Lost My Parents
I lost the most important man in my life a little over a year ago - my Dad. He was taken so quickly from me. From his phone call to say he was in trouble to me returning home without him was less than two hours! I found out later that he actually died in the ambulance in the driveway. They were never able to revive him from the moment his heart stopped.
We knew he had a heart condition but we thought we had time to make decisions according to the doctor. I never expected him to be taken so quickly. Unfortunately, I never got to say goodbye to him or to tell him I loved him one more time because when I left his side to return to my house next door to get dressed to go to the hospital, I never in my wildest dreams thought he wouldn't be alive when I arrived at the hospital. I carry so much guilt because I should have made him return to the doctor when I thought something wasn't quite right, even though he said he didn't want to. I also hate the guilt I carry for not telling him that one last time that I loved him when they wheeled him out of the house.
I never hard time to grive the death of my dad because my mom became ill almost immediately after his death with dimentia, which was changed to terminal vascular dimentia within a month. My parents would have been married 67 years a few weeks after my dad's passing and my mom just couldn't bear life without him. She tried but eventally seven months after my dad passed, she had a stroke or something else happen that resulted me in putting her in a hospice facility where she passed away three weeks later. My mom passed angry at me and constantly told me that I killed my dad and couldn't understand why I couldn't do the same to her. She kept telling me that I hated her and was a horrible person to her. I know in my heart that it was the disease that was talking, but it still hurts that in my mind she died thinking I hated her and didn't love her. She was in a coma for the last weeks in Hospice and never woke up to hear me tell her that I love her.
So, needless to say, I have lost both parents within less than eight months of each other and have just not been able to move on. I have such horrible guilt that I carry every day and no matter how hard I try, I can't get past it.
I also lost the only sibling I had a few years earlier than my parents. I have no one left in my immediate family and feel so alone. I want to be with them instead of where I am right now.