Loss of my Soul Mate
I would like to tell you about the most wonderful, beautiful woman that I have been married to for 7 years. She took my breath away the first time I met her at our school that we work together at...still. Which will continue to make this loss even more difficult as we learn to just be coworkers.
Three weeks ago I read a text message from a "friend" of hers that said..."thinking of you. and us." I was devastated. I confronted her about it and asked her if she had feelings for her. She told me that she didn't know. Since then she has left me (physically and emotionally) to pick of the pieces of our last 7 years together. She has had the nerve to tell me that she has felt that we were only friends for the past two years. We have always promised one another that we would go to counseling if we ever needed it. As soon as she told me I found a counselor right away and we are in therapy, but I feel so hopeless because she will not agree to try on our marriage. She says that once her feelings are gone she isn't certain that they would ever come back! I asked her to just try...for her, for me, for us, for our family, for the life that we have built together.
I was blindsided by this news, surprised and I do not agree with her perception of our relationship. I am angry that she did not seek any help for her or for us 2 years ago. I feel like she broke my trust and she broke her commitment to me and our lives. I have never cried so hard in my entire life and I know that I am grieving the end of our relationship. This is all so new and I find myself in denial and thinking that we can make it through this. We have made it through so many other things...why not this?
I found myself the other day standing in the medicine isle looking for something to help me...I realized at that very moment what I needed was a pill for a broken heart! It made me break down in front of everyone at the store. I am so ashamed that I can't hold it together long enough to go into a store and shop. I can't go to work without sobbing in my friend's arms. I have cried in front of my students and can't find the strength sometimes to keep it all together.
My mind races every second of everyday. I keep trying to figure out why this happened, when she stopped loving me, why she didn't tell me, why is she now in love with another woman and here I am still wanting her back and for her to love me again like she has for the past 7 years. I did not sign up for this when we committed ourselves to each other. She keeps telling me that her new love has nothing to do with us. I think that is a cop-out! She keeps trying to convince me that I have been unhappy. It is so far from the truth it has physically made me throw up. This is all so difficult to stomach.
We have all the same friends and coworkers since we work together, we have bought a house and adopted two beautiful dogs together. We have all our finances and debt intertwined so tightly that I am not certain I can easily just get out of this terrible situation. It makes me want to run and scream...WHY ME???? I am a good person! I am kind, generous, caring, compassionate, loving, supportive, reflective, understanding, devoted and committed. I poured my heart, soul, mind, and body into this relationship and I am now broken. Broken so badly that I do not think I can or ever will recover from this loss.
She is coming back to the house on Thursday...we go to counseling again on Friday. I don't even know which direction is up or down right now! How will we live in the same house? How will we care for our dogs and finances? I have spent the last three days putting up a wall in our back room so that one of us can move into that room. She is house sitting...taking it easy and I am sure talking with and spending time with her new love. How did this happen to us? I thought that we were so solid and committed for life to one another. I am devastated! My pain has been so deep I can do nothing but hurt and cry. I am scared that I am pushing away my friends and family because I just call them and cry. They are hurting for me too and just want to help, but they are so far away.
If there is anyone else out there that has been in my shoes...I FEEL and KNOW your pain! I am so sorry for you too! May the storm past quickly and may the sun, rain and rainbow of hope appear soon!