Lost my mother 2 days ago

by Priscila
(Coconut Creek ,FL)


I lost my mother 2 days ago, I'm an only child and have no family at all, my mother was my best friend I used to talk to her everyday on the phone, she lived in Brazil and I live in Florida. She was having a pain in her left leg and all of the sudden went to the hospital and they couldn't find anything wrong, her health started deterioreted more in about 10 days they decided to do a surgery because they didn't know exactly if she had a broken femur, 24 hours later she died of septical schok. I can't understand how could they do a surgery if she had any infection? I can't forgive myself of not being able to be there for her because I have 2 small children... She loved those kids a lot she always came in the summer.... I'm lost

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Mar 25, 2014
Don't know what to do. Please Help?
by: Doreen UK

Priscilla Please think hard before you make any rash decisions to leave your husband. When we lose a loved one our world is turned upside down and we can often act in ways we can't understand. I too was angry after my husband died. I became angry with my son for not doing things for his father that he requested e.g. washing his car etc. He would tell his sister to do it. My husband was dying of cancer at the time. In the Eulogy my son talked about all his father did for him. Because I was angry and told my son that he could have done more. He would bring his girlfriends car miles to our garage and wash it and never do this for his father. He would then travel miles back to deliver her car to her. He would borrow our garden tools and do her garden. NO PROBLEM. But why didn't he do this for his dad. I didn't know my anger would spill out. I lost my husband 22 months ago and my son walked away. I didn't plan to be angry. I found out later I carried my husbands anger without knowing this whilst I nursed him for 3yrs.39days with cancer. I was also angry with God for not healing my husband from cancer. But I got over that. I discovered my anger at God was also part of my grief.
There may be issues you have with your husband. I can read between the lines. Try counselling first and see if it works.
My husband worked a lot away from home for 47yrs. We didn't have time to ourselves due to his working life. I became mother and father to 3 children. I just got on with it and focused on what the children needed and also focused on meeting my husbands needs. I never focused on my needs at all as the families needs took over. I didn't feel bad about this. It was only when my husband died that I was left with ME. and I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do but taking one day at a time. My mother-in-law hurt me often. But I honoured her because she was my husband's mother. I had the opportunity to do her bad as she did at times to me but because I am a Christian. I reversed this and did her only Good and at least I can feel content I did the right thing. All the insults against me fell on God and He restored me. You must do what is best for you. But I hope you can work things out and your grief won't allow you to make a hasty decision. Keep your chin up. A counsellor may be able to help you put things into perspective. Your needs are great now and your husband is not there for you and you are hurting. Let it pass and then you will see clearly what to do. Best wishes.

Mar 24, 2014
Getting worse
by: Priscila

Is been 5 long days since my mother passed, I became and angry person, mad at my husband and mad at the world. For some reason I don;t want to see my mother in low, I don't even want to talk to her, why would I anyways?? it looks like a bad dream that soon will end... But won't! I'm thinking about leaving my husband, all he thinks is about the kids .... I don't know what to do...please help

Mar 23, 2014
Lost my mother 2 days ago
by: Doreen UK

Priscilla Your husband means well. Many men try to comfort their wives by telling them life goes on and tries to get you to move on. But your husband can't enter your world and feel what you are feeling in much the same way many other people are not affected by your loss and won't know how to comfort you. At these times it is best to choose your confidants and supporters wisely by seeking perhaps professional counselling or grief support from those who can enter your world and feel your pain and can offer you empathy. You will receive impartial support and this may well be able to help you in the interim when your grief is raw and very unbearable. It is normal to feel the pain of never seeing our mother again and not being able to make it up to her in the way you need to. These are normal feelings and these feelings won't last. You must let whatever you are feeling come and then let it pass. It will pass with time. Guilt is common and guilt doesn't last either. It soon passes and we get new memories come in. This will go on for some time. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve and for how long. This is different for everyone. Some people are stuck in grief and can't move forward without help. Other's like myself are numb for a long time and can't do anything. After 6 months of doing nothing. I was then able to cope. I didn't have to even try. It just happened suddenly. I felt the urge to do things. I paced myself. Some days did nothing and some days did too much. I now please myself what I do. I have this FREEDOM to choose. YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU DO AND WHEN. You will eventually one day like all of us RECOVER FROM GRIEF.

Mar 22, 2014
by: Anonymous

Thank you very much. I'm so lost and my husband just want me to feel better and says that life goes on I have to get up and try to go out. I can't do it and I'm starting to feel anger against him by not understanding that my world collapsed. I woke up this morning feeling worst wanting to go back on time and see and hug her again... Maybe to have made her happier.Can't accept that I won't get another chance ever!

Mar 22, 2014
Lost my mother 2 days ago
by: Doreen UK

Priscilla I am so sorry for your loss of your mother 2 days ago. These will be the most painful days ever that you bear. Know that this pain won't last. Unless someone tells you this you will think as I did that I will be in this pain forever. The best way to cope with loss is ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I coped. The first 6 months I felt ill. Could do nothing and couldn't move off the couch to do anything for this time. Then one day I woke up and my world was changing. I could tackle one job a day which became two and then I paced myself. Some days could do nothing and other days cope better. This is how it will be.
Don't beat yourself up, about not being available to be present for your mom. This is the downside of living overseas. When we emigrated to Canada from the UK we suddenly were aware of the distance and how far away our loved one's were. WE couldn't understand such a move and so moved back to the UK. I have no regrets. 30yrs. later we discovered my husband had a slow growing malignant tumour growing inside him from working with asbestos and cutting this in his 20's. This tumour takes 40yrs. to develop. The diagnoses came in 2009. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and he died of MESOTHELIOMA 22 months ago.
Even if you were present with your mother you may not have been able to intervene in her medical care. There are far too many mistakes made today in hospitals. It makes one wonder why many doctors are making too many mistakes.
Just yesterday on TV it showed a 24yrs. old girl. Sent away by her doctor that she had nothing to worry about. She went backpacking on holiday. When she got to New Zealand she went for a check up. She got the medical care she needed. But it was too late. She had cervical cancer and has only got 1yr. to live. How I cried for her. Such needless loss to a family because of many doctor's carelessness. How do we ever recover from these mistakes? Another family who will grieve now when they lose their daughter. This is happening more and more and much is out of our control. Often we have to just accept the order of the universe if we are to recover from our grief. Again I am sorry for your loss and the grief you have to bear. You will one day HEAL and get your life back for you and your 2 children.

Mar 21, 2014
Dear Priscilla,
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your mother. I am an only child also, and lost my father suddenly in January, 2013. He suffered sudden cardiac arrest and was gone. Like you and your mother, we spoke everyday and I am still so lost without him. I'm finding that the feelings of guilt are part of the grieving process-I have so many questions. Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. Treasure your memories of your mother, I'm sure there are many. I hope you find some peace and comfort in the days ahead. Barb

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