Lost My Parents

by CJ

I lost the most important man in my life a little over a year ago - my Dad. He was taken so quickly from me. From his phone call to say he was in trouble to me returning home without him was less than two hours! I found out later that he actually died in the ambulance in the driveway. They were never able to revive him from the moment his heart stopped.

We knew he had a heart condition but we thought we had time to make decisions according to the doctor. I never expected him to be taken so quickly. Unfortunately, I never got to say goodbye to him or to tell him I loved him one more time because when I left his side to return to my house next door to get dressed to go to the hospital, I never in my wildest dreams thought he wouldn't be alive when I arrived at the hospital. I carry so much guilt because I should have made him return to the doctor when I thought something wasn't quite right, even though he said he didn't want to. I also hate the guilt I carry for not telling him that one last time that I loved him when they wheeled him out of the house.

I never hard time to grive the death of my dad because my mom became ill almost immediately after his death with dimentia, which was changed to terminal vascular dimentia within a month. My parents would have been married 67 years a few weeks after my dad's passing and my mom just couldn't bear life without him. She tried but eventally seven months after my dad passed, she had a stroke or something else happen that resulted me in putting her in a hospice facility where she passed away three weeks later. My mom passed angry at me and constantly told me that I killed my dad and couldn't understand why I couldn't do the same to her. She kept telling me that I hated her and was a horrible person to her. I know in my heart that it was the disease that was talking, but it still hurts that in my mind she died thinking I hated her and didn't love her. She was in a coma for the last weeks in Hospice and never woke up to hear me tell her that I love her.

So, needless to say, I have lost both parents within less than eight months of each other and have just not been able to move on. I have such horrible guilt that I carry every day and no matter how hard I try, I can't get past it.

I also lost the only sibling I had a few years earlier than my parents. I have no one left in my immediate family and feel so alone. I want to be with them instead of where I am right now.

Comments for Lost My Parents

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Apr 27, 2014
by: Mary R

I don't know if you still reading this blog. I also lost my Mom and Dad within 7 months and have no immediate family. I hope you are still coping and making progress. Best wishes to you in your endeavors. Thank you for posting. By doing so, others will not feel so alone.

Mar 20, 2013
Lost My Parents
by: Doreen U.K.

C J I am sorry for your loss of both parents so suddenly in a short space of time from your life that has turned it upside down.
This is such a cruel trick of life to deal this to you. I am not surprised that you are struggling to move on. this won't happen soon. It would be good for you if you could go and see a grief counsellor so that you could separate each death and grieve this separately otherwise it could all get tangled up.
You also lost your only sibling which now leaves you so very much alone with no one as you say to be in your life. Guilt is part of grief. This should go in time but working with a grief counsellor you would find that your guilt would almost evaporate in counselling and not dominate your life.
Your mother you say had dementia. This disease would cause her behaviour to be erratic and not accurate. You cannot punish yourself with guilt because of her last thoughts and feeling about you. Because she felt you were responsible for your father's death doesn't make it the truth. With dementia the distortions of the mind and emotions cannot be taken seriously. None of us knows when our loved ones died if they loved us or what they thought of us? We just assume that we were loved. You can assume this also. Often when we cannot resolve our past issues we carry this over to death. They die with us and there is nothing we can do but to try and resolve issues when they come up. This is not easy for any of us. Many die with secrets they take to the grave.
Maybe one day you will meet someone who can make a difference to your life. There is no fun in being alone and living by yourself. Only you can change this in time so that you will live a happier life. You have the freedom to do this. But you need to handle your grief and walk through this till you can find your way back in life.

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