Lost & Confused

by Richard

Ten years ago I fell in love with a girl, she's 6 years younger then me and was only 20 when she became pregnant with our first child; we now have 3 children.
Our relationship has been rocky for quite a while. We argued and fought over petty things, usually money. I always attributed it to being tired and the stress of raising 3 children. Through out I have always loved her and almost very day, despite if I was angry with her, I have thanked the Lord for bringing her into my life.
About 5 years ago she cheated on me. I found out by reading a text on her phone. She swears he was just someone to talk to and that they never consummated their relationship; however it still hurt, but I forgave her and for the next couple of years we seemed to be happy.
Last week she told me she was going to have to work late, I suspected it was more than that and she told me there was someone else and has now moved out.
We have talked and while she has someone else, he was not the reason she left me it was because she was not happy and she had been wanting to move out long before she began talking to him.
I still love her and have spent the past 10 years with her as the most important person in my life; however I RARELY showed it. I took a materialistic approach to our love by buying her nice things as a sign of my love, but I never just held her hand and told her I loved her.
While I know I am not the only one at fault for our failed relationship, it hurts that there were so many things I could have done and didn't. I never married her, I always wanted to, but I wanted to give her a big wedding that I felt she deserved ad that I couldn't afford. I was distant, spending too much time on the computer. When she hurt me I would lash out verbally with cruel words that I never meant.
I just don't know what to do, I still love her and forgive the affair.
I am scared that the better part of me and the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with is lost to me forever.

Comments for Lost & Confused

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Jul 10, 2012
Smart too late
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Broken and Bruised Lady,
I read your post to Richard again and my heart is breaking for the sadness and pain you have been left with. I had to write again as my first post was too long to be submitted.
I hope you can consider grief counselling. You are not only grieving the loss of your late husband but also the loss of relationship and marriage you were cheated from having due to your late husband's cruel behaviour. You need to talk out all your hurt and pain and sadness. So it isn't locked up inside you. You did a very beautifull act by overcoming and still being your late husband's caregiver. You need healing from your painfull marriage. So that if you meet another man you won't take into a new relationship any of the hurt and pain you have experienced. It would be so easy for you to have your guard up, or even attract the wrong man due to how you have been weathered by an abusive marriage. Counselling will just allow everything else to evaporate. Allow you to become the lovely person you are and were before being subjected to such pain from your late husband. If you choose not to take up counselling. Feel free to email me at: doreenelkington@aol.com. I do want you to become a whole person again. To Love and be Loved in return as it should have been.
Best wishes in Life to You and your Son.

Jul 10, 2012
Smart too late
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous, I think you were harsh in your post to Richard and this is reflected in your anger towards your own situation. We take our partners for better or worse. WE try to stand by this. I still applaud you for staying with your hurtfull husband. I feel so sad for you having what seems as a wasted life. You evidently loved your husband very much and this is so painfull when it isn't returned. You sound as if you are from the old school with strong values and traditions. You also stood by your husband. You sound like my mother who put up with my Dad's acid tongue and she took to alcohol to drown her sorrows. Only my Mum divorced my Dad and they lived in the same house for 14yrs. before separating as my Dad kept interfering. We had divided loyalties. My dad sounds like your husband. My mum didn't have the life she wanted. But she was a patient woman to stay longer than most. Perhaps because she had 6 children. # My father had a most abusive childhood by his father and so he turned out to act the way he did. He didn't know any better. He is 91yrs. But I still love the man. I would never wish him harm. WE keep forgiving and forgiving.
You speak of having a son who was not respected
by your husband. People from the old school don't believe in counselling. Otherwise you may have been able to talk things out. Some marriages are so badly damaged by acid words that they actually destroy relationships and people. Relationships break down but not so easy when people break down.
Nobody can blame you from having an affair. I can understand your need to hurt your husband. But I guess it hurt you more because of what you were reduced to in order to feel valued and respected by someone else. Acid words break down one's self-esteem and this is harder to get back or rebuild.
Dear Lady I can feel your pain and sorrow as if it were my own. I can feel your sadness because you had a life you regretted, But hoped it would improve. But also committed to. I honestly hope that you go on to find a man who can respect and honour you and bring healing to your broken heart and soul. You were married to a man who probably didn't know how to do any better or how to change. You paid the price of the tragic results. You deserve happiness and to be Loved. May you heal from all the pain inflicted on you. May you be Blessed in life in the days ahead. I am sorry for your loss.

Jul 10, 2012
Thank you for the responses
by: Anonymous

I should clarify a few things. First I am masking my grieve in front of my children and definitely taking care of them.
I have definitely learned. And while anger is one of the emotions I am feeling it is not the most dominate one, I'm scared that I lost the girl I was meant to be with.
People keep telling me I'll find someone else, but I don't want anyone else.
I do realize she has issues as well. Her dad left her when she was young and out of anger she never spoke to him again and he died in a car accident. She says it doesn't bother her and she never wants to talk about it, but she's not a good liar and you can tell it does.
While her dad leaving her was horrible she was raped right before we started dating. It's another thing she won't talk about. For awhile she saw a Psychiatrist, but then she stopped going.
In the end even if she and I are never together again, I love her and want to help. I've been told I need to get me right so I can move on; but the truth is that I don't want her to move on until she has fixed herself. I don't want to see her in another relationship where she pushes away someone who loves her.

Jul 09, 2012
Lost & Confused
by: Doreen U.K.

Richard I am sorry for the loss of your partner to another man. You will look for things that went wrong and you could have done better. But honestly without making excuses for anyone. The pressures today on young parents trying to bring up children is VERY HARD.
When money is short. Arguments will take place. Don't beat yourself up looking for things you did wrong. Go and get some counselling for YOU. Try and resolve the issues you need to so that the anger can be managed. Even if it means going to anger management classes. It is worth it. One has to look for practical solutions to help themselves. Even if one person in a relationship goes into counselling. A marriage can be saved. Do this for yourself. I DID IT. It hurts to lose the one you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. It is no use playing the blame game. As Adults being responsible is the key. Who is looking after the children? They are a priority and care must be put in place for them. Work on yourself in counselling so that you will become a happier person. Angry People are not happy. Explore how you are so unhappy and try to make changes so that you don't pass on learned behaviour to your children. Often a lot of the unhappiness in relationships is learned in childhood and passed on to future generations and it becomes compacted and harder to resolve. But not impossible. It is just hard work. But worth the hard work. You will get your life back on track. Becoming a new person will make you happier and people will want to be around you. You may get your partner back. Don't look back at what went wrong as you will only be filled with guilt. If things don't work out, you may get another chance at Love and be able to marry the person you love. We live in a fractured world. Society is fractured and we become the same way in life. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Make positive changes that will help you and your children. Put your Focus where it is best needed and work hard to put things right. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. We all need forgiveness and to FORGIVE. For some it is hard. For some it is impossible. Often we can't get back what we have lost. I tried to HONOUR my husband. didn't always get it right. But I never stopped trying. If you get your partner back. Or if you start a new relationship. Work on HONOURING each other. We just fall into the same ways we grew up with and don't know any different till the cracks appear. We can only change what we CONFRONT. I hope that you are able to take on board these suggestions and that you will be in a happier place and things will improve for you. FORGIVE YOURSELF for your shortcomings. Make changes. Live with less regrets. Best wishes.

Jul 09, 2012
Give yourself a break
by: Anonymous


There isn't a manual for how to make a relationship work -- no matter how many books have been written about it, and with all the self-proclaimed experts who say they have the key -- it's still about dealing with the everyday, the pressures of work, of raising kids, of business of living and loving. Don't be too hard on yourself. You may not have verbalized your feelings as much as you would have liked, but love is expressed in many different ways.

You're going to feel lost and confused for some time -- but try and remove guilt and blame from that burden.

Be well.

Jul 09, 2012
Smart too late
by: Anonymous

Richard, now you have learned a valuable mature lesson. Words spoken in anger can never be taken back and once heard they are not forgotten ever!
My dead husband was like you . I told him time and agin he was hurting me and he still said things so ugly and untrue about my son. After 20 years I began an affair as it was the only way I could hurt him back. When I told him he cried and wanted to work "it" out. I told him what it would take and he was okay for a while then began again then he got parkinsons disease and fell and for his last 3 1/2 years of life I took care of him totally , changing his diapers and feeding him even tho I resented how he spoke to me about my son who never did a bad thing to him. I'm now grieveing his death and the loss of what could have been had he just showed me how much he loved me . Actions speak louder than words. You've learned too late what damage anger can do. Hopefully the next woman in your life will get a better person in you. It's horrible to love someonne so much and have them verbally abuse you and try and control you rather than appreciate your total devotion to them. I chose to forgive him his ugliness and he couldn't forgive me my one disgression. I never thought he would cheat me out of his love and affection . He vowed to love and cherish me and didn't . I vowed to forsake all others and didn't after 20 years of being neglected and hurt. Now it's too late to do a damn thing but grieve and pray if someone else enters my life they will know what you learned.

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