Lost my husband, love of my life

by Lauren
(South Africa)

Bear with me. I've tried to summarise my story to the best of my ability...

My husband was diagnosed with an inoperable benign brain tumor in 2008. The tumor was slowly growing, so we had to operate. The search for a surgeon who would agree to do the operation was a long one, but we finally found one.

In 2010 we tied the knot and a month later he had the very risky brain surgery. The surgery seemed to be a success. Recovery was a long road. My husband, after seeming better for about a year, slowly began to deteriorate again (seizures, loss of ability to read, etc.). We found out that the residual tumor was growing again, but seemed to be growing rather slowly. Another operation was not an option.

Towards the end of 2012, my husband became very frustrated and depressed and could not read properly. Some of us put it down to depression as the doctors said his tumor was still benign.

On Tuesday 8 January 2013 after being admitted into hospital for what seemed like a long-winded tummy bug, we found out that my husband's tumor had turned malignant. The tumor had taken over so rapidly & he had no chance of survival. He was given a few weeks to a couple of months to live.

He seemed okay with this. He said he had been expecting it for a few years now. He had arranged all his finances - paid off debts, updated his will, etc. - about 6 months before. I don't know how he knew, but he did.

He died on the 9th of May 2013. We never had a very easy marriage, but we loved each other so deeply. We always agreed that no one else could possibly love each other more than we did. Our bond was so strong. Our love was something we knew only comes once in a lifetime. I feel lost now. Almost crippled by the pain at times. The only thing getting me through is our baby inside me. His blessing to me.

He lasted for longer than the doctor's anticipated, but towards the end I hardly recognised him. It was awful watching him deteriorate, but I took comfort in knowing we loved each other so much. He comforted me as I comforted him. Everything that needed to be said had been said. I know now that he had been preparing me for his death for years. We spoke about death often and I never understood how he could be so accepting and unafriad of death.

His death was not long ago. My wounds are still fresh. I am so afraid. I feel guilty. I feel lost. I know I am strong and I have to be strong for the miracle growing inside me, but I sometimes don't know if I can go on.

Comments for Lost my husband, love of my life

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May 25, 2013
Lost my husband, love of my life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

I read your post and my heart ached for you. I was married to my husband for 46 years on June 26, 2011; when he passed away from a massive heart attack on June 27, 2011.
To watch my husband die slowly with cancer, I know would have been horrible, as I watched my mom die,age 50,breast cancer, 37 years, June 25th, I lost a sister-in-law, age 53,12 years ago, breast cancer, a brother-in-law, age 51,esophagul cancer, father-in-law, 41years, age 56, liver cancer. They slowly suffered and died. My husbands death was quick. The pain and grief is the same; only for a spouse so much worse. Seven years ago on April 30th, my husband and myself found my dad sleeping eternally in his recliner at home. He died from a massive heart attack. He was alone. That thought still makes me sad; but the medical examiner told me I could be sitting next to my dad and not know it happened. Well, that is oh so true; because I was standing right beside my husband sitting on the side of our bed, when that happened to him. He was gone and I didn't even realize it. it will be two years and the memory is still so fresh.
You do have the joy of your child growing inside of you. You will experience sadness when that child is born, because your husband won't physically be there for the birth, but he will be with you spiritually. You will have a child to love and cherish. a constant reminder of the love of your life. You will have the chance to tell that child about their father and keep his memory alive.
I have 3 posts and they are titled " The Love of My Life". That is what my husband still is after his death. We never get over their death, but we slowly learn how to go on without them.
Keep coming to this site. Keep us posted, informing us about the little miracle growing inside of you. You are not alone.

May 24, 2013
lost my husband love of my life
by: silver

I feel for you Lauren.My soul mate died in May also but in 2011.I has been 2 yrs for me on the 29th.It is still hard but I am finally coming to grips with it.I still cry several times a week but not every day.I talk to him and about him often.That keeps him alive for me.I was blessed with 33 yrs with him.He died one week after our anniversary.I miss him terribly but I know we will see each other again.Like you I think he knew he was dying.He took his retirement and we hunted for a newer trailer(the other one was 20 yrs old).We worked hard and paid off all our bills.I was blessed that in Alabama I am responsible only for my medical bills,so all his hospital bills became null and void when he died.(over $90,000)So I only have a few of my own medical bills to pay.I am able to live in my own home(paid for completely).I think he wanted to be sure I could live as problem free as possible on Social Security.He was always so good to me.We have 4 sons.The youngest is ours.(yours,mine,ours-his third marriage,my second)My youngest son lives with me and helps me with the cable and internet as well as some of the groceries.My other sons help also.I am so blessed to have my children.They are what kept me going when I wanted to give up.This is what your child will help you with-someone to love and care for.That child will also give you a reason to go on,a reminder of the love you shared.You will still grieve but that little bundle will help.GOD send you strength and peace.I send you love.Keep us posted on your little one and if you need to talk this site has helped me a lot.

May 21, 2013
Lost my husband, love of my life.
by: Doreen U.K.

Lauren I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband. What a man he was that he put all his affairs in order so there would be no unfinished business. This is good practice since we all know we are going to die and need to at least make a WILL & TESTAMENT so as to avoid the difficulties for those we leave behind to deal with one's affairs. I do think that the one's who are ill have a gut feeling they are going to die.
My husband worked with ASBESTOS in his 20's and cut this material not knowing it was a deadly material used in the workplace but now known as such. The fibres lodge in the lung and develop into a slow growing tumour which takes 40-60yrs. to develop but is almost always incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. There is no cure. This is what happened to my husband and the worst news ever for a wife to hear. All I heard was "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE." The worst news ever. That is the day I died inside. My grief started. My beloved husband died 5th May 2012. My grief is on going and very painful most days. None of us knows what to expect and how we will feel. But the sorrow is unbearable. My sadness for you is that you have a lifetime without the man you loved. I was married 44yrs. but together 47yrs. He had retired but never got the chance to enjoy his time of on going life. He worked hard and long hours all over the world and so we didn't have those quality of 44yrs. together. This was to come. But he died. I know how you feel. The cancer journey was long. hard. painful. and a slow death where I saw my body building husband deteriorate into a shell of a man who struggled to breathe. WE couldn't talk of death or prepare for this as it was too painful. So much to do after a death it wears one down. Life has to go on for me whether I want to or not. You have a child on the way which will bring you more Joy than you can ever imagine. My children are all grown adults now but such a Joy to have. I have two darling grandchildren who bring Joy into my life and make it worth living when I see them. But my beloved husband did not get the chance to enjoy his grandchildren. Another loss to grieve.
It is only one day at a time that we can cope with as grief is a hard road to travel. I wish you the very best of health in your pregnancy. A good birth and delivery. A healthy and happy baby. And a happy life to come which will be meaningful in every way and bring you Joy and happiness, despite your grief. I am sorry for your loss.

May 21, 2013
how to find an answer
by: Melina

I'm not sure what to say when I read something like this. I am begging for my own self to find a way to go forward and can't seem to find it. All I can say is that many of us have found this site to be able to express our feelings of loss and despair and since each of us have experienced death in a very real way, you are among kindred spirit.

The fact that you are with child makes your situation especially poignant. I hope that you can find a place to rest your grief and bring your husband's love into the circle that will embrace you and your child.

If there is a way to go forward my hope is that you will find it.


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