LOST MY FATHER, MY EVERYTHING ON NOVEMBER 3, 2009
My dad was my everything. He was so funny and he was always there for me. He took our family on vacations that I will never forget. He loved his family. He loved me the most and called me Baby Jayne. He loved to pull jokes on everybody, everybody loved him.
I just don't know how to go on without him. Nobody loves me the way my dad did. Nobody understands my pain. I get yelled at, told to get over it, etc. What people don't understand is that this is MY loss, not theirs. I realize people lose their parents and grieve, but whenever I try to express my grief, I just get shot down. It's like "just shut the hell up, we are sick of you, we are sick of you being sad, we hate you and we are sick and tired of you". I've been told I am being greedy, not fair to his memory, etc., this really makes me mad.
Nobody knows the communication my dad and I shared. Towards the end, I was forced to not see him every day because "the family doesn't get along". I never spent the last Christmas dinner with him. Do you know how that feels?? It makes me feel like shit. That hurts me so bad that I wasn't there. However, of course, I was there when he passed and it was ugly. I wish I never saw that. I so want to forget it, and I can't. I dream about it, I think about it and it consumes me.
He fought death, he was on hospice and died in a hospital bed at home sitting up. My mom and him were married for 65 years, and his last words were "Jeanne, I am scared" then he died. He was very religious. Where was God then? Where the hell was he???? Why did he have to make my dad scared? We had to push him down, close his eyes and push his hands down. I will never forget that ever, ever. I can't get it out of my mind.
Nobody seems to understand. I had never seen a person pass, and this was a first, and it was somebody whom I loved more than I love my own life. I will never ever be the person I was before I lost him. Nothing matters to me anymore. Life seems not worth living. I don't want to do anything, I don't care about anything, I just don't care. I even go to church every Sunday trying to find an answer, but God ignores me there too. Thanksgiving stunk, xmas is going to be a nightmare, I don't even want to celebrate it. Why do we have a christmas? What is the purpose? I hate life, I hate myself and I hate everybody that comes within a foot of me. My life sucks big time.
Bless your heart, I'm not sure anything I can say will touch the misery you are in right now. I can only say, this just happened to you! Please hang in there, things will eventually get better. And you definitely need some support. Please find a grief counselor or grief support group to help you. We care what happens to you, Jayne, write again to let us know you got some help.