Lost in a crowded room
Shreveport, Louisiana 2010
My life now revolves around my only part-time job. I make to little money to support myself and to much to get unemployment. Stuck limbo and lost in space. Sounds like a new show huh?
So I'm working the part-time job ok. I work retail so I'm kept busy most of the time with customers so my mind doesn't have to venture into uncharted waters of the deep where I seem to be drowning these days.
I finally had the opportunity to see some friends today and I was like a stranger walking into a room. It's Hi how are you and talk, talk, talk but I'm not there. I finally just had to leave because I felt so alone. We're talking a bowling alley covered with people talking left and right, laughing and kidding everybody around. I felt so out of place. Me, the social person who can always talk to anybody. A friend even text me asking if they did anything wrong. I could barely get out of there without tears running down my face.
I'm so lost and there's nothing to hold on to and I feel like I'm drowning... my heart hurts so bad... I can barely breath ....
I just want Billy to put his arms around me and hold me like before... I miss him so much... I just don't want to do this any more... These moments in time strip my soul bare leaving me heartbroken and devastated. I haven't had such a major meltdown is awhile.
Everything I had was taken (Billy) and when I try to make it on my own (jobs ~ counting 2) I lose those and my Nascar friends are social but nothing like the friends Billy and I had and just Billy himself. He was my best friend and I'm lost without him.
I spend more time with my mother but there are just some things you don't want to say to your mother. Then there's my son who's going to be 20 in the next week and as Mothers/Child conversations can only go so far. I'm hoping my visit this coming week for his birthday will help lift my spirits and comfort my soul.
I miss the intimate conversations Billy and I had or just the goofy talking's which also ended up me getting tickled and pined to the bed laughing and crying as I was swished almost peeing my pants because I can stop laughing and crying.
Tonight I felt that pain deep in my heart, the one that stops me breathing and threaten to destroy my sanity or what's left of it.
I hate being me. Who am I now? So many time's I ask myself these questions and as of today ~ still no answers.
I will continue to look for those answers but until then?
I will be . . .
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year