lost my Husband after Frontal Lobe Brain Cancer surgery he just never was the same he wanted to destroy me!

by Irene
(Canada)

This is very difficult to write,
I am a wife, my husbands personality started changing during our marriage due to his Frontal lobe brain tumour/Cancer. He could not keep a job and lost many ,he told strange super hero tales and bizarre victim stories to me and our friends. He was blacking out and having seizures then we found out his diagnosis… everything finally made sense !  The episodes he had prior to surgery  were short lived he would call people and say inappropriate things  … I was always able to calm him down and bring him back to reality.  This is why Dr. F would not let him work as he said he would do things to jeopardize his reputation. Unfortunately, it was my reputation he was ruining .

I have love letters from him, up until the day he walked out of my life in a psychotic episode. I believe what he thinks in his mind is real to him and his Father has manipulated him against me. He would tell me His Father was always concerned about his money and Lawrence would tell me he wished his Father would stop calling. Lawrence never liked his Father or so he told me of extreme abuse he experienced from him.

The Surgeon in town did not want to operate but my Husband pushed for Surgery and found a Surgeon in Calgary to do it. They only got out about 70% of the tumour out and the part they  got was calcified and had to have been there for  a long time.

Nothing prepared me for how he became after surgery : very Paranoid, aggressive, inappropriate and violent toward me. I was the one who was with him every step of the journey.I would ask his family to help me but Lawrence would tell them a different story blaming me.No one would help me…. I tried to get his Son to help me but Lawrence told him Cancer Care and his Lawyer were involved and he needs to stay out of it…I was exhausted from lack of sleep and worry. He accused me of having men come into our bedroom and constantly made me defend myself. He would rant at me accusing me of saying things I did not say. He would see something on Television and thing it really happened and blame me for doing things.

We did have a blog and the last post was April 29th.(a week before he walked out of my life for good ) He did love me and he adored me right up to the surgery. I will never forget our private moments before surgery he begged God to keep him with me …I treasure those moments in my heart.

Before surgery , we went to church and prayed together in the morning and I prayed over him every night we sought counsel from our Pastor . I begged Doctors to give us supports

I suffered greatly during this time trying to help my Husband but his mind could not register my efforts and he became paranoid of me. Dr. F tried to help us but he would not let him speak to me any more. I followed Dr. F directions and then my Husband cut me out of his healthcare even though I had power of Attorney and health care Directive . Dr. F and the others could no longer talk to me. I was left out completely!
My Husband would constantly call people to come rescue him and two weeks after brain surgery a Social worker upon hearing one of his victim stories at Cancer care told him to go to a lawyer and protect himself and this is where it all started. This Social worker is the same one whom told me when I asked her for help, that I would probably get a divorce as it would be to difficult to handle. At first, He did not want a divorce only to get the money out of our marriage and force me to sell our home. He gave me this choice ! Before surgery ,he told me he was completely satisfied with our life then reaffirmed this again when he came to his senses  just a week before he left me for good.

My Husband was never the same when we came back from Calgary after the surgery. His Family were never close to him during our marriage including his children. From what  his son told me his Dad was behaving schizophrenic and that even his Mother told him before she died that something was wrong with him. He and his Daughter had problems long before I came into their life she was always beating on him and he was always yelling at her. I did my best to help them so did my kids and Family  …He now blames me for this but I did everything I could even begging his children to spend time with him.  He told me his Father from Victoria B.C. made everything about his money and told my husband to divorce me even told him if he did not… he would never speak to him again.
My Husband adored me we had a magical relationship until he started showing signs of his illness ,He would either be the biggest victim wanting to be rescued or a Super Hero saving the world. One day, my story will be told but not now as my prayers are for his health . What I endured no one should have to face in a lifetime. The attack to my character in so many hurtful ways along with my complete heartbreak was devastating. He also walked away from all our friends and my family he was close with. I ,and others wrote letters to his Doctors for help… I even tried to get the Health Minister to help. He had  his family speak against me based on his invented stories. He reinvented himself to new Doctors and social workers as a victim . He is very intelligent and highly manipulative. I also blame his Father for his involvement in pushing me out of his life.  I was forced to get a Lawyer but tried to get my husband help but it was impossible as He could pull it together . We are now going to be divorced and I have accepted it . I prayed a million prayers for my Husband to come to his senses and remember our life.

The privacy act separating husband and wife two weeks after Brian surgery is just wrong. He did his will (we had planned trust funds for children and told them of this)and Power of Attorney/ Healthcare directive  weeks before surgery.  His Lawyer took power of Attorney away from me a couple weeks after surgery even after I wrote to her letters asking her to ethically reconsider what she is doing he just had brain surgery, is wrong.
Giving POA to his brother,who my Husband told his Doctor his Brother is crazy and cannot get information on his care, is wrong.  Then my Husband came to his senses late April and changed POA back to me apologized to everyone told his Family it was  his disease making him hurt me the woman he loves . POA went back and forth and no one questioned this!
The day before he walked out of my life for good May 8th:  He met with our children to apologize for what he did to me. We met with our Pastor and my Husband told him he was so sorry to have hurt me so badly. He cried to me begging me to help him.
Then on May 9th, we had a dinner date planned for that evening…  he had a psychotic episode in the morning,  raged violently at me and then switch up instantly crying like a baby calling back his Lawyer saying he was scared and next thing I knew I heard he was in a mens shelter.

From there he invented himself as an abused husband. I believe the social worker from cancer care is responsible for this.  He said I controlled him that he never had money or could not do anything …He told people I stole his money and I was violent and would not let him have friends or Family even that I alienated his children. He wanted to destroy me and only by the grace of God did I survive this.
I loved him and endured so much until he just walked out of my life and made me spend now over $50,0000. on legal fees . I did not work during our marriage and he walked away taking all the income and kicked me off his healthcare. I had to go into my assets to live and pay all the bills and take care of our huge property by myself. I went down to 93 pounds…

No one would help me, the Social worker at Cancer care black balled me according to his story. She never once tried  talking to me or us together even though I wrote many letters asking for help. He used his Family to verify his stories when they were not in our life .  He was able to manipulate everyone. He would send out emails apologizing to everyone then later tell his Family I went into his email and wrote and sent the letter. He told his children I was trying to take all the money from them and that I said bad things about his deceased wife. This devastated me.
When we first dated and came together He told me and everyone that He and his previous wife were getting divorced before she got sick and died because she was violent and he was a victim that she took all his money (now almost the same story he is saying about me) . I often wonder about this!

The good news is I have not heard anything bad he is saying about me in the last few months and I do not want to stir the pot. He also seems to be living a normal life from what I hear.

I loved my husband more than life and he adored me until this horrible disease changed the man and I could not stop it . It is such a tragedy that no one in the medical field would help me and the amount of suffering I endured should never happen to anyone. I could not even hear how he is doing  as no one was allowed to talk to me. His Family completely turned against me yet I have letters up until after  the surgery thanking me saying how good a job I did taking care of my Husband.
I apologize for the condensed version and how  overwhelming a story it is,  it is still very hard for me to tell.
Our Divorce is being filed and it is not my doing...



Comments for lost my Husband after Frontal Lobe Brain Cancer surgery he just never was the same he wanted to destroy me!

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Apr 12, 2014
No Weapon Formed against you will Prosper
by: Doreen UK

Irene I read your post again and I feel so sad for you having had to go through such an ordeal. When you believe in God and try to live a good life and do the right thing you will be afflicted.
My husband had ENCEPHALITIS in 2005. I had to mount a battle at the Top in the U.K. where I live. I had to go to our Primary Care Trust, and also to The Healthcare Commission. A battle that Challenged our G.P.'s medical negligence and lies. This disease causes many to go into a coma for around 6 weeks and when they wake up they are left with varying degrees of Brain Injury. My husband was never the same after this. But he was one of the fortunate one's who was PRAYED OVER and made good recovery with minor residual disability. Then in 2009 we get the worst news ever. My husband had a rare and serious lung cancer which was terminal from working with a dangerous substance ASBESTOS. He had this tumour growing slowly for 40yrs. In some it can take up to 60yrs. to develop. He had high exposure. We went through a painful gruelling Cancer journey. Failure to receive good medical care. Not given pain medication. I had to fight again. I was tired and worn out. God gave me tremendous strength to cope. Onlookers couldn't believe what care I gave my husband. But it was God who gave me the ability to care for him the way I did. Steve's Cancer spread. He became aggressive and miserable and he was hard to live with. I had to walk out of the room, have a good cry and come back and nurse him. I had no proper support except God. God gave me the strength to not walk away. My husband died almost 2yrs. ago. I still live with the pain of so much neglect and pain that is hard to recover from. I was then up against my husband's family. He knew they would be difficult. Unhappy I inherited the home we built up for 44yrs. of our marriage. The story is too long to tell. But briefly my nieces put a curse on our home so that I would have so many repairs I would become confused about what to do first and I would run out of money. This is exactly what is happening. I have spent so much money on repairs to the home and it is not ending. I have 5 jobs at a time to deal with tradesmen. So it doesn't pile up. I have to fix the house for my daughter so she has a home with less to do, when I pass away.
Irene you are FREE now from all this trouble with your husband and his family. Perhaps this is God's Way of protecting and delivering you. I hope you can now build a life for yourself and find the courage to put this nightmare behind you. I know it isn't fair. Release yourself into God's care. I wish you better things in Life. Best wishes. Remember. "NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST YOU WILL PROSPER."

Apr 12, 2014
Irene
by: Judith in California

Dear Irene, someone should have told you from the start that brain injuries do this to a person. I know because My husband fell and fractured his skull. After that he becaame more gentle.. Mostly. Then in a snap of a finger he'd accuse me of cheating on him and tell me I treated him like S--t or create a scene in public. I told him I was caring for him everyday, all day an had no time to have an affair and that I was taking excellent care of him and loved him. Then back to " let me buy you diamond bracelet", of which I never did because I knew he could switch in a second. I was his caregiver for 3 1/2 years due to his brain dysfunction and having to take certain medicines for his parkinson's disease. I read up on things and found out his meds and the brain injury changes them ...for the worse. He went through terrible episodes of sundowning that left me totally exhausted. He then accused me of stealing his money of which was in both of our names so I had to take him to the bank and prove to him it was still there and he demanded he wanted it right now. I told the banker and my husband in a very soft voice that in no way was she to give the money to him as he had an illness and was having an episode. I had her show him all his records of deposit and withdrawal and the balance. That seemed to calm him. He eventually became incapable of doing anything for him self so I took over being his legs, ams and all the things a caregiver does down to toileting him and cleaning him.

It is the character of the illness . I'm sure when you think about it you may realize he did not have intent to do any of this, especially destroy you. It does appear other folks took advantage of his vulnerability and was easily swayed to do anything they suggested.

I told a sales person to not sell model cars to my husband because he began having a compulsion to have modle cars. That too was a part of his illness. The salesperson just told him he didn't have the particular car he wanted after I explained to him the compulsion.

I feel your pain of having to go through all the hell you did.

My husband passed 3 1/2 years ago and while I miss him terribly and still have the love for him I am at peace that God did the right thing in taking him home.

I pray you will find peace emotionally and the strength to carry on and learn to care for you and become content .

Apr 12, 2014
Thank you
by: Irene

Thank you kindly for your words of comfort God is Good!

Apr 12, 2014
to Jill
by: Irene

Jill,
I am so sorry to hear of your tragic situation…yes many brain tumours do not get detected and I often wonder how many suffer in silence and it is covered up by signs of mental illness and addictions. It is really hard to detect and Doctors don't always look do brain scans.
I am sure my Husband had his tumour for years as he started going off the rails two years before we were diagnosed. The worse part is the manipulation and his Family involvement to cast blame toward me when I was the only one caring for him everyday. Where were they when we needed help but they sure appeared when they wanted my husbands money…
It has brought me to my knees and I truly pray for my name to be cleared of the horrific accusations. I blame the Doctor's for not helping as well..any kind of mental illness or brain injury is damaging and causes pain…Be strong!!

Apr 12, 2014
Lost my Husband after Frontal Lobe Brain Cancer surgery. He just never was the same. He wanted to destroy me!
by: Doreen UK

Irene you are the most AMAZING STRONG WOMAN to live through all these assaults on your Integrity, and still survive to tell the story. It is a very COMPLEX Story of HURT and PAIN you endured at the hands of a mentally ill husband and a very unsupportive family and Healthcare Professionals who did not see clearly this grave injustice and attack on your Integrity.
The one good thing is that GOD IS ALWAYS WATCHING. It doesn't matter how evil people are and work against you GOD IS WATCHING. You must have had such a strong Spiritual Faith and Belief in God to endure this situation.
One of the most difficult situations in life is to live with someone who has MENTAL ILLNESS. I not only have been in such an environment, but I also have been on the receiving end of abuse, and false accusations that hurt. It is normal to want to defend your position and set the record straight and fight to maintain your Integrity, but often it is futile and very stressful when no one is on your side and believing you. BEST TO LEAVE IT IN GOD'S HAND'S. Which is what I did. I maintained my Integrity before God who my first allegiance was to, and God brought me through this ordeal as God has done for you.
It is painful for you having this divorce when you didn't want it, But God knows and understand this and will be with you throughout your life.
What you did was to be an OVERCOMER. Which is what God asks of us. But living in such an environment is very destructive to you and those who have to endure such ill treatment from someone suffering Mental Illness.
I gave 8yrs. of my life in VOLUNTARY WORK in Mental Health and I can assure you this is the most difficult area to understand and relate to in the context of NORMALITY. By God's Grace you have not been destroyed by what you went through and for being in this environment.
You need to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF NOW. You need to build yourself up as this will build up your self esteem and allow you to Heal from the pain of living with someone who was mentally ill.
Cancer does alter one's personality, and can cause abusive situations for the carer of which I have experience of being on the receiving end. I have rich experiences and knowledge in the professional arena of Social Workers, and the hierarchy of Medical care who don't always do a good job of supporting and defending someone like you who needed this support and didn't get it. I am aware of how fast our medical services and support structure is failing us, and falling far too short of what is expected in good care for all individuals. Whether the person is a patient or for the carer, caring for someone who is ill or has mental health difficulties. I implore you to now seek perhaps counselling if you think you need it so that you can GRIEVE your losses. They are immense and you need to be cared for.
May God be with you and Comfort you and Cover you with His Blessings and Heal you from what you have been through. God is your/our Defender and Your/our Deliverer.

Apr 12, 2014
I understand
by: Jill

Dear Irene,

You have done everything possible to support
your husband after this traumatic surgery.
It should be a big comfort to you that you were
there in his darkest hours.

Our family has been torn apart from a sick individual who gambled. No it was not a brain
tumour, but the damage he inflicted including
us next of kin being homeless, my mother and
siblings getting life threatening illness (I blame
my mothers premature death on this) is traumatic and has led to innocent casualties having ruined lives.

I sometimes wonder if the family perpetrator of our demise had a brain injury - to go off the rails without conscience for his wife and family.

It seems you went through every journey with your
husband until the divorce. You have kept your
wedding vows.

This cruel illness has separated you. Remember
you are both victims.

Hoping you can join a support group for the families of Brain Injured victims - we have one her in the UK.

Keep with the site.

Ro.

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