Loss of Raymond, my love, my husband 4-23-11
We were married 23 years. The second marriage for both of us. He suffered terribly with cancer for two years. Lung, bone, pancreas. For two years I was his nurse/doctor/caretaker..everything. I worked so hard trying to make him better, trying to give him some quality of life worth living. He died at home suddenly. He pulled me close, kissed me, stroked my hair and cheek and then fought to breathe and died. I have all these feelings of guilt, grief, sadness. I keep thinking over it wondering if there was some other thing I could have done. If I could have been more loving, more supportive. I didn't want him to think I thought he was going to die. I tried to be more upbeat. I was exhausted, with caring for him, but couldn't let anyone else do it. The sadness and emptiness. I'm afraid to go anywhere because I need to be home to take care of him. Like I'm hoping I can go back and do it differently. I'm so sorry for the pain he endured, I'm so sorry for the times I wasn't loving, I'm so sorry for his loss of dignity and the times I was angry or feeling tired, or feeling sorry for myself because I didn't get enough rest or a break from the stress of a situation I couldn't make better. I want forgiveness, I want him back. And neither are possible.