Loss of my soul mate
(Las Vegas, NV)
Next month will be one year since my twin sister passed. I use words like passed, gone, went away, not here anymore. I avoid the ‘D’ word as it just sounds so ugly and too final. I have experienced the loss of several loved ones during my 49 years now. My parents when I was 21 and 22. My husband right before year I turned 39. Each time I thought I would not survive. Each time I did NOT want to survive. I still go through those emotions. On the anniversary of their birthdays, their passing, holidays. After the loss of my parents and my husband I tried excessive drinking, cutting myself, throwing myself into my job. Anything to avoid ‘feeling’ the pain and ‘thinking’ about them and also felt I had to punish myself for surviving. But I realized I was just avoiding, running away. Grief takes time and one has to go through several stages. Sadness, anger, and survivor guilt (the big one) are just a few of them. I am sure anyone who reads this already knows this and may or may not agree with it.
But here is what surprised me the most. I thought my husband was my soul mate and I guess as a man and a woman love each other, he was. I know I will never feel for another man the way I felt for him and if I cannot have ‘that’ feeling, I don’t care to have another in my life. But when my twin left, I really felt as though I had lost half of myself, my soul. I realized she was my true soul mate. We had been together since conception. How much closer can you be with someone? I was not in ‘love’ with her in a bad way. I have other sisters and a brother who are still alive and we are close and have good relationships. But me and Blondie (my nickname for her), well the connection we had was way more. Sure we argued, sometimes to the point we did not speak to each other for months but we always got over it and forgave. When we got together we would start sounding like each other, it sounded like two people with the same voice, the same intonations. We would even end up speaking the same words at the same time or laugh and it sounded like stereo surround sound. Used to freak people who heard us out! We admitted that it freaked us out sometimes also, but the looks on people’s faces were so funny when these incidents happened.
I will miss those times forever. I will miss the 06:00am birthday phone call EVERY year, no matter week day or weekend, without fail to hear her singing ‘happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us.’ I will miss the arguments, the forgiving, the laughs, and the crying jags. I feel as half of ‘me’ is lost and I no matter where I turn I cannot find. I had had moments where I ‘feel’ her in the room or feel an indentation on the bed and just know it is her but when I bravely dare to look up...hoping to see her, but it is not meant to be. But I KNOW she was there for just a second or two. It is like she too feels a part of her is missing and comes around to feel that ‘wholeness’ again for just a second or two.
Blondie, you were my heart, my soul, my better half, my twin sister. I love you.