Lost my husband to Gambling and Escort Addiction
Can you feel my pain?
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. My whole entire marriage was made up of lies and false hope. After our first child was born, I discovered his gambling addiction. It slowly ruined our marriage. I couldn't keep up with his lies. Every time I caught him he would run his mouth and made excuses. He also took his anger out of me and be angry whenever he lost his money. He stole money from his parents and took a lot of cash advance. He couldn't keep up with his job and had to often find a new one. I knew he watched a lot of porn and also go online to chat with other girls. i thought it was just a thing that a lot of guys do behind closed doors.
Things got worse after our second child. He didn't seem to care about anything else but gambling. It got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. He overdrafted my bank so many times. I had $2000 saved up and hidden from him and he stole that too. I decided to walk out on him and move in with my mom 3hrs away.
We have been separated for 3 years now. At first he tried to make things work. He moved down to live near me and the kids but he end up losing his apartment and car due to gambling. I'm sure he did tons of things behind my back during that time too. It was just never confirmed. Later on I noticed he called escorts from his phone and I asked him about it but he denied. We have been going back and forth and sometimes we were on good terms but most of the times we weren't. If I needed anything he would come so I grew to depend on him.
But I noticed that he was never into me. It did not matter how hard I tried or how beautiful I looked, he didn't even bother. I felt bad. I was offended. I didn't understand why. I have tons of stretch marks and I do have a little jelly in the belly area so i did not feel so great about myself. My confident was shot to the ground.
I noticed his phone calls and his phone list of various girls from different states that he talked to. I freaked out. I have been taking care of my kids all that time, while he was working and spending the rest of his time on others. He never even bother to call to see how his kids were doing. I was stressed out. He came down on thanksgiving and sat there to eat dinner like it was nothing. I was upset and kicked him out. He wouldn't leave so i took a knife and threatened to kill myself. The police came and arrested me for suicidal. All of that happened in front of my kids. I'm sure I traumatized my kids for life. I feel so sorry for them. I haven't been a good mother due to my problems.
Like every other times he lied his way out and made tons of promises. I slowly let it go again. Every time I mention getting back together he would try to find his way out. I just want my kids to have a father, though I know having a father like that, it's better to not have one at all. I need a lot of help because my vision is not good enough to drive. I depend on his income to help me out and depend a lot of others to drive me and my kids around.
Months later I found out on his computer that he has been looking at escorts online. I have no evidence that he had slept with any but I wouldn't doubt it. He still watches porn, goes online to chat with other girls and I'm sure many more things that I don't know about. Now escorts!!!
I'm deeply hurt and just don't understand. I have been loyal to him all these years. I have been taking care of my kids on my own. I have forgiven him every time. It has been 7 rough years. He did not get any better but worse.
I don't even know how to describe my pain. I feel betrayed, cheated and lied to. I feel low and pathetic for forgiven him and let him push my confident down. How could someone go on and hurt another like this? Not only that he has a gambling addiction but now a sex addiction, an addiction to escorts. Anyone else but me, the one who had been sticking with him through thick and thin.
I care so much about him and yet I can't deal with his lies and his cheating habits. I can't forgive him anymore. There's a pathetic side of me that feels like I should get help and go through counseling with him. I don't see how that would work because even if he change, I don't think I can forget what he did. Would counseling help? Did it ever help anyone and did it work out? I feel like this world is full of greed. I don't want to spend so much money on a therapist and have it not work out. I could save that money for my kids.
I should try and move on with my life and not depend on anyone. I don't have a support system and anyone to talk to. My family is the one who let him walk in the door, the one who sits and eats dinner with him. They feel like it's not right to kick him out. But it's ok for him to do this to me? I never really understand their reasoning so I never have their support.
I just want some closure. I asked him about escorts and he kept on denying it. He wouldn't confess and it makes me feel worse somehow.