lost after losing a child
I am new to this so please bare with me. 17 years ago I lost a child to SIDS and have never been the same since. I was 17 when I had her and it still feels like I lost her yesterday. Here is the most difficult part for me to deal with, being a young mother in my family was absolutely forbidden so a lot of shame came with her arrival. For most of her young life (3 mos.) I prayed God would take her so when he did come for her I was devastated. I live with a lot of guilt, shame, and pain daily from losing her. I live with the guilt of not wanting her, I live with the shame of not being able to say out loud "I had a child when I was only 17," and I live with the pain in my heart that comes with losing a child when I was really just a child myself. This part of my life was very confusing to me and I was not allowed to grieve her as my own. Most of my family treated her death as though she was my parents child not mine. The one part I can feel good about is a week before she died I had finally been able to say Screw what others thought and admit to myself that yes I was a mother. I was going to be proud that she was mine. I was ready to stand up and say yes she is mine and I love her!!! Then she was gone....
My question to anyone is how do I let go of all this guilt and shame I carry around? How do I let the pain go? Will I ever feel normal? I feel like I have dealt with her passing and I feel I am ready to release myself of all the guilt and shame but I just dont know how to go about it? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.