Lost my huband of 45 years a month ago.

by Kareen
(Vancouver, Canada)

I just lost my husband of 45 years and it is hard to know he will never come through the door again.
The first few days, I didn't want to live any longer, but then I got busy with the Funeral home, bank, land title change and paying our bills for the first time in my entire life and I realized I am capable to manage.
It is a lonely life and at my age, I know this will be the way for the rest of my life.
2 weeks after he died I was desperate to get help and joined a widow group and that was a blessing.
There I found people who have gone through it and understand. We meet every 3rd Wed. and have outings in small groups like a breakfast meeting every Saturday, the odd dinner and even a movie night which I haven't joined yet, but reaching out helps a lot.
In one month, I have managed to cash in a life insurance policy, my husbands credit card cancelled and applied for part of a pension that is available for widows in Canada.
Since my husband was very ill for several years, the house needed some work, but I had installed a new Water Heater, had new Gutters installed on the house and all that kept me pretty busy without going mad.
My advise is, keep busy to get over the first little while. The hurt will probably never go away and I will miss my husband forever, but it does make you feel better to be self sufficient .

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Apr 24, 2014
I lost my husband of. 45 years
by: Rita

I lost my beautiful husband of 45 years 2 months ago. I can't seem to breath without him. I'm self sufficient and gave my husband a funeral I know he would love. None of that makes my grief any less painful. Yes I am raw only two months out, but there will never be a rainbow to look at without my husband to share it with. We share all the same memories, he's my story. I read a post a woman suffering the loss of her husband as feeling like half of her is amputated, it's true. I feel the sane. Hospice has been an awesome resource, but when the day ends, I'm alone. There is no recovering a love that grew over 45 years. My best friend lost her husband five months ago. I do have her back and she has mine. I get up everyday and look forward to going to sleep at night. I have two daughters and three granddaughters. As another woman said, they have their own lives. My heart goes out to all the woman who lost their spouse. What an enormous cross we carry. Thanks for the opportunity to express my grief.

Oct 07, 2013
loss of husband
by: Mari

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. It sure is hard to go through. It sounds like you are doing the right things.Staying busy is the best thing you can do and it helps with the healing process. No doubt those widows all feel their losses keenly. Everybody handles grief differently.
As time passes you will find yourself feeling better. Look at all you have accomplished thus far.
This board has been a great help with all these wonderful people having gone through what we have. Time is what is needed.
Nov 22nt will be 4 years since my husband passed away. I still miss him but stay busy with work and church and here on the complex.The roses my husband planted are blooming like mad, red, white, pink and orange roses. It is like a sign from heaven.Someone asked if they could have some and I said yes and they took every rose. The next day they were all back blooming again.I am amazed.
The numerous grandchildren missed him so much as he was sure a good grandpa. I am sorry he did not get to see the 2 1/2 yer old great grandbaby.
God is good and our loved ones are safe with him. Take care and keep posting. Mari

Oct 07, 2013
husband died 21 Sept 2013
by: mandy NZ

your story has some similarities. My husband died from sudden heart attack, fit as however had a heriditary condition he never knew of. I met him when i was 14 and we were together for 32 years. I too never had to touch a broom, weed gardens, mow lawns or do any 'man' chores. My husband was a perfectionist and everything he had was 'in its place'. I went into our garage to have a look to clean up the other day, and this was spic and span, you could probably eat off the ground, thats how spotless he left everything. Today is the first day i have tried to do 'man' jobs ie weedkilling, hosing out the patio, pulling some weeds. When i was doing this, i was saying out loud to my husband, sorry if this isnt as good as you do, but i will try my best. Ive also decided too, that any heavy/hard jobs, i will just hire someone to do this. I miss my husband so much, i wanted and still want to be with him, but know i have to carry on for our children and grandchildren. I go back to work on 29 October and went into work today, just to have morning team with the staff, so both they and I dont feel awkward when i start back. I plan to do this 2 days a week. I also start my grieving counselling this Wednesday. Nights are the worse, as we would sit down or he would lay on my lap while i watched TV. All i can do is await until i met my darling again.

Sep 30, 2013
loss of husband
by: Mari

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. You are doing the right thing by staying busy and having people you can talk to.It takes time to deal with a loss as you have had but God will see you through. It is a day at a time process.There are a lot of wonderful people on this site to give you encouragement.
The grieving time is different for everyone and each handle it in their own way.I chose to keep working and attending church and am doing alright but still miss my husband.It will be 4 years on Nov 22nt. He had a heart condition. I look at his picture and think of how handsome he was and wonderful, how he adored his grandchildren. He would be a great grandpa had he lived to 2 yr old Aubree. Each baby was adored by him.Grandpa denied them nothing.My parents loved him too.
Well God took him knowing he was suffering.
Keep posting. We care for you.

Sep 30, 2013
lost my husband
by: Anonymous--MI

To Karen and Doreen---thank you both for posting words of good advice while you both are still grieving. My husband died of SCA Nov. 2012 and the past 10 months have been something that I could not have imagined before his death. I, like you both have tried to keep busy. I never did chores outside the house such as lawn mowing, trimming and taking care of our pool. I began slowly and did what I was able to do and when I cannot do a job I then hire it done. I am only a breath away each moment from breaking down and crying and this I do, especially at night. My longing for my love, my best friend only increases each day. But, there is hope that I must continue on and complete my race that God has set before me so that when I die I will see my husband again. I wish you both and all on this site peace and a slow but loving mending of a broken heart and God is our hope in this.

Sep 30, 2013
Lost my husband of 45 years a month ago.
by: Doreen UK

Kareen I am sorry for your loss of your husband of 45yrs.
You have done well to be so positive after one month. I lost my husband of 44yrs. almost 17 months ago to a rare deadly cancer caused by working with asbestos. He died slowly over 3yrs. and I cared for him. My grief started on the day of diagnosis. Like yourself I was so busy doing the funeral, attending to the load of paperwork closing bank accounts, pensions and all the bill paying. Then my grief set in. I found this grief site and this saved me from depression and I have been here ever since. But in the initial days I took to the couch and nurtured myself with TV. I lost all motivation to do anything. I slowly took one job a day then two and some days couldn't do this. But it was a start. But nurturing myself for these 6 months with TV and grief books and this site helped me immensely. It is good to be busy but not so busy that one puts off grief. It then gets stored up and is much worse later on. Better to let the crying come when it does. I felt better each time after a good cry. I couldn't do anything for the first 6 months due to having to nurse my husband for over 3yrs. and watching him die slowly was a hard and painful journey with cancer. But I am recovering from grief. The loss will be remembered forever with sadness. But not so overwhelming that it stops me going through each day. I took ONE DAY AT A TIME. This helps immensely.
I have so many house problems to deal with now. Because my husband worked for his 47yrs. working life all over the world and our country I ran the house and did all the bill paying and getting the work done. So this wasn't a problem for me when my husband died. But I miss his input and advice. I miss that daily interaction. I am not confident using a hammer drill on my own without my husband's support so I have to pay to have this work done. But I have accomplished so much in the 17 months after the loss of my husband. My husband would be proud of what I have achieved on my own. I wish he was here to see it. Most of the work done we would have done together as he was a carpenter and I was his labourer/wife. I learnt so much from him and enjoyed working with him for our 44yrs marriage. So often we do find we have the tools we need to go on in life and tackle some things. The rest we have to sort out in time. Thank you for your encouragement. Best wishes .

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