Lost my older sister feel like i lost my life
I lost my sister in feb 2014 , i am 23 and she was 27. I find my self really broken. MY sister was like a mom to me, even though my mom is still living. We went together almost everywhere and she knew me even more that I did. I was very dependent on her which makes it even harder on me. When I didn't know what to do she would help me chose, when i didn't know what to eat she one exactly what I would like, to me she knew everything. Anything I needed I would just ask and she would have an answer. We were "adventure" partners, we would chose places to travel and music bands to see and we would go. Now when I find something that we would like I feel crushed because I have no one to tell it to. Like other siblings we would fight but the times we had together were memorable. My story might be too long :( but I really feel like telling it.
What hurts me even more if how she died. Because she was fine , we went to a couple of concerts prior to her falling to sickness , she even traveled and worked before that. She was the most independent of my family. She started feeling dizzy but everything seemed fine. She thought she needed glasses but the oculist told her it could be a tumor or an infection, we decided infection since she had been sick the past week. One day she got really bad and we had to pick her up from work, we took her to the hospital and it turned out it was a tumor. She had a brain tumor, she was gonna get a thing to drain liquid from her brain but fort we went to a "better" hospital.
There the doctor met with her , I was there, he told her it was a really clean tumor and that it would be easy to take out without damaging her to much,besides her hearing, which she jokingly responded not to mind about. This prognosis that he gave us makes me angry because he made us believe that it was no big deal and that we didn't need to think about it. He said surgery was needed and programmed it in 4 days of her entrance to the hospital. I spent the day before surgery with her and next day I went to school. When I left she was crying silently, she was being brave but I could see she was scared.
She came out of surgery ,everything seemed fine, dr. Said he took as much as the tumor as he could. She opened her eyes and responded with head movements. Then they tried to take out the respirator and she couldn't breathe so they put a tracheotomy.
I can't help but think her death was fault of the doctors because how could she have been really improved and out of nowhere she was "lost".
They kept her sedated to relieve brain pressure, I believe they did it for too long or that they drained too much brain liquid because the times they stopped the draining she started getting better "apparently" she would be able to move and follow commands and answer questions, as soon as draining started again she was almost completely unconscious with very little response even from her eyes. One time they stopped the drain for 2 weeks, she started sitting up and doing exercises of her body with my help, moving the hand a lot but not enough to write, she couldn't talk because of the trach but that last day of consciousness she even had a real meal (hospital meal, after being on the feeding tube for 4 months)
She was sick for 6 months before the hospital sent her home to hospice. She was another month at another hospital where they tried to help her but she was very damaged. She was sent home with care but kept deteriorating over time. she stopped moving her fingers and she seemed like she couldn't see. Eventually she passed away. After 9 months of fighting.
I felt like dying with her, two weeks after her death I found out my father told the doctors to let her go, so they stopped life support (which was food and oxygen) she died of respiratory failure . Nobody else knows I was told this and it broke me even more because I wasn't told that she was going to be let go. Probably because I would go in crisis or something, but it hurts me so much that they didn't tell me. And I didn't visit her her las days because I was "busy" . I know I felt it coming and unconsciously was avoiding going to see her because it hurt me so much. It hurts me so much that she died, the last time I visited her she looked so calm but she held my hand strongly for the whole 2hours that I was allowed inside, I played her one of the songs we would like just as I did since she was in "recovery", it angers me that the first doctor told her on Thursday she would be operated on Friday and would be out by Monday to go to the concert she had been planning for months. I miss her so much, I don't know what to think , I don't know what to do, the only thing I have done is kept myself busy and my mind in other things to avoid thinking of her because it's just too painful.