lost for 13 years

by Liz W
(Alberta, Canada)

When i was 6ish my dad asked me to live with him, as i lived with my mom in a different city. I ended up doing so. When i turned 7 my mom passed away on Dec 1, 1998 from a heroin overdose. That has been the most haunting moment of my life. Since then i have cut myself, had eating disorders, self medicated with pain killers from our medicine cabinet at home, been addicted to alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy, cigarettes. I have always had this fear that everyone i love is going to leave me, my dad was always working for 2-6 months at a time, with only 1 week off. i moved so many times i have no real childhood friends, or memories. I don't know my mom's side of the family very well although i do remember them and love them as they do me. I am now 20 and the mother to a BEAUTIFUL little 15 month old girl. That has been the most incredible moment of my life. I am also a fiance. Still i find myself depressed. I am clean and have been for 4 years ever since i met my fiance. I no longer smoke cigarettes and i take good care of my family. I am still so depressed and i am now finding my fiance getting alot of the negative emotions from inside. I am scared that i may start doing so with everyone i am surrounded with. I don't want to emotionally hurt the ones i love. I don't know how to come to terms with this, or to just learn to live this way. I am get so angry, sad, and hurt inside it doesn't take much to set me off. I don't know how to talk to people about this because no one understands, they say the wrong things, i just get insecure and just back off. I need help and advice if anyone has any. How can i deal with this? I don't want to hurt this much anymore, i want to be happy and live my life. I just miss her so much, wish i knew more about her, wish i remembered her laugh, smile, voice, hug. I hardly remember her at all.