Lost and missing him so much!

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Lost and missing him so much!

I lost my son not quite 2 months ago. In my life, I have been forced to deal with loss, but this loss is just absolutely paralyzing. When I received the phone call, I thought it was a cruel joke. I screamed at the voice at the other end. I couldn't understand why they would say such a thing. And in a way, I still can't believe it. It is just not supposed to happen this way. I try so hard not to ask "why?" I just want so very much to touch him.

He was 32 years old, an adult, but he was my baby. He went to sleep one night and just didn't wake up. An autopsy was performed. The results are not back and I am leaning towards not wanting to know. It won't bring him back and I am afraid of what I might hear.

He had a larger then life personality. He loved life, and loved to make people smile and laugh. He had a lot of friends, which was evident at his memorial. There are tribute camping trips being planned in his honor, a party for his next birthday is being planned, and a tattoo being designed for those that want it.

There are so many people that don't want to forget him. Which is so touching and heart warming, but it doesn't bring him back. Which is what I want so desperately.

I think I know deep in my heart that he is gone due to a drug overdose. He had his struggles over the years and he was honest with me about them. I even spent one Christmas with him years ago at a rehab he was in. He would do good for awhile but then the demon would come back.

Despite all of that, I still love him with every once of my being. That didn't change. That will never change. He was my son. He is my son and I love him and always will.

Coping is so hard. Sometimes people talk to me and I can't even tell you what they said 2 minutes later. It is as though I am in a bubble. I have some projects started in his honor and sometimes I find great comfort in working on them and other times I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out.

The easiest thing to do would be to go to bed and stay there. I don't care about food, how I look, what needs to be done. I really don't. But I make myself get up. I go through the motions. I get dressed, I go to work. I act like I am interested in what people are talking about. I fake my way through the day. I cry all the way home. I do just what needs to be done and I attempt to get some sleep. Sleep isn't restful. I am exhausted all the time.

The one and only thing that seems to bring me comfort is talking about him, even if I am sobbing. But most people shy away from doing that. And that makes me sad.

I have other adult children which I love dearly. I am trying very hard to keep my composure around them. It must be a mom thing. Be strong for the kids, adult or not, they will need your shoulder to lean on.

I just don't know how to do this. No one really does. It is the hardest, most heart breaking thing I have ever gone through.

My son's candle burned so bright
He is a bright star that shines at night
He is the flowers that bloom
He is in a quiet room
He is in the birds that sing
He is in each lovely thing
I will not stand at his grave and cry
I have to believe he is not there..He did not die
He is in my heart
and from there he will never ever part

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Lost and missing him so much!

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Another heart-broken Mom
by: w

To Grievng Mom,

We are in exactly the same spot. Our 32 year old son had also fought drugs for most of his life. He was on his way to good health and a good life, when he returned to our hometown, without contacting anyone, left his wife and 2 year old son at home, and was found dead the next day of a drug overdose. His "friend" who was with him was a well-known drug addict. We had thought they hadn't seen each other in years.

He had just finished his first semester of college and was almost a 4.00 student. He had just started a new job and was excited about his future.

I am heartbroken and angry. How could he do this to his children? I cry in the car driving home from work, I cry at home all the time and I scream at him in my head. How could he have been so selfish, leaving his children with questionable futures?

When his two children are old enough to understand what happened, they will hate him. The legacy he has left them is that of a drug addict who cared only for the high. I am so angry at him and I miss him so much. He loved his children and I know he didn't expect to die, but he also knew that was always a chance when he used drugs.

He had spoken to me 3 days before his death and told me how relieved he had felt at the NA meetings and how this was going to be his "healthiest year ever!" He was kind and a good person. He stopped to help people he didn't know when he saw them needing help.

I have had no sense of his being near us. He is just gone and I miss him so much.

w, also a grieving Mom

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Submitted by: w

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To Grievng Mom, We are in exactly the same spot. Our 32 year old son had also fought drugs for most of his life. He was on his way to good health and a good life, when he returned to our hometown, without contacting anyone, left his wife and 2 year old son at home, and was found dead the next day of a drug overdose. His "friend" who was with him was a well-known drug addict. We had thought they hadn't seen each other in years. He had just finished his first semester of college and was almost a 4.00 student. He had just started a new job and was excited about his future. I am heartbroken and angry. How could he do this to his children? I cry in the car driving home from work, I cry at home all the time and I scream at him in my head. How could he have been so selfish, leaving his children with questionable futures? When his two children are old enough to understand what happened, they will hate him. The legacy he has left them is that of a drug addict who cared only for the high. I am so angry at him and I miss him so much. He loved his children and I know he didn't expect to die, but he also knew that was always a chance when he used drugs. He had spoken to me 3 days before his death and told me how relieved he had felt at the NA meetings and how this was going to be his "healthiest year ever!" He was kind and a good person. He stopped to help people he didn't know when he saw them needing help. I have had no sense of his being near us. He is just gone and I miss him so much. w, also a grieving Mom

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I lost my son, too. How do I deal with the hurt?
by: Mary

I know what you all are going thru. My son John passed away 5 weeks today at 33 yrs. old. He was my baby boy. He had gone thru a divorce and has 2 beautiful children 9 and 10 yrs old. His life was troubled and he turned to drugs and alcohol. I worried about him day and night in fear something may happen to him.

I got the call on 12/19 from my ex-husband. He was crying and said our son was dead. I screamed and couldn't believe he was gone.I am having a very hard time with him not being here. I have a cleaning business and have to go thru the motions everyday too. Sometimes I find myself in a daze while driving.

I would like to talk with the ones in my situation, through this forum (email address deleted to deter spambots).

When I lost my mom then my dad to cancer I found comfort and support from others going thru the same or similar thing.

I hope you all find a way to deal. I hope I can too.
Take care,
Mary

Feeling the same !
by: Molly

I am equally in pain! I lost my son 9 weeks ago. It was the exact same situation. It is killing me. I have 5 other children I must cope for. I feel like a loony sometimes, I forget who I spoke with, what they said etc. My house is a wreck, the food is a huge chore to supply for all. Yuck!

Now I am having these awful feelings of overwhelming grief. As if I really have not understood or accepted the fact he will never come to me or call or hug me again. They take me over and make me weak. I sit here today crying all day, yet yesterday no tears. I am so sorry for your loss, I truly feel your pain. Sending you love. M

I lost my oldest son at 30 years of age
by: Gracie

Dear Grieving Mom,

Thank you for sharing your story. Your wounds are so fresh and it takes courage to be able to think enough to write and share with others. I have learned, also through writing, that God has helped me release the pain over the last two years. My son died by suicide 4 years ago. I didn't think I could take another breath and certainly, didn't think I could live another day, but God kept me going one day at a time and I am praising His name. He has had me speak in front of a group of women at a Christian Women's Retreat. I am amazed and awed by what He can accomplish through those who have to endure tragedy. Somehow, I learned a lot through my experience; I will feel my son's loss and ache for him every day of my life, but it no longer consumes me. I live with hope and I praise God for that. You can too! God knows your pain and He is comforting you in ways you may not even be aware of. Just lean on Him and trust Him to see you through and He will. Some say you will eventually get past this, but I say that I will never get beyond it, but the intensity of pain will decrease over time with bouts of highs and lows. I had to accept that this is part of my life and that I would not let it control me. God is in control and I trust Him to see you and me through.

I would gently urge you to get all the paperwork that is available - all tests, autopsy report, etc. Whether or not you choose to look at it ever is up to you. But it can be in a strong box and it is yours. It was his and now it is yours. My husband wanted to read every word; I glanced at the report. I, on the other hand, wished I had pushed to get everything the police took, but those things are disposed of quickly. We weren't offered. We had to somehow know what and who to ask.

My dear friend, keep looking up and taking one step at a time. You have those on this website who have lost and care deeply. I have written a great deal and I am willing to share my journal with you. It is about suicide, but it is also for anyone struggling with tragedy. If you are interested, please email me at
In His Grip,
Gracie

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Submitted by: Gracie

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Dear Grieving Mom, Thank you for sharing your story. Your wounds are so fresh and it takes courage to be able to think enough to write and share with others. I have learned, also through writing, that God has helped me release the pain over the last two years. My son died by suicide 4 years ago. I didn't think I could take another breath and certainly, didn't think I could live another day, but God kept me going one day at a time and I am praising His name. He has had me speak in front of a group of women at a Christian Women's Retreat. I am amazed and awed by what He can accomplish through those who have to endure tragedy. Somehow, I learned a lot through my experience; I will feel my son's loss and ache for him every day of my life, but it no longer consumes me. I live with hope and I praise God for that. You can too! God knows your pain and He is comforting you in ways you may not even be aware of. Just lean on Him and trust Him to see you through and He will. Some say you will eventually get past this, but I say that I will never get beyond it, but the intensity of pain will decrease over time with bouts of highs and lows. I had to accept that this is part of my life and that I would not let it control me. God is in control and I trust Him to see you and me through. I would gently urge you to get all the paperwork that is available - all tests, autopsy report, etc. Whether or not you choose to look at it ever is up to you. But it can be in a strong box and it is yours. It was his and now it is yours. My husband wanted to read every word; I glanced at the report. I, on the other hand, wished I had pushed to get everything the police took, but those things are disposed of quickly. We weren't offered. We had to somehow know what and who to ask. My dear friend, keep looking up and taking one step at a time. You have those on this website who have lost and care deeply. I have written a great deal and I am willing to share my journal with you. It is about suicide, but it is also for anyone struggling with tragedy. If you are interested, please email me at <impossiblejoy@yahoo.com and I will send you a copy. In His Grip, Gracie

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I understand your pain and loss
by: gert.cardinal

Hello, I want you to know you are not alone in this loss of a child. You see, I lost my youngest son as a result of homicide on January 16/2008. There is no way to describe the pain and grief, even now it's still so much like a bad dream. I want to wake up and find my son. He loved to laugh, he lived to love and he loved life and his family so much.

We are still dealing with the court system and the young man who did it has not been sentenced yet. I totally understand not wanting to get out of bed, not eating, not sleeping, not dealing with anything in this life; but I know I have to. I have one son left, he needs his momma, we don't see each other very much, but I'm still here for him. I get through each day clinging to my son's memory and know someday we'll be together again. God be with you and bless you and your family

I can feel your pain
by: Patti Wendt

I am so so sorry for your loss. I can understand some of your pain, we lost my nephew at the end of August of 2008, he was like a son to me. I helped my sister who was a single mother raise him from the age of 5 until he died at age 22, one week from his 23rd birthday. I know what you mean by wanting to talk about him. If you would like to read his story, here is the link.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/louis-louie-voigt-22-years-old.html

If you need someone to talk with, you can email me, pattiwendt@airrun.net, or even talk with my sister, she also is still grieving hard and needs someone to talk with too. Let me know if you would like to talk. I will be praying for some sort of comfort for you and your family.

Patti

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Lost and missing him so much!

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Lost and missing him so much!