Lost my precious mom

by Dina
(Ny)

I'm a 36 year old married female with 4 daughters. My mother just recently passed away on December 10 2013. We always new that at any time mom could enter into eternal sleep. Mom was 60 when she passed away, she had severe COPD which quickly consumed her life. It was December 1st 2012 when mom was in ICU with respiratory failure intubated and had to make the decision to put a permanent breathing apparatus (trach). We decided to do the procedure and mom had a new breathing apparatus. The trach meant oxygen or ventilator for the rest of her life. With the trach moms life changed she was in and out of rehab facilities and back and forth to the hospital. Mom did ok she was always so thankful to be around to see her family especially her grand kids. Mom was readmitted from the rehab to the hospital in August 2013 because of abnormal labs that the nursing home never took notice. I demanded mom be sent to the hospital immediately (I am a registered nurse). She ended up in the hospital for three months thanks to the nursing home. Mom had a DVT which required her to be on blood thinners, a month later she developed seizures and had a huge subdural hematoma (brain bleed) along with an occipital stroke. The doctors informed us that mom will not make it. On day three of mom being in ICU they decreased her sedation . I was unaware of this and I went into the room and grabbed moms hands and she squeezed my hand and looked over at me. I was astonished I could not believe my eyes she was awake. Well we were blessed she was able to recover and go home with me October 29th 2013. On December 1st mom was struggling a little bit with her breathing and thought she had an infection. Mom was doing good she was sitting in the chair and talking as usual. On December 5th she told me she had a dream that she awoke from her sleep and did not have a trach there was no ventilator no tubes and she could just get up with ease. I told mom hey cut those dreams out we are not going anywhere. As the days progressed mom began to struggle more with her breathing. On Dec 9th she was restless uncomfortable and was having a lot of breathing episodes where she kept desating on the ventilator. As a nurse I knew what was happening but as a daughter I was hanging on to every bit of hope. That evening mom wanted me to stay with her I told her I wish I could but had to get the children ready for school the next day and I was also due to work ( I worked at the same hospital that she was in). She told me she loved me and also told me not to go into work the next day. Dec 10th I'm sending the kids off to school and preparing myself to go to the hospital to see my mom I thought we'd listen to her favorite Christmas songs when I received a call from the nurse saying mom was not doing good her breathing was worsening. I called all my family and headed to the hospital to see mom. She was sedated and was on an additional breathing machine a nitrous oxide tank just to keep her saturation . The nurse turned down moms sedation and she began to squeeze my hands and mouth I love you. She also said to me I'm dying. I whispered to her your not dying your moving on to be with god. My daughters came to see her and she kissed each and everyone and smiled while mouthing I love you. At 12:44 am mom passed away. The emotions that came over me was nothing I ever experienced it was almost as if I was in another world. It's been almost a month since mom has passed I'm having a hard time I find myself very bitter. I prefer not to be around too many people and I'm very angry. I'm angry when I see or hear people talking about their mom, I feel lonely and lost. My mom while sick was like my child. I did everything for her solved her problems she would wait anxiously for me to visit her while in rehab or the hospital. When she was scared she called for me any decisions she depended on me. It's like I lost my mom my child my friend my love. I have a huge void I've lost 20 lbs I have no desire to do much although sometimes I force myself for the kids. My father was diagnosed this past summer with lung cancer. I just don't know how I will handle this again. I am trying to keep myself busy I just started going to the gym. I pray each night that god will give me the strength. Sorry so long

Comments for Lost my precious mom

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Apr 15, 2014
my Angel, my mom
by: laura

Your story like mine breaks my heart...I too have experienced the lost of my mom (December 28th ,2013~ my daughters 20th Birthday.) very hard.its been almost 3 mo.since she left us and looking back and asking "why?" & why on this day..I found peace from her she was thinking to the future knowing her she didn't want her journey to heaven to be such sorrow & knowing how we celebrate Birthdays..I believe the 28th of Dec. Was chosen so there could be celebration of my daughters life & to not be able to just focus on that's the day my mom was gone...moms do things like this..always looking out for us at first I didn't understand why but now I have to say Thank you mom for thinking ahead💖 Like you I miss her more with each passing day~ there's such a void in my heart and when I feel its to much to bearer I pray (I have from day one) I ask that she'll feel my mind and my heart ..I don't want to feel the pain of her not being here and as soon as I ask..i feel such a inner peace~ I truly believe God will not leave us to hurt and grieve in such a way that's unbearable..turn to him and the power of prayer...and even though I haven't had one "yet" its said in time that our loved ones will visit us in our dreams to let us know that they are OK ..I pray for her to come but she probably knows I wouldn't let her go😍..my daughter has dreamed of her and she softly touches her cheek just as she did the night she left...I believe its her way to let us know she's happy & healthy ..no more pain ,no more in & out of hospitals...when we lose we must realize they have gained~ A life back 💕

Jan 08, 2014
You're not alone
by: Doreen UK

Dina I am happy you are starting counselling. If it gets rough do not give up. Stick with the programme. I did and I have never looked back. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Cutting your hair was your way of doing something for YOU! Build on this and you will start to feel better each day when you nurture yourself like this. Going back to work will trigger memories for you. But this is all part of grief. Triggers will be going off all the time and making you cry. Crying is good because this is the biggest part of grief. The positive part of work is that you will have a diversion from grief. But take time out often to ponder and think. You can also keep a journal and write out all your feelings. This is therapeutic and you could write letters to your mom. Let your mom know how much you miss her. You will have these memories forever. You will get your life back in time. You won't feel this dreadful grief pain forever. Each day you will heal. Just take ONE DAY AT A TIME. You will look back and feel better for it because you will have moved forward more than your realise. Best wishes.

Jan 07, 2014
You're not alone
by: Dina

Hello I'm so sorry for your loss. It's really tough around the holidays. I am starting counseling tomorrow. It feels like it's getting harder. I now find myself crying and getting emotional at any given moment. Today I went to the salon and cut all my hair off. It's a nicely styled bob and I cried. I felt the need to make a change, not sure if it's the grieving process. I think mom would of liked it. I'm going back to work in 3 days and I'm very anxious because the last time I was there was when I watched mom take her last breath. We are not alone there are so many dealing with grief in different stages. I just want the pain and anger to go away. I will pray for you.

Jan 07, 2014
This is extremely similar to what I experienced on 12/23/13 thank you so much
by: Anonymous

My mom had severe copd on oxygen all the time poor quality of life and depressed. She was constantly in and out of the hospital from the time i was a young child. as i got older She stayed with me alot. On dec 6th she accidentally set herself on fire with her oxygen. Burns weren't bad but couldn't get her off the respirator. She was awake and alert some days but lost her battle on 12/23/13. I held her hand and talked to her the whole time although she was non responsive. Like you I am jealous of everyone that still has their mom and have also lost 20lbs. Trying to return to my life but it is so hard! I also have children so I have been going on for them and have kept their life as normal as possible. It helped so much to know that another daughter was going thru a familiar experience as I am and around the same time!

Jan 06, 2014
Thank you all!
by: Dina

To all Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Thanks for telling me your experiences I truly appreciate your advice. I will use it to help me travel this path that god has set forth. I am blessed that mom is free of pain and suffering, I am blessed that I got to tell mom I loved her and I am blessed she got to come home for a month. I will be starting grief counseling this week. I pray that god continues to give you strength ....

Jan 05, 2014
So sad
by: Anonymous

So sorry for the loss of your dear mum.Losing your mother is a life changing experience no matter how old or sick they were.I lost mine last July to heart and lung problems.She too was a wonderful mother and despite the fact that like you the relationship was turned around as she was the child and I was in the parent role I miss her so much. I think about her every hour and I feel guilty about all the things left unsaid and undone.I am starting counselling in a few weeks time . I too are envious of friends and family who have their mothers when both my parents are gone. I was in a hotel today and saw a advertisement for afternoon tea.It hit me that I never took my mum out for afternoon tea and I never will be able to do so now.Sometimes it is small things like that, that get you. My heart is broken and I feel I will never recover. All I can say is that you are not alone and that others like me feel as you do. Love and best wishes. Therese.

Jan 05, 2014
Lost my precious mom
by: Doreen UK

Dina I am sorry for your loss of your precious mom. It has only been a month and you will have many rough days and months ahead. Not knowing what to expect or what emotion will present itself and knock you down. This is normal and as long as you know this is the process of grief and it will soon pass will help you through your grief. Just don't become so busy that you put off grieving as you will store this for later and it will be more painful. You have 4 children so will be busy anyway. Do what you have to but leave the rest till you are on the mend from grief. Also beneficial is to take ONE DAY AT A TIME. This helped me tremendously. I felt the same way with grief. Angry, bitter, not knowing what and how to feel. But I let each feeling come. Even the ones of unfairness about losing my loved one's all the time thinking of those who had their families intact whilst my world was falling apart. This too was just grief allowing those normal feelings come to the surface. I didn't deny them. I embraced those feelings and they soon passed. This was part of grief. I took 6 months off and nurtured myself from grief. All I could do was sit on the couch and bath my sorrows in TV. I lost my mom 10yrs. ago but never felt grief that much till I lost my husband of 44yrs. 20 months ago to Lung cancer. He suffered in severe pain for over 3yrs. whilst I cared for him. I wanted to hang on to every moment and couldn't believe I was going to lose this man I loved for 44yrs. and didn't have much time with due to his working life. Just when he was about to retire he gets this dreadful cancer from working with asbestos at work. I still can't believe he has gone and I still have many sorrowful moments more than I did at the beginning. I miss him and this is the most painful aspect of grief when you know they are never coming back and you won't see them again. I did manage to get back into life again and still can only take one day at a time. But I am moving forward. You will too. Just spend as much time with your father and nurture every precious moment with him. This is all you can do. It will hurt for some time. But it won't hurt forever. Healing does take place, but it is a very slow process. Best wishes.

Jan 04, 2014
I understand.
by: Bereaved only daughter

Dear Dina, I lost my mum recently. She too had Chronic Obstuctive Pulmonary Disease, and also asthma.

Like you I am founding the loneliness unbearable. She was my everything, and my only really close relation. My father never had much contact with me.

Your mom like my mum told you how much she loved you. Even when she was very ill she wanted you to carry this legacy. I hold onto the fact that
my mum had absolute belief in me - even when she was ill, my welfare was her priority.

You mention your father has lung cancer. He and your children need you. I know this might seem
too much when you are grieving, but you will have a lot of your courageous mom in you too.

With kindest wishes, hope it gets easier.X

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