LOST MY FATHER, MY EVERYTHING ON NOVEMBER 3, 2009

by Jayne
(Wilmington, DE)

My dad was my everything. He was so funny and he was always there for me. He took our family on vacations that I will never forget. He loved his family. He loved me the most and called me Baby Jayne. He loved to pull jokes on everybody, everybody loved him.

I just don't know how to go on without him. Nobody loves me the way my dad did. Nobody understands my pain. I get yelled at, told to get over it, etc. What people don't understand is that this is MY loss, not theirs. I realize people lose their parents and grieve, but whenever I try to express my grief, I just get shot down. It's like "just shut the hell up, we are sick of you, we are sick of you being sad, we hate you and we are sick and tired of you". I've been told I am being greedy, not fair to his memory, etc., this really makes me mad.

Nobody knows the communication my dad and I shared. Towards the end, I was forced to not see him every day because "the family doesn't get along". I never spent the last Christmas dinner with him. Do you know how that feels?? It makes me feel like shit. That hurts me so bad that I wasn't there. However, of course, I was there when he passed and it was ugly. I wish I never saw that. I so want to forget it, and I can't. I dream about it, I think about it and it consumes me.

He fought death, he was on hospice and died in a hospital bed at home sitting up. My mom and him were married for 65 years, and his last words were "Jeanne, I am scared" then he died. He was very religious. Where was God then? Where the hell was he???? Why did he have to make my dad scared? We had to push him down, close his eyes and push his hands down. I will never forget that ever, ever. I can't get it out of my mind.

Nobody seems to understand. I had never seen a person pass, and this was a first, and it was somebody whom I loved more than I love my own life. I will never ever be the person I was before I lost him. Nothing matters to me anymore. Life seems not worth living. I don't want to do anything, I don't care about anything, I just don't care. I even go to church every Sunday trying to find an answer, but God ignores me there too. Thanksgiving stunk, xmas is going to be a nightmare, I don't even want to celebrate it. Why do we have a christmas? What is the purpose? I hate life, I hate myself and I hate everybody that comes within a foot of me. My life sucks big time.

Jayne

---------------------

Jayne,
Bless your heart, I'm not sure anything I can say will touch the misery you are in right now. I can only say, this just happened to you! Please hang in there, things will eventually get better. And you definitely need some support. Please find a grief counselor or grief support group to help you. We care what happens to you, Jayne, write again to let us know you got some help.

Kind Regards,
Jennie

Comments for LOST MY FATHER, MY EVERYTHING ON NOVEMBER 3, 2009

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Dec 27, 2009
re:your comment
by: Anonymous

Hi Jayne~
You commented on my entry about my mother that I lost in July. I'm glad you found some common space to what my experience was. It's nice to get comments. Do you mind if I ask your age? Just curious. As I was reading your story I couldn't help but think.....there's a learning experience in everything. Maybe your dad needed to go through what he did...in terms of the journey of the soul. And maybe you do, too.

We can't always tell at the time because we are struggling, but regardless of your religious beliefs, maybe the divine has plans for us, and a lot of light can come out of pain and emptiness.

I don't pretend to understand what that final moment was, watching your dad die in fear, but y'know what?...thank God it's over...he's not scared anymore, nor is he in pain.

I have to remind myself of that over and over again when I miss my mom. Just what she went through and how low her quality of life had become, and how free she is now. As for you, there's no reason you won't be free from grief and pain at some point. It's just brutal when we're in the thick of it.

Sometimes I wonder if the people in my life really are there for me and are trying to be helpful and supportive and I either can't see it, or don't accept it because I'm in my own odd world.

I feel that this is a personal journey that I have to experience as part of this life and to come out the other side. I also know that people want to help and they need to be told what you need directly, and then they'll be happy to do what they can.

I hope your days get lighter, if even a little bit. When I'm really depressed-- and my mom taught me this (thanks mama) write down 5 things you are grateful for. Whether they are big, seemingly pointless or whatever. Trees, cookies, somebody who smiles at you... whatever.... it's very powerful.

Dec 11, 2009
TO JAYNE LOST FATHER IN DE
by: ANN

DEAR JAYNE,
I'M SO VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT HERE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE SUFFERING RIGHT NOW, AND WE CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN, WE KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HURT SO MUCH YOU CAN'T FIND RELIEF IN ANYTHING.

BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN A SHORT TIME. I LOST MY MOM
JULY 2009. I WAS HOLDING HER HAND WITH HER IN MY ARMS WHEN SHE PASSED. I, TOO, HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE WHO PASSED, AND I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO BE IN THAT SITUATION AGAIN. BUT NOW, I'M
GLAD THAT I WAS HOLDING HER. IT WAS THE LAST THING I COULD DO FOR HER.

EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE A FAMILY THAT UNDERSTANDS, YOU HAVE US, AND WE CARE DEEPLY ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU FEEL. TALK ABOUT IT, DO YOUR CRYING, GRIEVE YOUR WAY. IT'S ALRIGHT.
YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH A TRAMATIC EXPERIENCE AND IT WILL TAKE TIME TO GET THROUGH IT. BUT YOU WILL START TO FEEL BETTER SOMEWHERE WITH SOME TIME.

WE LOVE YOU. WE CARE. I'LL BE PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY THAT GOD WILL GIVE THEM THE UNDERSTANDING THEY NEED TO HELP YOU.
MAY GOD SURROUND YOU WITH WARM, HEALING LOVE.
GOD BLESS YOUR HEART.

Dec 11, 2009
to bonnie
by: baby jayne

Bonnie,
When I read your comments on my blog I cried and cried. There is somebody out there who experienced what I experienced! I just feel so sad and have such pain, i.e. wake up crying, when will it end?? I have off today and he is at Veterans Cemetary. I am going to find out what size wreath I am allowed to put on his grave, everything is so military there.

He was a navy man who survived in enemy waters for 9 months on a crippled ship, he was a gunners mate. He said they kissed the ground when they got off the ship. They shot down 21 japanese kamikaze planes after pearl harbor, and they couldn't get out the enemy water. I asked him if he was scared and he said "of course I was scared, I was scared every day for my life".

The ship earned 21 bronze metals. I made a real nice story about him and printed it out, took flowers from his grave and pressed them and framed it all, and I am going to give it to my mom for xmas. My dad was sick for so long- 21 years - heart, strokes, etc., but he always worked, never disability.

I miss him so bad, when I woke up this morning I opened up a drawer I hadn't been in for quite some time, and it was a pic of him with his grandkids. He was soooooo big! My mom had to have his wedding band enlarged when they got married because they didn't make the size that his hands were. But when he died, he was a skinny wrinkly little bit of a thing. I read the scriptures to him every Tuesday. I even miss that.

Thank you for talking to me. I was always his favorite too, which is why it hurts so bad.
Thank you Bonnie. God Bless You.
---Baby jayne

Dec 10, 2009
Baby Jayne
by: Bonnie

Baby Jayne,
I address you that way to bring you comfort and to remind you that you were the apple of your Daddy's eyes. Your Daddy's special feelings for you were also God's feelings for you. God sends His Love to us through mortals.

Last November, I laid my head on my gravely ill daddy's chest and listened to his heart beat. He loved me and my 3 sisters, but he always expected the most of me. Why? Because I could do it. I could figure out the accounting, I could be unemotional when I had to be, if I failed (he loved me anyway - I am the only divorced one of my sisters) he loved me anyway.

Your special place in your daddy's heart was because you have special qualities that you don't even recognize. Take a moment and list all your expectional qualities. You have them for a reason. You may lift someone up or encourage someone to be more than they thought they could be. Take a deep breathe and realize that the next 12 months will be a time of learning and acceptance. You may be sitting here in front of the computer next year at this time sending comfort to someone who has lost their everything.

You must continue on because that is the legacy that your Daddy saw in you. Baby Jayne, when Christmas day arrives just think of the peace your Daddy is experiencing in the presence of Jesus. He's waiting there for you, when your time comes to join him. When Spring arrives and everything is green, remember your Daddy's smile. Before you know it, time has no boundaries. You will always and forever be in your Daddy's love through our Lord.

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