Lost My Only Baby
I write this in extremely numbing pain. I've been crying for days, yet today I have no tears. It was today two years ago that I lost my only son, Zachary. I prayed for a baby for years. All I wanted was children, my only dream in life was to be a mom. My own childhood was abusive, and I wanted to become the parent I always wanted for myself. My father died when I was 4, my mom never got over the loss and I am a painful reminder to her, she has since had other children. I scheduled an appointment at an infertility clinic in March 2009 and found out I was pregnant right before my appointment. My pregnancy was confirmed that day, and I felt that God had really blessed me. I was so happy. I was still in shock when we found out that our baby was a boy. And a healthy, active one. On May 4, I no longer felt him kick and just strangely felt that his spirit had departed from me and scheduled an appointment. I was right. He had become tangled in his umbilical cord and was gone. On May 5, I had contractions, and delivered my deceased son without any medication. I will never forget the silence in the delivery room, only the sounds of the doctor and nurses crying as I labored. My husband at the time left the room and I felt so alone. The shock of not hearing the cry when he doctor held him up slapped me across the face, and I see this moment in my mind often. She asked me if I wanted to hold him, so I did. He was perfect, and I named him Zachary. They took him away after a few minutes and I had to stay overnight. All night I was awake listening to screaming mothers, and then crying babies. I watched relatives pile in with "congratulations" and "happy mother's day" balloons and flowers, but no one came to see me. I left in a wheelchair empty handed. I then was fired from my job because my first day back 3 months later, I was below the team goal. I will never forget when my boss told me the company was sorry that my baby died, but it wasn't their fault. I know I could have sued but I didn't have the strength. I've never really talked about this because no one wants to hear about it. I hope someone out there can relate. I feel terrible.