lost after losing a child


I am new to this so please bare with me. 17 years ago I lost a child to SIDS and have never been the same since. I was 17 when I had her and it still feels like I lost her yesterday. Here is the most difficult part for me to deal with, being a young mother in my family was absolutely forbidden so a lot of shame came with her arrival. For most of her young life (3 mos.) I prayed God would take her so when he did come for her I was devastated. I live with a lot of guilt, shame, and pain daily from losing her. I live with the guilt of not wanting her, I live with the shame of not being able to say out loud "I had a child when I was only 17," and I live with the pain in my heart that comes with losing a child when I was really just a child myself. This part of my life was very confusing to me and I was not allowed to grieve her as my own. Most of my family treated her death as though she was my parents child not mine. The one part I can feel good about is a week before she died I had finally been able to say Screw what others thought and admit to myself that yes I was a mother. I was going to be proud that she was mine. I was ready to stand up and say yes she is mine and I love her!!! Then she was gone....

My question to anyone is how do I let go of all this guilt and shame I carry around? How do I let the pain go? Will I ever feel normal? I feel like I have dealt with her passing and I feel I am ready to release myself of all the guilt and shame but I just dont know how to go about it? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Comments for lost after losing a child

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Nov 19, 2011
by: Anonymous

Hi comment #2,

it really gives me comfort (not in a bad way) to know another mom had the same thoughts that i had about our children. And forgive me if that comes out wrong. You are absolutely correct when you said we knew God would do a better job at caring for our children. I am so sorry for the loss of your so, and as you know i know exactly what you went through. i will also pray for the both of us as well. NOBODY should have to experience the loss of a child....it's just not natural. And you are right in saying we had no control over childrens deaths, it was up to our creator. God bless you and Lou for the encouraging words of support!

Nov 17, 2011
thank you, thank you, thank you!!
by: Anonymous

Hi Lou,

I want to thank for your kind words with the deepest sincerity. it means the world to me to hear another human being tell or remind me that I am human. I would like to express my deep appreciation for the thought and the time you took out of your life for me. I am a native american born and raised in Wisconsin. It always amazes me to find such kindness from another human being. You have helped me more than you will than you will ever know. Your comments made me feel so serene and at the same time I had tears streaming down my cheeks. Your words were not wasted and i will probably read your post on the bad days over and over again!! Sincerely


p.s. i wanted you to know I have made the decision to finally go to her grave and really say good bye, the way I should have been allowed to 17 years ago.

Nov 17, 2011
by: Anonymous

Just like Lou, I am moved by your story. I also lost a child and I also asked God to take him before he actually did.

Here is how I am working it out in my head. The situation was overwhelming to me and I was emotionally drained. I think that we asked God to take them because we knew that God would take very good care of them when we knew we could not. As far as I am concerned my son is in the best care he could possibly be, with God. I wish I could have done more, it just was not to be. Not from being bad or neglectful, but because the situation was bigger than me. I think the same is true for you. We have to forgive ourselves and tell ourselves we did the best we could.

It is important for you to grieve the baby's death. You may need help with that with Grief Counseling, I encourage you to do that.

I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you in your Healing Journey.

Nov 16, 2011
You are a human being
by: Anonymous

Hello my name is Lou and I live in St. Louis Missouri. I was moved by your post, and I would like respectfully respond. I am not an expert, so my opinion is just that of one person. When I hear you speak, every thing that you say sounds right, and makes perfect sense to me. I believe that you are feeling the feelings that you describe because you are a human being. I would expect that anyone who experienced losing a young child would have similar cycles of emotions. I think I'm hearing you say that part of your guilt comes out of you wishing your child gone. I want to say that I believe that those feelings are normal within the context of your situation for alot of reasons. I also want to say that personally I cannot accept that those feelings had anything to do with your childs' death. I read that your family does not easily accept your having been so young as a mother. The emotional desire for for love and physical affection, and the biological instinct to reproduce are what makes the world go around. I'm quite sure that my parents were finished having kids, and that I was not planned. Yet, here I am, and I have as much reason to be here as anyone else. You were a young mother and your baby was yours. And I am glad of that, and I am happy for you, and proud of you. You have experienced tremendous loss, and I am sorry that you lost your child. I would also say that from your text, I believe you have the greatest gift of all: You have learned how to love another human being. And I know you love your baby. And I believe that what makes the gift of love so special is that if we have it, (and I don't believe that everyone does), we never run out of it, and we never run out of people to give it to. If I were to ask you for one thing, it would be to think about forgiving yourself and your guilt. Because I believe you did nothing wrong. You are a human being. -Lou

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