Lost, disillusioned, bored, tired, lonely, and depressed forever

by Melanie

I met Tom at work in 1997. We worked with people with disabilities. He was my weekend co worker, and we became fast friends. We never saw each other outside of work during our time as co workers. Partly because we were both in relationships. He was married, and I was engaged. He was a rebel type. He would ride a Harley to work late, but always make up for it with jokes or taking on the heaviest work load that day. He was elusive; never sharing his personal business with us at work, or even with his own wife, as one day he called out at 6 am and his wife called looking for him at work at 9 am. It was apparant he had issues, but I was alot younger than him, and had my own life. There were rumors about him around work of affairs he had had with other co workers, but from the five yrs we were teamates, that type of charactor was never evident.
He was fired in 2002 for calling out of work at the last second, when a swat team surrounded his home after a dispute with his wife. We never heard from him again at the job. instead, a couple years later, he called me out of the blue, for someone to talk to. I dropped everything, and ran to meet him. I had really missed him, and felt sorry for his troubles, and work was certainly no fun without him:P
When he pulled up in the parking lot of this mexican restaurant we had agreed to meet at, I didn't even recognise his face. He got out of his pickup truck, and smiled at me, but I was shocked at how thin he looked, and his face was sunken in. I told him how much I had missed him, and that I wanted to help him with whatever he was going through, but he had to tell me how. He told me just to be there for him would be enough. His wife and him had seperated for 2 yrs, according to him, and he was depressed. I went easy on him, and changed the subject. We talked like best friends over candle light and a few drinks, and it is then and there we kissed, and my life as I had known it, changed forever. I was overcome with chemical attraction to this man! He was the best kisser on earth, and we ran off together. I never let him go since that night. 2 YRS into it, I found out he was addicted to heroin. Although I had my suspicions due to some odd behavior and lies, some pretty hostile temper tantrums, etc, I was overcome with the willingness to stand by him. It was a long rollarcoaster ride from hell, but within 2 yrs, he was off the heroin, and also the methedone:p He held onto his beer though, but only until he had had his 3rd esophageal bleed after 3 yrs of being clean from drugs, and happy. He had bands in his throat, but never told me what exactly was going on until I heard it from one of his 5 sisters, in the hospital after a fourth massive bleed that almost killed him. I had a feeling, so I turned to her, and taking my chances I wasn't mistaking, asked her, "how long has he had hepatitis?" She looked at me and said, "oh, a long time now". I looked at him in the hospital bed sleeping so soundly after I had washed him up, fed him, and got him to sleep for the night. I was hurt that he had put my life at risk, but I decided to stand by him still. He never picked up alcohol after that hospital stay again, and I quit drinking, as well. He went a good 2 more years before he had another bleed. But in that time, we had such a wonderful life, we went into a denial state, I had been working on getting him ready for a transplant, and a liver team was lined up, but there was no panic until a month after our baby girl was born in 2009. That was the day reality struck, and he collapsed in a pool of blood with our baby in her swing five feet away. I called EMS, and amazingly, he came out of it. I never did though. I went on a downward spiral from that day, and could not escape the reality he was dying. To top it all off, his family decided to sell the farm and we were thrown out on the st. before I could even go back to work legally. I took a job as a visiting nurse, and got us an extended stay hotel room. Nobody in either of our families would help us! I was completely ticked off, and hurt. Mostly for my two helpless loves. Niether of them deserved this, and we had to move 2 other times before ending up in that hotel room, so it wasnt even that easy. He hit rock bottom after being thrown out of his family farm. He developed collitis, along with pnemonia, and an infection in his heart valve. He required an IV 3x a day, and the only one to administer it was me. I was driving all over the state in a junky car, trying to be in a million places at once, until I decided it wasn't even paying to work. I quit, and stayed home with him and the baby, borrowing money and hustling with my looks whenever possible, in a desperate struggle to keep a roof and thier basic needs met. I basically sold my soul to the devil, without having to sleep with anyone luckily:/ I was so angry that I was put in this position. I swore off our families, and he recovered from his illness, only to begin losing more weight, and devoloping acitis (fluid retention) of the abdomanal walls, a result of the livers inability to circulate blood, and filter toxins. He was doing great the last week. He seemed more alert, energetic, and was playing with the baby, and had a recent endoscopy done, which the dr said looked very good. I was feeling like I could finally breathe for a bit. We did chores together, and laughed, made love. That all ended after I got back from shopping for baby clothes Jan 22nd 2010. I arrived back to the apartment with the baby and aa few bags, to find him holding his head, and complaining his stomach hurt. Before I could put the bags down, he was in the bathroom vomitting blood. Maybe a couple liters? I called EMS, and bagan bleaching to prevent the spread of disease when the emts get there, etc. Got him cleaned up and sat him on the edge of the tub. He rinsed his mouth out and was fully responsive. He asked for socks on his way out the door to the ambulance, which I tucked in his blanket, and kissed him on the forhead. He was in a coma bye the time I got to the hospital. They told me he wasn't coming out of it this time, and they didn't know why. I knew why... He had lived a long life of self abuse, fought a long battle, but he wasn't honest to himself or even me. He never helped me save him. I wanted it more than he did. He knew it was too late. One example of this are some bloody towels I found on the floor next to the hotel room door after he was rushed away that night. Why not call 911 himself? Why not call me?? He wanted to please me, and that was all he ever cared about. He went along with the fight to save me the heartache, he always thought of how I would view him, never seemed to be too impressed with himself, other than the fact I made him feel like a better man, as he would tell me. I loved him very much, and he was the sexiest, smartest, most artistic, fun loving man any woman could ever ask for. I fell asleep to a full body massage every night, and woke up to a gentle voice and a smile with breakfast in bed. He was a loving, gentle, a caring father, but he often felt paralizing guilt, because he felt he had let his loved ones down. In the end, he had a second daughter, and he was powerless to offer anything more than a smile and a hug:/ I think alot of times, the pain I feel, is his pain. That makes it hard. Also, I have never had love from even my family all my life. I had been rejected and emotionally abused until he came along. I though the nightmare was over. I am back there now, except unable to breathe...

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