Lost Husband Steve of 44yrs marriage to MESOTHELIOMA
by Doreen Elkington
(Hayes, Middlesex. England United Kingdom)
March 28th 2009 was the worst day of our lives. Husband Steve was made redundant in December 2008 and he had a bad cough and went to the doctors and then sent for a chest Xray where a shadow was found on his lung on the Xray. Then a biopsy and then the devastating news. Steve had MESOTHELIOMA (an incurable, inoperable, lung cancer caused by working with Asbestos).
Steve cut the asbestos on a power saw. So Steve had a high level of exposure. Steve was a carpenter and loved his work. He used to work all over the world and he worked long hours. I had to bring the children up myself and had to be mother and father to them.
Steve worked hard for his family. MESOTHELIOMA takes between 40 to 60 years to develop and Steve was spot on for the 40 years which means he developed this when he was 25 years old.
Steve had 2 lots of Chemotherapy, and then 10 sessions of Radiotherapy, and lasted 3years and 39 days. Steve suffered a lot of pain till the day he died. I had to see this and my heart ached every day as I nursed him. Steve sadly died on 5th May 2012. I buried Steve on 25th May 2012. 11 days ago.
I feel as if my heart has been ripped out and I am left bleeding to death only death doesn't come. Steve was my heartbeat. Steve wanted to live and this is so painfull to see how sad he was waiting to die and not knowing when! I nursed Steve to the end as he wanted to die at home. It was an honour and privelege to nurse Steve and Love him to the end but I didn't want him to die. I was in DENIAL. Waiting for a miracle but one did not come. Steve one time was happy that prayers were going up for him all over America on the God Channel. But Healing didn't come and I feel let down by God. I am angry with God. I don't want to be but I am and can't get out of this pain. I purchased a grave for 2 so I will go in the same plot. I wish it was now. I don't want to live without my Steve. Steve was 65 years of age and looking forward to retirement and now he is gone. I don't want to go on living.
My son of 43 and daughter of 40 have walked away from me so I lost 3 people on the day of the funeral. They only came for the WILL and want Dad's things. I feel betrayed and did not expect this. Being Mum and Dad had a lot to do with this.
Death blew us apart. I wish Death could take me now as I don't want to grieve anymore. I feel I have been grieving all my life over something and this is the worst pain I could go through. There is no relief from the pain I am in and it echo's what others on this grief site are going through. I don't want to go on anymore. Steve wanted to live and he didn't get the chance to enjoy retirement. Now I have nothing else to live for. I live all alone with my grief and I don't want to start a new life. I like the old one I had. I was content. I don't like change at my age of 64 in 2 months. Steve's birthday is this Sunday 10th June 2012. I fear the LONLINESS. I don't like being ALONE.
My heart is breaking. How do I go on now!! without my Beloved Steve.