Lost in a crowded room

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Lost in a crowded room

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Shreveport, Louisiana 2010

My life now revolves around my only part-time job. I make to little money to support myself and to much to get unemployment. Stuck limbo and lost in space. Sounds like a new show huh?
So I'm working the part-time job ok. I work retail so I'm kept busy most of the time with customers so my mind doesn't have to venture into uncharted waters of the deep where I seem to be drowning these days.
I finally had the opportunity to see some friends today and I was like a stranger walking into a room. It's Hi how are you and talk, talk, talk but I'm not there. I finally just had to leave because I felt so alone. We're talking a bowling alley covered with people talking left and right, laughing and kidding everybody around. I felt so out of place. Me, the social person who can always talk to anybody. A friend even text me asking if they did anything wrong. I could barely get out of there without tears running down my face.
I'm so lost and there's nothing to hold on to and I feel like I'm drowning... my heart hurts so bad... I can barely breath ....
I just want Billy to put his arms around me and hold me like before... I miss him so much... I just don't want to do this any more... These moments in time strip my soul bare leaving me heartbroken and devastated. I haven't had such a major meltdown is awhile.
Everything I had was taken (Billy) and when I try to make it on my own (jobs ~ counting 2) I lose those and my Nascar friends are social but nothing like the friends Billy and I had and just Billy himself. He was my best friend and I'm lost without him.
I spend more time with my mother but there are just some things you don't want to say to your mother. Then there's my son who's going to be 20 in the next week and as Mothers/Child conversations can only go so far. I'm hoping my visit this coming week for his birthday will help lift my spirits and comfort my soul.
I miss the intimate conversations Billy and I had or just the goofy talking's which also ended up me getting tickled and pined to the bed laughing and crying as I was swished almost peeing my pants because I can stop laughing and crying.
Tonight I felt that pain deep in my heart, the one that stops me breathing and threaten to destroy my sanity or what's left of it.
I hate being me. Who am I now? So many time's I ask myself these questions and as of today ~ still no answers.
I will continue to look for those answers but until then?
I will be . . .
always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

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Lost in a crowded room

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Lost
by: Judy

Patricia,

That's the worst isn't it, not having the familiar arms around you. I miss that most of all, having someone to hold me when I'm upset, sad or just at night falling asleep. I feel just starved for physical comfort, but you have to be careful not to send wrong signals or step on toes.
So we travel along in our isolation bubble, alone in the crowd, alone in life.

I know you're sick of hearing that things will get better, and they will, but it doesn't cure the lonely part. I still waiting for someone to tell me how to cure that. Meanwhile we just plod along one step at a time.

JM

Step by step
by:

Patricia,

I don't always respond, But I am always here, always listening and I remember... all too well the feelings that you are going through right now. I guess that I am on the mend from grief but that does not mean that it is always a forward movement.

Grief tries its best to push you back to a time a place, A memory that you do not want to return to. Just keep putting yourself out there and make no apologies. Grief has changed us and it is so very hard to accept as is the new life that we try to carve out for ourselves. Not a good fit this life, the life without the very one that we has planned on growing old with.

As grief takes every bit of strength from us we will find new ways to accept ourselves and grow to embrace this life. It seems impossible but I assure you that little by little and moment by moment we are doing exactly that.
HH

glad i found this
by: Katie

Hi Jennifer: I can't seem to find any dates, so i am not sure how fresh this post is. I have not lost my husband - but a friend has. she and i were not friends, but i stepped in during a time when everyone else was hiding and dodging. She and i are very close now - our relationship has been formed from tragedy. Anyway, i am glad i found this spot - simply to remind me of where she is in her grief, etc. she is 5 months into it and in her grief, she doesn't want to get stuck - but she doesn't know where to turn. all of her energy goes into her 4 kids age 5 - 16. Anyway, i am glad i stumbled upon this.

I will return for more.
Katie - minneapolis, mn
kavenson@comcast.net

lost in a crowded room
by: jules

Patricia - I hate to read that you are hurting so badly - though I do know how you feel - even though to most I seem to be coping really well, inside I am so lonely for John. I could cry every day, but I will myself not to - I have made a different life for myself, doing things that John probably would not have done. Made new friends.

In a lot of ways I am very lucky, in that I do have people I can talk to about my feelings, and they don't judge me, or tell me to "move on" - they see when I am sad, and comfort me - I am thankful that I have such wonderful people in my life.

I don't know what the answers are for you, I can only offer my shoulder on this site for you to lean on - please feel free to do this whenever and for as long as you need to - know that you can come here always, and one of us will be listening to your hur and understand what you are going through.

Every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

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Lost in a crowded room