Lost my older brother

by Irshaad
(The Netherlands)

So my brother died at the age of 29 in march this year. Excuse my English because it is not my main language (I am Dutch).
He died after a heavy epilepsy seizure. He started to kick off from his years old drug habit which gave makes his epilepsy seizures heavier then normal.

The thing I regret was that I was kinda mean to him because he was making my mother cry because of his drug addiction and asking people on the streets for money. I regret that the last time he visited my mother at our home I only said "Hi" and went upstairs, never saying goodbye. My mother was always sweet and nice to him at least.

Point is, he was always a kind person, too much kindness then he could afford himself. Even though I did not much wanted to talk with him, he kept being kind and blaming himself about almost everything. Also it's not like we had a good childhood, our parents were in a fight-divorce when he was 13 years old and being gay was not accepted by the family, my father or by himself. At later point me and my mother kept telling him that he shouldn't take it so hard , but it kept him deluded which made him grab the drugs. I think.

Sometimes I am anger on him, and sometimes I am just sad and wish if things couldn't have been done different. I surely miss him. I have been kinda depressed about it, I feel like to stay in my bed and never get out again. What's the point of living if we all going to die someday, right ? I know after a while I will be cheered up again. In a while. Writing this story helps. Sometimes I wonder if my brother disliked me or not ? My mother told me he would love his "little" brothers always. Even though me and my brother are only 5 years younger then him, he still saw us as his little brothers who were still children.

I am grateful for letting my write all this. Thank you much. A picture of my brother.

Comments for Lost my older brother

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Jun 11, 2014
lost my older brother
by: lerato

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Jun 10, 2014
lost your brother
by: Anonymous------MI

it is very sad, indeed, that your brother has died. When we lose a loved one there is an empty hollow place in our hearts and lives. We, who continue on living have many different emotions to deal with in accepting their deaths. We all feel guilt in one form or another, even the fact that we are still living and they are not can cause guilt. My dear husband died suddenly almost 19 months ago and the emotions of guilt, anger, fear, depression and total grief was what I felt. I am still grieving and I still feel some of these emotions. I have total faith in God; He has helped me keep going and trying to live a good life for my kids and grandkids. It is not easy; I miss my husband with all my heart but God gives me strength to go on. I hope that you will talk to a grief counselor or someone who will listen to you and help you to see that we all have regrets, but we cannot go back to correct the mistakes we have made. Instead, look to the future and try to make your life the best you can and ask God for His perfect peace for your life.

Jun 10, 2014
Lost my older brother
by: Doreen UK

Irshaad I am so sorry for your loss of your older brother. Messy divorces can cause many a child to go off the rails and act out life in a different way. Your mother will have forgiven him for all his mistakes as this is what mothers do. When drugs take hold of a persons life it sort of controls what they do and they have little power to kick this habit. It will be hard on your mother losing a son. Stay close to each other and support one another in your grief. Taking one day at a time. This is all we can do so that we can cope with our sorrow.

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