Lost at Sea

by Michael

Alhzeimers is the cruelest form of death one could ever imagine, and though I'd seen it take my grandmother, my family and I knew not that it would take mom as well.

I am the youngest of five siblings. My mom and dad divorced when I was five, my only brother was nine years my senior and we were not close, nor were any of my sisters. I seemed to have been just another mouth to feed and the one who took the emotional abuse from an angry mother who once a week told me how 'bad us kids were' or that maybe we'd come home and find her gone too if we didn't start behaving. Whether she meant it or not, I internalized every attack as being my fault; buying into all the lies, building a shell so thick around my heart and mind that when I did do something wrong, her physical blows only hurt for awhile but meant nothing in terms of the way she told me she did it for my own good.

I could never figure out why mom got away with all the lies she told, yet beat the hell out of me whenever I did it. I can only hope there is a considerate ear and educated mind reading this cause I have never been able to put this into words as to everything that was done to me by my mother. If grief is what it is to be called then perhaps getting it out rather than trying every other self-destructive habit, will help break the final chain link that seems to not want to let me go, no matter what I have tried, I just seem to not be unable to reach into my head and get rid of the memories. I don't remember too many 'good' ones, but a don't want to keep the 'bad ones' either.

I am a 48 year old male who should have what other 48 year old males have, a family, wife, grown kids. I have none of this, I have so much to offer others yet find myself isolated and often times afraid to open this door. So I live in a somewhat state between reality and denial. It sucks. I have tried recovery in other forms, and am clean from street drugs and alcohol. I believe in God the Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit, yet nothing keeps these 'guilt' voices out of my head.

We weren't raised in love and family, nor taught to love and trust, but to survive. Without the ability to love and trust, what's the point of surviving. It is lonely out on this sea. Prayer helps yet one has to work it for it to work and alone is bad company when dealing with issues such as these. I deserve peace and freedom from my mother's passing, not a continued prison sentence.

Comments for Lost at Sea

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Apr 15, 2011
Finding yourself...

What the past holds against us we can not bring into the future. You have suffered enough and take the knowledge of what happened to you and go the complete opposite. Be what you wished you had from your mother. I had a verbally abusive husband the first go round. A total control freak, When I decided not to let him control my life all hell broke loose. And I would not have it any other way. I broke loose from under his thumb and I hope that you can take your hurtful past and turn it into what you so deserve.

It will take a conscious effort on your part not to repeat the past and bring it into your relationships. Do things that bring you self confidence and share a smile a nicity with others.

You will see that even if you have to fake self confidence at first being friendly to others brings the gift of smiles and that is what you need. Do not waste time with the past it will only hold you back from a future of happiness.

Apr 12, 2011
A Pirate
by: Zoe

For better or for worse, what happens to us when we are young shapes who we are when we grow older. What you should do is not try to grasp onto memories you do not have, but look at the memories you do have and see what they have taught you. I think, if you look at them what you will see is with each action she showed you what you did NOT want to become. The kind of person you did not want to be; it defined absolutely how you did not want to be treated; and it showed you what you did not want to do, what you would not tolerate being done, to someone else..That is a good thing to take from a very bad situation. The things that happened will always be there, you have no choice. What you can do is choose not to let the mental illness of another define you. These were not YOUR problems these were HERS. Yes I know as your mother they are painful, but at some point you have to know she was a very sick woman, and you are the one who suffered her illness.
It does not sound like you are lost at sea. It sounds like you are a pirate, you are fighting your way through the weight of your memories, you have used different weapons, some good, some not so good. And while you say you have not come far, you writing shows something very different. Your writing show someone who has battled the storms and is now looking for strong calm seas. Stand on the bow of your ship grasp the sword of your faith and the courage of your convictions, you are not lost, it has just taken you a while to decide where to land.
One breath, one step, one day at a time

Apr 12, 2011
Finding your way back
by: Judith

you are a child of God and you must know that your mother had a lot of problems for which she should have sought help for. It wasn't your fault for the things she did. She, probably came from the same kind of dysfunctional family she provided for you. It sounds like she lashed out at you instead of her real tormentors in her life.

Try to forgive her knowing she had her demons and she would never have mistreated you if not for them.

Be proud for yourself for the things you have accomplished and done on your own and in finding your way to God for him to guide you.

Through forgiveness and God you will find your way back and to peace.

Apr 12, 2011
by: Anonymous

I believe no two people on this earth are the same
We all have different problems, feelings, habits,
and heartaches. You are a strong person to have survived as much as you have and you had the
courage to reach out for help here. We can't carry
baggage from the past for very long, because it will drag you down and steal your strength, making
it nearly impossible to go forward. Why not try to leave your bag of painful memories beside the path you're on and take one step at a time, and soon you'll be moving with a lighter heart. Help
others, less fortunate than yourself, if it's just a prayer, a smile, or a kind word. It may
just make a big difference in someone's life,
as well as your own. God bless you.

Apr 12, 2011
Life Can Be Cruel
by: Anonymous

I think one of the biggest mistakes parents make is criticizing and/or punishing their children for basically mimicking their behavior. How confusing and damaging to a young mind. You were just a little boy and you couldn't deal with all that was going on around you. Children always find a way to blame themselves for their parents divorcing. The threat that your mom would leave too if YOU didn't make her world a more comfortable place was very cruel.
I spent 25 years hating my mother-in-law and blaming her for some of my husband's bad habits and behavior. Now that they are both gone, how clearly I see things. My mother-in-law and your mother were two very disturbed women. My husband did the best he could to deal with his mother's alcoholism and schizophrenia (which wasn't really diagnosed until she had her stroke~I always had my suspicions). I remember him being so relieved that there was actually a reason for her horrendous behavior. He finally realized that the nasty things that happened in their lives wasn't his fault, just as it is not your fault. His mother was married 7 times. She used him as a pawn while dealing with the men in her life.
I grew up with two loving parents. My dad drank a little too much on the weekends and was mean after he drank. He and my mom argued about that but for the most part things were very good. I just thought everyone grew up in a family like mine. Dealing with my husband was difficult at times because he didn't grow up in a loving family. My mother-in-law actually told him things like, "I was so disappointed that you were a boy. I wanted a girl....Your birth ruined my life. I was no good to any man after I had you and that's why my marriages broke up." Her outrageous drunken behavior had nothing to do with it right? That's what he grew up with. Both of your situations are very sad.
He is now gone (December 3, 2010. His childhood was so unhappy. I was his second wife (just a kid of 19 when we met). I think God brought us together because I had the patience, energy, and love to deal with his hang ups. I don't regret one day of our 37 year marriage.
Hang in there. Keep trying. Talk to God and ask him to take control of your life. He will listen and lead you in the right direction~maybe the right person. You did nothing wrong as a child to deserve the abuse you endured. Those childhood wounds run deep. You may need many more years of therapy to make you understand that you are a beautiful person worthy of somebody loving you back.
Good luck, God bless. Peace.

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