Lost and missing him so much!
I lost my son not quite 2 months ago. In my life, I have been forced to deal with loss, but this loss is just absolutely paralyzing. When I received the phone call, I thought it was a cruel joke. I screamed at the voice at the other end. I couldn't understand why they would say such a thing. And in a way, I still can't believe it. It is just not supposed to happen this way. I try so hard not to ask "why?" I just want so very much to touch him.
He was 32 years old, an adult, but he was my baby. He went to sleep one night and just didn't wake up. An autopsy was performed. The results are not back and I am leaning towards not wanting to know. It won't bring him back and I am afraid of what I might hear.
He had a larger then life personality. He loved life, and loved to make people smile and laugh. He had a lot of friends, which was evident at his memorial. There are tribute camping trips being planned in his honor, a party for his next birthday is being planned, and a tattoo being designed for those that want it.
There are so many people that don't want to forget him. Which is so touching and heart warming, but it doesn't bring him back. Which is what I want so desperately.
I think I know deep in my heart that he is gone due to a drug overdose. He had his struggles over the years and he was honest with me about them. I even spent one Christmas with him years ago at a rehab he was in. He would do good for awhile but then the demon would come back.
Despite all of that, I still love him with every once of my being. That didn't change. That will never change. He was my son. He is my son and I love him and always will.
Coping is so hard. Sometimes people talk to me and I can't even tell you what they said 2 minutes later. It is as though I am in a bubble. I have some projects started in his honor and sometimes I find great comfort in working on them and other times I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out.
The easiest thing to do would be to go to bed and stay there. I don't care about food, how I look, what needs to be done. I really don't. But I make myself get up. I go through the motions. I get dressed, I go to work. I act like I am interested in what people are talking about. I fake my way through the day. I cry all the way home. I do just what needs to be done and I attempt to get some sleep. Sleep isn't restful. I am exhausted all the time.
The one and only thing that seems to bring me comfort is talking about him, even if I am sobbing. But most people shy away from doing that. And that makes me sad.
I have other adult children which I love dearly. I am trying very hard to keep my composure around them. It must be a mom thing. Be strong for the kids, adult or not, they will need your shoulder to lean on.
I just don't know how to do this. No one really does. It is the hardest, most heart breaking thing I have ever gone through.
My son's candle burned so bright
He is a bright star that shines at night
He is the flowers that bloom
He is in a quiet room
He is in the birds that sing
He is in each lovely thing
I will not stand at his grave and cry
I have to believe he is not there..He did not die
He is in my heart
and from there he will never ever part