Lost my sister - January 26, 2012

Today I lost my sister. She was three years older. What makes it so sad is that I come from a family of eleven and I have already lost three brothers and four sisters (do to suicide).
My sister suffered from mental illness all her life and for some reason her doctor convinced her to try a new medication. She had a terrible reaction to this medication. Her husband finally called an ambulance. At the hospital they had to restrain her because of her behavior. That was on Sunday, on Monday, they said she had actually died, but they brought her back to life, just long enough so that close family could get together and say their good-byes. The doctors say she died of a blood clot. I have many questions, but I am not sure where to go and who to go to. My church family have been wonderful. I hurt so bad. I have not truly grieved for any of the other members my family. I can not afford to travel for her funeral, which always makes the grieving process that much longer, if not easier to deny. I did not attend my mother's funeral either. I have also had a number of nieces and nephews that have also taken their own lives and today I just feel like I am at a breaking point. I do believe in God and I know that I will be okay. I just hurt. I want so much to be a mountain of strength for my siblings and on the phone I fake it pretty good, but as soon as I get off the phone I fall apart. I don't like that I'm a faker. I don't want to eat. I am sick to my stomach. I have a headache. I don't know what to do next. I want answers, but from whom.