Lost my beautiful mamita and my only friend Feb.14, 2014

by Rina
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

Mamita and Me 2013

Mamita and Me 2013

We were both abandoned by our fathers...and when my father left never to be heard of seen from again since I was 6 my mother and I became very close. We lived together until she died. I am 47 and she was 80 when she had a massive stroke and suddenly died. I have no other family left. I have no husband...no children. I have my cat and one good close friend. I don't know what to do. I feel totally lost. I'm ok and accepting for a while...they I just scream out and cry uncontrollably for my mommy. She was my everything. I feel so alone. Moments I miss her...moments i'm angry that she left me. Moments I feel bad that we didn't always get along...we argued about stupid things sometimes. I regret any time I ever said anything nasty to her. I wish I could take it all back and just show her how much I loved her. I didn't have a chance to tell her i love you...she immediately went into a coma...but I hope she is with me and sees how much I am suffering. I don't know if I can go on. She was my rock... I didn't want to leave her alone and hurt her. Now there is nothing...just a big void and i wonder why I am on this earth. I don't want to be here anymore. But I'm afraid my grandmother father and brother have all passed. I am lost with out her. I have her pictures and haven't cleaned out her room. I'm afraid to rid of anything. I'm afraid of life without her.

Comments for Lost my beautiful mamita and my only friend Feb.14, 2014

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Mar 05, 2014
I can relate
by: Barbara

Yes, our Mom's are not only our Mom's but our best friend. When we are very close we share all of life's ups and downs with them. They are always there for us. When they pass, we no longer have that connection in a physical way - but they will always live on in our hearts.
I lost my Mom in January 2014 at the age of 91. I was her caregiver. She had a lot of medical problems - an infected artificial knee, on dialysis for 6 years and leukemia. I took care of her meds and took her to dialysis and all her appts. She knew how tired I was and felt so sorry for me. I don't know where she got the courage to go through all she did. I feel relief that she is not suffering anymore. I joined a liturgy group at my church and attended at a small group home meeting today. I found it very inspiring and relaxing. The people were very kind and friendly. I also am going to attend a Connection Circle tomorrow at the senior center where my Mom and I attended a stamp collection meeting. I have a cat too and the funny thing is when I'm sitting working on stamps thinking about my Mom and feeling kind of down the kitty will come along just as if she knows I need comforting. I kid you not it has happened several times.
My Dad who's 88 says yes to get out there and meet people that you feel comfortable with and speak well. Today at Mass for Ash Wednesday I do get teary especially when a song is sung. But it's normal and I ask God for comfort and to help me get through it.
I did go through her things as she told me to donate them to the Vietnam Veterans so I did do that the first couple of weeks. I take my time and plan what I'm going to do.
Like others said take time for yourself to get out. Check out senior centers - you don't have to be 65 - 50 is fine. Don't stereotype. There are some very active people there and a lot of activities. If you don't like it then it's not for you. So, take one day at a time - watch a good movie - go for a walk - cook something healthy like a good hearty soup. We are all in recovery - me especially in after caregiving recovery. God's blessing on you and remember one step at a time. Be happy, be healthy, be lovable but most of all be hopeful!!!

Mar 05, 2014
by: Rina

Thank you Doreen and Michelle. It's really true. I will never have or want anyone to replace my mother. She was one of kind. Sweetest kindest woman and no one in my life has or ever will love me and understand me as she did. We were two of a kind. Now I just feel like half of me is already dead. Now I have to find a way to go on without her. I go out once a day....for cigarettes or food...or meet a friend for a coffee. I have zero interest in romance/sex...hope my long time boyfriend gets it! He has been understanding and a huge support. I'm ok for several hours....then I just start bawling and crying uncontrollably. I know things are just things....but her room, her bed, her clothes smell like her an her hermes perfume. I am taking it moment by moment. I wish to go to yoga soon. Always made me feel relaxed and at peace.

Mar 04, 2014
Lost my beautiful mamita and my only friend Feb.14, 2014
by: Doreen UK

Rina I am sorry for your loss of your Mom. Your rock and strength. My heart breaks for your loss and the devastation you feel from losing her. The VOID you feel is because you have nothing to replace the relationship you had with her. It is a very scary place to be right now. Concentrate on the fact that you have your cat who will be a comfort to you presently, so you don't feel SO ALONE. Don't rush to clear out your mom's things try and get some support with this task as it can be very painful. When my husband died I emptied his closet whilst I was still numb with grief. I was able to make myself hard and detached when I put his clothes in the black bags. I made sure to have no feelings attached to those clothes, and gave them to the Salvation army for other people to use. I knew he was never coming back and so would not need them anymore. When we become attached to things it is harder to part with them. I changed my FOCUS. Often this is the best step forward. Also taking one day at a time. I am still clearing out a lot of things of my husband and also myself so that my children will not have this task. I feel it would be unfair on them to have so much to do. If I do what I can there will be less for others to remove. Changing my FOCUS does help me do the right thing and move forward. But it has taken a long time and grief won't be done for many years. I pace myself. I do a little each day and it gets done. What I can't do I leave. It is all about making a plan and taking a stage at a time that is manageable. Take small steps each day into making small changes in your life. Once you are past the RAW GRIEF you will be able to think more clearly about making a plan for your life. We can make this a fun thing to do each day. Put new things in your life. If you read Lawrence's post's they are amazing. From where Lawrence came to where he is now is A MIRACLE. Lawrence is full of inspiration. He put a plan in place for his life and now he goes and makes it happen. He gets out of the house each day and puts new things in his life and this is what makes his day better. I do this also. All I need is to be able to get out of the house to make myself feel better. When summer comes this will be a good incentive into making better changes in my life.
I know you can do it. Like all of us on this site we encourage each other. We also struggle to make changes by ourselves but once we make the start it gets easier. Best wishes.

Mar 03, 2014
Your mamita
by: Michelle

I lost my 79 year old mother last year just 3 months after I lost my 22 year old daughter. A week before my mother died she just kept saying " Megan needs her grandma" I know my mother died of a broken heart and can not figure out why I have not. I took care of her for years after her stroke but I have not even begun to grieve for her as I can not move forward after the loss of my daughter. I also get mad at Megan as I feel she left me like you feel sometime your mother did. I loved my mother dearly. I was also 47 at the time.
My word to type in to submit my comment is German, my mother was Dutch. I wonder if she is not somehow letting me know she is with me.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. Though you feel alone and trustme I know that feeling, all of us here walk the same path ? Hugs

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