Loss of the Love of My Life my Beloved Mike

by Barbara
(Fayetteville, NC)

We met when I was 9 yrs old in a park and he was 13. I joked around and said I was going to marry him.

Well I did just that and we had 40 yrs together. He got sick in 2005. We did everything to find out what was wrong. He had a lot of ailments. We always said that there was something really wrong, but all the doctors kept finding just little things. But he just could never get better.

In June of 2009, he started getting really sick; lost 61 lbs in 6 wks, we knew but I never thought it would end this way.

I have a lot of guilt as I left him alone that day for just an hour, our granddaughter was there as she always was, but he just fell again like he has for 4 1/2 yrs, so tell me what happened.. He was taken to the ER on 10/1 and they kept saying he was alright, then the next day he slipped into unconciousness and never came out of it on the 6th, they transferred him to hospice and then on the 11th he was gone from me for good.

I really don't understand all this pain and emptiness, brokenness, as we knew it could happen, but I can seem to get this out, I have to be strong for the kids and grandkids that we were raising, and all the other family and friends, oh don't get me wrong, I cry but I am so afraid to just let it go as I may not make it back to reality.

My hardest times seem to be in mornings and when I am alone at nite after all have gone to bed. He was my everything, my laughter, my heart, my soulmate.

I know am feeling like I should try and find out the real reasons he passed, but I know nothing will bring him back. So why go after anyone? Others say I should.. but Mike would not have wanted that. So I just hold on the guilt that I didn't and still am not doing enough.

I miss our mornings, I miss who would always listen to my day at days end. He just always made everything alright. I miss him so much. Sometimes it feels like it was so long ago, then my heart reminds me it was just 8 weeks ago, and then I am sitting here crying and hurting so bad.

Today is the first and only day I called out from work since it happened. I just want him to comfort me and give some of his guidence like he always did. I can't believe that I am having such a hard time adjusting and coping with this. I am always the strong one and the ones who walks through everything, but I can't walk through this one, I am so scared....

I never thought I couldn't do this, after I promised him I would be ok and that it was ok for him to let go. I promised I would carry on with raising the grandkids but I hurt so bad, I promised him I would be ok , and I hate myself for not being ok...

Comments for Loss of the Love of My Life my Beloved Mike

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Nov 19, 2012
by: Barbara Noel

Well its now been 3 years an I am really feeling like it was yesterday for some eason..
The pain an hurt is so raw, its choking me its hurts so deep.. I have moments but this is unexplainable..

I hate being like this, an he would hate it too.. But for the 1st time I keep asking my self why an what really happened.. Why now am I feeling like I failed an need to kno??

Jus miss him an want answers that there are none to..

I am so lost right an hurtin so bad.. I know get over it an move on , but I jus cant seem to



Feb 27, 2012
How do you get out of this rut
by: Barbara

Well here it is 28 months later and I am in this space of wanting and needing something different but not knowing what it is I need or want.. Still in a tremendous amount of pain and emptiness it just never goes away Feel so bro

Jan 15, 2010
Thank You Both
by: Anonymous

Thank You both for writing what I am unable to get out or explain. This feeling that over takes me making it hard to breath, heavy chest. A physical and mental anguish I didn't think any human could feel for another. I have heard the term Keening--- the sound of grief. Until now I had never heard it uttered. But it comes from myself.

I Hope that both of you can see the beautiful day that lies before you eventually. It's hard to see anything but pain initially. One day I hope to recall with fond memories the man I loved and was lucky that he loved me back HH

Dec 02, 2009
Thank You Lynne
by: Barbara

Thank you so much..
I just never dreamed it would be this hard for me to cope.

I really heard what you said and it makes sense, but how do you get to that space to just let go?
I made myself get up and leave the house and go to work today...

I just force myself to do it, as I know my past addictions are just around the corner if I let go that is my biggest fear, you see with being in recovery from smack and cocaine, I have such a fear of losing my sobriety that I have to fight the letting go. I do understand that I will have to eventually..

I am sorry for your loss also, sounds like we are having ours 1st together this holiday, I will surely keep in my thoughts and prayers and you in my heart. I hope you are doing well

And again a very sincere Thanks. And thank you for sharing your pain with me. I wish you the best, and I will talk with you again I so hope, Barb

Dec 01, 2009
You Are Worthwhile
by: Lynne

Oh Barbara, your pain is so raw and all the emotions you are feeling feel so confusing and hard to bear. I believe it is good to follow your heart and do what is right for you. It is so hard when you have Grandchildren to care for, but you do need to let go. You will be afraid you won't ever get back to where you were, but you will.

I lost my Precious Husband 4 1/2 months ago and like you, I nursed him for 2 years. He was my soulmate, and I thought I was so prepared for the time when he had to go. I had written his Eulogy, even written the notices for the paper months before he went. Everything was in place because I didn't want to do it after he went.

Well the strong, capable, organised woman I have always been left when he died, and I find myself in a situation where I lack confidence, cry off and on all day; everything is so hard, even the simplest tasks seem momentous now. Getting out of bed in the mornings is even a task.

Allow yourself to let go. It certainly does help to ease that terrible pain in your chest, throat etc, as if you can't breathe. I stamped and screamed and just couldn't believe the noises I made when I first let go. It was exhausting, but afterwards I did feel a relief. I still let go often, but it is never ever as incredibly explosive as the first time. It is actually like a volcano erupting and all the pressure you feel inside just blows out.

Everyone is different in the way they experience their grief. This website is awesome and has been an immense help to me. I printed the stages of grief out and other stuff, and when I feel like I am totally losing the plot, I go back to the printed stuff and realise that what is happening is OK.

I wish you well Barbara, just take one moment at a time, and know whatever you are feeling is right for you, even though you feel it isn't.

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