Loss of my soulmate

by Sheila

It's been ten and one half years since my husband of 30 wonderful years passed away from heart disease. It's not as though I didn't know he was ill. He took 20 pills a day and had difficulty breathing, but his death still came as a shock to me. He had good days and bad days. He died on a very good day. We always had two vehicles. He was retired and I, being 11 years younger than he, was still working. In November of 2001 we purchased a new car. On January 15, 2002, the lease expired on our other car and we drove to the dealership to return it; each driving one car. We returned home in the new car we had purchased in November. The next morning, January 16, 2002, he drove me to work and was going to pick me up at 5:00. When he dropped me off, I said to him "you'll be here at 5:00?" He said "I'll be here at 5:00!", and he kissed me. This was going to be the routine every day from then on. He enjoyed playing poker at our community recreation center which is where he went every morning. At noontime, I was eating lunch in my employer's lunchroom and was told there was a call for me. It was a local hospital telling me that my husband had been brought there by ambulance. When I asked if he was okay, I was told that I should come as quickly as possible. No information as to his condition was given on the phone. I called my son-in-law who lived near the hospital and asked him to go to be with my husband. A colleague drove me to the hospital, and when I arrived, my son-in-law met me at the emergency room door and took me in his arms and said "mom, he's gone". Those words burned in my brain with such severe pain that I wanted to die with him.
I have tried to move on in the last ten years. I have traveled with family, visited with my two children and their families or did most of the things that my husband and I did as a couple but did them either alone or with a friend or relative. I continued working up until I was laid off three years ago. After seven years, I went on three dates which all "disgusted" me. I just can't see myself with anyone else but my husband. I want to think that I haven't met the right person because I really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Now, I hardly leave my house except to go to the grocery store. My children have their own lives. My daughter, son-in-law and grandson live nearby but lead very busy lives. I see them approximately once every two weeks and speak to my daughter about twice a week. My son is recently divorced and lives in North Carolina with his two children. He only calls me to tell me his problems and never asks how I am doing or wants to hear anything about my life. I am responsible for the care of my 92 year old mother with mild dementia. She lives apart from me in an independent living facility and has a caregiver with her eight hours per day. I have two sisters, one locally and one out of state, but I am her guardian. I feel as though I am chained here. Being 70 years old, I feel I may only have 10 good years left to travel or move and I can't do either because I can't leave my mother. I have become increasingly depressed over the last several months as my mother has been declining. I see no way out. I walk around with a heaviness on my chest and a feeling like I want to throw up.
At least if I had a social life, it would offer some relief. I have nobody to talk to about my feelings that's why finding this website has been a G-d send for me. Writing this has been a wonderful outlet for my feelings.

Comments for Loss of my soulmate

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Jul 04, 2012
Loss of my soulmate
by: Doreen

Sheila I am sorry for the loss of your husband. You have so much to cope with on top of losing your husband. I can understand the way you are feeling. Lost. Lonely. Empty. Broken. Sad. Crying a lot. This is the grief we are all going through. I was married 44years and lost my husband almost 8 weeks ago. It hurts so bad I can hardly bear it. I was my husband's caregiver for 3yrs 39 days he was dying of lung cancer. A slow painful death. I am almost 64yrs. you are 70yrs. The only plus is that I am closer to the grave. life will never be the same again. You had a sudden death with your husband so your grief will be different. but the pain is the same. Just maybe more intense. Take one day at a time. Otherwise you will be overcome with the stress of it all. I know how you feel when you have family that are so busy leading their own lives and you feel you are intruding if you speak of how you are feeling. Your son that is divorced is feeling things hard so leans on you. He is unable to ask you how you are because children even Adult's can take their parents for granted and think they are the caregivers and have it all worked out. Your son is needy because he is divorced so he cannot take care of your needs as he cannot take care of his own needs. this is the hard part of grief. Your son's loss of a relationship. At the time of a death the family can become fractured and us mothers' end up being caretakers to our children. I am in the same place as you. Anyone out there needing friendship or just support when going through a loss can contact me at my email address.
Sheila I hope the days ahead will allow you time to work things out perhaps with a bereavement counsellor so that you are well supported when facing so many difficulties to look after. Take care of yourself.

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