Lost my older brother
So my brother died at the age of 29 in march this year. Excuse my English because it is not my main language (I am Dutch).
He died after a heavy epilepsy seizure. He started to kick off from his years old drug habit which gave makes his epilepsy seizures heavier then normal.
The thing I regret was that I was kinda mean to him because he was making my mother cry because of his drug addiction and asking people on the streets for money. I regret that the last time he visited my mother at our home I only said "Hi" and went upstairs, never saying goodbye. My mother was always sweet and nice to him at least.
Point is, he was always a kind person, too much kindness then he could afford himself. Even though I did not much wanted to talk with him, he kept being kind and blaming himself about almost everything. Also it's not like we had a good childhood, our parents were in a fight-divorce when he was 13 years old and being gay was not accepted by the family, my father or by himself. At later point me and my mother kept telling him that he shouldn't take it so hard , but it kept him deluded which made him grab the drugs. I think.
Sometimes I am anger on him, and sometimes I am just sad and wish if things couldn't have been done different. I surely miss him. I have been kinda depressed about it, I feel like to stay in my bed and never get out again. What's the point of living if we all going to die someday, right ? I know after a while I will be cheered up again. In a while. Writing this story helps. Sometimes I wonder if my brother disliked me or not ? My mother told me he would love his "little" brothers always. Even though me and my brother are only 5 years younger then him, he still saw us as his little brothers who were still children.
I am grateful for letting my write all this. Thank you much. A picture of my brother.