Lost daughter, exhusband, complicated

by Kathy
(Detroit MI)

I lost my 30 year old daughter in 2009. She had asthma, was laid off and had no insurance. She called me because she needed a refill on her inhaler. She said she was going to the Dr the next morning. I met her at the drugstore to get the inhaler for her. She was coughing, and I thought she had a cold, so I didn't go near her because I was afraid of catching germs and passing them on to my younger daughter who is medically fragile. So that was the last time I saw her. She apparently did not go to the Dr, and she died that evening. I got to the hospital after she was gone.

My husband was ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT TO ME. He himself had lost his brother to suicide, a niece in a house fire, and a childhood friend in an unsolved murder. I was there for him through all that. But he did nothing for me. I didn't even smile for a year. On the one year anniversary I told my husband I was really depressed. He decided that would be a good time to look online for an old girlfriend of over 30 years ago. So I ended up divorced after being together for 29 years.

I had to retire from a good paying job to care for my medically fragile daughter. After 2 years my fragile daughters health finally stabilized so I was able to place her in a group home. I took her to visit my ex every week for 3.5 years. He became suicidal, and I had to call the police several times to save his life.

In the spring of 2013 I fell in love with a man who told me we would spend all our time together once my daughter was in the group home. I placed my daughter in the home in July 2013. Then this new man in my life starting picking fights with me, and in September 2013 he broke up with me.

Then in December my ex was found dead in his apartment. Even though I was really tired of his selfish behavior, and we were divorced, I still didn't want him dead, and feel very disconnected and alone.

I don't think I have dealt with the loss of my 30 year old daughter because of all the other stresses in my life since then.

So I lost a daughter, the possibility of having grandchildren, a good job, my marriage, a boyfriend, and now my ex is dead. I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I'm feeling VERY sad and lonely.

I am seeing a psychologist and I keep busy, but nothing seems to really help.

Comments for Lost daughter, exhusband, complicated

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Apr 28, 2014
by: Anonymous


I am praying for you!

Jan 20, 2014
Lost daughter, ex husband, complicated
by: Doreen UK

Kathy I am so sorry for your loss of your 30yrs. old daughter, EX husband, your loss of marriage, job and daughter with ill health. This is so much to take on board and often too much to bear. You must feel as if you are sinking and need someone to throw you a lifeline. Such grief finds one in a very dark and lonely place for a long time.
I am so happy that you are seeing a psychologist. If you get the right person you should start to feel better in time. I suffered depression all my life. I saw a psychologist/counsellor in my 40's and ended my depression and this has never returned. I got my life back in ways I didn't think possible and this was the best investment I made in my life. I starting feeling happy for the first time in over 40yrs. I lost my husband to cancer 20 months ago and find life a struggle. You won't start to feel better immediately, and the therapy can be very painful before it gets better. If you stay with the programme you will reap the benefits. Like all healing it is a slow process. I didn't believe my therapy would work due to the painful process. But one day I woke up and felt different. Better like I had never felt before and this was the beginning of the healing process. just don't give up half way through therapy. See it all the way and you will be glad you did. I wish you better days ahead.

Jan 20, 2014
You Will Survive
by: Judith in California

Kathy, first off let me say how sorry I am for your losses. The lack of support from someone who is supposed to be there for you in your times of need is most disappointing. My husband was like that. I was with him through his illnesses and troubles but one time when I was in the hospital he went and visited friends near the hospital. I told him how much that bothered me and he never apologized. I know that feeling that you ask yourself "just who the hell am I to him ?"

Set aside some time to grieve daily. No tv, No phone, nothing but time to reflect and grieve. Cry and scream and hit your pillow do what it takes to bring out all you are feeling and leave it out so you can begin to heal. Don't keep a single thing in and then when you are on the other side of it ...let it go.

Yes, please seek counseling and do not be afraid of being alone. You will find you are stronger, more capable and smarter than you think. You will also find out just who you are to you. YOU count and you are deserving of better than you've had so far. Give yourself time to grow into the most amazing self reliant woman. Hopefully a good man of character will come along one day for you. Set boundaries as to what you will or will not tolerate in your life anymore and be strong with your convictions. Be the amazing Mother to your daughter who is in the care facility.

I pray this for you. Keep God close by too.

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