Lost My Love, My Best Friend, My Support - Five Years Later, The Loneliness is Unbearable
by Denise
(Atlanta, GA, USA)
Five years ago, April 22, 2005, my husband passed away unexpectedly. Two years prior he suffered the same illness, severe asthma, the treatment was the same and he came home. This time, however, he got a staph infection at the hospital and was gone in 13 days. I was devastated, but I was going to experience every feeling. I began journaling the second day he was in the hospital and continued with 'Letters to Him'. I went to a grief counselor, who told me I was doing all of the things she would suggest, to just keep it up. I continued to live in our house, work in the same job, and write letters to him about what I was feeling.
After three years, I awoke one morning with extreme clarity of mind and decided to retire from my job, move to the Atlanta where my daughter lived, and find a job, in my efforts to begin living. I did just that, I remembered all of the 'grief books' that indicated to not make changes too soon. I thought I was ready.
I bought a house in Atlanta, went to China (my daughter accompanied me), moved, then sold the other house. Everything fell into place, I even sold the house for what I wanted; I believed it was God's will. However, my daughter and her family have a life, my friends are located all over the country, they have lives, my son who lived in the town (California) I left is married and has a life.
I had my Mom to talk to whenever things got too tough emotionally, she knew how I felt as she had lost my Dad several years prior. Then she passed away suddenly in September. I feel I have no one. Everyone says you have to get out and make friends. I'm a 'closet introvert' and my husband made me feel safe enough to do the things I've done over the 24 years of our relationship. I do try, but it's not working out.
I've been trying to get a job, but the economy is making it almost impossible. The loneliness is driving me back to the loss. I don't know what else to do. People don't understand, they think that since it's been five years I should be better. I am better, but this is different. I have no one to talk to that understands what I feel. The loneliness is unbearable.
