lost mother, father and sister

In the past four years I have lost my mother, father and sister. My parents were in their 80s, lived close by and I was very active in their care. My sister was 39 and developed colon cancer and died a horrible death from liver mestastisis. I was her main care giver and the experience has left me very changed, even three years later.

My father most recently died last fall and I am in charge of his small estate and also the burial of the cremains of my three family members. They all requested cremation, but never expressed their wishes to be 'spread", buried or where they wanted to be. Having the urns here at my home can be comforting on one hand, but on the other I believe it complicates and extends my grieving process. I did buy a cemetery plot and the three cremains will be place together in a headstone, and on this grave.

What I struggle with most are friends, and even my adult children's opinion that I am obsessed with these deaths, need to "get over it", as they think they can place some kind of time table on my grief. I feel insulted that some even plead with me to take anti depressants when I want nothing to do with them, I need to be given permission to be sad and just need to be able to express my sadness.

You see, grief scares people. But I actually feel myself getting sadder as people who claim to care about me are uncomfortable with me talking about it and society today leans towards sending us to a therapist, getting medicated and treated for something that is the natural order of things (dying), though some are untimely deaths such as my sister.

I have met others online and in my life who have also had multiple losses and the situation is the same. Friends put their own timeline on our grief and when we don't fall into those perameters there is something wrong with us. People just plain don't understand and don't know what to say. This treatment of being made to feel like there is something wrong with me just complicates and prolongs the healing process.

Why can't I be sad for as long as I need to be I want to say? Also, expressing our grief whether feeling the need to cry, but most of all talk about it has been my greatest healing tool, but finding people who understand those needs is tough. I am not crazy, I don't want to be medicated I just want to be able to express my grief. For now I will not seek a therapist as my hope remains the my husband and children, those who know me best and the family that has passed, will come to discover I need them to lean on.

Comments for lost mother, father and sister

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Jul 02, 2012
lost mother, father, and sister
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Misunderstood
I am sorry for the loss of your mother, father, and sister.
I am enraged at the people in your life who tell you to move on with your life and don't like you grieving. MY SWEETHEART. YOU GRIEVE ALL YOU WANT. You have every right to grieve the losses in your life which is 3 in 4 years. I say to these people they just don't know what grief is like and how very painful this is. They cannot empathize with you because they haven't a clue how to behave to someone in grief. Just wait till they go through this. They will have to come to you and APOLOGISE. Grief is so very painfull. No time limit can be put on grief. The type of death also affects the grieving process.
If you don't want a therapist (and who says you need one). You could use the support of a bereavement (grief) counsellor. They specialise in this area and they will support you with all those feelings going on inside you. A grief counsellor will be sensitive and caring. Just what you need. But don't tell anyone if you go. They won't understand and they might impede your progress. You don't need any interference or any strong opinions at this time. You just give yourself permission to grieve. THIS IS O.K. Don't let anyone bully you or tell you otherwise. You sound like a very articulate and wise woman. I wish you all the best in the days ahead. You can write as often as you wish and someone will care for you and your feelings on this website. We Care. Be at Peace now and I hope things get better for you and you know and feel that people care about you. Best wishes.

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