loss of three family members all in 14 months,close to all three.

by christine
(mpls,mn)

I have recently been putting my life back together. I lost my brother, and mother within six months of each other,eight months after my mom passed away, I decided I needed to see my father, I found out he was sick, very sick and within six weeks he also passed away. My life seemed to be over at this point,I couldn't handle grieving anymore. I shut down shut out everyone around me. I went to work, ( only because I worked in a memory care unit) and there they needed me, and I took care of my mom and watched her get sicker and then pass away, so the nursing home was my only escape and I had to function daily. As soon as I got home I went to my room and only did what I had to. Nothing more, I was a shell, withdrawn, empty,how could God take away my brother, then my mother,and as soon as I ran to my daddy, he was gone too. I even got mad and yelled at my brother why did you leave me alone to care for mom. Then I yelled at my mom why did you leave me you were my best friend, I miss you so much,but also I was happy because my brother wasn't alone and neither one was suffering anymore. Well when my dad passed away I was numb no feelings, Just going through motions, I lost ones I loved and I know my family thought I must be crazy. Exactly one year after my father passed away I looked up at the sky and said dad please forgive me. I haven't been able to grieve for you, but it has been one year since I lost you and two years since the grieving started I need to live again. Dad I love you and miss you ,and I have to live again, please forgive me?!
That day I decided to move, start school and change as much of my life as I could. I still miss my family so much,and sometimes I cry, I miss my mother the most in September it will be five years and the holidays are hard but her birthday is the hardest because on my birthday and hers we always made that are time our weekend for years.The pain lessens and we can feel again, but it never seems to go away for long. But I need to remember that they each were very sick and I was there and I knew their pain so I know in my heart they are whole again.

Comments for loss of three family members all in 14 months,close to all three.

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Jan 03, 2014
Me Too
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous,
You are expressing a lot of how I felt and many others on this site have expressed during grief. I had a crisis of Faith. This is normal and should return without you even trying to get your faith back. With you having been a carer most of your life and never given time for yourself you will be going through another crisis much like I felt. Even though I was married 44yrs. before I lost my husband to cancer 20 months ago. It still amounts to dedicating one's life to a family and being a carer. When my husband died I felt my crisis "What do I do with ME?" after many months of grief I then discovered I had FREEDOM to CHOOSE to do anything I wanted each day and with my life. At first it was a very daunting experience. But daily I began to change and realized that MY FREEDOM was MY GIFT. My thinking has now changed. I see my freedom as a challenge and excitement that the world is my oyster. I can do anything. Even if it be nothing for some time till I get my motivation back is still freedom. You are not being punished by the losses in your life. I started feeling like you do. Every now and then the thought comes back but I don't entertain it lest it leads me down another path of self pity that I can't break free from. In time you will get your life back and life will get better.

Jan 02, 2014
Me Too
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous. I feel your pain. You have lost so many people in your life and getting knocked down and getting up and coping only to be knocked down again is the worst experience one can go through. It makes one feel "Is it worth getting up." I nursed my husband for over 3yrs. with cancer and watched him die slowly in pain. I prayed for a miracle of healing and really believed in this. I then saw my husband draw his last breath and I was angry for months with God. I didn't want to be angry with a God I knew or thought I knew. I then began to accept my anger as a normal part of my grief. I had a brother-in-law survive an aneurysm that burst and minutes away from death and yet I lost my husband and couldn't make sense of it. I didn't challenge God about who He takes when and why? I got tired of questioning and feeling the unfairness of it all. I couldn't figure out God if I tried. He knows what I don't know. But I still feel unhappy about living alone and without him. God created Life and He took my husband from me so I guess He has a responsibility to Comfort me and help me through my grief otherwise without this Hope it wouldn't be worth going on. I live one day at a time. I hope you find comfort and Peace in life to make it worth going on each day. Hang in there and don't give up Hope! Hope is all we have to cling on to.

Jan 01, 2014
loss of three family members in 14 mos.
by: silver-north alabama

Dear Christine,I so relate with you. Between Dec 4,2009 and May 29,2011..just shy of 18 months,: my father,mother,friend of 28 yrs and my husband died.I hardly got over the shock of my fathers death when my friend died.I hadn't even had time to totally realize her death when my mom died.I had just begun to grieve her when my husband of 33 yrs died.I went into shock.I tried to shut out the world.I didn't go anywhere unless I had to.I slept more than I was awake.I hardly ever dressed.I didn't eat right,mostly junk that I didn't have to cook.The only time I ate a real meal was when my son cooked.This lasted for about 3 months.When I woke up to the world I felt strongly compelled to go back to church.This helped me so much.I found this site at about the same time quite by accident.The people here helped me as much as going to a counselor would have...It's been 2 1/2 yrs since my husbands death.This past set of holidays seemed to be worse.I guess I had finally reached the point when the grief for my husband eased enough that I grieved for my mom and dad.It's a new year and I finally feel as if I will begin to find the world again.It will be slow going I know but I firmly plan to begin to live again.This is what I hope for you.GOD send you strength to go on and peace.I keep you in my prayers.

Dec 30, 2013
Loss of three family members
by: Anne Marie Diom

I know how you feel. Last April - 2012 I lost my mother-in-law, then my sister exactly a month later. This year I lost my cousin Jimmy in April, my Uncle Ed ( my mother's last sibling) and then came home to find my youngest daughter dead at age 38 in my family room in September. Kate was the worst loss because she was my daughter. I cry every day and just getting through the holidays was really rough. She left a now 15 year old daughter which we are trying to cope with. I have read every book on grieving and yet I still feel so crazy some days. I go to counseling and that helps a little but I am so mad at Kate for overdosing and so is her daughter, It was ruled accidental but that is small comfort, I will be going to a new meeting on January 13th at the Compassionate Friends just so I don't feel so alone. My daughter (who was bipolar) never meant to do this but is is what it is. I do not want to in this club but I am. The holidays were really hard but we got through them, very tearfully at some moments. I pray to God every day that no one ever has to go through this. and I pray for peace and understanding.

Dec 30, 2013
me too
by: Anonymous

All I can say is I don't remember what being happy even means...........so many looses in so few years have left me feeling empty, exhausted, very mad. I have been challenged beyond words.....I can't handle people saying what does not kill you makes you stronger....that is just untrue because in my case I should have been dead.....first my father, next my cousin who was like a sister to me next my mother and now my aunt who I cared for the last two years after my mother's death and was truly a second mother to me......In just a few years they are all gone.....I have been a caregiver for most of my adult life that I can't find where I fit into this world. Most people would not even believe me but at 48 never married no kids last month was the very first time in my entire life that I slept in a house by myself.................... I made these deals with God and told him if you took my mother father and cousin with horrible deaths of having cancer he would not also take my aunt and truly leave me alone....well he strikes again and took my beautiful precious aunt on Nov 11, 2013......She went from being totally fine on a Sunday morning to being gone Monday morning at 7 a.m. Yes she was 93 but a very healthy 93......I keep asking why me???? Why my family? I am or thought i was a good person my family were hard working people who never harmed anyone....am I being punished for something....why did they all except for my aunt who died peacefully have to die with such horrible painful deaths and I could do nothing to help them....the guilt I feel about everything it is killing me.....Why did I not notice earlier how sick wach one was......why why why.....My poor mother dieing 11 days after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer...I never left the hospital holding her hand the entire time....she fought so hard to live not wanting to leave me....my strong vibrant father dieing of cancer being so brave not wanting to show my mother or I how sick he really was....my cousin only 54 we taught at the same school we were so close...died 11 days after being diagnosed with colan cancer.....my aunt 10 hours after being admitted to the hospital with a bladder infection...i was with all of them when they died and kept pleading to God please dont take them too....I was so faith filled now I dont think i even believe in anything....people say how are you I say great...most people don't care nor do they understand this horrific pain and unending grief......I go to work each day and could win an academy performance each day because know one would know from my actions how horrible i feel...yes I am on anti-anxiety drugs and antidepressants.....do they work? I don't know because I have had loss after loss i don't even know what being happy looks like or feels like......

Dec 30, 2013
Sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

I am sorry that you had to got through so much. I feel that you are a strong person to come out the other side.Life must seem so unfair to you and I hope you find happiness in time? I wish you all the best, you deserve it.

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