Lost my first born son at age 35

by MARTHA
(North Augusta, SC)


I lost my first-born son at age 35 in June of 2013. My son was a very successful young architect who had just been made a partner a year ago and had just married 16 months before his death. He left his suicide note apparently he and his wife were having problems. I had no idea he was in that much pain. He was a high achiever and always did well at everything he attempted in life. My pain although now dulled a little with time was so severe that I contemplated joining him. However, I have a younger son and a husband who needs me and whom I love greatly. I miss my boy so much!

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Jan 27, 2014
ROBBIE
by: MARTHA

Robbie, you have my deepest sympathy. No parent should have to go through the loss of a child for any reason. I too had trouble at first just coping with day to day living. I hit rock bottom about 4 months after my son's death and needed to see a therapist who put me on some medication for depression. It has helped tremendously. I am also lucky to have many supportive friends and family. NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND the pain of losing a child unless they experience it...when people tell me they understand, I say NO YOU DON'T AND A HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO. Rely on those around you family and friends and stop searching for answers...you will wear yourself out. I questioned everything, and I now know that there was nothing more I could have done. Don't beat yourself up about it. Take care of yourself and just take life one day at a time. I am here if you need to talk. I promise you it will get better although you will always miss your son...
HUGS...

Jan 27, 2014
how do you carry on
by: robbie

i lost my son 4th august 2013.i have struggled as still waiting for coroner to make decision.gone through lots of stages went to work and had to go to dr as wasnt coping .ask myself could i have done more .my son had job just finished doing up bungalow and should have been here as wanted to travel was with him on saturday on sunday was gone .did i miss something got through funeral and now just feel im falling apart .i know its hard and unless someone has been through it they dont understand so my thoughts go out to you all .as at moment i still have no closure or answers

Jan 25, 2014
Recent Loss
by: Anonymous

To the mother that just lost her son my prayers go out to you and your family. I know there are not even words to describe the dark hole you have been thrown into. You are obviously looking for support and help in trying to cope the best you can with your tremendous loss. As you have probably read from some of the other readers here, it takes time. You can't look to far ahead right now. I Do understand you just want the Pain you are going through to STOP. Coming to this site can be helpful. Your pain is very raw and I hope you have someone that you can talk to near you. I know most areas have Support Groups. Take it one day at a time. If that becomes to hard, then hour to hour. There are several books on coping with Grief available. There are no shortcuts around the grief and the pain that comes with losing a child. Just remember you aren't alone.

Keep coming here and just know that most of us here are Survivors of Loss. I myself have been a survivor for over four years. When I lost my daughter I thought I would NEVER smile again, or feel anything but pain. I do smile now and have found strength I never knew I had. Your life will never be the same but it isn't over. Be kind to yourself and seek out the support you need.

God Bless you.

Jan 25, 2014
ONE DAY AT A TIME...
by: Martha

You go on one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. Everything you are feeling is normal with such a tremendous loss as you have suffered..let yourself grieve and give yourself time. It is not easy..but you will feel better with time and the pain will lessen. I don't think we ever get over the death of a child, we just learn to cope. The grieving process is a long one and allow yourself the time you need to grieve and speak of your son with others who knew him. The people who have the most trouble with grief are the ones who keep it in and don't acknowledge it. I wish I could make it easier for you...you are in my prayers...from another Mom grieving her son..

Jan 25, 2014
SO SORRY
by: Anonymous

Anonymous

You lost your first born son this past Wednesday? You must still be dealing with funeral arrangements, etc...I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly where you are at in your grief and you have a long road ahead. The pain will lessen with time but you will always miss him. It has been 7 months for me and I still think of my son every day and regret what should have been...I have been able to go on with my life thanks to friends, family and my other son and my husband. Reach out to those around you, loved ones, friends and neighbors; you need them at this time. Take time for yourself and let yourself grieve. You have to grieve for your son, for as long as it takes...you are in my prayers... HUGS..

Jan 25, 2014
I just lost my first born son
by: Anonymous

On Wednesday, I lost my first born son. If there is a way out of hell my life has become, please let me know. I miss him with all my heart and soul. How do you go on?

Jan 25, 2014
Lost my first born son at age 35
by: Doreen UK

Martha I wanted to expand my post to you from picking up what you said in one of your replies. You said that your other son 28yrs. is not close to his father due to remarriage. This is always a concern for a mother. My nephew who died had a step-father he did not get on with. And with no job, home or future he suffered depression and was calling out for help but no one heard him. Not even the Mental Health services who were stretched and had no funding. My nephew at age 30yrs. threw himself in front of an express train. My sister was so broken she could not get up. She had to have a counsellor come to her home and support her. 8yrs. on she is coping and smiling again through her broken heart which will be this way forever. A mother will never recover from the loss of her child/adult child. She will just learn to live with it in time. You will wear yourself out if you try to convince your husband that your pain of losing your son is not the same as losing a mother and father. Not everyone will understand the pain you are going through and mostly the people that are closest to you. A mother carries her child for 9 months inside her and forges a strong bond that can't be broken even by death. But death crushes that bond which is why it is so painful. A man/father cannot have the same experience. I have often said on this site. The pain makes one feel as if the umbilical cord was never cut. Our children will always be attached to us, even if they go onto live their own independent lives. Which is also why the empty nest also hurts. I started a course in bereavement and didn't finish it due to having an operation. I didn't go back but I do understand the dynamics of counselling and the loss of a child as being the worst pain a mother can go through. Seeing a counsellor whilst being an individual decision has many benefits to those struggling with grief. Only God can fix the problems we can't. I put my Faith and Trust in God each day to get me through my grief and to hold on to life when it seems that all Hope is gone. Most of us find ourselves in a helpless and hopeless place with grief but knowing that God Heals will give us the Hope to go on each day if only for those we have left and who need us. I wish you better days ahead and understanding people to come alongside you and walk with you through this long journey of grief we are all on. Best wishes.

Jan 24, 2014
Doreen UK
by: Martha

Doreen Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story with me. It is heartbreaking that you have lost your husband, your son and a nephew. My son was a very private person and at 35 had been living on his own for 13 years...we kept in touch by email but as we lived about 500 miles apart we only saw each only twice a year. However, he did not even confide in his closest friends and everyone was devastated...It hurts so much that my child was in pain and we could not see it, but as you say I have no control over my son's destiny. I can only remember the good times we had and the wonderful, beautiful person he was, yes very successful, very witty, personable and loved by many....I have another younger son and a husband whom I love very much so I am blessed in that way. HUGS!

Jan 24, 2014
Lost my first born son at age 35
by: Doreen UK

Martha I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved son at such a young age. He was in the prime of his life and so successful. To have trained and gone through much study is so sad to have ended this way. Your son was in a very vulnerable place, but still private enough to set boundaries to take care of his own struggles. It is not easy for most men to open up and talk about their struggles. My son shared his struggles with me. I carried so much of his pain. Rushed to the hospital when he tried to kill himself over his girlfriend he loved deeply. My husband was dying of cancer at the time but made the journey to rescue his son. But now my husband has died of cancer 20 months ago, my son has gone also. I feel a double loss now.
We can only carry so much sorrow for another person, and allow them the time and space they need to process their own destiny. This is the hardest part of dealing with someone we have lost to suicide. Memories will always haunt us of why we couldn't save them. My nephew had no job, no home, and no prospects for his future and couldn't fight a battle he found was bigger than he could cope with. His life ended in tragedy. I gave 8yrs, of my life to voluntary work in the sector of mental health to help support other's in pain. I saw so much sorrow that didn't crush me but made me a stronger person to support those in depression and suicide. I survived suicide myself and know the mind and the pain a person is in. My heart nevertheless breaks for all those still suffering and to those who will end their lives each day. May God come and rescue you from your pain and grief and rescue all those in crisis and who can't hang on to life. May God reach down and Save them. I am sorry for your loss.

Jan 24, 2014
Lost my 23 year old son over 2 years ago.
by: Anonymous

Hello, to everyone that has shared. My heart goes out to you all. I believe it is very common for bereaved parents to have suicidal thoughts after the death of their child; especially in the first year or two.

The loss is so painful and the energy required to 'keep going' is excruciatingly tedious. The only way through it I believe ; is to practise "One day at a time" motto or when times are very hard "one hour at a time."

I found the 2nd year to be actually worse than the first, but thankfully I am in a 'better place' now, although I still have some dark days.

Belonging to a bereaved parents support group has been essential for my recovery. I am extremely grateful for their support, knowledge and friendship. I am actually able to 'give back' a little to the new members, as they come through the door for the first time as I have some 'experience' to offer them.

We did not plan for this and it is hard to make sense of what has happened. We will all learn from our grief journey. It will have a profound effect on the rest of our lives.


Jan 23, 2014
DIANNE
by: MARTHA

Dianne thank you for sharing your story about losing your son Paul in July last year; my son died on 6/29/2013 so yours must have been close to the same time frame. I was on auto pilot for the first 4 months and don't remember much about that time except for the overwhelming pain, grief and sadness. With the help of some medication and a good therapist, I am in a much better place now but the grief remains. People think there is a time limit to it and I should be "getting on with my life". I want to say to them "if your child was gone, how would you get on with your life" but I don't. I just grieve on my own...you are in my prayers...HUGS...

Jan 23, 2014
Olgie and Anonymous
by: Martha

Thank you so much for letting me know about losing your sons as well. One of you said your son died in July and the other said it had been 9 months. I too have a younger son who is 28 and devastated by the loss of his only sibling, his older brother. My boys were not close to their father (we are both remarried) and if something happened to me, my younger son would have no one close to him. Also I am newly married almost 2 years ago and my husband means so much to me...I could not compound their grief by adding to it...I understand what you say about functioning but with a deep sadness. I just wish I could make my husband understand that losing a child is different than any other loss. He keeps comparing it to his parents who died at an elderly age. I lost my parents too, my Dad at age 84 in 2010 and my mother 11 months later in 2011 and I grieve for them but they lived long full lives and it is not the same as seeing your child die. It is not natural for a child to die before a parent...he had so much more living to do...I understand your pain and I know that no one else understands unless they too experience it and that is a sad group to be in. HUGS! You have helped me today!

Jan 23, 2014
martha
by: dianne

I had to write as I followed your path a month later I lost my firstborn son age 21 was the worst time the first couple of months I still feel an emptiness in my life but I also have his younger brother who I had to carry on for .I found this site and it helped me as I knew I was not the only one living the nightmare my son Paul is in my thoughts every single day I will always have an emptiness in my heart but same time will hold the love for him my thoughts are with you and your family one day t a time is what I am doing I am surviving and we just learn to hide our grief a little better remembering the good times I shared and the laughter we shared helps me hug from one mum to another take care Martha and all the best for the future x

Jan 23, 2014
Your son
by: Kate

I'm deeply sad this happened. I lost my son at 39 Nov. 2012
I don't know how I have gone on. The forest year is so many emotions,shock anger,pain, hurt, sorrow- very hard!! I know about not wanting to be here but I too have others who need me but it is so overwhelming that we don't want to feel it ,this is why we think that way,it's too painful to live with! Somehow we do it,I beg God for help. We are weak and crushed so be easy on yourself and talk about it,get the grief out of you. On this site we understand and don't want to but we do. My heart goes out to you and your family. It's hard. Care for you all in this note.

Jan 23, 2014
First Born
by: Olgie

I echo your pain...I echo your thoughts...I lost my only child in March 2013. I too am trying to survive this nightmare...Therapy is all I can ask you to do...one to one therapy.

Jan 23, 2014
your first born son
by: Anonymous

Yes I know how hard it is to keep living. I lost my first born son as well. And there were days, especially in the beginning (its been 9 months) that I just wanted to drive my car off the road. But I too have a family, and a mom who was devasted by my son's death. I can't imagine her grief if I went too. I also use to worry about getting old and dying, but I don't much anymore. My son, like yours, was a healthy and bright young man, but in the end, he could not live with his demons. Its even harder when its a mental health issue. Many times I feel responsible, or that I could have helped him. That said, I have days that I'm happy and I'm functioning and getting on with life, but with a profound sadness in my heart. Take care and try to get through each day.

Jan 23, 2014
THANKS VICKI AND MICHELLE
by: MARTHA

Thanks so much for your comments Vicki and Michelle...I don't know how I got through the first 4 or 5 months after my son died...I was like on auto pilot. I had lost my parents in 2010 and 2011 but nothing prepares anyone for the loss of your child, no matter what age they are...It is indescribable pain and heartache as you 2 unfortunately know as well. Thank you for helping me through this tremendous journey; we are all here to help each other...HUGS!

Jan 23, 2014
So Sorry...
by: Vickie

Martha, I was getting ready to log out of my email and off my computer for the night. I noticed the email from the recover from grief site. To be honest I seldom come here now but something tugged at me to this evening. I just read your story and I am so very, very, sorry for the loss of your son. I came to this wonderful site about three yr's ago after losing my twenty-six yr. old daughter in a car accident. This site was a lifeline for me at a time when I felt very much like you do. Like you, I knew I could never do such a thing because I have another daughter and family they still need me. They had already endured enough Hell and I couldn't inflict more. I believe we all want to die after losing our child because the pain is almost unbearable. I never thought I would get through the first week, month, the first year, etc..but I have. It will be five yr's this September since my daughters passing. I Miss her just as much as I did that first awful day it all happened. My days are far from perfect but I am managing okay and have days that I find myself smiling and wanting to be here.

It is a hard road to be on but keep coming here and talking. I was very blessed to have met a couple of very wonderful friends here. One special friend that has been more supportive and caring than I ever expected. Reach out and don't be afraid to share your pain and what your feeling. We all know here how lonely it can feel and how sometimes you feel like no one really gets it. Sometimes friends and family mean well but don't always know how to help.

You are in my prayers.

God Bless You.

p.s. Here is my email if you would like to contact me. vjh829@yahoo.com



Jan 22, 2014
First born
by: Michelle

I understand that pain and that overwhelming feeling of wanting to join your child. Upon the death of my daughter I prayed, wished,begged and pleaded for death but it never came. I was certain I would die of a broken heart. One year has passed Nd I simply exist.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Hugs

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