Loss of my soulmate
It's been ten and one half years since my husband of 30 wonderful years passed away from heart disease. It's not as though I didn't know he was ill. He took 20 pills a day and had difficulty breathing, but his death still came as a shock to me. He had good days and bad days. He died on a very good day. We always had two vehicles. He was retired and I, being 11 years younger than he, was still working. In November of 2001 we purchased a new car. On January 15, 2002, the lease expired on our other car and we drove to the dealership to return it; each driving one car. We returned home in the new car we had purchased in November. The next morning, January 16, 2002, he drove me to work and was going to pick me up at 5:00. When he dropped me off, I said to him "you'll be here at 5:00?" He said "I'll be here at 5:00!", and he kissed me. This was going to be the routine every day from then on. He enjoyed playing poker at our community recreation center which is where he went every morning. At noontime, I was eating lunch in my employer's lunchroom and was told there was a call for me. It was a local hospital telling me that my husband had been brought there by ambulance. When I asked if he was okay, I was told that I should come as quickly as possible. No information as to his condition was given on the phone. I called my son-in-law who lived near the hospital and asked him to go to be with my husband. A colleague drove me to the hospital, and when I arrived, my son-in-law met me at the emergency room door and took me in his arms and said "mom, he's gone". Those words burned in my brain with such severe pain that I wanted to die with him.
I have tried to move on in the last ten years. I have traveled with family, visited with my two children and their families or did most of the things that my husband and I did as a couple but did them either alone or with a friend or relative. I continued working up until I was laid off three years ago. After seven years, I went on three dates which all "disgusted" me. I just can't see myself with anyone else but my husband. I want to think that I haven't met the right person because I really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Now, I hardly leave my house except to go to the grocery store. My children have their own lives. My daughter, son-in-law and grandson live nearby but lead very busy lives. I see them approximately once every two weeks and speak to my daughter about twice a week. My son is recently divorced and lives in North Carolina with his two children. He only calls me to tell me his problems and never asks how I am doing or wants to hear anything about my life. I am responsible for the care of my 92 year old mother with mild dementia. She lives apart from me in an independent living facility and has a caregiver with her eight hours per day. I have two sisters, one locally and one out of state, but I am her guardian. I feel as though I am chained here. Being 70 years old, I feel I may only have 10 good years left to travel or move and I can't do either because I can't leave my mother. I have become increasingly depressed over the last several months as my mother has been declining. I see no way out. I walk around with a heaviness on my chest and a feeling like I want to throw up.
At least if I had a social life, it would offer some relief. I have nobody to talk to about my feelings that's why finding this website has been a G-d send for me. Writing this has been a wonderful outlet for my feelings.