lost and detached

by Nancy
(TX)

Hello, I lost my husband of 15 years on Jan. 10, 2014. He was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma in Nov. 2010. Treatments worked the first 2 yrs. 3rd year it started spreading. In and out of the hospital December & Jan. Into hospice on a Wed. Talking eating alert. Thursday declining he passed on Friday at the age of 39. I am 41 yrs old. We loved him dearly however the last years were a real struggle. We have 11 year old son, 15 yr old daughter & 20 yr old daughter. I am left alone trying to be the best mother to my kids at which I am failing. I am very detached it seems to everyone including my kids. Everyday is a struggle for me but I get up and do the best I can. I never wanted to do this lone. I miss him dearly. He has a birthday coming up Oct. 3rd. Will it ever get easier? Sincerely, Detached.

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Sep 28, 2014
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by: Jennie

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Sep 28, 2014
lost and detached
by: Doreen UK

Nancy I am sorry for your loss of your very young husband to this dreadful disease of Cancer. Even though it has been 9 months since you lost your husband this is too early for you to expect major changes in healing from your grief. Healing is a slow process. Do not let anyone dictate to you how you should feel, or when to move forward. Also don't let anyone insult you because you feel so lost and detached. This is normal to feel this way. You are trying to process your loss and be a mother to 3 children one of who is a young adult. You need understanding, support, and all the encouragement to help you move forward no matter how long this takes.
You need to start building yourself up by doing as many good things for yourself, like nurturing yourself. You can also see a grief counselor for support and get the same counselling support for your children to help you all in your own level of grief. It is not easy grappling with your feelings and emotions and being a mom. Putting some measures in place for all of you will help you as a family. You are still so very young and this is such a heavy burden to carry.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs.5 months ago. I nursed him 3yrs.39days before he died of an incurable, inoperable, aggressive cancer caused by working with Asbestos. A horrendous cancer journey. I could not function in any way for 6 months. I am fortunate my 3 Children are all Adults so I did not have heavy responsibilities. I could take the time to grieve and do nothing. I could only rise off the couch to put food in the oven for my daughter and me and then go back to the couch. Grief does assault the body and makes one feel weak and worn out. So you have to put some strategies in place for you so you can cope with all the responsibilities you have. I took one day at a time and still do as this is all I can do. You will eventually recover from your grief. But you need to process your life each day and don't do more than you can. Pace yourself with motherhood and what you have to do with your children and you will recharge your energy levels this way by not just carrying on being busy when your body is telling you something else.
Please write back with any updates or for further support.

Sep 27, 2014
Lost and Detached
by: Judith in California

Dear Nancy, it's only been 9 months for you. That's still early in the greiving process. I'm so sorry for your loss. Loosing a spouse is one of the worst experiences to ever have to do.
I noticed ever since my husband passed I am detached too. It's a defense mechanism. It has been 4 years for me and I think this feeling is normal becasue we know if we becaome attached there is a possibility we could loose them or them loose us. We just try to prevent anymore heartbreak. Deep down we want to be close but the thought of loosing someone else we love is too much so we Keep our distance. I think in time this will change becasue we need others and that is the risk we take when letting others into our lives.

You say you are failing miserably with your children. Have they told you that? OR are they acting out because of thier loss too.

I pray for peace for you and strength to endure.



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