lost for 13 years

by Liz W
(Alberta, Canada)

When i was 6ish my dad asked me to live with him, as i lived with my mom in a different city. I ended up doing so. When i turned 7 my mom passed away on Dec 1, 1998 from a heroin overdose. That has been the most haunting moment of my life. Since then i have cut myself, had eating disorders, self medicated with pain killers from our medicine cabinet at home, been addicted to alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy, cigarettes. I have always had this fear that everyone i love is going to leave me, my dad was always working for 2-6 months at a time, with only 1 week off. i moved so many times i have no real childhood friends, or memories. I don't know my mom's side of the family very well although i do remember them and love them as they do me. I am now 20 and the mother to a BEAUTIFUL little 15 month old girl. That has been the most incredible moment of my life. I am also a fiance. Still i find myself depressed. I am clean and have been for 4 years ever since i met my fiance. I no longer smoke cigarettes and i take good care of my family. I am still so depressed and i am now finding my fiance getting alot of the negative emotions from inside. I am scared that i may start doing so with everyone i am surrounded with. I don't want to emotionally hurt the ones i love. I don't know how to come to terms with this, or to just learn to live this way. I am get so angry, sad, and hurt inside it doesn't take much to set me off. I don't know how to talk to people about this because no one understands, they say the wrong things, i just get insecure and just back off. I need help and advice if anyone has any. How can i deal with this? I don't want to hurt this much anymore, i want to be happy and live my life. I just miss her so much, wish i knew more about her, wish i remembered her laugh, smile, voice, hug. I hardly remember her at all.

Comments for lost for 13 years

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Nov 16, 2011
share your grief
by: Anonymous

Be sure that your mother loved you deeply,and return that love by allowing happiness into your life.She must have had many struggles and will have peace when she knows that you,her beloved daughter is experiencing life much differently than she was able to herself.Talk to your little girl about her grandma.You will probably start to remember more and more wonderful moments you had with her.Don't let your daughter become you in twenty years.Be strong.If your father is still in your life talk to him about your mom and other family members.You are internalizing your grief,and it will become your monster.Stay clean,be proud of yourself for what you've accomplished.

Nov 10, 2011
Lost for 13 years
by: April E.

Dear Liz, My heart really goes out to you. You have so much pent up inside. Who wouldn't with all that you have been through. Your feelings are your feelings and they are legitimate. You are so fortunate to have your little girl & fiance. I don't think these feelings you have are just going to go away. I think you need a therapist you can trust with your heart and soul. It will probably be a long process for you, but rewarding in the end. You have your whole life ahead of you, and a little one to raise. You don't need to feel like this forever. I am urging you to get help. You deserve to have a happy life. You may have to go to a few therapists before you find one you are comfortable with. The sooner you get started the better. Please do this for yourself. You sound like a wonderful caring lady that needs some guidance. Take care and know you are in my prayers. April

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