Lost My Dearest Mom to Suicide-

I lost my dearest mom to suicide two month ago. My mom was such a beautiful person, inside and out! She was so healthy that she never ever had to be hospitalized for any sickness. She was a registered nurse who knew how to take care of her health and gives us advise us over our health. I had confidence in her that she would be ok, continuing healthy and happy. Well the big shock came just two month ago, when my sister found my mom cold & lifeless in her house on the day that no one was at home. I am still having the hardest time to accept that this is happening. It has been the worst nightmare since then. Just about two month before she died, my mom complained lightly that the government or someone people were after her to prosecute her for some mistakes she did. Knowing of growing up and at my adult life, I know mom having paranoid personality (overly cautious of everything comes her way). She also loved politics, news or as a topic for conversation. So we thought nothing of serious issues with her. She never showed us serious worries of her thoughts/believes and never alarmed us that she actually is in trouble with her mental thinking. After her complain, we tried to find out if she felt depressed, but her answer was no. To make my story short, now after her passing away, we leant that my mom was mentally ill and was going through psychosis with delusion and hallucination that made her take her life. It breaks me into pieces that I never got a change to care for her illness, to be there for her to get her medical help. The day she died, she left us a note for each of her children, telling us how much she loves us, thanking us for the things we did for her. We all wished we got another chance to tell her that we are the ones who owe her a lot, to thank her a lot for making us who we are today. She also left us a note detailing the reasons for her decision to end her life, that scared her and was real for her …… which was unreal and stuff never happened in reality. I am so broken up into pieces that she will not be with me anymore, can’t see her beautiful smiley face and can’t talk to her, can’t call her. Painful!!! I miss her love, her smile, her kindness, her everything. She was my world. She was my biggest fan. She would have turned 64 next month. My tears seem non-stop and forever will wet my face. Mom, I will never forgive myself for not understanding your pain, not sharing your suffering… I was just too misunderstanding what was going on with you. Mom Love you and miss you so much, and everyday crying since that awful day.

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