was told he had pancreatic cancer/liver cancer, and he had to quit work, it was so different for us; I went to the store and took hours to choose what to buy; no more splurging on expensive items, etc. Also, they play dumb music in there and I used to cry, and I still do. About friends, some of mine don't call any more either; it used to bother me, but who cares, they can't help me or bring back my husband. The heck with them all. Weekends are the worst. I will write on the other web page too. Regards, Liz (Lisa)


To Phylis:

I too don't know about my faith--it gets weaker with each passing day. Some days, I say I have to pray and remember he is with me; then I see no sign of it, I speak to him, I have no dreams even though I ask him to come to me in a dream. Friends are not dependable. I cry, and the crying and heartache has made me have stomach troubles, etc. I'm just not anything good any more without my husband. I never will be again, and I don't care what everyone says that it gets better--what does that mean????? I feel your pain and sadness because it is the exact same emotions I have always. Blessings, Liz

Apr 07, 2013
Liz and Jenny
by: Nirmala

Another weekend is gone, these are the worst for me. As long as I am busy taking care of the kids dropping them and picking them up I seem to be doing better, weekends we do not do much. I hate going food shopping due to the crowds and also I do not want to spend the money that I don't have. Four months ago I was buying whatever my family needed, now I don't have my husband's paycheck, mostly nobody gives a damn as to how we are even buying grocery. My husband's sister has not called me in a long time and the friends were only one sided, I hate them all. One particular person calls me only when she has problems otherwise she forgets my existence. How I wish my husband was still here, my life was just right.

Apr 07, 2013
To: Rita,Lisa,Kristina & Babymend
by: Appsphyl

I feel your pain and know what you are going through. My husband passed away very suddenly on 8/12/12. He had not been sick or in any pain. The autopsy showed he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine, which made the heart work harder and just give out. He was only 58. I only live because I have cats and they keep me going. They were our babies as our children are grown and have lives of their own. They worry about me and call, but they don't understand. I, too, just wish I could die and be with Bill, but, I guess that is not in the cards. I do believe in God, but have great difficulty having faith right now. I still question why, when Bill was such a good, christian man and all these bad people are still alive. I pray one day I will be with him again and that is what keeps me going. It is good to be with others who understand. Please take care. Love, Phyllis

Apr 07, 2013
to babymend
by: Kristina

hi babymend.

I am not sure if your post was directed at me, but if it was --

I am sorry your husband died too. For me, I have no desire to find a "new normal". I will exist, because I promised my family I would, until I am "allowed" to die. That's all. I absolutely do not share your belief that there is a hell -- believing in such a place doesn't make it so, either.

Yes, my husband would want me to be happy. But since he is no longer alive, that is not possible. As for God -- I have no idea if there is a God or not, but if so I do NOT trust her/him, as s/he has betrayed me by killing my husband. In any case, whatever beliefs I may have had in the past are not of the Christian faith, so I would not be following that path regardless. I respect that you do, but that is not the way for me and I do not share your beliefs regarding Jesus, etc.

Apr 07, 2013
To Every single woman on this blog, especially Nirmala, Rita
by: Lisa (Liz)

Ladies, I write on the other blog, "My sweet and kind husband die 3 weeks ago." I wrote on this blog, "Loss of my husband and soul-mate" but I forgot about it til today again.

Rita and I lost our husbands on the same date:
Sunday, July 29, 2012. I hate all the memories of that night--my husband died at 8:40 pm, with me by his side in bed and the hospice nurse tending to him. I had to let him go by telling him to go to God, I'd be OK. SURE.

i am not OK, and I never will be. I have read all or most of you say you want to die, wish you could die, etc. Don't be afraid to say that or ashamed because I SAY IT EVERY DAY AND NIGHT.
I ALSO ASK GOD TO SEND MY HUSBAND BACK. No one understands us; they just can't. Many may think we are crazy; no we are not crazy, just plan crazy lonely, miserable without our dear husbands. Our lives have changed, not only with permanent broken hearts; but we just exist, and our monetary situations have changed; and we roam our houses or apartments alone, with pain, sickness, tiredness, longing, and no one to cry to but the 4 walls in whichever room we are in.
Mostly I stay in the computer room looking at his picture on my homepage, I eat standing up (when I eat) in front of the kitchen tv. Then I go to bed pretty early with the help of a pill, klonopin--but i only stay asleep maybe 2 or 3 hours. Then it's back to a new day of the worst pain and sadness. I hve no children, hardly any family, and they don't understand me anyway.

Some days, I admit to only you ladies who understand this: I think of how I can leave this world. But I don't want to goof it up and end up in a nursing home an invalid. Also, I don't want to sin against God--he promised eternal life after death, but the Bible doesn't clarify if we go straight to Heaven, or if we go later on.
I keep asking my husband to send me a sign where he is, is he OK? But nothing. I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS DEAD--I HATE THAT WORD--I AM STILL IN SHOCK, AFTER 8 MONTHS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I WANT TO DO NOTHING. I AM LUCKY I MAKE IT THROUGH THE GROCERY STORE WITHOUT FAINTING. I CRY GOING THERE, IN THERE, AND DRIVING HOME.
THERE ARE DAYS I DON'T PUT ON ANY MAKEUP OR DO MY HAIR. I JUST HIDE IN OUR HOUSE THAT HE LOVED SO MUCH.

I need some kind of answer; I need to make a decision, I need to get things in order, but then everyone (who cares at all) will hate me and call me a coward. Why? I just want to be with him.
I loved our life, but it is gone, and I can't face that fact.

I am sorry for all of you because you feel just like I do.

With love, Liz (Lisa), and he called me "Babe" for 46 years, since the day we met.

Apr 04, 2013
My Baby went to heaven... I want to go too.
by: babymend

Hi. I understand exactly how you feel. My Baby (my husband) was the love of my life. I will neever be the same without him. I am struggling to find the new"normal"in my life. It is not easy. Nothing is easy in this life. I too wanted to end my life many times, but I don't want to die and go to Hell. That place is real, just like Heaven is real. Wether we believe it or not, those places do exist. We don't just cease to exist. Think of your husband, How would he want you to do good for your self, to be happy, to make him proud. I hope you don't give up on God anymore. Ask Him to speak to you and then stay still and listen.. Some times we have to hit bottom before we finally give up and reach out to Him. I am a believer of Jesus Christ, I believe He came to pay for all of our sins, and redeem us back to the Father and out of the clutches of the enemy... What a beautiful gift, How sad if we reject it. I am angry with God too. I am confused and feel punished by him for the horrible death my husband suffered and the trauma that caused to both of us while he was dying. But God did not promise us answers, He just wants us to trust Him. He is a sheperd, we are his little sheep. Please pray to Him (talk to Him), give Him a chance to come and comfort your heart. He understands our human condition, our doubts, our hurts, our anger, our tears. He is loving father waiting for his little crying children to come to Him for comfort. Please, I am begging you, do this and you won't regret it. The journey is not over till God says is over. I love my Baby very much, always will cry for him. But I have no choice but to keep on going one step at a time, one struggle at a time. One break down at a time.

Apr 03, 2013
another response
by: Kristina

I have gone through and am going through and always will be going through all of the "stages", other than "acceptance", which I will NEVER feel. I am sad all the time, every second, and angry almost all of the time too. The supposed stages are not as neat and orderly as they are sometimes described or viewed.

Yes, my husband died recently. Six months ago, literally one week after our wedding. We had been together for almost 13 years. I know you mean well, but I will never "learn to live with" this. Time will never make me feel better, and I am not willing to live this screwed up life. I won't kill myself only because I promised my family I wouldn't, otherwise, I'd have done so the day my husband died. As far as I'm concerned, there is no reason for my continued existence.

No, I don't have children. My husband and I couldn't afford to, as our financial situation was bad (of course, now mine is much worse). Another loss -- I will never have children now, though I have always wanted to and would have been an excellent mother. And I don't have that part of him living on.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. My husband is a wonderful man too, always helping people. He SHOULD NOT have died, and I will always be angry about that and blame God for it, if there is a God. ALL I want now is to die and be with my husband.



Apr 03, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Kristina - Thank you for responding back. Once again I am really sorry for your loss, and I know it can't be easy. Right now you are going through what is called the anger stages, they say is commend for when someone like you and I have loss a love one. Such as our husbands. Your husband died at a very young age. Did he just recently pass away, because 40 is very young, and I only can really feel your pain, a pain so deep that eats away at you, but I will respect your wishes, and hope you will one day find peace within yourself. I know that is going to take time, and I mean time. We will never be the same, but they say we learn to live with it, well I can only speak for myself right now. I live day by day, and only hope, pray that I know I will someday be with my loving husband, but right now is not my calling our calling. Do you have any children, if so your lucky, because at least you can view your husband in your children. I don' have any children. I wish I could at least have had one with my husband, but his career was taking care, and couseling people in pain, which he did with so much grace. For 40 yrs. in worked in the dark side, meaning was a rehab couselor, perticularly for troubled kids, adults, teenagers, gangs in perticular, was his specialty. I'm sorry I going on about my husband, but I was, and is so pround of the husband I had. Everytime I see or bump into any of his messes, only shows he planted so many good seeds in this people. I will pray that you overcome this great pain/void inside of you. I still have that big void in my heart too. For now I will just send you good energy your way. Take care, and be good to yourself.

Apr 01, 2013
response to "The Lord is my Strength"
by: Kristina

Thank you; I am sorry for your pain too. Yes, I am agnostic, which means (at least for me) that I am not sure if there is a God or not. I have been agnostic for many years, but before my husband died I hoped there was a kind, loving, sentient God. Now I barely care about that -- all I really care about is if my husband still exists in an afterlife, if he is HIMSELF, if he is ok, and that we will be together again. If there is a God, I do not trust her/him.

I'm glad if your faith brings you comfort, but I have no faith to bring me comfort. I no longer care what my purpose here may be, I just want to die and be with my husband. This life is irrelevant to me now, it really is.

I won't be seeing a therapist for my depression -- I am depressed because my husband was taken from me, so there is an excellent reason for my depression. It won't go away until I can be with my love again. God, if there is one, might as well let me die as I wish to and be with my husband, because the rest of my life is a waste. I won't do anything with it. I no longer want it. I want God, if there is one, to reverse this horrific situation, but if s/he won't or can't then all I want is to die and be happy with my husband. There's no reason for me to try to do things or think positively, I don't give a damn about my life anymore.

My family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law) are amazing; they love me dearly, and I them. I am lucky to have them. Still, their love is not enough to make me want to stay here; I want to be with my husband.

I do appreciate your kindness, believe me, and I thank you for it. But really there's nothing that you or anyone else on earth can do for me.

Mar 31, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello Kristina - I am really sorry for your pain, trust me I too have been there, but no judgement here, but you are going at this all wrong. I know you state you are agnostic, which I guess you are not a believer in GOD, that's okay. I am not religious, but I am very spiritual, and the reason I am somewhat strong, but still grieving, is because I know GOD gives me the strength to continue my journey, whatever that is. I still ask the Lord what is my purpose here, and my calling. You are depress, and you feel like dying, well first and fore most. Have you seen a counselor for your depression. I really think you should, because I know what it feels to be depress too, and it can be that is really good. I don't know if you can understand what I am about to tell you, but when you wish & feel like dying. God will not let you die, it is when he will call you, but the more you ask of this, you will sink deeper into depression, feelings of anguish, and dispair. I really advise to seek counseling, because you need direction in this so call depression. You know this month on 3-8-13 was a yr. when my beloved husband passed on, and trust me when I tell you, it still feels like yesterday. I sometimes feel lost, confuse, and don't know what direction to take in my life, especially when I don't have good family members, that are of any good support. I depend on God the almighty, support from my cousin, more like a brother to me, and my 93 yr. old grandmother, which that GOD her brain is still good. Anyway I really wish your pain would be lessen, but you hav to try to go forward, even if you feel like there is nothing to leave for. I will pray for you, and hope you can fine a way to lessen the pain. Go to loss & grief session in your area, go for walks, force yourself to think of positive things. Easier said than done, but force yourself. Trust me right now I haven't even begun to morn or grief my husband, still fighting with this evil people from the mortgage etc, and other things I was left to dive in, but I manage to fight, because somewhat I am a fighter, and my husband keeps telling me he is here spiritually with me, and fights for me from the throne of GOD. I hope you can fine some peace, at least a little bit. My husband died of Lieukima horrible decease of the blood cancer, and it is still in my mine of everything I went with him in my mine, but I force myself to keep going. My dog, and cat are my life line right now, and they keep me going. For now I will send some white energy your way, may u fine some sort of comfort. God bless.

Mar 30, 2013
CORRECTION
by: Kristina

In my previous post, I actually typed and meant "...if there is a God I hate her/him...".

Autocorrect error.

Mar 29, 2013
I understand
by: Kristina

My husband died, at age 40, of a massive heart attack. One week after our wedding. We didn't know he had any heart problems. I am extremely depressed, I don't want my life at all. I would kill myself except that I promised my family I wouldn't and I don't want to hurt them. But I have absolutely no interest in life, and even though I'm agnostic (I don't know if there's a God or not) and if there is a God I need her/him, I pray every day that I will die that day so that I can be with my love. I don't understand why this happens to any of us; it should NOT be this way. This is a crappy way for life to be set up, and I see no point to it.

Mar 29, 2013
To Marlene
by: Appsphyl

I know how you feel, my husband passed away very suddenly at home on 8/12/12. The Holidays seem to be the worst. He will be dead 8 months on 4/12/13 and our 32nd anniversary would been 4/18/13. I make myself go on and do things but I still cry all the time. Anything can make me cry, remembering sad times, happy times, anything makes me think of Bill and how much I miss him. I still am angry and can not understand why God took him at such a young age of 58, but I do know he is waiting for me. If you feel the need to talk at anytime, please feel free to email me. It is good to talk to others that are going through the same thing, we understand. Take care and God Bless You.
Love, Phyllis

Mar 28, 2013
Lost my soul mate on October 28th 2012
by: Marlene

My husband was a man that everyone loved he was in law enforcement for 27 years. He retired from being a Deputy Sheriff January 2010 and I retired August 4, 2011 at which time we moved to Colorado from Oregon. We moved here to be close to one of our son's.
On October 27th Don and I went to have a nice dinner then to the movies to see Argo then on our way home we stopped at the store to pick up some cheese and apples so Don could watch the Bronco's play the next day, October 28th. Don sat up that morning to put on his slippers and all of a sudden I heard this sound and Don fell to his left hitting his head on the nightstand I jumped out of bed and said OMG Buddy are you okay, I thought he slipped off the bed but I could tell seeing him it was not good news I called 911 they were here in record time and started CPR and brought him back he was breathing on his own and his heart was back. They were taking him to the hospital thinking he was okay I said I will be right there Buddy you fight I love you. By the time I got to the hospital (20 minutes) I was met by a head nurse and a security guard to take my in a room I knew it was not good so I said to the nurse NO you tell me he is okay she said she wish she could with a tear in her eye, I pulled away and said WHY are you lying to me he would not leave me I know he wouldn't the nurse said the doctor would be in to talk about Don's condition I called my son and told him they were lyting to me about his dad and then the doctor came in and said usual protocal is 3 shots to get the heart started but they could tell he was fighting so they gave him 7 by his heart just was not strong enough.
This is has been the worse 5 months of my life. I keep asking God to send him back that is not a lot to ask please. I find it so hard to get though some of the days mostly tired and even go though my days not getting dressed. I just feel so lost without him. I know he wants me to go on and be happy we talked about that he said I would be fine if something happened to him I have the kids but I am sure he did not know how painful it would be without him. But I do know he did fight to stay. I know I do not cry as much but I seem to be more tired and less interested in going anyplace. I am taking some Cymbalta for depression. i am on the computer a lot but do not find much interest in going out.

Mar 14, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Anna how are you holding up? I think you will do fine, it seems you are good with GOD, so that in itself will give you the strength to go forward. You can read my story here. I go by "The Lord is my Strenght" my husband died 1 yr. ago this month, but to me feels like yesterday, but I keep going, because that is what my husband would want. He is my Angel too, always by my side "Spiritually" that is. At least you have something you and he share, and made together, and that is your daughter, which is a blessing.
God bless you for now.

Mar 13, 2013
My Husband Is my Angel , God is THERE! PROOF is a must for some humans and GOD allowed me to have it... <3
by: Anna Mason Cluck

Mason's Story! My Testimony!
Please have an open heart when I tell you!
Friday January 4th 2013, I was letting my dogs out to potty.. Our christian station here is 93.7 and as I was opening my back door he said "The end is near and its up to you to make it right" , I strongly believe in God coming back and I thought that's what all this was about for us all .. I opened my door and it was like opening up to a rainbow of bright bright colors . I felt this electric shock running through my body and I felt this sweet small voice in my heart telling me to hit my knees, I DID SO I HAd NO CHOICE! I then heard (felt) him telling me Mason, my dad, my brother n law Andy, and it kept going but Mason was first and I at the time didn't understand I just prayed I thought he was needing me to change and help lead them to christ for when he came back... I then told Mason about it and we began to talk about church and he was willing to go , he loved going to my uncles church so we went two Sundays before it happened the second Sunday we were sitting in the church and my cousin asked me to go help her with the childrens church and I ask Mason if he'd be ok in the service by himself and he told me he would be fine and I asked him again he said Ill be ok I told him I loved him and went to class , I worried the whole time about him and was wondering what he was doing... After the service they had a potluck dinner and when we got in there he looked at me and said it felt like your uncle was talking at me... He said it was about if you think your a christian or KNOW you are ... he told me he KNEW HE THOUGHT HE WAS but now he knew he wasn't and he wanted to except Christ... we got home and we layed down for bed and he looks at me and said it was still on his mind, I told him that was good and I kissed him . He woke up the next morning went to work , when he got home he pulled out this bracelet a man had gave him at work that Monday it was a little leather bracelet with colors on it in red, black, yellow (gold), white, and green... he told me he felt like it was meant for him and he asked me to tie it on his wrist .. he then read what the colors meant to me .. red - blood of Christ, yellow (in place of Gold)- heaven, black-sin, white- all may be saved now (his favorite one), green- growth.. after he rememberized them , that night he asked me how to be a christian or how to start I said baby start small by the way you think , if you (continue to next comment below)

Mar 13, 2013
My Husband Is my Angel , God is THERE! PROOF is a must for some humans and GOD allowed me to have it... <3
by: Anna Mason Cluck

think you are better than them , change it to something better smile , he said, "I dont judge them because I think I'm better than them, I judge them because I think their better than me." I told him, " No one is better than the other and exspecly you.." He told me he'd try that ... he wanted to talk to my uncle derrell about the (cont.)message that touched his heart and the following next two weeks thinks kept coming up and happening .. He lost his job Feb. 8th 2013 he was driving down the road and I by his side , he was devisated begging them to tell him why ..though he kept his faith things will get better he said... the following next days past on we bought our home the day of the termination .. things were changing for us while things were getting pretty bad as well we started needing money and food ... He kept smiling and valentines day 2-14-2013 we went to my moms boyfriends for dinner (shrimp) he was excited and he was so hiped up that night , I asked him to tell them the meaning of his bracelet he was smiling the entire time going through the colors , he finished with green as i remember exactly... Just before we were to eat Rick (moms bf) said lets bless the food, Mason had told everyone to gather hands... Never in my life has he said this! the next two days we were moving... that Saturday night before the wreck he took my uncles trailer back to him and his truck with the carseat in it ran out of gas at my uncle derrells , that night he spoke to my Uncle about how the cermon touched him and how it truely meant something to him! My uncle brought him home and I then asked him if we could get his lizards tank inside so it wouldn't freeze and so we could put the car seat in the car so we could go home and cook at the other house he told me no you are pregnant and its too heavy! Well I took my lil sister home wearing his jacket in the same seat he was in and using his keys! I got home and remember him and my baby girl laying in bed he was telling me she scared him by sitting up acting like she was blind , I laughed and we agreed she was just sleeping , we went to sleep!!!!!!Sunday Febuary 17, 2013 he woke up at 6:53 am went to the rest room , then came by my side and told me it was cold, he said he was about to go get the change from his trruck to go cash it at walmart and get us gas in the car , and go get biscuts from the house and bring them back he then but his jacket on grabbed the keys and I asked him if he took his seizure meds he said he did and I yelled come take the phone just in case you need it .. he said oh yah I forgot.. then we said I love you , I told him to be careful (like everymorning) he said I will baby I love you! Then he headed out , I heard him shutting the back door multible times it had a problem latching ... I had no Idea it would be the last moment I would have with him at all!!!!!
At 8:36 am I heard knocking and I walked to the
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Mar 13, 2013
My Husband Is my Angel , God is THERE! PROOF is a must for some humans and GOD allowed me to have it... <3
by: Anna Mason Cluck

door in a hurry smiling I thought Mason was locked out ... I opened it to two policemen standinging there with a look on their face that scared me ...They asked me who I was, I said I was Anna Cluck then they asked if they could come in.... I directed them in ... they asked me if I was married......My heart dropped and I said yes , why am I being asked this? He said ma'am you HAVE TO TELL US WHO YOU ARE MARRIED TO! I hesitated and said Mason Cluck! They then told me he was in a very bad wreck that took his life!!!!MY LIFE ENDED THAT DAY!!!!!!
It makes sinse that God needed him and it wasn't our end but HIS END HERE!!! AND HIS BEGINNING WITH GOD!
http://thecluckfamily.blogspot.com/2013/01/hearing-god.html

Mar 11, 2013
We need to keep wach other strong!!
by: babymend

I am too missing my husband more each day. He went to the hospital on 07/05/12 and could never come back home. He got the west nile virus. It paralized his lungs, his body. It was horrible. He was just 64 yrs old, my Sweetheart went to Heave and I was there till the last second. I got on my knees on the middle of the ICU room after it was all over and looked up to the skies crying, wondering Why would God allow this to happen? Why did he allow so much pain in my husband's body? Why did he have to suffer so much?
My life is not the same and "Grief Share" meetings are over for this year. I have his ashes in the carboard box still, in our bed, where he is safe from the weather changes, the rain, the cold (or so my brain thinks). We are believers of Jesus Christ as the son of God. I get calm and strong and believe he is in Heaven with Jesus, then I get angry or sad, or horrified wondering if he is really ok and happy? Does he see me crying? Do I cause him pain by crying? It is a pain I wish on no one. Tried to describe it to a friend of mine saying:" It feels like you are dead, but you can't die, you have to keep on living and taking care of this body we are in, wether we want to or not".. I see my self as "the living dead" still, cause that is what it feels like some times. Waiting to go to Heaven to be with my Baby. God help us all.

Mar 11, 2013
To Rita
by: Appsphyl

Rita, I too feel your pain, my husband was only 58 when he died in August 2012. It will be 7 months tomorrow and I still wake up crying and go to bed crying and anything during the day makes me think of him and I cry. I still try to go on with life but it is hard. Only those of us that have gone through this can understand. I keep doing the things we loved to do together, like football and basketball games,but it is not the same. I remember all the good times and wonder why God took him from me at such a young age. He had never been sick and did not have any symptons. The autopsy showed a hernia wrapped around his small intestine (that we did not know he had),which caused a cardiac arrest and his heart just wore out and stopped. Please contact me anytime if you just want to let some feelings go or just to chat. I feel blessed by meeting others that are going though the same thing. The only thing I look forward to is being with him one day. Take care. Love, Phyllis

Mar 10, 2013
To Rita, we share a terrible date 7/29/12
by: Lisa

Dear Rita,

I just read your post back to me. On July 29, 2012, we didn't know it, but both you and I were crying (and I was screaming) because our husbands died that night. You know, through the pain, the horror of it all, I was thinking: is there another woman or man who is crying now who just lost their spouse like I just did?

It is over 7 months for both of us, Rita, and I still cry; just returned from the supermarket, and cried on way there and way home. My mind and heart are forever on my husband, as yours must be too.

I am confused about afterlife, heaven; sometimes my faith is strong, then I get angry, and I don't know what to believe.

I'd rather they could come back to Earth and be with us because how long can we wait to see them (if we do), and wouldn't you rather have your husband and life here the way it used to be? I would. I keep begging God to send him back; that I will hide him so that the media or anyone doesn't make a circus. That sounds stupid and naive of me, but that is how much I miss him and keep thinking he could come home. I know he is buried, dead, and that kills me to the core of my heart. I hate any words to do with dying, and I used to say, "passed away." Now, I say died, because I have to face it. I hate that word and always will. I hate life right now and will for a long time, forever, and I wish I knew if he is here beside me, worrying about me. He was worried about dying to leave me. Well, I'm not helping him much; I do things to keep our house going, etc., but I cry, scream, and have no life. I don't think he likes that. He'll let me know if and when I join him. I hope it is soon.
I do not want to live to be old; we had plans to grow old together; all our plans are gone forever.
Love to you, Rita,
Lisa

Mar 10, 2013
The Only Person You Can Rely On Is God
by: Anonymous

I don't usually write comments because i'm very shy. I won't try to convey the depth of sorrow I feel for everyone here. It is not easy to share your innermost thoughts. My husband of 21 years passed 2 years ago. I was so in love with him, almost obsessed. I mean really I should have fallen out of love at some point, gotten tired of holding him, touching him, stopped thinking constantly about him...Truthfully, and almost embarrassingly, I never did. When he passed, I went through so much by myself because the only person I ever relied on was him. A lot of my feelings were kept from everyone. I was never an active participant in the Church, but I decided to put all of my faith into God, and would have to try to remind myself to do this. As much as I could, I went to mass everyday for a year. I didn't know what I wanted from God. I figured he would give me what I needed. I knocked at His door and still do so, for He has and will continue to answer. In my journey to continue to live and love the life God has created, I found that person I can rely on: it is God. Pray, share your thoughts with God, unburden yourself to Him. ask for help to carry you through the night/day/hour. I have to share with you that many, many times i have talked to God, crying, about things i am going through and the next day during mass, the priest talks about the very same thing, giving me answers. I thank God for lifting me from what I considered a bleak and hopeless future. May God continue to bless our lives. Give thanks that we loved and were loved.

Mar 10, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

You bet cha I will keep in touch with you. When ever you feel the urge to just talk to me go on-line here and ask me, anything you want. I know people say ooh you will be okay, this & that, but unless they walk in our shoes, than they know. If they haven't well I hope they never will, because it is very painful, and it's a process. Like I said "Appsphy" we have to strive to be strong. Everyday I wake up, and I try to act or be happy, but I know that will be very long, before that happens. Even though my love, heart will always be with my husband. I hope that you are doing everything possible to keep your spirits up. I know it isn't easy. If you can't stand being at home, just take off, and breath, go to the book store, read books on loss & grief to get you out of yourself for a little while. I force myself to do that when the 4 walls hit me, and can't breath. I go to the beach, where we used to walk, talk, laugh, even there he follows me. I will keep you in my prayers. Try to eat healthy. So you can have your strength. Through out all this I lost 20 lbs, and gain it all back, because I benge at nights & that is a No No. My stress level is high sometimes, but is because of the things I had to dive in, since his gone, and they are still there, and I ask the Lord to help me with all this, because sometimes the load is to heavy, but I rise up, and beat the devil who wants to creep in his tail, and say Satan get behind me in the name of Jesus, because Satan preys on the vulnerable, and wants to get the best of you. Hope you keep in touch. I will be there for you. Even if it is something you want to express, let it out, it helps, scream, yell, stamp the ground, so those toxins can move within the body. GOD bless you "Appsphy"

Mar 09, 2013
Reply to The Lord is my Strength
by: Appsphyl

I feel your pain and know how you feel. It is comforting to be able to relate to others. It has only been 7 months since my husband died very suddenly and I like you miss him holding me and telling me how everything is ok. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and I know you, like me, are waiting till we can be with them again. I still can't believe he is gone and look forward to being with him again. Please keep in touch with me and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Mar 09, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

Hello to everyone. Today marks 1 yr. exactly my beautiful, wonderful, humble husband has passed away. I want to share with everyone, that even though it has been 1 yr. to me it feels just like yesterday. I spend my day looking at pictures of our wedding pictures, and good memories of us, and the life's, which he touched, which are countless to say. I cried today, and I just finish viewing the CD that his pips taped for me of the funeral, the honors, the speeches, and most of all what a beautiful person he was. My husband was a Rehab. couselor of 40 yrs., and his work shows in every seed that he planted throughout the years. I know his looking down on me right now, and is always around me, spiritually that is. I still have that big void in my heart, but I always hear him say I need to go on peanut that is what he called me. The hardest part to all of this. Is not being able to hold him physically, and hug him and kiss him. Like I used to do, but his presence is felt by goose bumps in my entire body, and that's valadation of his presence. I know the Lord has his hands full in heaven. Just wish I was right next to him in heaven too, but it isn't my time yet, but when I do. I know he will be saving my spot for me. For now I pray, try to keep the faith, hope, and nourish the love we had, when he was here physically. I always ask my husband to pray, pray, pray for me from the thrown of GOD, because I know he can, his right there by the Father, Son, and Holy spirit, and part of his angels. For now lady's, women, I pray for all of you to be strong, or at least try to be for the sake of yourselves, your health, and for your sanity. GOD bless and keep you all strong.

Feb 25, 2013
Reply to your message
by: bob36chuk@yahoo.com

Hello -

I came across this site by pure accident, and was very sad to read to story.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 42 years now, and I can't imagine being without her. I am very sorry what happened to both you and him, and only wish there was a way, aside from offering my condolances to you.

Please accept my best wishes for you.

Sincerely,

Bob Chuk

Feb 25, 2013
Two and a half months since my husband died
by: Nirmala

My husband's friends pretty much disappeared, the ones he became friends with in the last five years are history. Thank God for my teenagers and two big dogs, I am still here. I feel the same way as the previous writers. My husband was only 50, we just completed our 23 wedding anniversary, he was planning a big party for the 25th. I have had to literally learn to live all over again. Everybody thinks my house is too big I should sell this and live in a smaller place, my husband fell in love within place and bought it. I know my husband bought this house for a purpose, I will try my best to keep this place as long as I possibly can. Although it might not be easy to find a job, thank God my husband is still watching out for the kids and I. If I can get back to work in the next year or so I will be happy. I had an unfinished graduate degree, last year I went back to college to complete it. For the past couple of months I have been refusing to believe ther is a God, I still can't comprehend how there is some much injustice in this world for decent law abiding human beings. Even the day before my husband died, he had mentioned that since he has never harmed anybody nothing bad would happen to him.

Feb 25, 2013
Mad
by: Gigi

I am so mad! 31years of marriage. 20 years of him being sick. A disabled child to care for. My children are all grown, so I am thankful for that. New grandson dec 24 and husband dies 3 days later. We will never decorate a tree together again. So sad

Feb 25, 2013
The pain is awful
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband on December 26, 2012. We were expecting to have our twins delivered by c-section that morning. My doctor thought the stress of delivery would be too much emotionally and physically for me. Went through with the funeral and burial on New Years Eve. Spent New Years snuggling with my puppy. The next day I delivered our twins. A boy and a girl. My son had to spend the first 12 days of his life in NICU. He just needed to gain a little weight as he didn't have a lot of fat stores and his blood sugar dipped too low. Which had me freaking out as his father's blood sugar dropped too low and stopped his heart the week before.
I am speaking to a counselor, but I just need to be able to stay strong for my babies.

Feb 24, 2013
Thank you
by: Appsphyl

I want to thank the person that send me a message on 2/23/13, The Lord is My Strength. Thank you so much as you really know how I am feeling. Also, without my cats I would be lost. I want to know my purpose for living since God took Bill who was the most wonderful person in the world. I cherish the time we had together and cling to the thought of seeing and being with him again. Now I know I have a friend who understands me and I will read your message over and over when I feel down. Thank you so much. I think you have found your purpose.

Feb 23, 2013
The Lord is my Strength
by: Anonymous

This is for : to Appsphyl
Listen I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel that way in the beginning, and sometimes I feel that way sometimes. My husband's death is going to be a yr. Next month March 2013, and to me I still feel like it was yesterday. Just last night I broke down, because I haven't been able to really mourn my loss, my husband. Why? because I had to dive in to the problems, which were left undone, such as the house mortgage, and other issues that need taken care off. I am alone, even though I have family, but they are not very supportive. Sad huh!! but that is how the cookie crumples. I depend on myself, GOD who gives me the strength to go on, and my dog & cat who are my therapy, who they love me unconditionally. If I didn't have them. I tell you I think I be really really out of sorts. I wake up everyday praying day & night, asking the Lord what is my calling & purpose here in life now, but I still haven't gotten an answer. People who I thought were friends of my husbands, no longer exist around me, as if I have the plaque, sad huh!! but that is life and reality. I wish I had a magic wand, that I can just use it to just make me feel alive sometimes, but I keep going. Listen we are never going to be the same, so get used to that, but you can try to lift yourself up, by remembering the good, & the bad memories that were left w/us from our spouses. Trust me my husband is still very much around me, I wish physically, but spiritually he is always around me. Thank GOD for that, and he visits me thru scripture, cause he was alot of beauty things, and he worked on the the dark side too. Specialty was a REHAP counselor especially gangsters. Oh I can go on & on, but 40 yrs. of this he was a Legacy, and it shows in all the seeds he planted. That is why I miss him so much, had so much to give, and gave. I hope you start letting your spirit grow, because the spirit inside us is the Jesus trying to tell you something. Learn to listen to his calling. GOD bless you, hope you can get out of the sadness within you. It isn't easy, but it isn't healthy either to keep doing what you are doing to yourself. You can get sick. Just want to let you know I feel you. Until next time my friend.

Feb 17, 2013
Unexpected loss of my husband
by: Susan

My husband died unexpectedly two weeks before Christmas of 2012 and I think about him all day,every day. He talked about going on a cruise to Alaska on our 25th Wedding anniversary,which would have been in May,2014. We were supposed to grow old together and now In feel so lost and alone. I have two sons ages 13 and 19. If it weren't for them I feel like what is the point to life. My husband was a wonderful,caring man that would help anyone that needed it and expected nothing in return. He was my soulmate and best friend. I lost my mother 19 years ago when she was only 55 years old and my father died from cancer 7 years ago. I really don't think that I can handle another loss. Every day is a struggle to go one and try to move on.

Feb 16, 2013
Sudden death of a father and husband
by: Nirmala

My car was repossessed yesterday, because the person who is helping with with these issues did not think it was important enough, all I wanted for the person to do was talk to them get them to reduce the amount of money owed, since the loan was on my husband's name. I am willing to pay it off if they can take off the interest and whatever else they can. The car was the last gift my husband bought for me trading in his car. Life goes on, I have to find ways to help my teenage son. He is at least expressing his sorrow that his father is no more to me. Yesterday he told me I should not be paying my life insurance since if something happens to me also then his sister and him will not be able to survive. Thank God we do have a good support system, my sister in law is a physician and her brother is a psychiatrist.

Feb 15, 2013
to Appsphyl
by: Kristina

I feel horrible, all the time, because my husband died. I'm sorry for me, for you, for all of us. You are lucky/blessed/whatever in that you believe definitively in an afterlife where your husband is now and where you will be together again. Believe me, it's worse when you don't have that faith, when you don't know for sure, like me. I can't wait to die, so that I can be with my husband, if there is an afterlife, or so that at least I will stop feeling the anguish of his death, if there is no afterlife and I simply cease to exist.

Feb 15, 2013
Feeling your loss
by: Appsphyl

My comment was posted and I know how each of you are feeling. It has only been 6 months but I am still crying at about everything. I think of Bill all the time and wish he was here. I know I can't bring him back and I miss him so very very much. We were together constantly for the last 4 years as we retired together and did everything together. Holidays are exceptional bad and I just got home from spending Valentine's Day alone at our favorite hotel, where we always spent Valentine's together. Only the ones that have been through the loss of a spouse can understand how I feel. I welcome any and all comments as I know I am not alone in the way I am feeling. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing he is waiting for me and I will see and be with him again.

Feb 15, 2013
FOR LISA FROM 2-12-13 COMMENT
by: RITA

HI LISA MY HUSBAND ALSO DIED ON JULY 29,2012. I AM GLAD I HAVE GOD I COULD NEVER HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT THAT HOPE HE GIVES. IM TYPING THROUGH TEARS SO FORGIVE ME. ALL THAT U SAID IS HOW I FEEL. SINCE JANUARY I HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE DEPRESSED. NOW I AM BACK TO CRYING ALL THE TIME. HUNTER DIED IN HIS SLEEP WITH HIS ARMS AROUND ME. IM SO SO THANKFUL FOR THAT & YET UNTIL 2 DAYS AGO I HAVE SLEPT ON THE SOFA I WASN'T ABLE TO GO IN OR GET IN OUR BED. I HAVEN'T SLEPT WELL SINCE HE LEFT ME & ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS IN BED AT A TIME. I M SORRY FOR GOING ON & ON. THANK U FOR UR POST. I THINK IM NEAR MY CHARACTER LIMIT. SO I MUST CLOSE NOW. LOVE RITA

Feb 14, 2013
The Lord is my strength
by: Anonymous

This is to the women "Two months since everything stop" I know exactly how you feel. The minute you need support from his so called friends, everyone just disappears and feel like they are being bothered. This is how you will find out who his real friends were, and who your real friends are and supporters. I speak from the heart, and because I know it all to well. It happened to me. My husband was always there for everyone, counseling (free) at that, and now I am a widow, and they all pretend they don't know you anymore. You will know exactly how phoney the human race can be. The ones who say call me if you need anything, but it's all a fa sod on their part. I learned throughout all this you must get strong, and start opening your eyes, because you are alone on all this. Stay away from the negative folk who just don't get it. Everyone is just for themselves. This is the real world. Now I am not judging anyone, but observe for yourself. When folk like you and I am vulnerable, people on the outside, are like volgers, ready to attack, but I always say the Lord is my Vindicator, and he watches over me. I'm learning I have to give to God's hands, cause he is in control of the storm. Trust me I am still learning, and I am still mourning, because in reality I haven't had time to grief or my loss. I'm dealing with so many things left un done. I pray that GOD give's you strength & courage through all this. My husband died of Leukemia, and next month will be a year, since he passed away, and lately I have been feeling very blue, and out of sorts in my head, but once again. I pick myself up, and pray, pray, pray to go through the day. Everyone tells me oh you are so strong, but even the strong ones has it's limits. I notice there are so many women who are widowed in this site, but we have to stick together, and be our own supporters, at least by talking about it. You know we know the pain we are feeling inside, don't let it eat at you, because it will only get worst. I am sending you light energy. GOD bless you, and try to keep your chin up.

Feb 12, 2013
Two months since everything stopped
by: Anonymous

I can't believe it has been two months since my husband passed away, today somebody came to take my husband's leased car. Everytime it hits me so hard, I seem to cry to everybody that talks to me. It is so difficult I sometimes feel it will be so simple if I don't have to wake up the next day but then I don't have that luxury either, now I am a single mother for my 19 and 17 year kids. Thankfully the kids are very good and I am sure they will turn up good, but I still have to make sure my son particularly does not taking a wrong turn at this crucial point in life. Will it ever get better? I am very disappointed with some of the friends, all those people who were always with my husband now cannot even be bothered to make sure we are safe, my dogs have been a lot better than many of these human beings.

Feb 12, 2013
Lost My Husband to Our Life; Will See Him Again
by: Lisa

To all who are feeling so much pain as I am that we don't know how we go on without our husbands (and wives for those few men who write here).

My life was forever changed when my husband took his last breath after 2 hours and 40 minutes of trying to hold on to his life (for me). Since his diagnosis, he often told everyone, "What will happen to Lisa, I have to go on for her." And that night 7/29/12, Sunday night, he tried so hard to hold on until I told him, "I'll be all right, go to God, go to Mom & Dad (my parents), go to the Light." Right that second, he stopped breathing from his battle with the lethal, horrible, pancreatic/liver cancer that spread all over his body. He fought a valiant, distinguished (at times not so due to so much pain, meds, chemo) fight, and he knew he was dying, but refused to say the words. I knew it from the first day, but I prayed for a miracle. God had other plans.

I look for him, I call out his name over and over. I cry every day and night, I beg for him to be returned home. I look at his photo on my home page on thecomputer. He lights up the room, even in a photo.

I have days that I want to give up, and dark thoughts and plans run through my mind; but being a Christian, I know God will not be pleased, and I will not get to Heaven to be reunited with my husband. I don't know how I will hang on; Christmas, Thanksgiving past were horrible, lonely, and extremely difficult and very solemn and different for me. He loved those holidays, and I felt so horrible after spending 46 Christmases with him--only missed on when he was in Vietnam.

My life, my heart was cut in half, no really cut into a gazillion pieces, and nothing will ever be the same without my husband, nor will anyone match who he was. I exist, that's how I live, just existing minute to minute. Not one second goes by without thoughts of him, sorrow, pain.

you understand me, but no one who has not gone through this understands--I know because some people tell me to get help, move on, etc. I don't listen any more. At times, I am angry that he died and I say it's unfair. What used to be, "it's the other guy" is now my guy, and it hurts.

Until I see him again, I will wait to feel his presence, and hope that I can survive this heartache that never stops.

Lisa

Feb 11, 2013
loss of my best friend and love of my life
by: Anonymous

It's been 32 days.. He was only 55 and had a sudden heart attack at home. he had no known issues with his heart. We had so many plans to get debt squared away and retire and travel and be happy for many years..together. Yes, we were only married 8 1/2 years, but it doesn't change how much I loved him and miss hugging him and seeing him there in the morning when I wake up, and warming my feet on his hairly legs when I go to bed. Everyone says I am strong and tells me how well I do, but they aren't with me at home when I just start crying for no aparent reason. I know I will move forward in my life and will do what I need to do to maintain my home, but I feel like a huge part of me has been ripped away and my life turned upside down; and my future turned upside down. Funny, one thing I miss the most is holding hands..he always held my hand; even as we went to sleep he would reach across and hold my hand.

Feb 09, 2013
in another world
by: Tracy

I reconize many feelings reading others' stories. I was married 18 yrs to my best friend, soul mate and to my heart. Mike passed away 12-24-08....he passed four days after his bday. We NEVER were apart...you see...mike was born with a terminal illness. He had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and Kyphoscoliosis. He was on a vent an in an electric wheelchair when I met him. I INSTANTLY fell deeply in love. I did all of his cares 24/7...365 days a year. When he passed I was numb...I woke up crying and it was literally a different world and still is. Mike taught me soooo much about strength that I knew I had to put my feet on the floor immediately and just put one foot infront of the other and survive otherwise...i knew id never get up. I love him so much. Everytime I think of entertaining the idea of finding someone and am presented w a date or anything I run as fast as I can but I also am really missing sharing w a man again. I was widow when I was 39 and now 44 almost. I think I am just lost forever....:((

Jan 31, 2013
Painful
by: Anonymous

I just heard from the Medical examiner that my husband's blood alcohol was .3, what was he thinking. He had completely quit drinking and on Friday when he went to court to defend his medical billing, his lawyer decided to skip breaks to tire the other lawyer out. He came home and started drinking, he is gone and now I am a widow at 49 and my teenagers have to complete college and move on in life without a father and his stupid partners are counting the money my husband made for them, I wonder if I can sue them for taking my husband's life

Jan 30, 2013
We are in this together
by: Vicki

We all have our stories, our loss, and our pain. My husband of 24 years died suddenly and unexpectedly. He died 12/16/2012. Bill and I had the same birthday, 12/05. We were married on our birthdays. We were made for each other. Everyone told me how much Bill adored me and the way the saw the way he looked in my eyes. I was a very severe drunk and Bill picked up the pieces of all my destruction. He was my savior. I got sober 4/14/2007 and Bill quit drinking with me. However, he didn't change his life and I did. We were seperated for 2 1/2 years and finally divorced. As soon as I left he went back to drinking a lot. We had only been divorced 4 months when I got the call from the sheriff that Bill had passed away. They say that he died of natural causes but I believe his drinking was a large contributing factor. I had hope that one day his love for me would out weigh his love for alcohol. Now I struggle with he is not a phone call away, there are no second chances. This one can't be fixed. My passion is to help other alcoholics and speak at treatment centers and AA meetings but I couldn't help my own husband. I just want to say that we are in a group of our own in our grief. Many people have lost, parents, friends and someone close but if you haven't lost a spouse you will never understand what we are going through. Thank you for being here for me. I need to know I'm not alone. Will it get better, I hope so. Because I'm not having an easy time accepting all of this. Bill you were a good man, a wonderful husband and father and I will love you forever. I just keep asking him, why did you leave me here alone to deal with this great big world.

Jan 26, 2013
Painful
by: Anonymous

It is the most painful part of our lives, to lose ones husband. It feels like something is terribly wrong constantly, my husband was here on the 11th December and suddenly he just died, being a doctor how come he did not realise something was wrong. I don't even know what I can do anymore, financially the partners have not settled anything, I feel so desperate particularly in the evening. My 19 year old daughter sleeps in my room, I don't know when I will get over this fear. We have two big dogs so we are ok security wise, the terrible winter is not making things better.

Jan 26, 2013
Loss of my Best Friend
by: Appsphyl

I lost my husband of 32 years on August 12, 2012 very suddenly. He had not been sick and seemed to be in perfect health. He was only 58. He was with me at 3:00 pm and at 4:00pm, he was gone. Autopsy showed he had a hernia wrapped around his small intestine which caused his heart to beat faster and the heart just wore out. I cry every day and cry myself to sleep at night. If not for my cats with me I don't know what I would do. My children have been here for me, but can't be with them every minute. I hear a song, I think of our good times and bad times, think of our traveling and I burst into tears. I am told it will get better, but I just feel so lost and alone. He was my everything, the love of my life and my best friend. It is really hard to get though the holidays and special events. Our oldest grandson will graduate High School this year and I know he will be with his grandson and be so proud of him. I know he is in a better place and did not suffer, but it is so lonely without him and his jokes and laughter and I miss him so much.

Jan 23, 2013
Life without my husband
by: Anonymous

I am in the same place, we were married for 23 years, we argued a lot talked about divorce a few times, but realized he would never divorce me, neither would I in spite all the problems we still were soul mates, unfortunately I am still only 49 and healthy, I am scared once the kids leave the house I will be all alone. I do not want to be with another man in my life. At this point I do not believe in God, religion has done nothing for me. It looked my husband was training me to be independent, the last time I wanted him to take care of my car tires he had told me I should do it myself so that I knew what I had to do. I convinced him to do it for me that time, less than a month before he died on 12/1/12. He changed the oil for my car and I when I asked how come there is no sticker to tell me when the next oil change had to be done, he told the indicator in the car will tell me when to do it.. I do not want to live without him, I wish I will get up from this nightmare

Jan 23, 2013
What's next?
by: gin

My best friend and love of my life died six months ago (two days before our 45th wedding anniversary) after a year long battle with cancer. I was bereft and could not imagine a life without him. So many people told me that things would get better but those words did not comfort me at the time. My response was that I did not want things to be better because that would mean he was in my past and I so wanted him to be part of the present. Time and life have a way of evolving even as we struggle to hold on. My children are grown with their own families and they adored (and cherish) their father. I knew I was increasing their pain when one of them said, "Mom, you are a shadow of yourself. We miss Dad too but you can't go on like this. You have us and your grandchildren and you are here and we need and want you back, the real you, please". Clearly, they needed me to be me, not a sad, old woman who was wallowing in grief. I am so conflicted about this because I so love them and I know my husband would be the first one to insist that I be available to them and not another emotional burden. I have been working through all this, which is good, but my heart is not really in it. They both have commented on the fact that friends have tried to reach out to me but I am not eager to do things. Sometimes I avoid calls and messages. I have many friends from many phases of my life, even some dear friends from high school and college. I have spoken with my doctor and started on an anti-depressant which as helped but I am still feeling overwhelmed and prefer to be alone. I forced myself to go out with several work friends last night who arranged a dinner FOR ME to celebrate my transition to part time work (a plan that was well underway for two years, even before my husband got sick). He was semi-retired and I was going to cut my hours so we could do more together, hence, a very bitter sweet transition for me now that he is gone. Clearly, I am struggling with letting go and moving forward. I can laugh, I can be funny and joke (something I truly learned from my husband who had an amazing wit and sense of humor so I learned to banter back and forth with him and so loved that about our relationship. He made me laugh from morning to night and I did the same for him. How do I hold on to the wonderful memories and let the pain go? Is this normal? What's next?

Jan 16, 2013
I came here for comfort
by: Ma*ry

My Uncle died 2 days ago. I thought ok that's life- he was 92 and because I believe in the other.. that which you cannot see, I thought I was coping. Today the tears flowed, I remembered my last time with him, the time I dragged him out of his wheelchair and asked him to dance with me, he smiled and wanted to and he said, lucky the body is willing today. I was lucky & so blessed to have that memory. I thanked him for being the best Uncle I could have asked for. I cried for my Auntie today after 50+ years of being together and then to suddenly not be physically there, I feel her pain, shit man that sucks. I cried coz my uncle was crying from heaven, I felt his energy.. if only they knew.. death is not the end, it is the beginning, another dimension, a reality that we here on earth cannot comprehend because we can't see it! He wishes everyone could feel their loved ones presence, the pain would be less hard to bare then, coz they would find comfort in that. You just have to believe the truth of your feelings and not what you are conditioned to believe from birth to death, the end.. because it isn't. God bless and Peace xx

Jan 11, 2013
Losing my soulmate, the love of my life
by: Kara

We were on the most amazing journey, every day I loved him more and more. He was my best friend, teacher, business partner, lover and soulmate. The most wonderful, kind, patient, considerate, consistent and unconditional man I ever met.He taught me so very much about life, about relationships and most importantly about myself.

Two years ago, he presented me with a bonsai tree with the words "If you can love and nurture this, then you can love and nurture me" How I loved that tree, it grew and blossomed and life for us was wonderful except financially. He used to say he didn't want to drag me down with him, I used to say I was the hand that stopped him going under, it would bring him back out of the doldrums.

Tomorrow would have been his 50th Earthday, he died in the night of a massive heart attack on the 4th December, I was not with him but in the morning when I woke up the bonsai tree was dead! I tried reiki and this voice was crying "please don't leave me David, I love you" I thought it strange but now realise it was my soul that knew. I found out when I went to see him that he had died. I went into total shock, I kept busy, things to arrange, people to notify, funeral to arrange, no money to cremate him, fundraising just to give my beautiful man the send off he deserved, wake to organise, he was with me until his cremation now there is nothing to comfort me in my grief, people get on with their lives, so quickly forgotten except to me...

I know I will be alright, I know life goes on, I know I will be happy again, but I will never ever meet anyone like him and not sure I would want to. I am lucky to have known love, blessed to have been loved by him and I owe it to him to live my life and live it well with honour and respect to him. I am strong, I am coping, I am working, but when I go to bed at night and thank God for sending him to me and enriching my life, I cry myself to sleep

God bless my darling, I will love you always until we can be together again.

See you when I'm looking at you...

Jan 10, 2013
My husband, my lover, my best friend
by: Anonymous

I,too, lost my soul mate only 4 months ago on September 8, 2012. We were married for 43 years and he was the love of my life. We were married very young and planned on growing old together,and now that dream is gone. He will never know his grandson who was born on December 11. It breaks my heart. He loved being a grandfather to my daughter's adopted children and so looked forward to meeting his grandson. He died so suddenly. No warning and now my life is forever changed. I miss him so much,I sometimes can't stand it. I know he would want me to live life to the fullest, but it's so hard. I have a wonderful family and some good friends, but they really can't relate to the pain and loneliness. I hope the pain will lessen. Right now it is just so raw. I pray for peace.

Jan 08, 2013
My husband died 4 weeks ago today
by: Nirmala

It feels so raw, final and so much pain from inside. I still can't believe he died. I gave him his dinner, gave him grapes on Monday night, by the time I dropped my children and came he was gone and I still did not realize, decided he was just sleeping since he was stressed after testifying in the court previous Friday. He was only 50
I don't know how I will ever be able to pick myself up. Although we had our share of arguments, neither of us could have lived without the other one, but now I do not have a choice, unfortunately I am still young and healthy and have a long way to go.

Jan 06, 2013
The Lord is My Strength
by: Anonymous

I too lost my husband 10 months ago, he was the greatest husband, loving, humble, and very giving, and always had time for everyone's pain, but his own. I lost him to Leiukima deadly disease. He loved life, and was a REHap Counseler the best of 40 yrs. worked in the dark side. Gangsters was his specialty, but new how to handle even the worst of society. GOD gave him a BIG task, and did it with so much grace. I have already gone through the loneliness, angry, the whole caputal, but he is always around me in spirit. We turned 13 yrs married in November 2012, and November 2012 was another birthday, his B-Day. My only advise is to have GOD in your life's he just makes it so much better, even though we will never be the same w/out our love ones, but be assured they are always beside us. Stay away from people who are toxic, negative, and have NO clue about how you are felling, only unless that person has lost someone like you and I, and that includes family members, because sometimes they can even be worst than helpful. I go to the bookstore and read on lose & grief, and that tends to help me with my grief. I have my dog Luly, and cat Blacky, now they are a source of therapy for me, and they love you unconditionally. Well my friends I pray for all of you with suffering souls, but my "Bubba" always told me to look ahead, and live life. He called me peanut. When I fill sometimes like I can't go on, talk to GOD he gives you Hope, but pray from the heart he listens. Until next time my friends.

Jan 04, 2013
Lost
by: Mrs. Turner

My husband was coming home, 5 minutes from home as a matter fact on a country road. He came across a very blind railroad crossing and got struck on the front fender of the truck, They say it killed him instantly. I couldn't even view him to say good bye or nothing. That was October 29, 2012.It still feels so unreal, I think he is going to come walking in the door any minute. How do I go on with life when the other part of me is gone? He was the reason I had a life together he and I. It's as if I have no feelings left inside. I cry at work, at home, the tears just come out of nowhere, anytime day or night. God could have seen fit to take me too but I was at work when the Sheriff came to notify me. Bless Us All because our lives have been changed forever.

Jan 02, 2013
Lost
by: Anonymous

not coping: I truly feel exactly as you do. I lost my soul mate, best friend, love of my life, just Nov.20, 2012. I tried to save his life as he passed out from choking on pieces of tissue from his lung, Only to be followed by so much blood. I did CPR until paramedics came. I couldn't save him. Everyone tries to comfort me, I guess they just don't know what to say. He can't possibly be happy. He did not want to go. He wanted to be here with me and our three children. True, maybe he is out of pain, but he fought his pain for 9+ years to be with us. He didn't want to stop fighting. He was the only one I could talk to, the one that knew me inside and out. He knew what to do if I got a migraine, he knew how to make me laugh, he calmed me down when I would get scared. We were one! We didn't believe in use of illegal drugs. We didn't want our children to learn incorrectly. We were ONE! How can I go on? I feel incomplete. I live now only for our three prize possessions, our children. I look forward to the day I make love to my husband and see his beautiful face again. Until then, I feel I only have love to give the children and work to mold them into the beautiful human being that my husband was. sadness is an understatement.

Dec 27, 2012
Healing Will Take Time
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband when he was coming home from work. Someone decided to come into the freeway the wrong way. My husband died of internal bleeding, his friend(the driver survived) and the person causing the accident also survived. I waited for my husband to come home but he never came home. He went to his grave. He was the one that I talked to about myself and our kids. My daughter was 2 years old and my son 10 days. He was my soul-mate that left me on this earth alone. I believe it's a test in life to see if I can make it, but I feel that I am breaking down from inside cause as each day passes I feel sick and pushed down. I want my life to be happy but I don't see it happening. He passed away in 2007 and I'm still struggling. He was carrying, fun, understanding, and everyone he knew loved to be around him. He made me feel happy, safe, and worth living my life for. He's gone know I struggle not to show my emotions to my kids that he's gone. My son asks about his dad everyday and sometimes I answer him while other days I pretend that I didn't hear him. All I have to say is to live life the best you can.

Dec 27, 2012
Healing Will Take Time
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband when he was coming home from work. Someone decided to come into the freeway the wrong way. My husband died of internal bleeding, his friend(the driver survived) and the person causing the accident also survived. I waited for my husband to come home but he never came home. He went to his grave. He was the one that I talked to about myself and our kids. My daughter was 2 years old and my son 10 days. He was my soul-mate that left me on this earth alone. I believe it's a test in life to see if I can make it, but I feel that I am breaking down from inside cause as each day passes I feel sick and pushed down. I want my life to be happy but I don't see it happening. He passed away in 2007 and I'm still struggling. He was carrying, fun, understanding, and everyone he knew loved to be around him. He made me feel happy, safe, and worth living my life for. He's gone know I struggle not to show my emotions to my kids that he's gone. My son asks about his dad everyday and sometimes I answer him while other days I pretend that I didn't hear him. All I have to say is to live life the best you can.

Dec 20, 2012
My Baby went to heaven... I want to go too.
by: babymend

I lost my husband on 10/10/2012. He contracted West nile virus, and he fought to stay alive and come back home with me. He went to Heaven and now I am here, don't know what for. I am alone and yet surrounded by so many caring loving friends. Still very much alone. I want to go, Why did God allow this to happen? Why didn't he protect my Baby? Why did he allow him to suffer so much?.
I miss you BABY, I will never stop loving you, I need you, I can't wait for God to call me home, I will gladly go to be there with you. I love you Papi, my Sweetheart, the Love of my Life. God bless you my Sweetheart. God bless you.

Dec 18, 2012
Lost my husband of 58 years and I don,t want to GAO on it hour him.
by: Anonymousjulia

My husband died Dec. 4' 2012 We would have been married 58 years this Dec.24". Ian's I don,t want to live without him. He was a Christian and I know he is spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I am so lonely, I can not sleep I can't eat. I have no desire to do anything, I just cry. I am so lonely, we did everything together, and I don.t know how to go on.
My children have been staying worth me, but they have to go back to work. I have never lived by my self.. Ivan,t even think of anything, Am I going crazy.


Dec 18, 2012
my heart has been torn from me
by: Kristina

My sweet husband died on September 22, 2012. We had been together for nearly 13 years, but we had been legally married literally one week before he died. In one week everything went from wonderful to horrible. He had a sudden, massive heart attack and died, and I wasn't there with him, although my sister and brother-in-law were (they were in a band together, and had a gig; sometimes I went to their gigs, but I hadn't gone to that one). I do not want to live. If I hadn't promised my family otherwise, I would kill myself. My husband was the love of my life -- the only man I loved, the only man I made love with, really the only man I ever dated. I don't understand why God, if there is one (I'm agnostic) made this happen or allowed it to happen. I am so angry at God or the universe or whatever. I want to die now, so that I can be with my husband. Or even if there is no afterlife, at least I would be out of this pain. But I hope there is an afterlife, because the idea of my sweetheart no longer existing is excruciating. I do not believe that this will ever get better, and I honestly don't care if it does. I have no interest in life or in anything. I want to be dead. I want to be with my love.

Dec 14, 2012
the loss of the love of my life
by: Anonymous

i lost my husband on November 27 2012 it has been the hardest thing ever he was on 36 years old.we had been together for 16 years and married 14 years.he was the love of my life soul mate and my rock.we have three children at home and are raising 3 grandchildren i so hope it gets easier cause all i do is think about him 24 7

Nov 27, 2012
Loss of a Spouse
by: Terri Smith

Dear Sad, I do understand, and you will get thru it. I agree with you regarding trying to stay busy, but the only thing that will get you thru this is time, unfortunately. I can tell you from direct experience it does get to a point where it begins to look better, but give yourself the time you need to heal. Best Wishes. Please keep in touch.

Terri

Nov 26, 2012
sad
by: Anonymous

Lost my hubby last month.this is so hard for me.most days I just want to go and be with him.I try to stay busy but its not helping.

Nov 26, 2012
Loss of a Spouse
by: Terri Smith

Good afternoon to all. I am soooo sorry for all of your losses, and I totally understand the grief and hurt your experiencing. I lost my husband December 26, 2011, the day after Christmas. What I will tell you all is feel what you need to feel, do not let ANYONE tell you what you should be doing, and what not to do. Grief as as individual as you are, and no 2 experiences will be the same. You may never get over this loss, but you will learn how to live with it. From what I've been told, our loved ones know we're grieving, but would not want us to suffer any more than necessary, but again, this will not be the same for anyone. YOU WILL GET THRU THIS!!. I know right now it doesn't seem like it, and you're gonna have good days and bad. It's been almost a year, and it still feels like it was yesterday. I don't cry as much as I used to. I was sure my tear ducts were gonna explode. Try and remember all of the good times you shared. Talk to your loved one, I do everyday. Do what feels right for you. Best Wishes, Terri

Nov 22, 2012
Not coping
by: Tammy

It's been 8 months since my husband died of a sudden heart attack. We were less than 2 months from our 17th wedding anniversary. He was only 49, never drank, never smoked and worked out everyday. He had just gotten home from the gym and I was calling 911 within 15 minutes of him coming in the door. Since his death, my children and I have gone through the wedding anniversary, fathers day, his birthday, july 4th and both of my children's birthdays. Now Thanksgiving and Christmas are upon us. I have no idea how to get past this. No idea if I want to get passed it. I have not been able to return to work because I still can't sleep at night. I don't want to shop, go outside, see people, talk to people, nothing. Grocery shopping is horrible. I love to cook, but can't seem to manage that. My children are 16 and 10 and this is not fair to them. Having to deal with my pain is one thing, but I have to deal with theirs too and somehow appear to be strong? Is that possible? I don't want to be miserable, but I don't want to be happy either. Make sense? People expect us as widows to talk to them, share what we are feeling to get it out, but why don't they understand that's not possible? The person I went to for everything is gone and there is no way that I can open up to them the way I did with him. He was my confidant, he was the person I went to when I was happy, sad, scared, excited and now I'm just suppose to open up to others with all these feelings??????? Are the crazy? or am I? They say, he's happy where he is. Really??? how can I believe that he can be happy not being able to be with his children as they grow, walk his only daughter down the aisle at her wedding, be the wonderful grandpa that I know he would have been? I cry everyday and I have more questions than answers. I just want to get in my car and drive and go nowhere.

Nov 01, 2012
My amazing husband
by: Anonymous

My husband Robbie died Oct 6 .2012!we spent our 43rd wedding Ann. Going to Kelowna for radiation. My life without him feels empty and I'm lost as we were still so deeply in love and he should be with me. I'm having a hard time excepting he's gone. The house is quiet and no communication . We would talk about our children and grandchildren.i miss asking him about the car, or figuring out the tv ect. The bills , he was my go to person my hugs and hearing him say" hi Gouch".
MY cuddle times, he was my calm me down . It's so unfair and sucks he's not here with me. I need him so badly. I've had family and friends staying with me since Robbie went, and now on my own for the first time. Day one. Still in bed and found this web site and found so many people in my grieving. My heart and prayers go out to you. I'm sad today but forcing myself to get up and do some housework and keep myself from going to deep into sadness . Keep writing out there. Bonnie

Oct 30, 2012
i just want die
by: sue

my man died 6 weeks ago after 12 month illness where he required increasing amounts of oxygen. I was told 6 months previously that he was about to die and we moved heaven and earth to get him home from hospital.
My wonderful strong man carried on for 6 months despite what everyone said. I stopped work and we spent nights and days together mostly with me watching him almost suffocate to death every day.
one day in september when there was no one else around I lay down beside him and fell asleep, when I woke up he had gone.
we had been married 32 years and have a daughter and grand children and I know I should be stronger for them and I feel so selfish but I just want to go to him. I have thought about how to do this and am horrified that I could even consider putting my family through that but I just dont want to wake up to another day without him.

Oct 23, 2012
Horrible agonizing pain
by: Anonymous

I feel so dead and empty inside. Sometimes I feel as if I can't breathe. I would give my life for my husband, we lost him less than 2 months ago. We were in an auto accident and unfortunately I survived, I wish I were with him right now. We have a son, and I know I have to be strong for him, but there are days when I just want to die. How could I make it, but not him. He was so much of a better person than I will ever be. Oh my God I need him, I want him back please. I feel so helpless and empty, I can't be without him. I want to know that he's okay, I need him back, I want to be where he is, I want to hug him and kiss him, tell him I love him with my life. I'm not sure what to do anymore, there are no words to describe how I feel. Please God I want him back, help me wake up from this horrible dream.

Oct 01, 2012
ALMOST LOST IT TODAY WHEN A SONG CAME ON
by: LINDA

I STOP MYSELF FROM HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN EVERYDAY-THATS WHAT ITS COME TO NOW-I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE PAIN IM FEELING

Oct 01, 2012
still at a loss
by: linda

its now been over a year and i think i am worse now, because it has been the worst year of my life and i say "this it it?" without my jim my life is empty and meaningless, i dont care about anything i dont want to buy anything-i just exist, my children think i should be better now, but how can 1 year wipe out 53 years of a close marriage-no one understands unless they walk in your shoes.

Sep 30, 2012
me too
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband after 35 years of marriage.We did everything together and were in retirement years. I was so happy, until he told me he had an affair with a female co-worker and it lasted three years. I tried so hard for six months to get over that shock but in the end we separated and two and a half months later he died. We never got to say goodbye, and some days I miss him terribly, and other days due to his infidelity, I'm angry, hurt, at a loss for "why" and I have pretty much stayed by myself for last two years since he passed. Now-- I want to start socializing but I have no earthly idea how to start that process. I'm 69 years old, have been told I look like I'm in fifties, and I have a cute build, I just don't know where to start meeting people--help

Sep 08, 2012
I understand
by: Anonymous

I too lost my husband to a tragic accident. He drowned while trying to clear some fishing line from the motor of his boat. He fell overboard and the guy he was fishing with watched him drown because he didn't know how to swim and just panicked. Idiot. I know the struggle you are having. It is so hard to deal with the fact that it is so sudden and you try to find an explanation for why it happened. I keep going over and over it in my head. It has been 8 weeks today and while I have moments now when I am not crying I can be overcome with grief at a moments notice. I went back to work a week after the funeral and I end up running to the bathroom to cry my eyes out and have my breakdown. I have been forced into this life that I don't want...one without my forever love,my whole world, my life. When he died, so did a part of me. I am forever changed. I worry so much that he struggled and suffered and I can't bear the thought of that. I can't stop thinking about it and thinking I should have been there to help him and somehow feel that he needed me and I wasn't there. I know that is ridiculous but why do I keep feeling like this?? This sucks. There is no other way to put it. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I feel your pain. It is so personal and people don't understand unless it has happened to them. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jun 27, 2012
I know what you are going through
by: Anonymous

It has been 13 months since my husband died, he was 50, he choked eating lunch in a hospital. I too could never have imagined such pain. He was my soul mate, best friend, and I miss him everyday, I can only tell you that the initial pain eases after a few months, but there is no set pattern I still, cry, get angry, feel like there is no point in going on.
A few friends who were close to him understand what I am going through, but others think I should put him away on a shelf, like a photo and move on. I have difficulty going to places we use to go so I avoid them. I couldn't even grocery shop for the first 4 months, because I was confused and didn't know what to buy, so I would cry and leave the store. I find myself wanting to stay home when I am not at work, instead of socializing, because at home I can go back into his world. A friend who lost her husband said it took her 5 years to be ready to move on with her life, she just did the necessary things, go to work, etc. The isolation and lonliness somedays are unbearable. Sometimes, less and less now, I still wait to hear his key in the door at night. During this time, I have learned a lot about God, I always had him in my life, but have seen sides of him I have never felt or seen before, he walks daily with me guiding my footsteps, surrounding me with his love, and feels my pain.

Talk to God a zillion times a day if you have to, he does not mind, and remember he said I will not leave you orphans.

Bless you honey.

Dec 21, 2011
TOO MUCH TO BEAR
by: LINDA

they say GOD DOESNT GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE, I DONT KNOW ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE ITS BEEN 4 MONTHS AND I CANT FUNCTION-I FEEL LIKE IM HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN THERE ARE NO WORDS OR ANYONE THAT CAN COMFORT ME--I PRAY EVERYDAY BUT I DONT FEEL ANYTHING==I CANT ACCEPT HIS DEATH SO I CANT GO FORWARD--LINDA

Dec 21, 2011
Lost even after 18 months
by: Anonymous

We first lost my father in law June 30th 2009 to brain cancer. Then in October 2009 my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer. We had been helping out taking care of his dad and the whole time he had this vicious disease. I hate to even say the C word. My husband passed May 11th 2010 and my life took a downward spiral. I had been on FMLA from my job to take care of him. Just as soon as he passed I was expected to return to work a week after I had buried him. Needless to say I took off time under doctors orders. We had been married almost 34 years I was completely devastated over this second loss. My lover, my soulmate, the father of my two grown children and we were expecting a new granddaughter in 4 weeks. How am I going to be able to function like a person without him in my life. I was under doctors care and being treated for depression and panic attacks
In August 2010 I asked my doctor to release me to return to work and when I called the HR Manager I was told a week later that my position had been eliminated. So now I had my third loss. My life was not looking better and I felt like why me, I am a good person, a Christian and this is happening to me.
I started collecting unemployment which was a drop in the bucket compared to what I had to pay out.
I am still without a job and apply weekly but to no avail. I am attending a Grief Support Group which is no cost at a local church.
I pray one day I will be able to function in what would be a new normal life. I miss him so much and feel his presence at times.
God Bless all of you who have suffered this type of loss. When all goes well pray for me.

Sep 07, 2011
life is meaningless without my jim
by: linda

i lost my husband 3 weeks ago and i cant function. all i do is cry allday-i put off going home and when im on mu way home i cry while im driving--everything is meaningless without him, i dont feel anything but grief--i dont even want to exist-i dont know what to do-

May 21, 2011
I Loved him!
by: Anonymous

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong. (WH Auden)

My husband of 28 years died on April 18,2011 and before I could even get to the point where I could go through his stuff - we suffered a massive forest fire in our town and had to be evacuated!!

He was my soul mate - I knew it from the very first time I met him and I don't know how I can go on - only that I have to. We have two teenager that I have to set an example for and right now I don't even know if I am capable of doing that.

I get up everyday and just exist...because I have to.

Future looks bleak, but trying to get through this with dignity and grace helps - something to strive for everyday....

Mar 03, 2011
We Do Go On
by: TrishJ

It's only been three months for me since my husband Joe died. I like you felt numb, dizzy, afraid and hopeless for the first 60 days. I'm now in the angry stage. I'm still frightened, very lonely but more angry than anything right now.

I met a wonderful lady on another grief website. We have been emailing each other twice a week. Her husband died 15 months ago so she has been a lifeline for me. She recommended the grief support group called GriefShare. Please check them out on the internet and sign up for the daily email support. That's how I start my day now.....by reading the email I'm sent. They have local meetings ~ there should be several in your area within a 15 mile driving distance. I went to my first meeting last Sunday and actually came home with some hope in my heart.

My husband was my lover, my best friend, my life. I will love and miss him every day for the rest of mine. When we love so deeply unfortunately we pay the price at that person's death. It all seems so unfair. That's why I'm angry right now. I still spend at least one hour each day crying. I see or hear something that reminds me of him and I have to go be by myself for 15 minutes. Nobody wants to look at my tears.
It's still overwhelming but I thinks it's getting just a wee bit better. The nights are the hardest when I lay in my bed all alone. No one to kiss goodnight. No one to tell me I'm loved.

As far as your job goes, people at work are just not comforting. Until someone has walked in your shoes they don't know the feeling. I actually had to leave my job 6 months before my husband died. My co-workers were all very understanding in the beginning of my husband's illness but lost that kindness along the way. I don't regret losing my job. Your old co-workers will expect you to move on with your life even when you aren't ready. Maybe a complete change of jobs would be best for you ~ when you are ready.
God's blessings to you. Just take one breath, one step at a time.

Mar 03, 2011
CONFORT
by: Anonymous

I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THOUGH I LOST MY HUSBAND 13 MONTHS AGO ITS VERY HARD STILL. BUT WITHOUT THE GOOD LORD AND GODS HOLY WORD I DONT KNOW WHERE ID BE. I CRYED EVERYDAY FOR SEVERAL MONTHS I STILL HAVE MY MOMENTS BUT I KNOW HE WAS A CHRISTIAN MAN SO I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE JUST TO GAIN IM ALSO A CHRISTIAN AND LOOKING TOWARD HEAVEN SOMEDAY TO MEET UP WITH HIM CANT WAIT.

I HAVE DREAMS ABOUT HIM ALOT THE DREAMS STARTED AROUND 6 OR7 MONTHS I KNOW HES WITH ME IN SPIRIT. IM A SINNER SAVED BY GODS GRACE PRAISE THE LORD! GOD BLESS YOU!!!! I HOPE THIS IS A COMFORT TO YOU.
PLEASE DONT LET ANYONE COMPARE THEIR SITUATION WITH YOURS IVE BEEN THERE. DANIEL AND I WAS MARRIED 7 BLESSED YEARS, MARRIAGE IS A BLESSING. IN CHRISTS LOVE, AH

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