Lost love?

I have to start by saying that I was surprised (shall I say pleasantly in a sad sort of way) at how many people understood my story as theirs is so much the same. I am married to a man who I'm sure loves me, as he tells me he does, but he is not my love. That place is held by a man I knew 21 years ago. I was 18 and he was 17. I remember how I felt when I was near him. I don't remember how long we were together, only that a lot happened in a small amount of time. I think start to finish was 1 year.

I have said in the past that I am totally against people who have affairs but if "He" ever showed up in my life I would not be able to say no. And now, I have gone looking for him (on Facebook) and found him. I have chatted a bit, but he doesn't seem to be very talkative. When I said as much, he apologized for not chatting. I found myself saying anything just so I would see a response from him. I don't know what I am trying to achieve, but I can't stop thinking about him. I wake up thinking of him, and I go to sleep thinking of him. I lay next to my husband, the father of my two children, wishing it was him I longed for. I wish I had the guts to let my husband go, but I have two children to raise and they deserve this life I have set up for them. Maybe when they are older I can let go of my husband and see if there is anything there. He may not even want to. He does have a girlfriend (says he will never get married). Maybe I'll never know if its a long lost love or a love that's lost. I hate this ache though. I thought I was past this. I want the ache to go away until I can do something. Why does our heart have to have a mind of its own?

Comments for Lost love?

Click here to add your own comments

Feb 03, 2013
Lost
by: Anonymous

You need to talk with your husband about how you feel about your relationship. Give him the chance to correct and work at it or go to an attorney and find out about child support and such. He will definitely have to pay child support if you choose to end your marriage. It's time to re-negotiate your marriage to suit your life.

Dec 19, 2012
Lost Love?
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous I guess you may feel misunderstood and feel unsupported by the comments. Maybe even HURT. I know counselling costs money. I live in England and they have Charities that offer counselling on a sliding scale. If this was possible you would greatly benefit from this. In fact I know you would and it would be a SAFER place to resolve the difficulties you are faced with. I tried to handle my difficulties by myself for over 30 yrs. I was in my 40's when I went into counselling. It was the best thing I did for myself. I am in a happier and healthier place emotionally and mentally. I got the right counsellor. it was a battle for me and I resisted much I was counselled with. BUT IT WORKED. I would love everyone struggling with emotional or mental difficulties to be able to get the right impartial support they need and move forward to feel the way I do. Of course I made many mistakes and passed on a lot of my lack of confidence to my children before I got help, There are no perfect families out there. Only FRACTURED ones. This site is a place of support and I finish off by saying it is my mission to feel I have supported you and not made you feel worse for your sharing. Best wishes for the future and I hope life works out positively and sucessfully for you.

Dec 18, 2012
Lost Love?
by: Doreen U.K.

You took a risk and you got some very harsh comments. I can understand what you are saying. When you have had 20yrs. of repressed feelings and you express them they can come out in a way that can be misunderstood. Which makes this a very unsafe place to discuss such feelings. Like you did, I expressed a loss of my children after my husband died 7 months ago. I got one really obnoxious comment that I responded to in a very firm manner as it was very harsh and very judgemental towards me and I couldn't accept this. Like you did. I also did not share the full story of my loss of my children. I wrote a comment to the annonymous woman to say that if she knew all the facts she would have to APOLOGISE to me for her patronising attitude. I told her that I would choose not to share all the facts as I would have to choose my CONFIDANTS carefully otherwise they would compound my pain and I would not heal from this. I feel that to choose a counsellor would be a better idea for you, especially when you have been struggling for 20yrs. I have been where you are and I was in counselling where I was well supported and I did start to heal. Experience has taught me to choose an IMPARTIAL place to discuss such sensitive issues. You can benefit greatly from seeing a good counsellor. I DID. I have no regrets. Most hearers of your story will only be able to see the surface of what you are saying. Not the family dynamics that affect ongoing relationships and cause difficulties that can only be supported with the understanding of a specialist. I hope that you do Heal from where you are at and that life does get better and improve. There are many loss's other than DEATH. You didn't do anything wrong by choosing to write how you felt. A counsellors office is a safer place because they are trained to act with impartiality and skilled so that the person is not damaged by harsh comments.
I hope this helps.

Dec 18, 2012
It was never Love to begin With
by: Anonymous

MAYBE you should have been more open about everything from the get go about your life but regardless , sitting around fantasizing about some guy from the past while you're married is way off base. I don't care how many people do it . It doesn't make it right. we must live with our decisions in life and you chose the man you're married to for better or worse. It's up to each of us to have the character to stand by our word becasue it's all we have and we need to be trusted that we keep it.
You came to the wrong site if you wanted people to agree with you. Most of us who are responding have lost a mate to death after years of marriages that probably weren't so perfect but we know something you don't. A lot of us were caregivers for years before they passed on. So if you don't have the kind of love to sustain you through until that kind of end then you best get out now.

Dec 18, 2012
Doreen UK
by: Anonymous

One more thing too. I don't know if you remember reading "i know my husband loves me because he tells me he does". I didn't say he showed me. I know that part of my problem is the state of my current relationship. But I also know that i never got over this other man. About a year after we split up I received a letter from him that sent me into a two year tail spin. If only I'd.... I say those three words so many times but unfortunately I was young and stubborn and didn't realize how this was going to affect me. I ran from it (moved several times as far as I could). Even when I was in my last relationship (prior to my husband) this other man would sneak into my head an I would squish him back into the deep darkness of my subconscious.

I know I need to deal with my husband. Unfortunately I am not financially able to keep my children in the life they are accustomed and my husband has told me in the past that I will have a hard time collecting child support so here I am. Like I said before I do love my husband and it could be worse. He's not abusive and he's not an alcoholic so I guess this isn't a bad way to spend my life for now. I just wish there was some way to make the other one go away. Ignoring his name in my head hasn't worked so I was thinking contacting him and seeing what he's like now would show me he's different. When that didn't work I hoped being able to share my thoughts on here would help. I guess in some ways it is, but I really didn't think that I would have people judging without knowing the full picture if my life now. If everything was perfect (or as close as humanly possible) I probably wouldn't be feeling so empty. Especially at this time of year.

Dec 18, 2012
Doreen UK
by: Anonymous

I read your post about putting your all into your children. Which I have done for 13 years. As far as my husband not being here if he was away working it would be easier to deal with than being alone with him in the house. I can't even get him to sit beside me in the couch. Don't get me wrong, I do love my husband, but I don't know if I've ever been in love with him. We got pregnant very early on in our relationship and we never really had a chance to get to know each other before the baby came.

As for leaving my husband for this other man. I would leave my husband because that's the right thing to do, not for some other man. And if I lose them both then maybe that's the right thing.

Again, I only posted that to work through my thoughts. I appreciate all the "advice" but without being in my shoes you really don't know what it is like to be me.

Dec 18, 2012
Lost love?
by: Doreen U.K.

I like Phil's advice to you because he has lived it and he has first hand experience of what can go wrong. There is always the risk that if you did eventually in the future go off with this man from your past it may not work. As the years go by PEOPLE CHANGE. He may not be the same man you remember. Weigh up. If you took the risk to go off with this man you love in the future. What if it didn't work out and you lost both ways? You have to really weigh up everything.
Being human many of us can testify to having the same feelings. We become unhappy with our lot in life and if we have something better on offer we fantasise. "What if?" This is dangerous to let our minds float off into "What might be?" My husband who I lost 7 months ago was working all over the country and the world. He had temptation in his way and changed towards me and we could have separated. I could have said "OH I am not putting up with this life there is nothing in it for me." "My husband is never here, and when he is he is too tired to talk to me." "I am going off to see what can make me happy." What I did was to put my ALL into my children. I had a great sense of COMMITTMENT. My husband was out there working hard for his family and the least I could do was to do my best to be a good wife and mother. That was MY PRIORITY. I got on with it. My husband on the road a lot became more and more distant from me. Times were hard. DIFFICULT. I just went on and did my duty and cared for my husband the best way I could. I PUT HIS NEEDS FIRST. Not hard when you LOVE someone as I loved Him. I didn't look at my needs at all. I was totally FOCUSED on My husband and my children. We were married 44yrs. and it was only when my husband was dying of cancer that HE GOT IT. "MY WIFE LOVES ME TOTALLY." There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Before he died he let out a secret that broke my heart. He was MOLESTED when he was 7yrs. of age. He could never feel the love I had for him because he was damaged. He got the LOVE THING all too late. JUST BEFORE HE DIED. My heart aches for this Man I LOVED I could FORGIVE HIM ANYTHING. I was determined by the Grace and Help of God to stay committed to my husband and to love him till DEATH us do PART. I feel a sense of having completed my task and mission on earth. To do the best as I can for my family. NOT PERFECT. MADE MANY MISTAKES. GOD A LOT WRONG. BUT FORGIVEN. I am now struggling with ME. What do I do with my life. That is my next chapter. We each in life have to do what we think is right. But if you make a CHOICE. Make sure it is the right one. And you can live with this if it doesn't work out. There is no going back if it doesn't work out. Your husband would be damaged from the break up and you may never get back what you had with your husband. If you are unhappy, and want to leave your husband. DO IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. And not because there is something better out there. There always will be.

Dec 17, 2012
To anonymous
by: Anonymous

You know what. You are right. In a perfect world I would not be feeling these feelings or I could get out of the relationship I am in. Unfortunately you judge me without all of the facts. Only the ones I chose to write about. This writing was to help me express feelings that I have been bottling up for 20 years and after reading some of the others comments I thought this would be a safe place to do it without being judged since tgis was about a loss that isnt death. There are many things about my current relationship that you don't know about and I chose not to write about as this was suppose to be about how to get through each day not how to bash my husband. Either way my purpose for writing was to heal and I am beginning my healing journey, so judge me if you must but I am starting a new chapter in my life.

Dec 17, 2012
Your husband
by: Anonymous

I am a man much like your husband, I was married for 25 years to the woman I thought was my soul mate, (part of my story is here under "Phil")I was blindsided by her acting on feelings like you describe. She ended up not being with the other man from her past but was still left looking for something else besides what she had and 2 years ago she left me and our daughter and is now dating a man and in a long distance relationship. I am not mad at her and actually we have the 1 in 100 breakup because we genuinely like each other, and are still friends, it never got ugly mainly because I never went there. Then there is the cost to your children, I understand your dilemma, you feel like your chance is slipping away and you don't want to live without knowing what might have been. I don't think you can ever go back, it did not work for my ex and everyone including her is the less for it.
It is still hard for me even though I have let go, I find myself wondering if we are really over. at this time of year it gets worse but I am ok, I just want you to know how much I believe we lost, which to me was everything, and that I don't think we can ever go back and possibly never be as happy. Happy but never again can I think forever with someone, because if what we had (It was the real deal I know it in my heart) didn't last, nothing can that is not to say I have no hope I just feel like I will always have the doubt. We have to let things be what they are, There is now way to happiness, Happiness is the way, think long and hard and either let this guy go because I have a feeling he isn't what you think he is, it is a fantasy you have been carrying around. I and my children have paid a terrible price and we will never be the same or as happy. these words are only meant to help you in whatever your choice is. choose wisely. Phil

Dec 17, 2012
lost love
by: Anonymous

Grow up!

Dec 17, 2012
Take Heed
by: Anonymous

You must start by putting yourself in your husbands shoes. How would you feel if he were laying there at night wishing for someone else, feeling trapped because he has two kids and a wife he said he loved but really deeply loved another? For christ sake get your head out and realize that you are treading dangerous ground. You control you, not your heart. The heart is a muscle and doesn't have a brain.
You had no business looking up this guy much less beginning a conversation with him. HE obviously is not that into you or he would have been more responsvie instead of you having to remind him he wasn't.
Do the right thing and give your husband more respect and learn to respect yourself and your children. The only people who understand are those who want to feel less guilty because they are doing the same thing. The ones who tell you to stop this have either been there and know of what they preach.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Relationship.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!