Loss of the Love of My Life my Beloved Mike
We met when I was 9 yrs old in a park and he was 13. I joked around and said I was going to marry him.
Well I did just that and we had 40 yrs together. He got sick in 2005. We did everything to find out what was wrong. He had a lot of ailments. We always said that there was something really wrong, but all the doctors kept finding just little things. But he just could never get better.
In June of 2009, he started getting really sick; lost 61 lbs in 6 wks, we knew but I never thought it would end this way.
I have a lot of guilt as I left him alone that day for just an hour, our granddaughter was there as she always was, but he just fell again like he has for 4 1/2 yrs, so tell me what happened.. He was taken to the ER on 10/1 and they kept saying he was alright, then the next day he slipped into unconciousness and never came out of it on the 6th, they transferred him to hospice and then on the 11th he was gone from me for good.
I really don't understand all this pain and emptiness, brokenness, as we knew it could happen, but I can seem to get this out, I have to be strong for the kids and grandkids that we were raising, and all the other family and friends, oh don't get me wrong, I cry but I am so afraid to just let it go as I may not make it back to reality.
My hardest times seem to be in mornings and when I am alone at nite after all have gone to bed. He was my everything, my laughter, my heart, my soulmate.
I know am feeling like I should try and find out the real reasons he passed, but I know nothing will bring him back. So why go after anyone? Others say I should.. but Mike would not have wanted that. So I just hold on the guilt that I didn't and still am not doing enough.
I miss our mornings, I miss who would always listen to my day at days end. He just always made everything alright. I miss him so much. Sometimes it feels like it was so long ago, then my heart reminds me it was just 8 weeks ago, and then I am sitting here crying and hurting so bad.
Today is the first and only day I called out from work since it happened. I just want him to comfort me and give some of his guidence like he always did. I can't believe that I am having such a hard time adjusting and coping with this. I am always the strong one and the ones who walks through everything, but I can't walk through this one, I am so scared....
I never thought I couldn't do this, after I promised him I would be ok and that it was ok for him to let go. I promised I would carry on with raising the grandkids but I hurt so bad, I promised him I would be ok , and I hate myself for not being ok...