Lost my gram- I was neglectful

I lost my grammy on March 1, 2011. I lived an hour away and rarely got home and rarely called. Sadly, I am 45 yrs old. When I was 11 my family moved to be closer to my grandma because my grandpa had died. I stayed over night and my mom noticed I had the sniffles and she said that it must be that now that we lived in a new house my grams old house bothered my allergies. I never stayed overnight at my grams again. She loved me more than anything and I was always punishing her for my sadness and loneliness. I don't think that changed during my entire life. I never have had any friends, and gram was a lonely person. She would call me in my 20s when I was alone and miserable crying that she too was lonely and miserable and I would feel so angry that people did not like me. I had no compassion so I did not take her out to dinner did not go to her apt to watch tv with her. She bought every car I ever owned.

In the last seven years I put work before her and a festival I worked at. I also always thought my car was dying so I could not make it home a mere 75 miles away. Then I got unemployed and I had 2.5 years of paid free time to spend with her. But again I thought my car was dying, my mom offered to come and get me but I felt embarrassed and ashamed at my age to need help from my mom. I also was not doing my daily spiritual practice and had not been doing it for years. So, I also could not see that I could take a bus, because I had to go to the next town and I did not feel like I could ask people for rides. So for the last 2 years of grammy's I sat in my apartment angry I do not have friends, angry my parents did not help me to get home to see gram (even though mom offered, she would take long trips every weekend but never come in my directions, in a heartbeat if I asked she would have but I just wanted to be angry that she did not come down and could not long of the solution I just gossiped and criticized her to people), angry that my people in my life were not available to ask for a ride(though one friend offered to bring me all the home, but her husband had cancer and I felt guilty asking her so instead I was angry with my other friend who was unemployed for not offering to give me a ride.) I have a therapist but I did not in the beginning of being unemployed and the one friend I do have would know all these things but is passive and useless like me.

My gram adored me and because she had gotten so old she believed it was impossible for me to get home. In her younger years she would have sent my mom to get me, but a friend of mine said she did not want to burden mom and the truth is if I had told mom or gram I wanted to go home they would have got me all the time. But I am passive, I had a learning disability that puts me a tiny bit in the autism spectrum and it impairs my ability to initiate activity so I am extremely passive. When I pray meditate daily this get better but I had been refusing to do it for a decade because I have a high IQ but stink at work and am stuck in low paying jobs and I thought there was nothing worse than that so I bailed on god in a fit of anger.

Also I was so angry with people and caught up in my pain of not having friends I did not call gram either, I was too sad and angry all the time. I thought the reason I had no friends was that I am a little like someone with autism, not really autistic but emotionally ignorant. But now I can see it is because I always rejected gram's love because it was not the friends or the good job I thought I wanted. I now know I could not have friends when I rejected this tremendous outpouring of love, the universe/god/goddess is not going to send you something better if you do not take care of what you have.

Because I was such a failure socially and professionally I did not tell her a lot about my life. So we had not real intimacy, I never asked her for advice like my mom and sis did because I was ashamed about the problems I had, she would have been honored if I had.

I miss her and cant believe how my anger and resentment and self pity robbed me of being with her helping her with her declining health as mom was super neglectful and absent. I keep imagining I said yes when mom asked me if i wanted her to come down so I could see gram more(like what was I thinking the whole time I was working I complained bitterly about not having time to see my grandmother). It was like I was in this weird not thinking place. And I spent mega hours shut in my house, I am agoraphobic, but when I am doing my spiritual practice I am a lot less so and I would have been able to see my way clear to getting home or telling my parents how much I wanted to come home. Now it is all too late. We put the funeral for two months and now I have to go home and hear people say that I was all she ever thought about and talked about.

I spent the last two weeks with her in the nursing home after she had a stroke and people say that is important. But my dad had offered me job back in my home town when I lost mine and now I realize how fulfilling it would have been to go home for a few months and spend time with gram and again, I wondered where I would live because both of my parents have a lot of personality problems, my father can be 'rude to me and my mother's husband wakes saying the "f" word about everything and screams and hollers about my turning to CC on the TV because I am hard of hearing, so I was afraid about where I could stay but I never said anything, I just thought about it all in my head.

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