Lost My Only Baby

by Cassey
(Portland, OR)

I write this in extremely numbing pain. I've been crying for days, yet today I have no tears. It was today two years ago that I lost my only son, Zachary. I prayed for a baby for years. All I wanted was children, my only dream in life was to be a mom. My own childhood was abusive, and I wanted to become the parent I always wanted for myself. My father died when I was 4, my mom never got over the loss and I am a painful reminder to her, she has since had other children. I scheduled an appointment at an infertility clinic in March 2009 and found out I was pregnant right before my appointment. My pregnancy was confirmed that day, and I felt that God had really blessed me. I was so happy. I was still in shock when we found out that our baby was a boy. And a healthy, active one. On May 4, I no longer felt him kick and just strangely felt that his spirit had departed from me and scheduled an appointment. I was right. He had become tangled in his umbilical cord and was gone. On May 5, I had contractions, and delivered my deceased son without any medication. I will never forget the silence in the delivery room, only the sounds of the doctor and nurses crying as I labored. My husband at the time left the room and I felt so alone. The shock of not hearing the cry when he doctor held him up slapped me across the face, and I see this moment in my mind often. She asked me if I wanted to hold him, so I did. He was perfect, and I named him Zachary. They took him away after a few minutes and I had to stay overnight. All night I was awake listening to screaming mothers, and then crying babies. I watched relatives pile in with "congratulations" and "happy mother's day" balloons and flowers, but no one came to see me. I left in a wheelchair empty handed. I then was fired from my job because my first day back 3 months later, I was below the team goal. I will never forget when my boss told me the company was sorry that my baby died, but it wasn't their fault. I know I could have sued but I didn't have the strength. I've never really talked about this because no one wants to hear about it. I hope someone out there can relate. I feel terrible. 

Comments for Lost My Only Baby

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Jun 10, 2012
I am So Sorry
by: Shirley

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry you were alone that night in the hospital.

Well, God was there. His angels were there.
And they are with you now.

I am crying and praying that they will comfort you.

And you and I know the same thing: We will hold our boys again.

May 05, 2012
I Will Listen
by: Rose L

I am so sorry for your pain. The loss of your child is unbearable, I know. Please know that everyday God is holding Zachary and preparing him for your arrival into Heaven some day. God has another plan for you right now. I lean on God for my strength-every day, all day. I ask Him how my daughter is doing and to please whisper I love you in her ear from her mom..God listens with His heart. He hurts with you, He too knows your pain. He gave His son, just as you did. You both are very special and have a blessed bond. Call on Him, He will help you..

God is listening..He hears your cries of sorrow. Blessings,

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