Lost Mom and Grandma only 3 months apart
I am 44 and an only child. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I have not spoken to my dad since I was 21. Growing up, I spent many nights at my grandma’s house while mom went out on dates or with friends or took trips. Mom and I had a good relationship during my growing up years, but I don’t know why that didn’t continue as I became an independent adult. She got mad at the silliest things and would say the most hateful things. I always forgave her, but worried about when the next episode would happen. I could generally count on making her mad about every 3 to 6 months. In the past several years, I only talked to her when I had to because I never knew if what I said or how I said it would make her mad. At times I wondered if I would even miss her if she died. (terrible, I know) Mom wasn’t a happy person as she got older.
My grandma was like my 2nd mother. I loved her so much. She was very special to me and I always knew her death would be tough on me. Me, mom, and grandma were like the three musketeers. It was a strange, but neat, triangular relationship. My mom was also an only child so I have no first cousins, aunts, or uncles.
In March 2013 my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She died on June 13, 2013, after 4 days in hospice. It all went so fast. I feel like we could’ve done more or I should’ve visited more. I should’ve been more sensitive to her and then maybe she wouldn’t have been depressed and been subject to getting sick as easily. Maybe she would’ve taken better care of herself if she wasn’t depressed. Since mom was an only child also, it was now my responsibility to take care of my grandma. I enjoyed this very much. It seemed to help me cope with losing mom. Needless to say, my grandma was very upset about losing a child and she told me she prayed that God would take her first. Although He didn’t take her first, He didn’t wait long. She died three months later after one week in the hospital. She was admitted for shingles and a UTI, but she developed pneumonia and then her heart just gave out.
I feel completely lost, left out. The two people who cared for me since I was born are gone. I have two girls, ages 10 and 14, and have been married for 15 years to a wonderful man. I feel terrible for saying this, but sometimes I just want them to go away and leave me alone. I don’t want to cook supper, or do laundry, or take kids to activities, or anything! My husband has no idea what I’m going through. He still has both of his parents and wasn’t close to any of his grandparents. I feel like nobody understands me. I fly off the handle at the smallest things and I feel terrible for being angry at my family. I know my girls don’t understand and I don’t want them to hate me or think their mom is crazy and doesn’t love them. I just don’t know how to deal with the feelings and I don’t have anyone to talk to. My husband will listen, but I need advice and he can’t give it. How long will I feel like this? Should I seek counseling? Will my kids remember this time negatively? Will I ever be the same? I feel so alone and sad. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad that I think I might be having a heart attack. I’ve had a stress test though and my heart is fine. I guess heartache is a “real” condition. Please, somebody help me. My husband seems to think I’m coping quite well since I’m still taking care of the kids and house, but I feel like an actress. Is it weird to go on a weekend trip alone? I wasn’t doing too badly after mom passed, but now that grandma is gone too, it’s just too much. My chest is starting to hurt again just writing about this so I’ll end it here. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I feel so terrible for the other people’s losses on this site.