Lost and Adrift

by Anonymous
(Sacramento, CA)

In June, my mom told me she needed a heart transplant but that they don't give heart transplants to anyone over 30. My mom was 60. The doctors told her she had 3-5 years to live.

We cried and laughed for many hours. I cried for hours while driving to visit my boyfriend in the mountains. I thought of all the milestones and events my mom would miss in my life, but I was comforted by the thought that we still had some time left.

I wanted to find a way to help my mom deal with dying. She didn't want to die.

Just a few short months later she died in her sleep. Last week, to be exact.

I got the call at 8:30 a.m. at work. My boyfriend called me to tell me that my mom had passed away in the early morning hours that day. I screamed, "No! God no!"

That was last Monday. Her memorial service was on Thursday afternoon. All last week I kept thinking, I'm handling this better than I thought I would. The truth is, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it. It doesn't seem real.

My mom chose to be cremated. We did not get to see her or to say goodbye. It would have cost more money than we could afford to have her embalmed for a viewing. I wanted to see her no matter what, but everyone told me I didn't want to see her like that. I listened to them. Will I regret that for the rest of my life?

Last week I attended a dinner given for our family by my step-dad's brother at his house. A woman stood some distance away from me with her back turned to me. In the distant darkness, it looked like my mom. For a moment, I thought, My mom! And then I realized, it couldn't be her.

My mom happened to live 20 minutes from Laughlin. My family stayed in a hotel/casino because my mom's house wasn't big enough for our whole family. As we rode the escalators going to or coming back from a meal, I kept seeing older women who resembled my mom. Everytime I saw one, my heart would jump.

Unfortunately, life goes on. I went back to work yesterday after being off all last week. My co-workers had left a card for me. My boss gave a donation to the American Heart Association on my mother's behalf. That meant so much to me. I cried. My mom died of congestive heart failure.

I feel so tired. I wake up in the morning and I just want to sleep. All day I keep thinking, I just want to go home and go to sleep. I cried on the way home from work today.

I'm in a fog. I'm lost and adrift. I can't call my mom and talk to her. Whenever I have a problem or a fight with my boyfriend or a bad day, I can never call her again. She won't be there for my wedding. If I ever have children, she won't be there to share in the joy and pain with me. She wanted so badly for me to have children. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

My dad and boyfriend have been a great support. My mom's older sister told me she is adopting me, even though she already has 12 children of her own. I love my aunt! She was a great sister to my mom. She gave her money, clothes, visited her often, took care of her. I know she will be lost too.

I thought we would have more time.

I miss my mom.

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