Lost but still here ?

by Rob
(Annapolis, MD)

I was married in May of 2008, 3 1/2 months later I lost her. Your parents are 2 rocks to keep you steady through life. Losing 1 has put me seriously off balance. It's been almost 2 years and it feels like I lost her just yesterday. It hurts so much I feel I can't go on any further, I don't want to go on.

After looking at the steps of grief, it seems I have been stuck at #5, anger and blame. It's the doctor fault that has consumed me and I am determined to prove it was their fault. (The doctors that is). The pain comes and goes. Some days I want to just smash something, hit something...just do something to release the anger.

She went in to get her colostomy put back together. Somehow blood clots formed and spread and cut blood flow to her legs, and the toxin were building up and they couldn't do anything ...supposedly. I didn't get to say goodbye or nothing. It's not fair and I won't...can't let it go.

Comments for Lost but still here ?

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May 20, 2010
hard to go on
by: Anonymous

Last March my father went into the hosp. never to come home again. One night they told us he would be home after 5 days of PT and the next morning he was on life support. Till this day we don't know what happened. For the next 3 weeks infection after infection set in until he finally died of fungal sepsis.

We were all at his side when he went and I will never, in my life, forget the look on my mother's face when she watched her husband of 57yrs slip away. My mother fought and beat non-hodgkins lymphoma 7 yrs ago after the dr.s said she would last for 3 months. She kicked the cancer's butt, but she couldn't survive my Dad's death.

9 months later my Mom passed away on Jan.10, 2010. Every day I cry and cannot believe that they are both gone. Yes, losing one throws you off balance, but losing both in such a short time, is indescribable. We know that my mother's health, both mentally and physically, declined after losing my father, we could see it and there was nothing we could do about it. We tried to help her, but she wanted her husband.

We know that they would want us to go on, as your mother would want you to, but I do know how hard it is. I don't know what the answer is either. I am still trying to cope, I just pray that God takes my pain away and helps me get through each day. I know that you are angry, so am I,(in some ways I blame that hosp for my Mom's death too, because her life stopped when my Dad died), but that will not bring back my Dad or your Mom. I pray for you as I pray for myself to learn how to cope with this loss and learn to go on. You are in my thoughts.

May 18, 2010
Loss of a Parents Grief
by: Down Under

Rob, condolences on the loss of your sweet mother. We all deal with the loss of our loved ones in different ways, sometimes it takes a lifetime. You need to start thinking of the happy memories you had with mum and know that she is watching over you and would be hurting now seeing you in such a state. You're the only one who can pick yourself back up and grow into the man your mother would have wanted you to be.

You will meet again, as we all will with our lost ones; our time will also come to leave this earth when we have accomplished what we are here for. I lost my father Aug 09, 2 months before my wedding. He was not there to walk me down the isle, worst day of my life, but I knew he was there in spirit through little weird things that happened that day.

It still hurts like crazy and always will, as we think our parents will always be around, but I have now embraced the happy memories we had with dad and share these thoughts with family and friends. And yes we all still cry, scream , have this terrible anger inside, wonder why didn't the doctors do more etc, but that will not bring him back, it only causes us more pain.

Release yourself from that horrible anger that is eating away at you, karma will take its place to those who have done wrong. Keep reading this site Rob, it helps. Warm Wishes.

May 18, 2010
by: Anonymous

Rob, please accept my deepest sympathies on your loss.

You must ask yourself if your Mom would want you to be consumed by this anger and not able to go on with a happy life. You would not love her less nor be a less loving son if you could let go of some anger and remember the real gifts she left you- love, happiness, good memories.

I lost my husband five months ago after what seemed like multiple screwups by the hospital, but all the anger in the world and all the filing of lawsuits etc will not bring him back. I was blessed to have a wonderful sweet man and you were, and still are, blessed to have had a sweet loving mother. Hang onto that and be happy as she would want you to be.

May 18, 2010
by: Anonymous

I know what it feels like. i am so soo sorry.

May 17, 2010
For Rob
by: Mari

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I know it is quite possible to still feel grief as the grieving process varies with different people.
It is important to remember that your mom is safe and no longer in pain.

It might help you to just give your pain over to God and ask for peace. You have the hope of seeing her again someday. Remember the good times you had. She must have been a wonderful mom and that is something to be grateful for. It may have just been her time to go rather then something the doctor did or did not do. Also when a person is in pain it diminishes the quality of life.

From the sound of things I am willing to bet that you were the most wonderful son. That means a lot.
I will pray that you find comfort and rely on the promises of God knowing you will have a grand reunion in heaven.

I lost my husband 6 months ago and sure miss him. There are places I still cannot go because we went there together. He missed out on seeing a grandchild that arrived in Dec 2009. Now there is to be a great grandchild and my husband would have been overjoyed. But the Lord saw he was suffering from his heart and took him home. I still feel pain but my faith keeps me going.

I have come through about 5 stages of grief but sometimes back slide. But God wants me to feel joy for having had a loving husband. I find that I can laugh at some of the things we talked about. I remember him saying, ''Do something with your fine flyaway hair, sweetheart.'' I replied, ''And who might you be? Vicente Fernandez?''
Later he asked me if he was as handsome as Vicente Fernandez and I assured him he was even more handsome.

He was the love of my life.
I will keep you in prayer. Take care of yourself.

May 17, 2010
You do yourself a disfavor
by: Anonymous

Reliving what went wrong is so painful. I have often wondered what happened during the surgery that was supposed to be a aneurysm clipping 3-5 hours to a 13 hour surgery. What complications? Why the stroke 2 hours after? Did it really happen during surgery? I was in shock and inquired numbly.

I still wonder what happened but, he's gone. No justice in the world that I could never prove nor know for sure would bring my original pre-stroke Paul back... So I try to be what I can for our child. Sorrow will never dissipate but hopefully turn into fond memories of the one that we loved.

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